To ask if your parents were high earners if you felt you missed out on anything?

[cardamoncoffee]

Last night I dropped dc off to his friend's house. Think Kevin McCloud's wet dream of a home; glass walls, on the sea, extremely minimal show house type of place. I know the boy vaguely; very polite, humble, privately educated as are his siblings. Three top of the range cars on the driveway (the boy just got a brand new car for his 17th) I did a bit of googling and both parents are hospital consultants and do a lot of private work too.

I work quite PT as one of the dc has ASD and very much needs me with him and suitable childcare was not an option. We will never be on the property ladder, although we rent a house which is falling to bits in a naice area and due to being budget savvy we go on holiday every year. I am aware that I have nothing to complain about, BUT, I couldn't help feeling really sad about how my ds kept going on about their home, the amazing style, the built in vacuum system and other stuff.

I work with disadvantaged children so my sadness is not logical or justified, just feel a bit crap that my ds is looking at another family as the perfect example (and they really do seem perfect!) My parents split up when I was young and my DM had to work long hours and it made me always want to be a SAHM because i felt I missed out on time with her.

My rambling AIBU is NOT about working parents, but parents who were high relatively high earners. Did you feel that although you had material things that you missed out on anything? Would you rather have had more time with your parents?

I'm not a high high earner but combined we hit 90k. Not sure what you class as high earner. But, one thing my job also gives me is flexibility. I can work from home. I can make key appointments. I get generous holiday leave. It can be more than just about salary. You are making a presumption that higher earning means less time with kids. It doesn't necessarily.

I think it all comes down to each family and family dynamic.

My parents were broke and also emotionally unavailable so money doesn’t mean much.

Two of my aunts are rich and I have worked with many rich families.

Aunt 1 is loaded think multiple houses and sports cars, she was a pretty strict mum (definitely not the aunt me or my siblings wanted to holiday at when little) and has taught my cousins good work ethics and that there money is their money and that my cousins aren’t entitled to anything. They have had great holidays and cars paid when getting their driving license (but think running and functional not a Porsche). The downside is that they barely see my uncle. He was a marine and was on submarine missions for a long time and now works on petrol platforms so is there for a month and gone in Africa for a month so they have mostly grown up without him.

Aunt 2 is similarly loaded but both parents are there every night and the kid has a lot of family time. He is super spoiled though and know no rules and I fear what he might turn into in the future quite frankly. But he definitely isn’t missing on material stuff or love.

Family 1: Very loving family, kids are a bit spoiled but still have structure and while the dad is often away for work purposes he actually spend more time with his kids as a lot of dad who commute locally but work extremely long hours.

Family 2: rich from family money and it shows. The parents are used to live off other people’s money and have never learned to fend for themselves and it showed in quite a lot of aspects of their life and treatment of others. They have staff for absolutely everything, a cleaner coming 6 hours a day every day and then she
makes comments about houses in Europe not being as clean as hers, a nanny, an Au Pair, 2 drivers etc... Her children are absolutely spoiled and while the mum is often around she actually don’t do any of the actual care and just does the show off things at parties. Her kids are being taught certain skills (Piano, sports etc...) but you can tell it’s more about competitive parenting than anything else and very little life skills as the assumptions is that they will have staff too as adults.

Family 3: They have money but are terrible at budgeting it so it doesn’t show and you can definitely tell they weren’t prepared for parenting (despite the baby being from a surrogate and so a long thought out process) they have staff but have the staff do absolutely everything they don’t want to do and despite being home actually spend very little time with their baby. The baby is still loved and still have a lot of material stuff.

And I taught a little girl that would tell me our class was her favorite because she felt closer to me than her parents. Her parents were loaded but both worked so much that they had no time for her and she was an only child, so they would put her in activities ALL DAY LONG. She would go to school and the have Maths tutoring, followed by foreign language classes, gymnastic and roller blading. I would tutor her until 9pm Monday to Friday and was often asked to baby sit her on weekends. It really broke my heart to see that while this little girl had all the dolls and toys a little girl could want she couldn’t manage to have the one thing she wanted which was her parents time and attention.

It’s the only one I felt would have happily given a lot of her parents money away to have more of them. The rest have actually been pretty present, they just delegate a lot of the things they don’t want to do because they can afford it. So they can then have quality time and just the “fun” parts.

I know it’s not what you want to hear but I do think a kid is almost always better off with richer parents. Because while money won’t make up for lack of emotional availability and presence in one’s life, it does provide more opportunities and already put you up the ladder from the very beginning. While being broke doesn’t guarantee better or more present parents but definitely guarantees you less opportunities in life.

greentheme23 that's about where we are, I don't think that's what the op means by high earners. Hospital consultants earn about that each for full time NHS work, plus the couple the OP is talking about are earning enough from private practice to have set up a limited company to tax avoid minimise tax. That's probably over 250k per year between them, not 90k, given all she's said.

Full time hospital consultants doing significant amounts private work on top may have some flexibility to swap or dictate which lists or shifts they'll do, but they are highly unlikely to be working from home or spending a lot of time with their children.

It depends though doesn't it. One of my managers at work is on around £140k a year, but they work the same hours as everyone else in the company, so have the opportunity to spend as much time with their children as someone who works min wage with us. Others will have one or both parents working long hours, but if you have a niche you can earn a lot of money £100k plus working as a consultant in say, IT, again, often working standard hours a week. As others have said it sounds like your son was amazed by the house, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love your house and feels he is missing out, it just means he saw a cool house. I'll be honest though, my parents always struggled with money, they are amazing and we had a fantastic childhood, but the stress was something I didn't want to go through, so I went to uni so my children wouldn't feel the same. But every situation is different, and it sounds like you are a wonderful mum, and if they are good friends please don't ruin it for them by jealousy. There is no need.

DM had to work long hours and it made me always want to be a SAHM because i felt I missed out on time with her.

She probably didn't want to be working ridiculous hours either, but presumably needed to to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table.

I missed out on learning how to manage money.
My parents are also anxious perfectionists which has deeply affected me.
I got to live in a lovely house and go on lots of amazing trips.
But all families are different. It's normal to compare but I agree with another poster...there's a great deal to be found in 'good enough'.

So you’re equating high earners with “no time for their kids”

Someone could work 70 hours a week doing two cleaning jobs and not see their kids.

I grew up with a stay at home dad and a mum who ran her own extremely successful business who worked part time as a lifestyle choice.

I was privately educated as were my siblings, ski holidays, Disney holidays, horse riding lessons etc AND masses of time with both parents.

Don’t put other people down because you’re jealous. Worry about your own earnings and family set up.

Ona If you read my posts you will see how you are quoting things that I haven't said. I have never equated high earners with no time for their children, posters are assuming that is what I mean and I have addressed that early on.

Also Ona I'm not putting anyone down, if you've read my posts I've said that I am in awe of this family, they really do seem as close to perfect as you can get. I've also said that whilst they have a lovely lifestyle outwardly, I'm far too lazy to put in the hours that they must do, so again not jealous.

I haven't RTFT OP but I grew up in an affluent household with both my parents working long hours.
I remember very clearly never seeing my parents, being shoved from pillar to post childcare wise, never knowing who was collecting me from school, having a succession of nannies. Having a big house meant we were never all in same room.
I didn't enjoy it so haven't been money focused myself. (But am starting to regret it TBH)

My parents fortunes swung from one extreme to the other which means I experienced both wealth and poverty. I saw my parents more when we were wealthy and they weren't struggling to keep the roof over our heads.

Dh and I are wealthy, both in senior roles involving long hours and international travel. While we could work all the hours and never see the dcs, we consciously have red lines (we never miss sports days, parents evening, school plays, competitions etc) as well as fixed family time each week (eg family TV night or games night etc). I also take chunks of time off to be with the dcs. We have a full time housekeeper and part time cleaner so our time at home is spent with the dcs rather than doing chores.

On material things, they have everything sensible they need and want. We are very generous with them but also strict. So while we wouldn't miss the money if we got her an iPhone X, we have told dd she's getting a £20 Nokia phone when she goes to senior school.

With wealthy grandparents on both sides plus wealthy parents they do live in a bubble so it's important to us that they grow up with the right morals and values, dont judge people (while knowing they will themselves be judged) but equally they are a good judge of people.

Hi OP. I was not the child of high earners, quite the opposite. I grew up in a one parent family on benefits for most of my childhood. We qualified for free school meals. Looking back I think there was some neglect, though not much. But I went on to uni and ended up with two kids of my own in a high earner household and we do a lot of middle class things for them that are typical of highly privileged childhoods but I wonder about some of it sometimes. I think they miss out on some of the things I really value from my childhood, though some of it may be generational and I'm not sure it's just about wealth.

The biggest thing they really miss out on is a strong connection within their local community. Partly, this is because we have moved around to
get good jobs and are living in communities that have been gentrified over the decades and lost a lot of their local connections. and it's partly because they go to private schools and there's only one child from their school that lives within walking distance of our house. So they can't just go out and play and find at least a few of their friends at one fo the local playgrounds. They can't walk to school on their own. They can't call around to a friends house to see if they're available. They can't even call up and check if it's OK and bike over. Some of that will change in a few years as they get older, but right now, at the age of 10, they don't have nearly as many options for playing face to face with friends without parents making arrangements and facilitating. This is a big contrast to my own life where we used to be in and out of friends houses (and they ours)all the time. Turn up at the park on a weekend afternoon to find other kids ready to play, wander off and have adventures in the woods, etc. Parents would barely be involved and that sense of agency and the competency it developed were a source of happiness and, I think a strong bedrock for sound mental health. I see my own kids as much more anxious than I ever was and it concerns me.

My kids get music and language lessons and most research suggest that is likely to be good for them, but I also see it adding to stress in their lives. We're pretty concerned about how well they do in school and we emphasize it a fair amount while trying not to pressure them too much. I'm not sure we have the balance right, though. (This hasn't been helped by their first experiences of school in a UK state school being very focused on SATs at the age of 6 before we pulled them out and went private. So it might not be different for poorer kids).

And I'm concerned that if they don't manage to get such good jobs as we managed they're going to find it hard to feel happy in less lavish lifestyles. We've started pulling back a fair bit because of this and started to put more emphasis on time together. But the reality is, we have the relaxed lifestyles we do because we have the money to afford a good-sized house a short commute from well paying jobs. Instead of a 3 hour commute we have 30 mins. Instead of being at the beck and call of others we can control our own schedules. These aspects of being at the top of the career ladder are nearly as big a perk as the high salaries. I don't know if either of kids will be in that sort of a position when they finally fly the nest.

I think there are things they get out of us being well off. They've had lots of different experiences, they're well travelled and well read. They get lots of time with us. We can afford to address problems that arise. They aren't at risk of losing their housing or going hungry or having to cope with chaotic lifestyles because there isn't the money for stability. That sort of stuff that ends up catching some less well off households out causes a lot of stress for kids and can be the source of lower attainment and worse longterm outcomes. We also get to pass on privilege to our kids - private schooling, music and language lessons are all likely to help them get into better universities. Our contacts in industry are likely to help us get them internships (which we can afford to subsidize them taking) that will lead to better jobs.

I'm not pretending there aren't the advantages that research indicates favour better off families. But I do think my kids have less of some good things in their lives than I did as a poor kid growing up. And I wish I could give them some of that freedom and take away some of the anxiety they seem to have.

My parents were both relatively high earners and highly educated. I don't feel I missed out on much. They did work a lot but surely a lot of people do, whether they are high earners or not. I am now living a similar lifestyle, but it's what I know. I like having money to do things and I would hate sitting at home not working but with no cash.

I don’t feel that I ‘missed out’ on anything as such, but there have been a few downsides over the years (not saying that my problems are/were bigger than anyone else’s, just that they were different).

For context, my father worked very high up in finance, and my mother was a GP (though went part-time after having kids, so was never a huge earner by the standards of our social circle).

Mainly, I had a constant fear that my father would lose his job and my parents would have to pull us out of private school. And that there wouldn’t be any places available at the good state schools, so we’d end up at the awful school in the neighbouring town where there seemed to be a stabbing every over month. This happened to a few children at my school over the years, and it was something that used to keep me awake at night.

Also, as I didn’t choose a career as high-earning as either of my parents, I have had to adjust my expectations of what is ‘normal’.

My own kids haven’t had nearly as many opportunities as I had by their age (mid-teens). I’d visited every continent; they’ve only left Europe once.

Cardamon I'm just amazed that your DS noticed the built in vacuum system! A domestic appliance wouldn't register with my own 17 year old DS, even if it had a flashing sign saying 'hoover' on it.

As to your actual question, I think the situation of parents with high-powered careers is inherently precarious. It might work if there aren't many family problems to be weathered but something's got to give if, for some reason, the children are unexpectedly in need of extra support, and there's not enough slack in the system to cope.

Haven’t RTFT but I was the other way round.

My mum was a SAHM and I remember wishing she went to work. I was brought up in the 1980s at a time when most of my friends’ mums were going back to work and getting all the ‘perks’ such as the second car and the nice holidays. This, of course, was well before the days when having after school childcare was always considered necessary - children under 10 would be considered old enough to go home from school on their own and wait for an hour or so for a working parent to return home.

My mum may well have been a SAHM, but it doesn’t mean I got any more ‘quality’ time with her. She didn’t spend the hours we had together - particularly when I reached pre-school age - ‘interacting’ with me.