To find this friend so difficult??

[butterfly220]

[name changed, sorry for the long post- trying not to drip feed. I feel like I have an endless amount I could say as this has been bothering me for so long!]

I have always thought I was quite a patient person but I am finding this friend really, really grating! I don't know if it's me, and I'm letting it get to me unreasonably or if this would get on the nerves of even the most patient person in the world!

We work together, and I can't really change that any time soon and in our context it would be very very difficult to distance myself.

Basically this friend will stick to me like glue for the entire work day- copying absolutely everything I do. I find this exhausting and very irritating, but when I try and call her out on it she always says she has low confidence and isn't sure what she's doing so I can kind of see why the copying is coming about (although I think she's perfectly competent and intelligent enough to do it on her own). But I do mean copying absolutely everything, like snatching things off me to see what I've written to write the exact same thing. I find I'm really doing her job as well as my own a lot of the time because when we are doing something different she'll bring things to me and ask me to do it- and then always takes any credit for herself I should add! I know I shouldn't let it get to me but when I've done something she's asked me to do, then someone comes and says to her that it was great etc. She'll just say "oh thanks!" even when I'm right there. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets very emotional and always ends up with her making me feel bad or unsupportive. I feel like I spend 90% of my time trying to make her feel better, I often feel a lot like her counsellor and go home very emotionally drained. Everything is always very centred on her, for instance when she had a review at work (just general targets etc.) and it went well I thought it was a great opportunity to build her confidence and I went on about how brilliant it was, reiterating all the positive feedback etc. We talked about it for ages. Then when I had mine, I came back and as soon as I sat down she said please could I not tell her what they said because she didn't want to know what they'd said because she thought it would make her feel bad. I said okay and there was silence for a while as we worked and then she said can you just say yes or no to did it go well? I said it was fine and then she actually said "I don't want to sound like a bad friend but I think it'd make me feel a lot better about myself if yours hadn't gone well". It's always very focussed on her. If anyone says anything that's not 100% positive to her (even just a casual neutral comment) she's distraught and the entire day is spent trying to rationalise it with her. She is very negative which I find very draining. She normally greets me every day with "how are you?" Then when I say I'm fine and ask how she is she says "not great, I cried all night again." She always says this very matter of factly and kind of expectantly waits for my sympathy if that makes sense. She does keep saying she doesn't think the job is for her and I said I did think she should quit if it's making her feel so down but then straight away she's saying I'm saying that because I don't want to work with her/ I think she's crap at her job etc. So then I spend a lot of time reassuring her that that isn't true.

I think I could cope with this if it was just during work and I could escape from it at home but out of work she will message me all of the time asking me what I'm doing, who I'm with etc. If I don't immediately reply she will keep messaging me question marks, then I get "I'm getting really worried now, please respond." Then phone calls! Even if it's only been 10 minutes since her first text. If I reply and say, for instance, I'm out shopping. Then I'll get a barrage of questions about where, who with, what am I buying. She also always tries to invite herself to whatever plans I have. If I'm going to a friend's house- she'll ask if she can come. Despite never having met my friend. I have to politely explain that it's really just a catch up with an old friend and I didn't really feel like I could bring along someone who my other friend has never met. I was going to see a member of my family for their birthday- she wanted to come.

She is happily married and does have her own friends! I thought maybe she was just lonely and wanted to increase her social circle and thought maybe that would help, so I invited her to a meal out with a friend of mine a while ago and I regretted it so much so I'd really rather not do that again. She cried because they got her order wrong, and this made my friend very uncomfortable. She behaved quite oddly throughout, just was very intense. She also immediately added my friend on Facebook (along with other friends of mine that she's not met) and now messages her all of the time, similar to the way she messages me. At work she also keeps bringing my friend up as "her friend" when talking to other people (she's only met her this one time). I don't really care about this but it's just so odd. She also sought out other people in my life to "befriend" who again she's never met, like someone I used to work with really briefly who she messaged and asked for the phone number of?? My friends then ask me about it and I don't really know what to say or how to explain it. The thing is, she is a nice person and I know she does struggle with her mental health (she is on medication and having therapy) and I do want to be supportive and try and help her- it's just getting harder and harder. I don't think anything I'm doing is helping her because if anything she's getting worse!

She's quite a bit older than me (I'm mid twenties) but I often feel like I'm back at school because there's constantly some "drama" she needs consoling about. I basically want to know if I'm BU or overreacting (as she seems to believe, when I've brought anything up with her) or if anyone has experienced anything like this before and has any advice for coping with it? I'd like to be a good friend to her but also can't cope with the stress and drama this brings if it continues unabated!

Bluntness is the only way I think.

You can't pussyfoot around ebcause she either won't get it or will continue to try to manipulate you. Simple and straight to the point unemotional statements.

This is less mental health and more personality. She's clearly struggling to forge or maintain appropriate boundaries and it sounds like she has a really poor sense of self for whatever reason. SHe's probably very fragile and quite damaged but none of that is your responsibility.
Let management/HR manage her!

she is a parasite, you need to stop helping her in the job (she has had long enough now to get to grips with her position), stop showing her your notes, stop feeling guilty. I don't know what you could possibly be feeling guilty about, you gave her time, advice and help in her role. You were pleasant and friendly and supportive and now she is draining your energy at work and personally - a parasite/leech. Those human creatures know to be nice and how to elicit sympathy when needed.

You are doing your intelligence a massive disservice on not calling this out. It does not have to be a nasty confrontation if you are a personality that prefers to keep polite boundaries. You could just say say 'Mary, I am limiting my social media to my family, some people are encroaching on my life too much and it's an all or nothing thing, can't make allowances, all my good friends understand"
'Mary, job is so stressful, can you take on some things independently, feel we could split the workload evenly and discuss at end of week'

But in reality I'd hedge my bets on her turning into a bunny boiler and get a few quick sentences in on a quiet morning, you are asking me for help all the time, you are not new at the job, you are really capable yourself, I can't help you anymore.(Sure you get piles of credit from people for a job well done, wink and smile).We need to work solo from now on and as a team when required. Someone else on here would word that really well. Throw a copy to HR if you are in a company with Hr.

Or do as @MrsA2015 said Fuck that. You need to be ruthless and tell her to do one.
Lose your shit some friends meeting, and tell her you are sick of carrying her and to get her crap together on her own and to just say out of your life in no uncertain terms (but don't do it at work).

Hrth your first post was enough.
You seriously need to get this woman away from you. She's holding you back.
Please speak to your manager, her welfare is not your responsibility it's theirs.
I would ask to be moved to a different part of the team in terms of seating arrangement too.
I don't envy you. You have a job to do and should be allowed to get on with it.
Yóu need to stop her contacting you in your personal life as well.

This may provide a few answers. Narcissism is a spectrum: despite what MN would have you believe, the world isn't divided into narcissists and non-narcissists - we all have narcissistic traits. But your 'friend' (she's not your friend) sounds as if she may be pathologically narcissistic.

I've come across a few folk like this over the years. Yes, it is a personality disorder, a profoundly unhealthy way of being in the world and relating to people. She might have depression and anxiety but plenty of people with depression/anxiety are not personality-disordered and do not behave like this.

A few years ago, out shopping in my smallish town, I got talking to this elderly women at a bus-stop. Or rather, she got talking to me. I thought initially that she was just making conversation but over the next few months I realised she had similar problems to this woman you're describing. She was, basically, a leech, would waylay me when I was out shopping and tell me virtually everything about her life: her mother who had recently died, her secretarial job, the kinds of fabric she liked to buy to make dresses with, everything. I thought she was lonely so I tolerated it. Big mistake: she wouldn't take hints and she definitely wasn't interested in anything I myself might have to say. Once I saw her coming along the pavement and strategically nipped into a shop in order to avoid her (don't think she had seen me.) What I saw from inside the shop was this woman waylaying three or four different people, trying to engage them in "conversation": the first one obviously said something like "I'm sorry, I can't stop" and then she almost immediately waylaid another person! The desperation was palpable and it was also clear that it didn't matter to her even who the people were.
Needy? Yes. Anxious, definitely. In need of professional help? Yes (I don't know if she was getting any.)

I realise your situation is harder because you actually work with this person and also, she has your phone number. I agree you really, really have to be insistent about her not ringing/texting you at home If she does, it's time for a very firm "I won't be answering again tonight. I am busy." Don't apologise, don't explain: you don't have to. And yes, do get HR involved because her behaviour is damaging your work and your wellbeing and that is not on.
Sympathy for someone with mental health issues is all very well but she's relying on you not to say anything. As others have said: she has no boundaries. Most people would be EMBARRASSED at behaving like this day after day but she doesn't seem to be, ask yourself why that is. This is not a person with a lot of empathy for others. All the crying, etc and the "I spent all night crying again" remarks, these are manipulative. And all this homing in on your friends, harassing them, wanting to be everywhere where you are yourself, etc, this is all really disturbed and deeply inappropriate behaviour.

But you can't put her right just by being "kind" to her; what might have an effect on a more-or-less normal person who has some problems is not going to work here. This is deep-rooted stuff. And you can bet everything you own that you are not the first person she has treated in this way. As for her being happily married, is this what she herself says? Because people who are narcissistic spend a lot of time telling others "I have a happy marriage", "All my children are utterly devoted to me" etc. . .and that is really not the case, they are projecting a false image and what goes on at home with people like this is often horrific for the other people in their family. Someone as needy and clingy and inappropriate as this would be a hellish spouse!

Firstly, what Hypatia said. Secondly, you need to stop helping her completely at work, and you need to say to HR that, after two years, it's time for another partnering swap-round. And thirdly, stop lying to her: just say you're not answering the phone or responding to messages because you need peace in the evenings.

And maybe start looking for another job?

Totally agree with other pps that you need to write a full, but concise, report to HR. Block her on your phone & all social media, she isn't a friend or relative, you've no reason in the world to have any contact with her outside of the work environment. Tell HR in your letter that your blocking her & add screenshots of the volume & content of her messages. Put forward your own suggestions for resolutions e.g. being split as a "team", a camera installed in your work space to monitor the dynamic so that they can make a better assessment of the on-going problem If they )or she kick up over a camera then ask that an independent member of staff be permanently accommodated in your work area as well..

Be clear in your letter you're putting them on notice that both your efficiency as an employer and your mental health are being seriously compromised.
If she asks you how you are in work tell her you're terrible & don't want to talk. Can you wear headphones in work? Even if it's only white noise have them on constantly. She can pass you a note if she needs your attention. Keep the notes. If she starts crying tell her she's a grown woman who needs to deal with her own problems, you've got enough of your own.

Sounds like classic EUPD not Narcissistic PD (narcissists don't usually seek constant support and reassurance or mimic others).

You need to set clear boundaries and stick to them. No socialising after work, you're busy in the evenings and need to relax. Don't respond to any calls/texts from her outside work and when she guilt trips you just say in a cold surprised tone 'but I told you I wouldn't be using my phone in the evenings, I need time to myself' and keep repeating that. Be cold. Be firm about her copying your work and say 'you need to learn to do it yourself, I'll show you once more and then I want you to do it by yourself, it's for your own good'. Keep emphasising she needs to learn for her own good. Don't respond to tears and complaining, tell her to take 5 minutes to calm down. When she does something independently praise her lavishly. Any negative behaviour just ignore.

Maybe she's not on the right meds or getting the right therapy, suggest she takes some sick leave or goes to occupational health and her GP to get some help if this continues.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, I've been there before and nearly changed jobs because of it.

Oh my God. This is really awful, actually. I can't believe you've been able to manage it alone so long.

You need help from your manager here. I think you need to tell them everything you've told us.

Obviously this could go well or not so well, but you can't keep going like this, it'll ruin your own mental health.

Honestly, just look for another job. Life is too short. Once you've left then block her and change your number. But do record her behaviour with your manager and HR, for their records and for when she does it again. I suspect if you ask to change partners she would do something drastic to stop that happening. Unless you talk to your manager and HR first you will inevitably end up looking like the bad guy.

I only read the first two pages and had to stop because I could feel my stress levels rising! You are a saint to have put up with this for as long as you have, OP, because this woman is a stalker hiding in plain sight. Have you ever talked to her last partner, the one she almost got sacked? I bet anything her story is identical to yours and that it went sour when she turned against stalker-woman, so tread very carefully.

First, explain to your friends what's going on. Make them understand it's affecting YOUR mental health. Then ask them to block stalker-woman so she cannot contact them as part of harassing you. Then stop messaging her back out of hours, grey rock her as much as possible in the workplace and please talk to your HR dept about what's going on. If, as I suspect, she did the same thing with the previous partner, they should be compelled to act sooner and separate you before next year. Although I'd be looking for a new job myself.

She sounds god awful and VERY draining. Eugh... distance yourself as much as possible!!!! X

By any chance are her initials SB?

You must go to HR before you change your reactions to this woman. It is likely that she will respond badly, at least at first. By going to HR first you can develop a clear plan, endorsed by them, so she can’t later say you started to bully her etc.

This woman is dangerous, don’t try to tackle her on your own.

Do not try to tackle this alone or directly with her.

You need to do this through HR because you are going to need a lot of support.

This person has taken so much time and emotion from you. When you look back later you will be (rightly) very angry.

Yeah OP, this person is nit a friend.

She us using you and playing you.

Why do you let her?

Does hour phone have a do not disturb feature? Mine allows me to put certain contacts on do not disturb. I have certain family members on it who do this ??? When I haven't replied after 1 minute and 2 seconds. I would certainly put her on it. Then reply saying I've been busy when I do reply. No sorry or anything like that.

I do think reporting to HR and by being firmer with her will be better. Don't discuss appraisals with her and become more blunt than nice.

Hope you can get it sorted.

Woah what have I just read?? Your colleague is clearly mentally unstable and she's stalking you. It's not ok. I'm sorry you're in this position but you need to do something about it

She is not a friend, she is a manipulator and stalker. She has no right to check you are where you say you’ll be.

You say you had no evidence - you have your texts, you have emails / texts from your friends asking who she is and you have your word. Yes she might manipulate things, but it’s fine for you to say, “all the extra work is making me unwell. I need to just do my own work” both to her and to bosses/HR. If you’re not immediately believed (and she has form so don’t think you won’t be) even asking to only do your own work and not have contact in our spare time would be a reasonable request.

Then you can collect evidence of her unreasonable behaviour. Keep a diary of everything.

If she loses it, then that’s evidence. Do not let her speak to you outside of work (you’re exhausted and need to rest). Do not tell her who you’re going out with. You can tell her that she has contacted your friends which is massively inappropriate and you’re not going to share details with her anymore.

She may lose it and if so, keep evidence of everything.

This is not a friend OP. Don’t think of her as one.

Some great advice on here OP, I definitely think you should write everything down and go to your manager and HR then detach from her and first and foremost protect yourself! She absolutely sounds unhinged and you don't want to end up like her ex partner!

She sounds absolutely deranged! Red flag central. She wishes you'd got a worse review so she could feel superior? She stalks your friends? She cries when a restaurant gets her order wrong? I'd be immediately pulling back from her, and as work will inevitably suffer when she starts crying and kicking off, I'd also be telling HR why.

Can't get over that she's Oxbridge educated. Just goes to show that intellectual excellence and common sense don't necessarily go hand in hand!

Sounds like classic EUPD not Narcissistic PD (narcissists don't usually seek constant support and reassurance or mimic others)

I did think about EU, but it seems unlikely that she would be read as normal by all her colleagues, other than the OP. Either way, I think we are agreed that her behaviour is on the pathological end of the spectrum and that the OP needs to get HR help, not tackle this alone.

She has perfected the 'victim' act and it's just second nature to her now. It gets the results she wants.
The thing is, she is not the vulnerable victim here, OP, you are.

I know she does struggle with her mental health

You're not wrong there.

First step, request to move away from her at work.

I'd be very carefully covering my back if I were you. She's got a life time of making this behavior work for her. I'd be having a meeting with HR sharpish.