To find this friend so difficult??

[butterfly220]

[name changed, sorry for the long post- trying not to drip feed. I feel like I have an endless amount I could say as this has been bothering me for so long!]

I have always thought I was quite a patient person but I am finding this friend really, really grating! I don't know if it's me, and I'm letting it get to me unreasonably or if this would get on the nerves of even the most patient person in the world!

We work together, and I can't really change that any time soon and in our context it would be very very difficult to distance myself.

Basically this friend will stick to me like glue for the entire work day- copying absolutely everything I do. I find this exhausting and very irritating, but when I try and call her out on it she always says she has low confidence and isn't sure what she's doing so I can kind of see why the copying is coming about (although I think she's perfectly competent and intelligent enough to do it on her own). But I do mean copying absolutely everything, like snatching things off me to see what I've written to write the exact same thing. I find I'm really doing her job as well as my own a lot of the time because when we are doing something different she'll bring things to me and ask me to do it- and then always takes any credit for herself I should add! I know I shouldn't let it get to me but when I've done something she's asked me to do, then someone comes and says to her that it was great etc. She'll just say "oh thanks!" even when I'm right there. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets very emotional and always ends up with her making me feel bad or unsupportive. I feel like I spend 90% of my time trying to make her feel better, I often feel a lot like her counsellor and go home very emotionally drained. Everything is always very centred on her, for instance when she had a review at work (just general targets etc.) and it went well I thought it was a great opportunity to build her confidence and I went on about how brilliant it was, reiterating all the positive feedback etc. We talked about it for ages. Then when I had mine, I came back and as soon as I sat down she said please could I not tell her what they said because she didn't want to know what they'd said because she thought it would make her feel bad. I said okay and there was silence for a while as we worked and then she said can you just say yes or no to did it go well? I said it was fine and then she actually said "I don't want to sound like a bad friend but I think it'd make me feel a lot better about myself if yours hadn't gone well". It's always very focussed on her. If anyone says anything that's not 100% positive to her (even just a casual neutral comment) she's distraught and the entire day is spent trying to rationalise it with her. She is very negative which I find very draining. She normally greets me every day with "how are you?" Then when I say I'm fine and ask how she is she says "not great, I cried all night again." She always says this very matter of factly and kind of expectantly waits for my sympathy if that makes sense. She does keep saying she doesn't think the job is for her and I said I did think she should quit if it's making her feel so down but then straight away she's saying I'm saying that because I don't want to work with her/ I think she's crap at her job etc. So then I spend a lot of time reassuring her that that isn't true.

I think I could cope with this if it was just during work and I could escape from it at home but out of work she will message me all of the time asking me what I'm doing, who I'm with etc. If I don't immediately reply she will keep messaging me question marks, then I get "I'm getting really worried now, please respond." Then phone calls! Even if it's only been 10 minutes since her first text. If I reply and say, for instance, I'm out shopping. Then I'll get a barrage of questions about where, who with, what am I buying. She also always tries to invite herself to whatever plans I have. If I'm going to a friend's house- she'll ask if she can come. Despite never having met my friend. I have to politely explain that it's really just a catch up with an old friend and I didn't really feel like I could bring along someone who my other friend has never met. I was going to see a member of my family for their birthday- she wanted to come.

She is happily married and does have her own friends! I thought maybe she was just lonely and wanted to increase her social circle and thought maybe that would help, so I invited her to a meal out with a friend of mine a while ago and I regretted it so much so I'd really rather not do that again. She cried because they got her order wrong, and this made my friend very uncomfortable. She behaved quite oddly throughout, just was very intense. She also immediately added my friend on Facebook (along with other friends of mine that she's not met) and now messages her all of the time, similar to the way she messages me. At work she also keeps bringing my friend up as "her friend" when talking to other people (she's only met her this one time). I don't really care about this but it's just so odd. She also sought out other people in my life to "befriend" who again she's never met, like someone I used to work with really briefly who she messaged and asked for the phone number of?? My friends then ask me about it and I don't really know what to say or how to explain it. The thing is, she is a nice person and I know she does struggle with her mental health (she is on medication and having therapy) and I do want to be supportive and try and help her- it's just getting harder and harder. I don't think anything I'm doing is helping her because if anything she's getting worse!

She's quite a bit older than me (I'm mid twenties) but I often feel like I'm back at school because there's constantly some "drama" she needs consoling about. I basically want to know if I'm BU or overreacting (as she seems to believe, when I've brought anything up with her) or if anyone has experienced anything like this before and has any advice for coping with it? I'd like to be a good friend to her but also can't cope with the stress and drama this brings if it continues unabated!

Can I just throw in that there are a mass of armchair psychiatrists on this thread! None of us know what is going on inside her head, so we all need to step back, as you do OP. Just reclaim yourself, your work, your life, step back, and allow her to continue on with hers in whatever form that may be.

OMG OP, she has manipulated you and intruded on your life to the n-th degree - nothing about this situation is normal or okay. I agree with everything people have said about protecting yourself and reporting to HR in writing.

On a side note - what the heck, I can't imagine a role where you're partnered up with someone, expected to look after them, can't get away from them and have to take annual leave at the same time? Sounds like a form of torture to me to me!

Can I just throw in that there are a mass of armchair psychiatrists on this thread

I agree that no one can diagnose the colleague reliably over t'internet and the Narc-hunting on MN usually drives me mad too. However, in this case, the point that I and others who have suggested PD are trying to make is that the OP needs to get professional support from HR, not try to tackle the colleague's behaviour herself, which is likely to escalate things. It doesn't really matter what the diagnosis is: the point is that the behaviour is pathological.

I feel worn out reading this! I am not saying this is the same as yours, but we had a receptionist at my work who was just so charming. And yet, when I came back from a long period of absence (very ill) she didn’t speak to me. She ignored 3 of us the office and yet everyone thought she was the bees knees! She even convinced someone to resign. No one believed us and we were made to feel like bullies. Eventually, she left and gradually people have realised that she was bat shit crazy!
Could you try and record one of her meltdowns on your phone? Can you print copies of the text messages, just so when you go to HR they can see that you are not making it up? Could a member of HR pop in frequently so they could maybe see how stressed you are with her and maybe they could witness it?
Life may be uncomfortable for a while, but how is this different to what you are currently dealing with? She has no right to message you out of work and could your friends print some of the messages, just to back up your story. Good luck

Yes speak to HR, just tell the truth about the texts and calls, but say it's getting a bit stalker-ish and your concerned if you cut her off ( which you want to in your personal life ) that it will affect her professional relationship with you. I wouldn't bother saying with the help at work thing, just stop that going forward, say she is capable if she asks for help, but you have your own work to do. See what HR suggest, hopefully her line manager can support her instead.

Then I'd get a new phone number.

Gosh yes this woman is seriously mentally ill . I'm actually a bit worried for you .
I agree go to HR just explain everything you have said here . I think you have to be careful about just ignoring her messages completely she sounds unhinged who knows how she'll react . Perhaps HR will have some advice how to deal with her . Please don't put up with her till next year who knows how his this will escalate .

You might want to write to HR, rather than speak to them. You can put down what you have here and add specific examples, particularly about contacting your friends and family etc.

That way you can revise it and make sure it is exactly what you want to say. Then speak to them.

Hi I have only read the first two pages but really think you need to start logging your concerns with HR. If only to protect yourself from a similar situation as her previous partner. She nearly lost her job! So this means you could find yourself in the same situation.

Start any conversation you have with manager/HR that you want to urgently change your colleague partnership as the "working relationship " has broken down.

Talk to your GP to get an opinion about the effects on your own physical and mental health.

Don't linger on her "diagnosis" focus on the effects on you so keeping the conversations centered on what is true eg I am not sleeping, I am suffering stomach pains/headaches/depression or whatever

Go to HR - immediately. You say that she can twist things and make you look like the bad guy but as Nettletea says:
You have phone records, you have texts, you have lists of missed calls a mile long. Your friends can confirm she has been contacting them / checking up on you.

Can you contact the ex-partner and get her to corroborate these behaviours? Would she help you do you think? No need to worry about what your colleagues think and how this woman presents as ‘normal’. If two of their colleagues are complaining about exactly the same thing then they will clearly see that its not you with the problem, its your partner.

I am feeling really anxious just reading this - goodness only knows how you are coping with living it.

I'm another one who wouldn't normally suggest a person has X/Y/Z condition but as sick as I read the op I thought of EUPD/BPD.
From what I know about it, personal experiences of a family member's situation, people tend to latch on to someone and have a very unhealthy obsession with them. This woman sounds like she is massively unhinged.

I would worry about my safety, sorry if that sounds dramatic but she isn't stable.

She is not a friend. She doesnt actually care about you in the slightest, she is using you completely for her own gain (eg hoping you get bad review to make herself feel better, saying it's your job to support her for her mental health), absolutely nothing you have said implies you get anything at all from this friendship. She is stalking you outside work!! So you need to stop feeling guilty or doing things from guilt for a start.

I'd start being unavailable outside work. Lie if you have to. Set up other social media accounts and block her. Tell her you're taking a break from your phone for your own mental health. It might feel more manageable if you are only having to deal with her inside work. Try and be vague about plans. Tell her you're out with friends, she doesnt know them, make up their names so she cant find them on SM, tell her you're turning your phone off. When she asks about reviews or anything you dont have to tell her, say youd rather not talk about it as you see it as private.

In work you do need to speak to HR. Normally I'd say to speak to the person first but I dont think it would work in this case. You will need to be prepared that she will turn it all back on you, accuse you of being a bully etc as it sounds like you just have a supporting role in her drama, she does not care about you and wants to paint herself as the victim.

Record everything. Absolutely everything. Inside and outside work. Start on Monday. All the extra work things you do for her. All the crying. All the comments about you having to support her or her hoping you do badly. All the contact outside work even when you say you want a break from your phone. All the contact to your friends. Try and put anything work related in writing (eg you've asked me about this before, why don't I email you instructions then you can refer back to them next time) so you can show how much time is spent on her work as well as yours. I would actually try and record her for a day so you have solid evidence.

This situation is NOT ok. You are being paid to do your work and you can be friends with a colleague if YOU want to. You are not paid to do your work and your colleagues work and be her friend and take on responsibility for all her mental health problems inside and outside work, and involve her in all your other friendships. If she was male, it would be called harassment.

I would also think very carefully about what you say to HR (things like taking credit for your work probably dont matter, depending where you work, most people aren't under any obligation to disclose what help they got, and most people are supposed to help colleagues if their colleague is stuck). I would more focus on how her constant demand for help both work, when its things she should know, and emotional problems is affecting you and how she is harassing you outside work. This is where evidence such as putting things in writing is crucial as it has much more impact to say 'look, in one day here are 10 emails I had to send, look at the content, it's all about basic parts of her job'

Good luck

Thank you so much- I will put everybody's advice into action. I haven't replied to any Of her messages so far today or yesterday. I didn't realise you could utilise do not disturb for just one specific contact- absolutely amazing, wish I knew that a year ago!

Good luck butterfly you've got this and us 💐

She sounds completely unhinged.

TBH I'd leave and find a different job. When handing in your notice I would make it explicitly clear to HR that you are not sharing this information with her, because she has been stalking and harassing you. Then once you have finished your notice, send her one message to say that you no longer want to hear from her and that she is to stop contacting you. Then block her on everything, tell your friends what's been happening and ask them not to engage with her is she contacts them.

If she carries on then involve the police.

Glad that you have put her on silent. I think starting with your personal life first and creating a distance is good.

No one has any right to be friends with colleagues, therefore there can't be any fallout from your management if she says you're being mean by not responding to her outside of your contracted hours.

Hey op. Ive employed a person with a personality disorder and narc personality (all diagnosed by a professional). Its really difficult to manage them. They are always the innocent victim and play the role really well. Like your colleague, my one is very intelligent. I wish you luck.

I would be very careful about changing your behaviour towards her without speaking to management first.
Normally I'd be the first to say try working things out yourself first...but this isn't your run of the mill personality clash.
This woman modifies her behaviour when others are present.
She's stalking you.
She actively wants you to fail.
Look at what happened to her old partner.
As soon as you start to stand up to her, she will turn nasty fast.
Management need to be aware this is possible before it happens to give you the most protection possible.
They sound like they aren't great...but if you, a former friend who has tried her best to be supportive, come to them with the exact same issues her previous partner had, they'd have to be pretty incompetent not to spot the pattern.
If they are that useless, I don't think there will be a way out of this without moving jobs or trying to transfer.
I would write down everything and take it to management. I wouldn't hand over the document but I'd have it to hand in the meeting.
And until you have done this, I wouldn't alter my behaviour towards her at all.

You need to make a list of unemotional bullet points including her stalking activities outside work. Then go to HR asap. They have a duty of card to you, its not just about her mental health.

You need to cease all contact with her outside work.

Well done for taking the first steps, OP.

Be prepared for a massive backlash on Monday morning if you don’t respond to her at all before then. Or even before - does she know where you live?

Is it possible for you to get to work earlier than normal and speak to HR/line manager before she gets in? Because there’s every chance that by cutting her off over the weekend you have made yourself enemy number one and she will start a campaign to discredit you.

Wow. She's frightening. I would report to management/HR as soon as you can. Once she realises you are beginning to crack she will probably start the process of making herself the victim again so she can get a new partner. She won't care about whether you keep your job or not.
Take in your phone records showing her messages and how often she calls. You will need to produce all the evidence straight away to get them to understand the seriousness of the situation.

I'd ask for a hr meeting and explain that you were paired up as it was felt you'd be sympathetic and help her.
It's now crossed a line, she's affecting your mental health and stress levels. You'd don't want a confrontation with her as you feel things will escalate but you want them to know you'll no longer be writing her work or doing her work for her as you've your own caseload and are sick of her good work actually being yours.
Say you want no help but are alerting them that you'll be doing your own job to the high standard as usual.

So sorry OP.

I have no advice but thought you may relate in me saying that I've been there too. Personally I think because I'm too nice, hate confrontation and feel guilty easily I have often fallen prey to people like this.

I could advise you to tell her to stop doing what she's doing but then it's not that easy is it..... Until one day you get so angry that you cant take anymore.and flip (which is what I did and ended up looking like a psycho).
.

It could be that your management team or HR know or suspect some of this stuff already, but have chosen the path of least resistance (pair her up with someone accommodating) rather than actually deal with the situation. In hindsight, do you think you were seen to be someone who'd be particularly nice / helpful? If so, you need to be very clear that you're not willing to play nice and put up with this colleague's nonsense. You matter. Your colleague seemed to latch onto you for a reason. She's probably put out feelers and realised that other people weren't going to play ball, so focused on you. This is not your fault - she's had a lifetime of spotting who to target. The question is why management didn't do anything more than just swap her from one partner to another. So I think you need to be factual with them - this is what's happening, this is how it affects me, I need help. If they try to fob you off with informal chats, don't let them. Sorting difficult situations is their job. Put things in writing. Don't be scared about using phrases like "feeling unsafe", "inappropriate behaviour" etc and be clear that you expect their support. This is a difficult situation, but it can be fixed.