To find this friend so difficult??

[butterfly220]

[name changed, sorry for the long post- trying not to drip feed. I feel like I have an endless amount I could say as this has been bothering me for so long!]

I have always thought I was quite a patient person but I am finding this friend really, really grating! I don't know if it's me, and I'm letting it get to me unreasonably or if this would get on the nerves of even the most patient person in the world!

We work together, and I can't really change that any time soon and in our context it would be very very difficult to distance myself.

Basically this friend will stick to me like glue for the entire work day- copying absolutely everything I do. I find this exhausting and very irritating, but when I try and call her out on it she always says she has low confidence and isn't sure what she's doing so I can kind of see why the copying is coming about (although I think she's perfectly competent and intelligent enough to do it on her own). But I do mean copying absolutely everything, like snatching things off me to see what I've written to write the exact same thing. I find I'm really doing her job as well as my own a lot of the time because when we are doing something different she'll bring things to me and ask me to do it- and then always takes any credit for herself I should add! I know I shouldn't let it get to me but when I've done something she's asked me to do, then someone comes and says to her that it was great etc. She'll just say "oh thanks!" even when I'm right there. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets very emotional and always ends up with her making me feel bad or unsupportive. I feel like I spend 90% of my time trying to make her feel better, I often feel a lot like her counsellor and go home very emotionally drained. Everything is always very centred on her, for instance when she had a review at work (just general targets etc.) and it went well I thought it was a great opportunity to build her confidence and I went on about how brilliant it was, reiterating all the positive feedback etc. We talked about it for ages. Then when I had mine, I came back and as soon as I sat down she said please could I not tell her what they said because she didn't want to know what they'd said because she thought it would make her feel bad. I said okay and there was silence for a while as we worked and then she said can you just say yes or no to did it go well? I said it was fine and then she actually said "I don't want to sound like a bad friend but I think it'd make me feel a lot better about myself if yours hadn't gone well". It's always very focussed on her. If anyone says anything that's not 100% positive to her (even just a casual neutral comment) she's distraught and the entire day is spent trying to rationalise it with her. She is very negative which I find very draining. She normally greets me every day with "how are you?" Then when I say I'm fine and ask how she is she says "not great, I cried all night again." She always says this very matter of factly and kind of expectantly waits for my sympathy if that makes sense. She does keep saying she doesn't think the job is for her and I said I did think she should quit if it's making her feel so down but then straight away she's saying I'm saying that because I don't want to work with her/ I think she's crap at her job etc. So then I spend a lot of time reassuring her that that isn't true.

I think I could cope with this if it was just during work and I could escape from it at home but out of work she will message me all of the time asking me what I'm doing, who I'm with etc. If I don't immediately reply she will keep messaging me question marks, then I get "I'm getting really worried now, please respond." Then phone calls! Even if it's only been 10 minutes since her first text. If I reply and say, for instance, I'm out shopping. Then I'll get a barrage of questions about where, who with, what am I buying. She also always tries to invite herself to whatever plans I have. If I'm going to a friend's house- she'll ask if she can come. Despite never having met my friend. I have to politely explain that it's really just a catch up with an old friend and I didn't really feel like I could bring along someone who my other friend has never met. I was going to see a member of my family for their birthday- she wanted to come.

She is happily married and does have her own friends! I thought maybe she was just lonely and wanted to increase her social circle and thought maybe that would help, so I invited her to a meal out with a friend of mine a while ago and I regretted it so much so I'd really rather not do that again. She cried because they got her order wrong, and this made my friend very uncomfortable. She behaved quite oddly throughout, just was very intense. She also immediately added my friend on Facebook (along with other friends of mine that she's not met) and now messages her all of the time, similar to the way she messages me. At work she also keeps bringing my friend up as "her friend" when talking to other people (she's only met her this one time). I don't really care about this but it's just so odd. She also sought out other people in my life to "befriend" who again she's never met, like someone I used to work with really briefly who she messaged and asked for the phone number of?? My friends then ask me about it and I don't really know what to say or how to explain it. The thing is, she is a nice person and I know she does struggle with her mental health (she is on medication and having therapy) and I do want to be supportive and try and help her- it's just getting harder and harder. I don't think anything I'm doing is helping her because if anything she's getting worse!

She's quite a bit older than me (I'm mid twenties) but I often feel like I'm back at school because there's constantly some "drama" she needs consoling about. I basically want to know if I'm BU or overreacting (as she seems to believe, when I've brought anything up with her) or if anyone has experienced anything like this before and has any advice for coping with it? I'd like to be a good friend to her but also can't cope with the stress and drama this brings if it continues unabated!

Your

How long have you worked together? Can you ask to change the partnership? What happens when you are on annual leave?

@Smelborp thank you for understanding what it's like! It's such a relief to actually explain- I feel like I've been storing it up for so long!

No I definitely do not give her my friends' numbers- she tracks them down! I don't even know how she does for some of them, like I said some of them I don't even know that well! I know some of them she got from Facebook or Instagram. I actually blocked her on IG but that's caused a right drama, I'm having to pretend it's an Instagram glitch at the moment. They don't reply WTF to her, they message that to me in a "who is this person who says she's your friend" kind of way. I don't know what they reply to her. I expect they either ignore or respond civilly but shortly.

She sounds incredibly hard work. Can you put her on Do not disturb on your phone? That way you don't have to switch off or put it onto silent mode if she's messaging you all the time.
In the meantime time I'd definitely speak to HR about her behaviour at work, the sooner the better.

@Fretfulparent the first year I worked there we weren't partnered but she kind of came to me continually for emotional support but I thought she was just having a rough time and didn't realise that was her usual persona. We were then partnered up in September 2018 and still are now

You need to write down everything you have just put in that last post and present it to your manager and Hr. She is insane and there is no way you should be putting up with it. Are you part of a union?

I feel drained just reading that! I would write down your boundaries and really think about them. Also how to avoid crossing that line again. For example keep her as a work collegue only by not talking about your social life nor inviting her out. Block her number for a few weeks just to get some space. When she asks just explain that you're having problems with your phone. The work load thing is not right, you know that's not just helping her out?! You're actually doing it for her! Next time she asks for help, say, hang on when I finish what I'm doing I can show you what to do. When you're done in an hour, explain what to do. But don't actually do it for her, guide her through it while making her do it. Email your boss's facts, you're worried about her as shes struggling to do her job. Can they offer training to support her better as at the moment you're doing it for her. Which is interfering with your job. She is not a friend just a colleague, remember that.

I understand how you are a friend to her, but I don't understand how she is a friend to you.

The previous partner troubles give you a good 'in' to talk frankly to HR about her. It sounds like her mental health is completely getting in the way of both her job and interacting with colleagues normally. Just passing her around various staff members until you all lose your jobs/are off with stress with sink them pretty quick so they'll have to do something!

She sounds like someone I would have sympathy for but that's not a pass to make everyone miserable, especially at work where you all have things to be getting on with. Pass the problem onto HR, then decide what your personal out-of-work boundaries are and uphold them in a firm but kind way.

I think you need to have a very serious chat with your manager about this woman’s behaviour at work, but also I would explain that she is constantly messaging you out of work as well and you are starting to feel uncomfortable with the level of attention and contact she is insisting on. It sounds like she is stopping you from doing your own job a lot of the time and the constant crying and sharing her relationship woes on the office is just completely inappropriate.

I also think that, regardless of whether it will make her cry, you need to tell her quite firmly that she is to stop messaging you in the evenings and that if you don’t reply, she isn’t to follow up with more messages because you are simply busy doing other things and being glued to your phone is interfering with your personal life.

If she cries and says you must hate her, tell her that no, you don’t, but she must understand that constant contact is just too much. Then at least if things do get taken further at work, she can’t claim she didn’t know any of this was bothering you.

@Fretfulparent sorry I just realised I only responded to half of your post. Unfortunately I cannot request to change partnerships, the next opportunity to do that will be July 2020 (when I absolutely will be first in line to move!)

We have to take annual leave at the same time so it just means I get messages all day rather than just the evenings and weekends.

And what you just said about phone numbers!!! She’s a stalker not a friend and I’d be looking for another job as of Monday

Request a supervision session with your manager and tell / show them everything. Explain that you need back-up if co-worker tries to manipulate you or harrass you.

Ask your manager if you can tell co-worker to run any requests (demands!) past him/her next time she asks you to do something and make sure the manager agrees to say no, every time.

Her behaviour is complex: she does seem to have some form of narcissistic personality disorder. It will not be easy to extricate yourself from her but she is damaging you. You could be achieving so much more in work without her. Stop giving her your soul.

Rules
Next time she asks you to do something, tell her to run it past your manager, who will send you permission by email so that your extra-curricular work is logged for your next appraisal. This is your stock phrase and you must stick to it. Stay silent if she repeats the request. Turn away from her and focus on your work. Body language is a strong tool.
Don't let her grab anything off you - keep your work in a big, hardback notebook. Stay silent if she tries to grab it and keep a tight grip.
Don't fall for the low self-esteem scenario - this is utter manipulation. Stop asking her questions or listening to her. You are not her rescuer and silence is a useful weapon that you need to make use of big time.

She is absolutely fine because she has both a work and emotional slave in you. Back off right now.

This is horrendous.

You need to speak to HR/management ASAP. Explain the behaviours, show them the messages and tell them that this is damaging your mental health, you are going to pull back from the “friendship” but you are concerned about how she will react.

Then grey rock.

I know you don't want to say what you do, but I've been trying to think about jobs where you might be 'paired' like this and all the ones I can think of are public sector, public facing and potentially dealing with vulnerable people - is this the case for your job? If so, I really think you need to get HR involved not just for your sake (though do do it for your sake!) but also because I don't think this person, who seems deeply unstable, sounds like they should be dealing with vulnerable people, especially if they're in any sort of position of power over them

I honestly think you need to go to HR - tell them everything in an ‘I am worried about X’ way, and then tell them it is massively impacting your mental health and something needs to be done before you crack and/or leave.

You need to stick up for yourself - and rest assured, you have been more than supportive towards this woman, and she has overstepped every boundary. You are not responsible for the situation or her mental health. You couldn’t have done more, and now you need to give yourself the same level of support and care you have given her!

Bloody hell, I'm naturally an empath but this is next level. She needs reporting to your manager/HR before she really affects your MH and wellbeing (seems like she's already making tracks).

Thank you for all of your support. I will try and be much more assertive about it from Monday, she just has this knack to make me feel like it's all my fault she's struggling. I have tried to talk to her about it a lot and (firstly she always gets very very emotional and makes me feel like a terribly unreasonable and oversensitive person) she says she feels like we are always being compared (I have no idea who she thinks is doing this comparing because I really don't think anyone cares or notices so long as the job gets done) and everyone thinks she is inferior to me (this is completely untrue.) She says she feels like it's a competition and that she needs to beat me (without outing my work, I should just say there's absolutely not a single element of it that's even remotely competitive. It's not data driven at all. Also as a partnership we're supposed to be a team so I really don't know why she's got this idea she needs to 'beat me'). She says she feels like everyone thinks I'm better at the job than her (absolutely no one seems to notice I do most of her work for her so I can't imagine that's true for a second) and that her mental health would be a lot better if I would work on making her look better (???) Apparently this is why she asks me to do things for her, and that's why she then passes it off as her on work. I find this baffling (and probably just an excuse because I called her out on her behaviour) because absolutely no one at my work thinks this, like I said it's supposed to be a partnership so we are actually a team just with our own responsibilities, she's a very intelligent woman (Oxbridge educated!) and absolutely capable of doing her job when she decides to do it for herself.

Mm I’ve had a couple of these. First of all, this woman is not your friend. Think of yourself as a target. People like this latch on to however they think will be sympathetic to their plight. Her concern for you isn’t genuine! Take the morning greeting. Does she care how you are? No! She’s only asking so you’ll ask her so she can moan. Stop feeling sorry for her and thinking she’s nice, she’s only doing what’s in her own best interest. When you get your head around that, she’ll lose some of the power she has over you and you’ll be able to stand up to her. She’s also manipulating you with all the BS about copying you.

You need to go back into your manager with a proper list of the issues, ideally written down. Do you have an HR department?
The copying and adding to your work load is awful. What would you advise with children at school?! If one cried because they were struggling would a teacher Ah okay then, keep copying from Butterfly then, hey, she can do your homework this week too! I would get assertive at work. I would say quite firmly each time she does it that it needs to stop, do her own work. Yes she’ll cry a bit, gnash her teeth (more attempts at manipulation). Will she complain to your manager? Doubtful because she’s copying your work!

Outside of work you can claim to have phone issues? Just don’t be there for her. With my over zealous ‘frenemy’ I just stopped answering the phone so much. Slower and slower to reply to texts. Brief messages like ‘Sorry, I’m busy tonight, can’t talk’. Eventually she turned on me, starting sending messages that were meant to be nice but the contempt thinly veiled (like asking how I was but saying I looked ill!). We stopped working together (honestly I would advise you polish up your CV), best thing to happen. She then suddenly deleted me off social media! Don’t know why she did but I feel relieved.

People like this are very draining, especially when you work with them but they also contact you out of work. Believe me I get it! But from a self-preservation point of view you have to take a stand. Stop feeling sorry for her and recognise her for what she is. She’ll latch on to someone else when she realises.

Oh my god, she sounds exhausting. I was stressed just reading your post.

Is there someone you could talk to confidentially at work? It sounds like it needs to be her manager's job, not yours, to start building up her confidence.

I agree, I think you need to tell HR too about how she is going to places out of work to check up on you, and calling your friends to see if you really are seeing them. That is sooooooo far over the boundaries that they've been left in the distance.
And what happens if you plans suddenly change and she 'catches you out'?? I dont bare to think of how this impacting on you and impacting on your job.
The fact it is impacting work is why you need to speak to them. You dont want your work record blighted by her. I expect the previous partner has had similar, and she has targetted you as a soft touch.
Its not right that you were given the responsibility for lookking after her - she has played that to the full - snatching work off you so she can copy it is outrageous behaviour.

I’m not a clinical psychologist (though I have a psychology background) and can’t diagnose people from a Mumsnet thread, but she is exhibiting many of the behaviours associated with Borderline Personality Disorder - anxiety, intense attachment, and so forth. Even if she doesn’t have that, it may be worth looking into strategies to support her, and to help you reset boundaries and protect yourself. I’d also get in touch with HR to voice your concerns. You are not a counsellor and you should not be put in the position just because you can cope with her. Take what you have told us to your line manager in the first instance, and ask that he/she comes up with a way forward. Ultimately, she should be receiving the help she needs, and it should not be pushed onto you.

She’s not your friend, OP. From what you’ve said, I’d suggest that her previous partner got sick of her manipulation and laziness and your so called friend must have turned on her and lied, in order to get her into trouble.

She went looking for someone else to manipulate because she knew she’d burned her bridges with the previous partner and zoned in on you because you’re younger and more easily manipulated and bullied, because she IS bullying you, OP. All this pressure, getting you to do her work and taking credit for it, manipulation, etc IS bullying. You need to make a decision. Are you going to let her continue to affect your work? It will eventually affect your ability to work to a good standard if you’re doing her job as well as yours. Or are you going to make changes?

She's a fucking leech.

Copy and paste this post to HR on Monday. Ask to be moved.

And block her on everything. And tell your friends what you have done. She sounds completely unhinged.

My God.

She is no friend. She is the opposite.

She doesn’t sound ill, she sounds like a nasty, manipulative bastard who is willing to do anything to make herself look good. Be very careful, OP.