To say that AIBU is not a green light to say what you want and is giving out the message that MN is no longer a place to come for support?

[AlternativePerspective]

More and more threads are being moved out of AIBU to other parts of the site because of the pasting the OP is getting on AIBU.

More and more I see posts from people saying that “if you didn’t want blunt answers you shouldn’t have posted in AIBU.

And yesterday, the ultimate, a thread where an OP needed genuine support having just realised she was in an abusive relationship being absolutely vilified on here, the thread was moved to relationships where the vilification continued to the point that the OP left the thread, and then the thread was deleted because it wasn’t in the spirit of the site. Is it any wonder that people feel they can’t admit to being abused when this is the kind of response they receive?

Yes, there are sometimes threads where an OP could be bluntly told that they are unreasonable, however there are threads where this is absolutely not appropriate, and a thread in AIBU doesn’t mean that this is a green light to wade in with your judgements and opinions and use whatever form of bullying you want to put your point across, sometimes to the detriment of the OP’s feelings.

I am generally of the view that if people are volatile then perhaps the net isn’t the best place to find support, however, many people do come here for support and mn has previously had a good reputation for being supportive in the face of domestic abuse. I no longer believe this to be the case.

I realise that AIBU is a good revenue generator for MN, however it is absolutely making mn look more like a fight club than anything else, and perhaps it’s time for *@mnhq@ to rethink this one?

YANBU. The vilification of a woman in an abusive relationship is unacceptable, on AIBU or in Relationships.

Couldn't agree more with you @alternativeperspective this is spot on.

I have lost count of the number of times a person has had the bravery to come on here and talk about something nuanced and difficult.

Sometimes that OP has even had the foresight and openness to include personal detail about what they perceive as their faults.

They are coming on here and including this, because in theory the question being asked is a nuanced one - am I being unreasonable?

Instead, that detail is seized upon as a tool to beat them with, a reminder of their own perceived failings, and like you said, a pathway to extreme vilification.

And the justification? "It's AIBU...you get a kicking here, if you didn't want it, don't post here."

Ridiculous.

This kind of mean attitude is literally stifling debate on here, but hey - we' won't stop hearing about how "tough" you need to be to come on here and ask a question.

Definitely not being unreasonable it's happening more and more and quite sad to see!

@Cassilis

Couldn't agree more, but weirdly I've noticed on AIBU threads with vulnerable women, that there is a glut of people who are keen to verbally abuse that woman.

Not offer critical advice.

Not steer them in the direction of support.

Just verbal abuse for being "weak", or "not understanding their needs", or all manner of goading etc

Extraordinary.

I don't think all of the abusive posters are women or here in good faith.

@Inebriati women can be abusive too though. Whether they’re women or not is irrelevant here.

I absolutely agree. Yesterday’s shitstorm what not the first time this has happened.

There are real people posting who are in frightening and vulnerable situations.

Their life is not a bloody soap opera for our entertainment.

@Inebriati Some of them definitely are. And some of them are regulars on Mumsnet with unchanged usernames.

YANBU OP. The abuse meted out to women in abusive relationships get on this site is disgusting and runs contrary to best practice when dealing with this sort of situation.

I wish MNHQ would do something, but apparently it's more important that members be allowed to pile on to an already vulnerable member of this community.

And while I absolutely agree that not everyone is here in good faith, I think that it is the abusers who need to be called on their actions, otherwise you just give out the message that you’re likely to be ripped apart if you go for serious advice on mn, so it’s better to just go there to vent your frustrations and get into an online ruck with whoever seems the best bate for today..... Is that the reputation people want the site to have?

Totally agree!

Far too many posters who have no ability to see the difference between sympathy and empathy, or to have an awareness of life being complicated, people being fallible and mistakes being opportunities for learning.

It’s all “i’m Alright, I never make mistakes, those that are less privileged than me obviously deserved it”

Meaness and an enjoying of the pile on.

Oh for some kindness and empathy

Agreed OP.

AIBU has its place- light hearted threads, or where the OP needs a bit of a boost to stand up for themselves in an awkward situation. Obviously, parking threads also.

But far too many people use it as an excuse to stick the boot in. Really disheartening to see, especially when the OP just needs a bit of support, or if they’ve acquiesced that they’ve been a bit unreasonable already.

YANBU YANBU YANBU I cannot understand why some people comment very unkind things for no reason. I find it so odd and disheartening, why would you want to just be nasty to somebody

I mentioned it once on a previous thread under a diff name and said surely these people wouldn’t say anything like this in real life. Someone replied to me saying something along the lines of that’s the point of Mumsnet, it’s not real life so you can say what you want. I don’t think that should include being vile to people who need support for no reason whatsoever

Yanbu - I totally agree

Are you proposing that mnhq censor & delete more posts?

Yanbu.
MN, for me, has become much like Facebook in that, I come on here out of habit but I absolutely hate it and I believe it to be full of arseholes! I saw that thread yesterday and I was appalled. Poor woman!

@AlternativePerspective this Google search threw up a previous thread on this subject, and makes for some interesting reading.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3440736-to-hate-what-aibu-has-turned-in-to

For example:

"Don’t get too invested in the plights of some ‘victims’ on here. Many are exaggerating or just plain lying."

"It’s no place for the sensitive of souls."

"YABU. Women don't have to be 'nice'."

"Hey op, Netmums is that way >>>>>>>>>>>>"

YANBU. People post on AIBU “for traffic”, but don’t get constructive advice or support because of the kind of poster who hangs out there, and think the topic gives them carte blanche to behave in a way they (hopefully!) wouldn’t dream of in real life.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

“Their life is not a bloody soap opera for our entertainment”

Exactly. I’ve not been around here for long so my opinion isn’t as valid but this board reminds me of a hybrid of being bullied at an all girls secondary school and mean girls. People love to get whipped up creating drama so that a few pages into a thread there’s this herd mentality of piling on a poster and the whole thread has been derailed (or OP posts deliberately misread or misconstrued) to facilitate the continuous disapproving in line with people’s prejudices about the OP’s situation.

Which thread was it?

I wasn't talking about all the bad faith posters, but still I knew someone would react to my post with 'women do it too'.
I'll leave you to it.

Are you proposing that mnhq censor & delete more posts? no, I’m proposing that MN hq make it very clear that the AIBU board is not a fight club. Actually ideally I would like to see them remove the AIBU board altogether on the basis that it is bringing down the whole tone of the site, after all, the person who abuses someone on AIBU isn’t suddenly going to start being supportive because a thread is posted elsewhere.

But given that’s unlikely to happen I think that there needs to be a much more hard line approach and to make it very clear that this is not what the site is about.

Ultimately AIBU isn’t actually about whether someone is unreasonable enough anyway. People post here deliberately “for traffic,” but then that just attracts the wrong tone to them from the outset. If AIBU didn’t exist then we A, would get less of the justification for the levels of abuse and personal attacks, and B, people would post in more relevant discussions and hopefully the forum would get back to what it was intended for in the first place.

Yanbu.
This site is becoming more and more depressing and I’m doing my best to get off it! There are so many posters just ready to jump on the OP for the smallest thing. It’s sad and disheartening.