To find this friend so difficult??

[butterfly220]

[name changed, sorry for the long post- trying not to drip feed. I feel like I have an endless amount I could say as this has been bothering me for so long!]

I have always thought I was quite a patient person but I am finding this friend really, really grating! I don't know if it's me, and I'm letting it get to me unreasonably or if this would get on the nerves of even the most patient person in the world!

We work together, and I can't really change that any time soon and in our context it would be very very difficult to distance myself.

Basically this friend will stick to me like glue for the entire work day- copying absolutely everything I do. I find this exhausting and very irritating, but when I try and call her out on it she always says she has low confidence and isn't sure what she's doing so I can kind of see why the copying is coming about (although I think she's perfectly competent and intelligent enough to do it on her own). But I do mean copying absolutely everything, like snatching things off me to see what I've written to write the exact same thing. I find I'm really doing her job as well as my own a lot of the time because when we are doing something different she'll bring things to me and ask me to do it- and then always takes any credit for herself I should add! I know I shouldn't let it get to me but when I've done something she's asked me to do, then someone comes and says to her that it was great etc. She'll just say "oh thanks!" even when I'm right there. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets very emotional and always ends up with her making me feel bad or unsupportive. I feel like I spend 90% of my time trying to make her feel better, I often feel a lot like her counsellor and go home very emotionally drained. Everything is always very centred on her, for instance when she had a review at work (just general targets etc.) and it went well I thought it was a great opportunity to build her confidence and I went on about how brilliant it was, reiterating all the positive feedback etc. We talked about it for ages. Then when I had mine, I came back and as soon as I sat down she said please could I not tell her what they said because she didn't want to know what they'd said because she thought it would make her feel bad. I said okay and there was silence for a while as we worked and then she said can you just say yes or no to did it go well? I said it was fine and then she actually said "I don't want to sound like a bad friend but I think it'd make me feel a lot better about myself if yours hadn't gone well". It's always very focussed on her. If anyone says anything that's not 100% positive to her (even just a casual neutral comment) she's distraught and the entire day is spent trying to rationalise it with her. She is very negative which I find very draining. She normally greets me every day with "how are you?" Then when I say I'm fine and ask how she is she says "not great, I cried all night again." She always says this very matter of factly and kind of expectantly waits for my sympathy if that makes sense. She does keep saying she doesn't think the job is for her and I said I did think she should quit if it's making her feel so down but then straight away she's saying I'm saying that because I don't want to work with her/ I think she's crap at her job etc. So then I spend a lot of time reassuring her that that isn't true.

I think I could cope with this if it was just during work and I could escape from it at home but out of work she will message me all of the time asking me what I'm doing, who I'm with etc. If I don't immediately reply she will keep messaging me question marks, then I get "I'm getting really worried now, please respond." Then phone calls! Even if it's only been 10 minutes since her first text. If I reply and say, for instance, I'm out shopping. Then I'll get a barrage of questions about where, who with, what am I buying. She also always tries to invite herself to whatever plans I have. If I'm going to a friend's house- she'll ask if she can come. Despite never having met my friend. I have to politely explain that it's really just a catch up with an old friend and I didn't really feel like I could bring along someone who my other friend has never met. I was going to see a member of my family for their birthday- she wanted to come.

She is happily married and does have her own friends! I thought maybe she was just lonely and wanted to increase her social circle and thought maybe that would help, so I invited her to a meal out with a friend of mine a while ago and I regretted it so much so I'd really rather not do that again. She cried because they got her order wrong, and this made my friend very uncomfortable. She behaved quite oddly throughout, just was very intense. She also immediately added my friend on Facebook (along with other friends of mine that she's not met) and now messages her all of the time, similar to the way she messages me. At work she also keeps bringing my friend up as "her friend" when talking to other people (she's only met her this one time). I don't really care about this but it's just so odd. She also sought out other people in my life to "befriend" who again she's never met, like someone I used to work with really briefly who she messaged and asked for the phone number of?? My friends then ask me about it and I don't really know what to say or how to explain it. The thing is, she is a nice person and I know she does struggle with her mental health (she is on medication and having therapy) and I do want to be supportive and try and help her- it's just getting harder and harder. I don't think anything I'm doing is helping her because if anything she's getting worse!

She's quite a bit older than me (I'm mid twenties) but I often feel like I'm back at school because there's constantly some "drama" she needs consoling about. I basically want to know if I'm BU or overreacting (as she seems to believe, when I've brought anything up with her) or if anyone has experienced anything like this before and has any advice for coping with it? I'd like to be a good friend to her but also can't cope with the stress and drama this brings if it continues unabated!

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p079fdqp

If a partnership is this dysfunctional , HR would be stupid not to be a bit flexible in the timing of changes or looking at other roles for either one of you.
You seem to think that work can do nothing about this problem.
It is their problem, and they absolutely can do something about it, but only if you tell them there is a problem!!!
Request a meeting with your line manager on Monday morning.

well to be honest she is making herself look bad. Its not your job to make her look good. Its not your job to do a bad job so she feels better. Its her job to pull her fucking socks up and do her own work herself and sink or swim by her own merit.
And if that makes her look bad then thats her problem.
You need to really just tell her No
And let her cry and weep and wail
Whats the worse that can happen, seriously? If someone comes in, whats she going to say? That you were mean and wouldnt let her copy your work.

and that her mental health would be a lot better if I would work on making her look better

OK, the more I read about her the more I do think she is seriously mentally ill - and I don't mean in terms of her emotional problems and tearfulness, I mean that she is genuinely obsessed with you and bordering on delusional. Seriously, you really, really need to tell your manager and/or your HR department every single thing you've told us here - the in-work stuff and the out-of-work stuff. This woman should not currently be working with anyone, let alone with you. Literally nothing you've described about her behaviour is normal or OK.

Go to HR, ask for a meeting and tell them she is bullying and stalking you and you are frightened of her. Expressly give the examples you have here and tell them you need them to handle it because you are concerned for your career and your personal safety. Do not leave the meeting until a plan is in place, take some time away from work if you can whilst they change the set up.

You could prepare your complaint in writing over the weekend then send it after going to your GP and tell them how stressed you are on monday morning and get signed off for a few days while this problem is taken off your hands.

She is a bully and it will show her previous behaviour regarding your denigrated colleague in a whole new light. You owe this to yourself and your maligned predecessor as well as your company.

If you don't she will do it to you. It is only a matter of time, you know this is her predicted next move. She will ruin your career the minute you stop playing ball.

If there is any chance she knows you are on mn and is likely to id your thread then get it deleted.

Wise up.

The thing is, I do not think anyone else at work has any inkling of what she is really like- other than her poor ex partner. I certainly didn't when her ex partner was trying to explain! She has such a talent for making that person look like the unreasonable one! Certainly my impression the first year I worked there was how lovely she was and what a shame her partner was being so difficult etc. Now when I think back to what she said about her partner, I do think none of it was true. I was so shocked and felt so awful for her being treated like that at the time. She also told everyone and everyone was very much on the side of my current partner and not her ex. I feel like that will become me if I try to highlight the problem to others too much.

For lack of a better word, she presents very "normally" to everyone else. She seems to have perfectly healthy boundaries with other people! I think if I tried to explain to another colleague I would come across as the crazy one. She's very nice to our colleagues, they are very nice to her, no one has a bad word to say about her. Then again, they only see her for a very limited amount of time of the day (maybe ten mins, little chat while they get a hot drink) whereas I am with her absolutely all day without a break. When we are both with other colleagues, she's just completely fine. Then as soon as they've gone she'll burst into tears about something tiny or tell me how anxious she is about something inconsequential and it's back to square one and all consuming about whatever her current problem is.

I'm actually not sure anyone would believe me if I tried to explain! I don't really have any "evidence" and I don't think they'd stop employing her so I think if possibly just make my work situation even worse and more awkward- and worse case scenario, with her talent for twisting things, I'd probably come across as some horrendous work bully terrorising her and being unsupportive and everyone would fall over themselves to support her (as indeed, happened last year!) She does present as very sweet and vulnerable and lovely.

I just want to distance myself and protect myself from her as much as possible and countdown to July when I can switch partners!

Fuck that. You need to be ruthless and tell her to do one.

OP, you've had some great advice re. reporting this to HR and I really urge you to do so - think what happened to her previous partner( long-term sick leave, nearly got fired) - you have to protect yourself!

Re. The personal stalking, as that's what it is. Block her on your phone and don't explain. If she nags you about not responding to her texts, just say you didn't see them (which will be true if she's blocked)!
Start treating her more formally at work, only discuss work-related subjects and basically place emotional distance between you.

You sound like a lovely person and she's latched onto you. I feel sorry for her, as I'm sure you do, but it's not your problem.

She's turned up at a place I've said I was going to be before when I've said I can't do x because I'm at y- she'll turn up at y! Also if I say I'm seeing a friend- she messages the friend to check
If that was a man/partner you’d be going to the police to get them done with stalking!!
The things she’s suggesting at work are abusive and controlling, officially you can’t get new partner until next June, we’ll tough titty, HR have to do something, she’s way overstepping; trying to manipulate you in your job performance, stalking you outside work, intruding into your private life.
She’s dangerous and will get worse. Are you in a union?

Just saw @BigDudeDog's advice and it's spot-on. Please report her ASAP as advised.

It doesn't matter that she presents as "normal" to other people, the fact that she caused problems for her former partner is a huge red flag. Also, you have personal texts that show she's harassing you outside work (and your friends). She's not well, OP, and this needs to stop.

Just read your update; that’s not anxiety etc, she’s a calculating bloody sociopath!

Be warned though, if you block her number I bet she’ll get a burner phone just to contact you!

Everything you’ve just posted is about manipulation though! All the things she’s saying, the fact she holds it together for everyone else then turns the waterworks on for you...

She’s stalking and harassing you. You absolutely must speak to HR and tell them everything here.

This partnering thing, there must be something HR can do - you could tell them the situation is stressing you so badly that you’re considering going to see the GP over it with a view to getting signed off work. Perhaps you cannot see the alternative, but this is really serious and you need to get away from her.

You need to protect yourself.
There's lots of advice on this thread which will help. Tell HR and your boss what's happening. Use words like uncomfortable, unwanted attention, inappropriate...
Stop out of work contact now.
Do not think you have to put up with this until next summer.

But ex partner isnt there to defend herself, she was made such a fucking nervous wreck that she had to take sick leave rather than face up to it. HR probably would believe you because to have 2 people at the point of walking who have been partnered by the same.

Whereas YOU will NOT be leaving, so let her try to blame you. You have phone records, you have texts, you have lists of missed calls a mile long. Your friends can confirm she has been contacting them / checking up on you. If she wants to start with the bad mouthing, she is not going to get far because she has NOTHING, and whoever she is partnered with is going to get the same treatment that you are getting, so yet another person who will confirm what a manipulative cow she is.

But agree, she sounds bloody unhinged and dangerously stalkery.

She actually sounds like two people I’ve worked with over the years. Everyone thought they were lovely, but they hated me and were sly. I realised it was because I could see their manipulation of others. Of course they eventually let their masks slip.

They first step is to totally ignore her phone calls and the second is to keep telling her that you won’t do her work for her. If it makes you feel better, you can say you’re too busy, not well, etc. What would she do if you took a couple of weeks off sick, do you think? Who would do her work for her, or do you think she’d take off sick too?

Next time she bursts into tears about something, hand her a tissue, say there there never mind, and carry on with your work.

Time to grow a backbone.

She is not your friend, she is a manipulative emotional vampire.

Goodness this sounds utterly exhausting. She is a total Colin Robinson. You keep mentioning that she's a nice person and calling her a friend. Can you give five examples of ways she behaves towards you that are nice or friendly? Can you even give one? She sounds like a stalker actually with serious personality issues.

What she's doing is totally intruding in to every aspect of your life. She has zero boundaries and like you said it's almost as if she wants to be you, assume your identity. And yet when you (quite rightly) put some (totally normal and understandable) boundaries in place, she makes you feel completely guilty, wrong and terribly out of order for being so unsupportive. So she intrudes onto you and yet you're the one who is doing something wrong. It's so far from okay. And yes I agree she probably did exactly the same to her old partner. And will do the same to the next one.

The stalking of your friends and wanting to go out for occasions with your friends and family is super weird. She claims credit for work you've done. Also what friend says they want you to fail something so they can feel better about themselves? Honestly who even says that?

Everything you've said is the total opposite of behaving nicely and more like an enemy than a friend.

You need to put the boundaries in. She won't react well to it at all but otherwise she won't stop. Say you're turning your phone off to try some new meditation thing, whatever and stick to it. Don't tell her what your plans are, just say you can't tonight. Certainly don't tell her where you're going. Lock down the privacy settings on your Facebook. Tel your friends what you've posted here. In fact let them read it. Because I bet when you mention it to them it's a brief mention that she wants to come out or whatever couples with but she's really nice (she's not). You shouldn't feel so awkward loyally defending your friends. The fact you have to defend her is because her behaviour is unhinged, very odd and not nice. And keep all her messages, maybe accidentally record the meltdown conversations as you need to protect yourself. I'd put money on her turning on her ex partner when they put boundaries in so she might do the same to you.

@butterfly220 I know this is of little help, but this is the reason why I choose to have no close relationship with any friends now. I have 2 childhood friends who I see 3 or 4 times a year for a few hours each time, and I get on OK with neighbours, but only chat for 10 minutes a week or so, and I keep work colleagues at arms length and never go to any works do. And I do not socialise, or accept any offers to pop round, nor do I ask anyone around. Only our two adult DC come round once a week with their partners.

I have had too much shit that is similar to your situation (in the past) and it has drained me, and fucked me up emotionally SO many times. Weird fuckers hanging onto me like parasites, draining my energy, whining and moaning, bitching about me to others, calling me and expecting me to give an hour up to chat, turning up at my house expecting to be entertained for hours, copying what I do, trying to outdo me, trying to steal my other friends and freeze me out, the list is endless.

I have also had to tolerate (in the past,) dreadful 'couple' relationships with DH. It's always a mate of his, and he wants me and him to go out with him and his wife. Cue me being stuck there all night trying to make conversation with a woman who I don't know and don't want to to know and have nothing in common with. And she feels the same. Did this for about 10 years with loads of different couples. Put my foot down eventually and told DH to fuck off forcing me to go out and try to make friends with his mate's wife.

I now keep most people at arm's length, and hate people 'popping round' and I visit extended family/meet them for a meal, 4 or 5 times a year but that's it.

This woman's mental health is not your problem. You need to ask work to make sure you are not together anymore, and ghost her.

If working apart is not possible, I would find another job, seriously..

Record her on your phone and play it to HR when you talk to them?
You can also show HR all the outside work messages and calls to support your version of the facts.

Agree with a PP, she will ruin you when she realises you're not willing to play ball. Get a plan in place and go to HR with it.

I never make friends with work colleagues outside work, nor add them to Facebook or give them my personal number. It's just not worth it.

If I can tolerate them, I'll allow them to connect on Linked-In, if they send a request, I never do!

Mentally ill people are mentally unstable, triggers can be unpredictable.

Sociopaths behave in a mentally unstable manner at useful times in order to manipulate. Just one tool in the headfuck collection.

One can control their behaviour, one cannot.

The person who acts crazy around one person only but completely level headed around everyone else is always ALWAYS a sociopathic manipulative clever bastard to be avoided at all costs.

First rule to spot a sociopath - they want you to feel sorry for them.

OP is in deep and needs to surgically excise herself then brace for impact. Nice/Negotiate/Excuses/StandUpToBully will not work and will guarantee career implosion. Sociopath has probably been setting that up behind the scenes for months in anticipation of this moment. It's hand to HR and keep back or jobhunt sneakily without sociopath getting wind of plans (no offence OP but she has you completely sussed and I expect hiding things from her is not going to work for you). If you have some savings and can take the risk of just quitting and bailing that's a third option but don't expect a good reference.

You must speak to HR before you start trying to distance yourself from her, as there is a strong possibility that she will retaliate with vengeful behaviours that try to make you look bad. You can acknowledge to HR that her behaviour with other people is OK: it's not unusual for HR to have to manage a difficult dynamic between two people who may be fine with everyone else. I think you may be surprised though - I suspect that this women will have done the same to other colleagues in the past.

Take a printout of your OP with you (no need to say that you have posted it on MN), and ask for their help in establishing boundaries with her.

I feel sick just reading this! Absolutely go to HR with a list and don't leave until they have a plan to support you!