To find this friend so difficult??

[butterfly220]

[name changed, sorry for the long post- trying not to drip feed. I feel like I have an endless amount I could say as this has been bothering me for so long!]

I have always thought I was quite a patient person but I am finding this friend really, really grating! I don't know if it's me, and I'm letting it get to me unreasonably or if this would get on the nerves of even the most patient person in the world!

We work together, and I can't really change that any time soon and in our context it would be very very difficult to distance myself.

Basically this friend will stick to me like glue for the entire work day- copying absolutely everything I do. I find this exhausting and very irritating, but when I try and call her out on it she always says she has low confidence and isn't sure what she's doing so I can kind of see why the copying is coming about (although I think she's perfectly competent and intelligent enough to do it on her own). But I do mean copying absolutely everything, like snatching things off me to see what I've written to write the exact same thing. I find I'm really doing her job as well as my own a lot of the time because when we are doing something different she'll bring things to me and ask me to do it- and then always takes any credit for herself I should add! I know I shouldn't let it get to me but when I've done something she's asked me to do, then someone comes and says to her that it was great etc. She'll just say "oh thanks!" even when I'm right there. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets very emotional and always ends up with her making me feel bad or unsupportive. I feel like I spend 90% of my time trying to make her feel better, I often feel a lot like her counsellor and go home very emotionally drained. Everything is always very centred on her, for instance when she had a review at work (just general targets etc.) and it went well I thought it was a great opportunity to build her confidence and I went on about how brilliant it was, reiterating all the positive feedback etc. We talked about it for ages. Then when I had mine, I came back and as soon as I sat down she said please could I not tell her what they said because she didn't want to know what they'd said because she thought it would make her feel bad. I said okay and there was silence for a while as we worked and then she said can you just say yes or no to did it go well? I said it was fine and then she actually said "I don't want to sound like a bad friend but I think it'd make me feel a lot better about myself if yours hadn't gone well". It's always very focussed on her. If anyone says anything that's not 100% positive to her (even just a casual neutral comment) she's distraught and the entire day is spent trying to rationalise it with her. She is very negative which I find very draining. She normally greets me every day with "how are you?" Then when I say I'm fine and ask how she is she says "not great, I cried all night again." She always says this very matter of factly and kind of expectantly waits for my sympathy if that makes sense. She does keep saying she doesn't think the job is for her and I said I did think she should quit if it's making her feel so down but then straight away she's saying I'm saying that because I don't want to work with her/ I think she's crap at her job etc. So then I spend a lot of time reassuring her that that isn't true.

I think I could cope with this if it was just during work and I could escape from it at home but out of work she will message me all of the time asking me what I'm doing, who I'm with etc. If I don't immediately reply she will keep messaging me question marks, then I get "I'm getting really worried now, please respond." Then phone calls! Even if it's only been 10 minutes since her first text. If I reply and say, for instance, I'm out shopping. Then I'll get a barrage of questions about where, who with, what am I buying. She also always tries to invite herself to whatever plans I have. If I'm going to a friend's house- she'll ask if she can come. Despite never having met my friend. I have to politely explain that it's really just a catch up with an old friend and I didn't really feel like I could bring along someone who my other friend has never met. I was going to see a member of my family for their birthday- she wanted to come.

She is happily married and does have her own friends! I thought maybe she was just lonely and wanted to increase her social circle and thought maybe that would help, so I invited her to a meal out with a friend of mine a while ago and I regretted it so much so I'd really rather not do that again. She cried because they got her order wrong, and this made my friend very uncomfortable. She behaved quite oddly throughout, just was very intense. She also immediately added my friend on Facebook (along with other friends of mine that she's not met) and now messages her all of the time, similar to the way she messages me. At work she also keeps bringing my friend up as "her friend" when talking to other people (she's only met her this one time). I don't really care about this but it's just so odd. She also sought out other people in my life to "befriend" who again she's never met, like someone I used to work with really briefly who she messaged and asked for the phone number of?? My friends then ask me about it and I don't really know what to say or how to explain it. The thing is, she is a nice person and I know she does struggle with her mental health (she is on medication and having therapy) and I do want to be supportive and try and help her- it's just getting harder and harder. I don't think anything I'm doing is helping her because if anything she's getting worse!

She's quite a bit older than me (I'm mid twenties) but I often feel like I'm back at school because there's constantly some "drama" she needs consoling about. I basically want to know if I'm BU or overreacting (as she seems to believe, when I've brought anything up with her) or if anyone has experienced anything like this before and has any advice for coping with it? I'd like to be a good friend to her but also can't cope with the stress and drama this brings if it continues unabated!

I feel emotionally drained just reading that. There's been a few threads recently about people who don't know their boundaries.

I would be immediately concerned about work - I think you need a meeting with HR to explain what you told us about her at work, and to let them know how she's behaved towards you and your friends who she has no connection with. Because she sounds like she's got the potential for stalking, bunny boiling, and manipulation - I think you need some support to get her to back off because I bet she's the sort to threaten suicide if you try to walk away.

This sounds utterly suffocating - I wish I had some advice for you, but the only thing I can think of is doing a Reggie Perrin and vanishing, or going into witness protection.

She sounds like a narcissistic, emotional vampire, you need to take practical measures to protect yourself now, you cannot pussyfoot around here, she will absolutely break you down until you're an empty shell.

Please please, just start ignoring her constant need for reassurance and grey rock her, it's the only way to survive. Google grey rock.

Run.

I'd go to HR and explain that you can't work this way any longer

You need to stop responding to her messages, tell her you are cutting down on using your phone as it stops you fully relaxing. Which I'm sure is no lie with her constant messaging.

She sounds creepy and narcissistic, trying to befriend your friends, she almost wants to be YOU.

I think at this point you probably need some counselling to extract yourself from her.

Eeeeek!! What a bunny boiler. Go NC out of work and when asked why just say your phone was off or in another room. Better yet say to be honest I want peace when I get home and your constant texting is getting too much - I DO hope you understand. Actually who gives a shit if she doesn't. Very much agree with PP who said about contacting HR at work so that you are covered if she starts anything stupid.

She sounds absolutely exhausting! Your situation really reminds me of a book I read and I can't for the life of me remember the author nor the title. But the character quite subtly and very feasibly became dangerous. I'm not trying to be doom and gloom or trying to suggest this is what your friend will do but it sounds like she has already sucked you in to a degree and is becoming more dependent on and demanding of you. It's really difficult but I think you need to be proactive. Mute her messages (if whatsapp) and check once an evening. Reply with something like, only just spotted your messages, was busy doing xyz. Off to bed now, see you tomorrow. Let her ring/message as much as she wants, just don't respond.
The work situation is a bit more tricky as it is very hard to avoid her. I do think that it might be beneficial to speak to a higher-up about her though. Could it be possible for you to be set different projects for example (sorry if not, I don't know your line of work).
I think it's time to try to distance yourself from her. Good luck x

Did you know here before you worked together? Do you choose to spend time with her because you enjoy her company? If one of you changed jobs, would you want to stay in touch with her?

If the answer to all of those is No, then she isn’t actually a friend, she’s a workmate. I’ve had workmates who I’ve got on well with and even socialised with outside work, but when one of us moved on, the relationship just faded away.

So, this workmate is draining your will to live, both inside and outside work.

YANBU. You need to identify your boundaries, communicate them clearly, and stick to them. She will cry and try to guilt trip you into backing down - don’t do it. She’s not your responsibility. She is an endless black hole of need and will suck you dry.

Sounds like she needs professional help.

Thank you so much for understanding how emotionally exhausting this is- I was worried I was going to get lots of people saying I wasn't being supportive enough of her mental health. I have tried really hard to be supportive but I always end up feeling like I'm just enabling some of her more dysfunctional behaviours.

It's really hard to explain and the times I have tried to talk to her she always puts it on me like I'm really overreacting or being really unkind to her and it really does make me question if I'm just being really unreasonable and unsympathetic to her! Writing it out was quite cathartic actually. I find it hard to explain to people I know IRL because it somehow feels disloyal to her? I do think she is basically a nice person and I hesitate to actually explain to others what it's like day to day because
a) I do say she is a friend so it seems disloyal or bitchy to be negative about her to someone else!

b) I didn't know if it made me sound unreasonable or childish (in a "She took the credit for the work I did, it's not fair" kind of way) I didn't know if I was making it a bigger thing than it was and I needed to get over it.

C) it kind of makes me doubt my own perception and feelings on it. When I broached the subject (re colleague inviting herself) with one of my friends IRL she said "awww well it sounds like she's just trying to make more friends" in a 'bless her' kind of way. That made me feel like maybe I'm just being unkind and exclusionary?? I actually feel quite trapped and like I can't escape from her even out of work because she's constantly trying to worm her way in with my friends and family, but then I question myself like maybe I'm just being overprotective of my friendship group. However I cannot imagine EVER inviting myself out with people I didn't know, let alone messaging them, asking for their numbers etc. Some of the people she does this to I don't even know that well myself and it's actually really embarrassing when they contact me in a WTF kind of way!

It won't be long before she murders you and wears your skin as a suit. 😱
Get some evidence to take to your manager. Then block her.
She is no friend.

From your updates, she also seems to be gaslighting you by making you question your own judgment and telling you you're overreacting or being unkind. If she says such things again, assert yourself and say 'No, I don't think so.'

I think as a first step you could stop thinking of her as a friend and refer to her, at least to yourself, as a co worker. That may help you to establish some emotionally disengage from her.

Recently I have been trying to either not respond to her messages, or wait a long time and respond very succinctly. However I get a lot of guilt shovelled at me. It's also annoying because it means my phone is constantly going and I don't want to turn it off and not be able to communicate with my family and friends!

I don't want to out myself so can't really explain why I can't distance myself at work, but basically the two of us are shackled together permanently and there's no escape during work hours I don't want to cause problems for her at work or sound like I'm grassing up on her (in terms of how much of her work I end up doing) but I have spoken to them before about her needing a bit more support and tried to give some detail e.g. about us needing to build her confidence etc., basically the truth but trying to do so without making her look bad if that makes sense. Basically they talked to her, she cried a lot, they were very sympathetic and kind, but not an awful lot changed her except my workload increased a bit to ease hers!

Jesus OP! Step back and by that I mean a marathons worth of steps.

She's AWFUL. You're far too kind and she knows it so she's using you to fufull her fragile ego.

Don't allow her to do this. Your post makes for painful reading, you need to grey rock this woman asap!

She's bonkers! I'd stop doing work for her, for a start. Is it possible within your work to be seated elsewhere? Preferably in a different room?

I'm the evenings I'd say "I'm switching my phone off now as I'm in the cinema / with a friend / eating dinner, so don't worry if I don't respond to any messages." Get her out of the habit of expecting a response.

Are you sure she's really married and has lots of friends? She sounds very lonely. In fact I suspect her "friends" might all be people she's meet once after inviting hersejf out with them...

Can you change your social media settings so that other people can't see your "friend" list? That might help solve that issue as she won't be able to contact your friends/acquaintances - either that or you could deactivate your social media (for a while at least, until this situation is a bit sorted).

Do you have the same manager? Can you talk to your manager about it and/or HR? I think it is something you probably need to flag up at work, just in case.

Cross posted with your update OP!

First, make sure on Facebook your friends can't see who else you're friends with, it's somewhere in the settings. That way she loses access to your friends.

Next, distance yourself at work. If you're finding it hard, you could develop a 'headache' and just keep yourself to yourself for the day. Tell her you have a 'headache' and are struggling, so need to focus on your own work. If she asks you a question, just look blankly at her and say 'Oh, I'm sorry, I just can't focus on that right now. Why don't you ask X'.

If she tries to copy your work, tell her 'I think it's time you tried it on your own, otherwise you won't ever develop the confidence you need. I'm sure you'll be fine'.

In the evenings, turn your phone off sometimes, or just block her for the evening. The next day just look at her blankly and say 'Oh, I didn't realise you had tried to call me. My phone had run out of charge. Actually, it was a nice peaceful evening. I might turn actually turn it off in the evening sometimes'. (Don't say sorry!)

You will need to draw very firm boundaries, and don't give in to the sob stories, guilt trips. I mean, what's the absolute worst that can happen? She breaks down in tears?

But, at the end of the day, for you because this is going to get harder than it is right now. Whether you give in or stand firm. If you continue to give in she's going to become even more bunny boiler, and if you stand firm she's going to take it as an attack.

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18
Unfortunately not, without outing my line of work we've basically been paired up together. When I first started working there we were in different pairs (I was with a really lovely colleague who was so stress-free and chilled. I literally dream of how it used to be!) and she used to come to me all the time crying about how awful her partner was. She said all kinds of things and I felt terrible for her (and now I wonder if any of it was true) and she got management involved and the other woman almost lost her job- was off on long term sick leave for months. I now think this other woman probably just didn't go along with any of her drama and told her it like it is. Anyway, then management spoke to me and said they were partnering us up together and to look after colleague because she'd had such a rough time of it etc. I thought at first this copying and low confidence was maybe because of this initial difficult partnership but we're on year two now!

I don't want to cause problems for her at work or sound like I'm grassing up on her (in terms of how much of her work I end up doing)

Yet another woman who has been conditioned to be too nice! This is the third thread in as many days! WHY? This woman is literally ruining your life and your peace of mind and yet you dont want to be unkind?? Go back to HR and tell them that unless this is sorted out, you will be gone!! Just reading your OP left me gasping for air.

I'd have to leave the job but I know that isn't easy.

How awful for you.

Please be strong and stop the hold she has somehow got over you. She is an emotional vampire like another poster said.

I think you need to pull back emotionally. You’ll probably get drama but it’s not your concern. Certainly stop doing her work or letting her copy. She doesn’t care about your success (she literally said she’d feel better if you weren’t doing well - horrendous of her!) so don’t help her achieve hers.

Do you give her the numbers of people you know? You said they reply with WTF? It does sound like she’s skewing your boundaries too as that’s not normal.

Tell her you need to chill out from work and won’t be checking your phone in the evenings and ignore her. Better still, block her or change your number.

@HypatiaCade Thank you for this, I will try. I have been trying to do some of these things but I feel like I spend half of my time lying. She always wants to do something social after work/weekends etc., and I make up plans I have because I just have reached my threshold then I always feel like she spends the entire time trying to check up on me/catch me out in a lie! She's turned up at a place I've said I was going to be before when I've said I can't do x because I'm at y- she'll turn up at y! Also if I say I'm seeing a friend- she messages the friend to check! I have to be so careful now and it makes me feel so paranoid or like I'm behaving in a really irrational way!

Anyway, then management spoke to me and said they were partnering us up together and to look after colleague because she'd had such a rough time of it etc

You're HR Dept cannot make you solely responsible for the welfare of a colleague, their mental health or their relationship problems. This is highly inappropriate OP.