To say that AIBU is not a green light to say what you want and is giving out the message that MN is no longer a place to come for support?

[AlternativePerspective]

More and more threads are being moved out of AIBU to other parts of the site because of the pasting the OP is getting on AIBU.

More and more I see posts from people saying that “if you didn’t want blunt answers you shouldn’t have posted in AIBU.

And yesterday, the ultimate, a thread where an OP needed genuine support having just realised she was in an abusive relationship being absolutely vilified on here, the thread was moved to relationships where the vilification continued to the point that the OP left the thread, and then the thread was deleted because it wasn’t in the spirit of the site. Is it any wonder that people feel they can’t admit to being abused when this is the kind of response they receive?

Yes, there are sometimes threads where an OP could be bluntly told that they are unreasonable, however there are threads where this is absolutely not appropriate, and a thread in AIBU doesn’t mean that this is a green light to wade in with your judgements and opinions and use whatever form of bullying you want to put your point across, sometimes to the detriment of the OP’s feelings.

I am generally of the view that if people are volatile then perhaps the net isn’t the best place to find support, however, many people do come here for support and mn has previously had a good reputation for being supportive in the face of domestic abuse. I no longer believe this to be the case.

I realise that AIBU is a good revenue generator for MN, however it is absolutely making mn look more like a fight club than anything else, and perhaps it’s time for *@mnhq@ to rethink this one?

Have to agree with you OP.

I joined MN around 15yrs ago, and back then there seemed to be more posters with genuine advice. It had seemed even if they said YABU, they would then tell you why and give you advice without being as venomous as they are nowadays. Over time, I saw so much bullying and kicking and meanness, I hardly come on here.

There is no doubt that AIBU has the most traffic and I realise that people who may have a question that needs to be resolved within a day or few may come on here to ask their question, but it seems most of the time they will not get a helpful answer, just a kicking.

More than anything though, I hate the fact that those same vile individuals from AIBU have now sipped to other forums like Education, Mental or Emotional Health etc. and are being vile to people who are asking fact related questions or are clearly vulnerable. It's as if they are not getting their kicks enough on AIBU, they have to go to the tamer forums, some can't even help themselves and start the answer with YABU, when the poster did not ask that.

It works on Reddit.

Yabbers

Racism definitely exists in both countries but aggressive behaviour is not a natural British trait from what I have seen and I've been here a while now. Lots of posters on AIBU are unnaturally aggressive and like to provoke fights. Like you.

I have no idea but I am guessing Reddit is a vastly different site to MN.

yanbu op. I considered starting a thread on this theme the other day... but I don't have a thick enough skin to start any thread on aibu.

it's not just this board though. it's all through mumsnet and anywhere online.

I agree with @Zakana

I can’t get my head around the fact that some people just cannot help themselves and just want to be unpleasant and spiteful, no matter what the topic is......one thing my dear old mum used to say to me “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything”

I actually said this very thing on a thread the other day. and on another said lots of poster seem to no empathy or insight that people are different.

also agree that there is a big difference in giving critical advice when needed or having a different point of view and just being vile. it is possible to do the former without being nasty. especially when someone is vunerable and looking for help. one of the threads I mention above the op said she was having suicidal thoughts and many many posters just seemed to want to beat her down further by telling her it was her own fault her life was tough
maybe it makes them feel better about their own life.

I don't know what the solution is. calling out the nasty posters more might work. or it might just give them more attention that they're looking for.

Sparklingbrook

Why does it bother you if someone deletes their own thread? Surely, people will learn that abusing someone leads to nothing and civil threads will stay undeleted which would be better to the mental health of the users of this forum.

It doesn’t bother me @Lowcarblady If MNHQ want to introduce that facility then fine.

But if people are deleting their own threads because they are getting perfectly reasonable replies but not the ones they want it could get quite irritating.

Yes, I never got that argument - "Don't delete it because I've invested time in replying, you're just leaving because you didn't get the advice you wanted!"

WELL DUH

1. Investments can go down as well as up. You might buy a house and then it catches fire. The fact you wrote a reply doesn't entitle someone else to be bullied.

2. In real life, if a bunch of arseholes were standing on the pavement shouting abuse at you, would you carry on standing there and take it? No, you would walk away.

People should definitely be allowed to delete their own threads, just like every other internet forum (TheStudentRoom is another example)

I agree that people would feel better if they could delete a thread that was turning abusive and nasty instead of fretting and getting upset waiting for mnhq to delete it.
Which in fairness to them they do if the thread is particularly horrible but not before the OP is probably very upset.

Hide thread is a very useful option.

YANBU!

I feel the same and the thread you refer to yesterday was just disgusting.

I think AIBU needs closer moderation and the repeat offenders should be told when they’re out of line.

Couldn’t agree more. Mumsnet is a place many turn when they have no one in there everyday life to talk to. People have no idea on what mental/emotional state they find these people but are hugely callous.

Sparklingbrook

There are ways to disagree on topics and not abuse the individual. There are lots of discussions on Reddit so the site hasn't collapsed just because people can delete posts and threads themselves.

But if people are deleting their own threads because they are getting perfectly reasonable replies but not the ones they want it could get quite irritating.

But it's THEIR thread, and replies you think are reasonable, might be really upsetting them.

I once posted about a friend who was being abused by their girlfriend and all the replies were along the lines of "Yeah right, I don't believe him, I'd love to hear HER side of the story, I bet he's the abusive one". i thought it was disgusting and asked for it to be deleted. I don't want shit like that up on the internet for vulnerable people to see, especially if I started it.

Allowing people to delete their own threads is a good idea too

I don’t know why MN has to always be compared to other sites?
It’s MN. If you have an idea that you think will work tell MNHQ.
Ask for this to be moved to Site Stuff?

Hide thread doesn't work for people's mental well being. It would be like having a bunch of people you can't block abusing you on social media, but just telling the person to not look. I'm sure we have heard of many people dying due to similar cases of cyber bullying. It's not as simple as to say "don't look". Plus MNHQ may not delete it, because the mod doesn't agree, and the responses are borderline but if the OP has a mental health issue, it still does the same damage.

Hide thread is a useless function. I still know it's THERE, gaining more and more venom, and can't help looking.

Well, Christ, somehow I knew this was the fault of the AMERICANS.
Lmao, I’ve lived in the US for over thirty years, I guarantee you, Americans have many more interests than trying to cause trouble on a British parenting site😂

I think, though, it could be the Russians..

Whether the thread is deleted or hidden it still happened.

I agree with you OP.
Some people claim that they are ' saying things as they are' . However it comes across as bullying it just plain right nasty.
You know damm well these people wouldn't say an6of the sort if they met a vulnerable poster face to face.
After 14 years of MN I'm beginning to get weary of MN.
A lot of posts are either nasty as mentioned or wishy washy where I just want to say ' can't you think for yourself?'
I keep coming back for now because MN is a time killer when I'm at work and it's quiet but it's not as fun as it used to be.
One post yesterday had as many deletions there wasn't much to read.

SecretWitch

Well, I'm a dual citizen of both countries. Whether you want to agree or not, personalities are different, the culture is different. I'm just saying AIBU doesn't feel British to me. If that bugs other Americans then oh well, and yes, many Americans have better things to do, but last I checked there are plenty of Americans who love trolling and 4chan.

@Usernamewillautodestrustin couldn’t agree more! Well said.

I think sometimes people post trying to 'help someone see' that they are being abused for example - like the thread yesterday - and then get frustrated when the OP refuses to believe it or can't see how the overall situation is affecting others.

I realise that if you're in that kind of relationship for example that it must be so hard but I can also understand posters frustrations. There is, however, no call for posters to be abusive with their 'advice.'

It’s not just on AIBU that this is happening - it’s happening in relationships and I have been subject to this more than once.

I first posted on MN 4/5 years ago when my marriage was in trouble and have continued to post as the abuse continues. I didn’t know my marriage was abusive until it ended. I came to MN through style & beauty.

I post for several reasons to clear my head, document what I’m feeling, and hopefully it may help someone else.

I have had threads deleted to “protect my MH”, I’ve had my account suspended for 30 days apparently for my own well being and my latest thread “blocked to new posts”.

I have been accused of posting under two separate identities because nobody else could believe that what I am posting about is real and that therefore the other supporter must also be me - I am posting about a continually abusive relationship.

The posts have all been from other woman who claim they have also been abused - but have moved on - yet their posts have been so nasty that they are ‘abusive’. Reading the post where I was accused of being two people and then half a dozen agreeing left me physically shaking just like the communication I had with X.

MN could easily have acted to confirm that I was not posting twice ( I asked them to) which would have called out the “bully” on this thread and those supporting her. Instead they blocked it which left me feeling undermined and I’m sure gave the bully a sense of achievement as all the really nasty comments were deleted.

I was posting about coercive control and covert abuse - something that needs to be more out in the open. It’s bad enough that women are facing this without coming on here for support and getting more of the same.

I am not sure if I will be brave enough to post about any further situations even though I could do with support.

I likened my experience to fox hunting - I’m the fox being chased by the dogs with MN the hunters enjoying the sport!

I am no longer sure of MN’s motive - in a time when there is less RL support due to cutbacks etc - places like these are more valuable. I can well belief that someone will harm themselves as a result of being bullied on here - It could quite easily have been me.

I believe MN is more motivated now by money than as a support place to women which is what happens when people become greedy!