To say that AIBU is not a green light to say what you want and is giving out the message that MN is no longer a place to come for support?

[AlternativePerspective]

More and more threads are being moved out of AIBU to other parts of the site because of the pasting the OP is getting on AIBU.

More and more I see posts from people saying that “if you didn’t want blunt answers you shouldn’t have posted in AIBU.

And yesterday, the ultimate, a thread where an OP needed genuine support having just realised she was in an abusive relationship being absolutely vilified on here, the thread was moved to relationships where the vilification continued to the point that the OP left the thread, and then the thread was deleted because it wasn’t in the spirit of the site. Is it any wonder that people feel they can’t admit to being abused when this is the kind of response they receive?

Yes, there are sometimes threads where an OP could be bluntly told that they are unreasonable, however there are threads where this is absolutely not appropriate, and a thread in AIBU doesn’t mean that this is a green light to wade in with your judgements and opinions and use whatever form of bullying you want to put your point across, sometimes to the detriment of the OP’s feelings.

I am generally of the view that if people are volatile then perhaps the net isn’t the best place to find support, however, many people do come here for support and mn has previously had a good reputation for being supportive in the face of domestic abuse. I no longer believe this to be the case.

I realise that AIBU is a good revenue generator for MN, however it is absolutely making mn look more like a fight club than anything else, and perhaps it’s time for *@mnhq@ to rethink this one?

I also hid my thread as needed a break from it but was alerted to the number of posts by email.

I’m not sure but I think there is a possibility that someone upthread is referring to me.

I also did not want my thread deleted or blocked because I am quite capable of calling out abuse when my mood is not low. however I think sometimes it is in MN interest to delete the threads because it is turning into a Jeremy Kyle situation and they are removing the proof!

@greenberet so sorry for what you have been going through both in RL and on here.

I think what annoys me most about the responses on here is this narrative that “well, i have been there, therefore I know and you need to listen to me because I’m right.” And then when the poster doesn’t automatically say that they’re packing the bloke’s stuff up as the thread continues the abuse gets worse and worse.

But ironically I’ve seen threads where an OP posts that they’re in a difficult situation and by the end of page1 they’re packing and leaving, and those posts are almost always accused of trolling.

Ultimately posters can’t have it both ways. Yes, it might be frustrating if a poster doesn’t see the situation they’re in, but that’s not anyone else’s issue to deal with. If you don’t like that people don’t jump to follow your advice then don’t give any.

I’ve seen it elsewhere as well, a poster saying that they’re worried their partner has a good friend of the opposite sex and the immediate response is “he’s having an affair, be it physical or emotional, get out now.” And when the OP is still not sure the posts ramp up until the other posters have themselves worked up into a frenzy.

How you can help

Listen to her, try to understand and take care not to blame her. Tell her that she is not alone and that there are many women like her in the same situation.Acknowledge that it takes strength to trust someone enough to talk to them about experiencing abuse. Give her time to talk, but don’t push her to go into too much detail if she doesn’t want to.
Acknowledge that she is in a frightening and very difficult situation.Tell her that no one deserves to be threatened or beaten, despite what her abuser has told her. Nothing she can do or say can justify the abuser’s behaviour.Support her as a friend. Encourage her to express her feelings, whatever they are.
Allow her to make her own decisions. Don’t tell her to leave the relationship if she is not ready to do this. This is her decision.
Be ready to provide information on organisations that offer help to abused women and their children. Explore the available options with her. Tell her about the National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) on 0808 2000 247, and how to access this website.
Plan safe strategies for leaving an abusive relationship.Let her create her own boundaries of what she thinks is safe and what is not safe; don’t urge her to follow any strategies that she expresses doubt about.

^Froms WA website.

I am often concerned by the immediate and common "LTB NOW". Obviously there are cases when that is the best advice, but gosh. Some people would break up marriage over a sneeze during dinner because "obviously he is narcissistic pig who sneezed on purpose to assert that he is allergic to your in his opinion disgusting cooking, you and wants to murder you in your sleep".

I had a thread of 1000 posts full of disablism , with people saying that excluding disabled child was absolutely their children’s right to do , in the guise of sympathetic pragmatism. Despite MNHQ stepping in and asking people to stop the disablism and consider the feelings of the posters on the thread that we’re parents of children with disabilities, the thoughtless, unkind and frankly prejudice posts continued until the thread filled up. It was utterly disgusting and as the OP , it has had a very negative effect on my mental health.

I despair of this forum some days. Full of privileged judgemental in empathetic unkind people, with holier than thou black and white attitudes.

I’ve posted here for nearly 12 years and AIBU used to be an excellent place for straight talking but compassionate advice. No longer. It depresses me, and I can’t help but see it as symptomatic of the political
Changes over the last decade. Right wing attitudes are prevalent, the general attitude seems to be “i’m Alright, anyone who isn’t deserved it”

I am often concerned by the immediate and common "LTB NOW". Obviously there are cases when that is the best advice, but gosh. Some people would break up marriage over a sneeze during dinner because "obviously he is narcissistic pig who sneezed on purpose to assert that he is allergic to your in his opinion disgusting cooking, you and wants to murder you in your sleep".

Haha YES - I once saw an OP who complained that her husband slept too much, and sure enough someone accused the husband of being controlling because OP couldn't do loud chores while he was sleeping.....

Apparently now anyone who asks their partner to keep the noise down while they lie in is abusive. I guess farting in the same room as someone else must be abusive too, or not doing the dishes.

I guess farting in the same room as someone else must be abusive too, or not doing the dishes.
I am fucked then. I guess I should tell DH to LTB...

Some could be American.

Oh noes! Americans! 😅

really sad

Ginger, yes, maybe symptomatic of a bigger problem . An example would be the sahm debate. There have been viscious and incredibly sexist attacks there. So much so, I've found it hard to believe it's all coming from women.

I also think that, with the rise in reality tv, using real people as fodder for entertainment normalises the abuse.

And there is still the notion that the Internet is not real life and comments to the tune of 'if you don't like it, don't read it' are still commonplace but people fail to realise, inc mumsnet, that cyberbullying is actually a crime and having a forum dedicated to that , albeit in a covert way, is riskier than it was 10 years ago.

I believe there is also an element of mental health in this with people using forums in an unhealthy way to vent frustrations they feel they couldn't in real life.

Rip aibu, it's time to go

I gave a flippant answer above to the ludicrous idea that "Americans" were somehow at fault for the tone on AIBU. But on a serious note, the attitudes on MN nowadays are often appalling. Racism and disablism are rampant, and only the most egregious posts/threads are removed. Gingerginger2 mentioned the thread she started recently. That thread is a prime example of the shockingly casual disablism that some MNers routinely express. It was an important issue, and I'm glad that gingerginger2 posted about it so eloquently. But some of the responses she received were horrendous.

I did not see the thread that the OP refers to. But on MN in general there seems to be a marked inability of some MNers to respond with anything other than self-centered nastiness.

I’m surprised that the chief culprits are quiet!

I'm not sure if it was on AIBU or not but yesterday was the first time I felt disgusted at a thread (the one where people were mocking the "huns" from netmums). It was vile.

I'm not

Yabu. The problem is posters automatically going to aibu instead of, let's say, the relationships board. Aibu is, and always has been, a nest of vipers. I'd be very sorry to see it changed just because some posters are foolish enough to post in the wrong forum .

Another problem is posters going on aibu thinking that they're going to get automatic support on their issue, and will argue for ever with posters who disagree with them, seemingly finding it incomprehensible that anyone would think they were wrong. ...and then go down the calling other posters racist/agist/disabelist or whatever.

Post on the appropriate forum. Simple. (And don't expect posters to agree with you, you could be wrong)

Another problem is posters going on aibu thinking that they're going to get automatic support on their issue, and will argue for ever with posters who disagree with them, seemingly finding it incomprehensible that anyone would think they were wrong
Every single day.

OP- AIBU?
MN - Yes because...
OP - no I'm not because (irrelevant info here)
MN - still YABU
OP 7 pages in - massive drip feed that either contains crucial information or some over hyped tiny detail that's not that relevant
OP 9 pages in - I knew I should never have come on MN for support because clearly it's a horrible place. I hope you all feel good about your perfect lives. flounces

What is more, the abuse is not even 'clever;, funny or scathingly witty. It is just, to put it mildly, 'gobshite'.

I know there is no place for nastiness and bullying online or off line. However, the people who have been engaging in this recently just show themselves up.

That's about it lola. Some posters really don't like to be told that they're wrong.

Simple answer ballacre. Report the posts

I agree with OP and several others expressing concern about AIBU being a blood sport for some PPs who misuse it as a chance to be unpleasant bullies, pick on irrelevant details to misrepresent what has been said, and abusive name calling to both OP or any other PP that they differ from. Aibu used to be about a sounding board to get different perspectives and help someone reflect on their situation.

It worries me (as a professional in a supportive field which involves abuse including domestic abuse) to see this deterioration and how little MNHQ do about it even when those posts are reported, as many are left up.

I worry that some of the PPs writing those nasty personal attacks to OP or other PPs are domestic abusers themselves, (emotional or maybe more), who are relishing it. I don't think AIBU is a safe space and those that say 'what do you expect, it's aibu?', are part of the problem for condoning it.

AIBU is vicious. A bit like cats with claws. I do think it's unwise for anybody to post in AIBU if they feel 'delicate' and are not prepared to be trolled and ridiculed

Gone2far, on my thread the disablist/unkind posts were reported by many, and nuns net intervened asking for posters to stop being prejudiced and be mindful that they were talking to real life parents of disabled children.

This was followed by the same posters shrugging their shoulders saying “MNHQ’s intervention is a bit weird eh?” And carrying on as before, filling the thread up entirely. When I got upset about the continuing stereotyping of disabled children and insensitive posts against myself and other posters who had disabled children, I was told that my bitter angry attitude would likely be harming my children and other delightful things.

It worries me (as a professional in a supportive field which involves abuse including domestic abuse) to see this deterioration and how little MNHQ do about it even when those posts are reported, as many are left up.

Me too.

I agree.
Some posts ads absolutely shocking and some comments savage!!!

When I did not know this I commented on a thread that asked about having kids and how they had changed your life .. I commented about my experience and how I felt personally.. And omg I got absolutely dragged and ripped to pieces!!!!
Which I didn't understand at the time because I had never ever experienced this on a parenting site ever!? It was my own life and personal feelings towards myself having my kids.... like the OP had asked for and I was jumped on for it with so much negativity. It was horrible after some back and forth I just left the thread and left them to it.

I also see alot of sly digs that aren't needed- for instance a post yest a woman said she lived a part from her partner and carried on her AIBU that was about something else and there was women guessing and assuming he was in jail and it was weird and they couldn't live like that etc.... when it had 0 to do with her question.

Tbh, I know I would never ask for advice on here because so much (probably even this comment now ..rip roozy lol) is twisted and ripped apart with pure negativity.

It's sad. Very sad. It's like No one can have even a debate without it getting nasty or an opinion without you being "wrong".