To ask if your parents were high earners if you felt you missed out on anything?

[cardamoncoffee]

Last night I dropped dc off to his friend's house. Think Kevin McCloud's wet dream of a home; glass walls, on the sea, extremely minimal show house type of place. I know the boy vaguely; very polite, humble, privately educated as are his siblings. Three top of the range cars on the driveway (the boy just got a brand new car for his 17th) I did a bit of googling and both parents are hospital consultants and do a lot of private work too.

I work quite PT as one of the dc has ASD and very much needs me with him and suitable childcare was not an option. We will never be on the property ladder, although we rent a house which is falling to bits in a naice area and due to being budget savvy we go on holiday every year. I am aware that I have nothing to complain about, BUT, I couldn't help feeling really sad about how my ds kept going on about their home, the amazing style, the built in vacuum system and other stuff.

I work with disadvantaged children so my sadness is not logical or justified, just feel a bit crap that my ds is looking at another family as the perfect example (and they really do seem perfect!) My parents split up when I was young and my DM had to work long hours and it made me always want to be a SAHM because i felt I missed out on time with her.

My rambling AIBU is NOT about working parents, but parents who were high relatively high earners. Did you feel that although you had material things that you missed out on anything? Would you rather have had more time with your parents?

P.S. I am the first doctor in my family. Of course it can run in families... but so can being a window cleaner.

Edna I honestly can't understand how. I need to surreptitiously get info from ds. The mother also has about a million papers published in her field. I feel accomplished if the bathroom floor gets mopped weekly daily

People mop their floors daily?!???
Wow

LaBelleSauvage please tell us how your parents were high earners on one part time income? If you wrote a book sharing that secret you'd be a high earner too...

I think a lot of people who "have it all" in terms of incredible wealth (not just being comfortable) have either inherited or made a killing selling a business (probably had zero time for their kids while actually building the business, which is usually an 80 hour a week deal) or on the stock market. Or one parent is doing an 80 hour week in the city/ working away and the other holds everything else together - which certainly has a price.

Nobody has it all.

I actually think trying is very damaging and makes people very unhappy. Someone is paying the price - if not the children one of the parents.

The secret is finding the sweet spot IMO, not making as much money as possible.

Anyone with children under 18 doing more than a 40 hour week is kidding themselves if they think it's in their children's best interest, unless they're at the opposite end of the scale and it's to keep a basic roof over their children's heads and food on their plates (I'd like to believe that this couldn't be necessary in the UK but sadly that's naive...)

My mother was a lecturer and father a property developer. He worked for himself. He was the higher earner.

He used a grant from university to buy his first property (a half ruined flat in a run down area) and did it up himself taking books on plumbing and electronics out of the university library and using material from scrap yards. He sold it well in his 3rd year of university and bought a bigger flat to do up. He continued to do this until he had many properties and didn't have to work those years when he had young children.

Your post sounds angry and bitter. Why do you feel so wronged by others' success? They worked for what they had. They didn't receive an inheritance. Before we were born in their early 20s after graduating they essentially camped out in these types of properties while doing them up. My mother did further study and got a good university fellowship. My dad continued with property.

My mum retired age 45 and my dad part time develops

I am a high earner, but I work more because I am a doctor.

My partner works 4 days a week (mostly, it varies) as a fund manager.

@LaBelleSauvage
Except it wasn't just your father's "hard graft" that got him where he was. His university grant got him on the property ladder.

LaBelleSauvage there's a financial element at play - 20% of schools produce 80% of medical school applications, 7% of children now go to private schools but 22% of medical school students went to private schools.

However at interview level the children of doctors have a much higher chance of admission to medical school than the children of non doctors. I've read 24% higher.

Medic begets medic.

Pretty sure my parents have never forgiven me for refusing to take physics - symbolically cutting myself off from a career in medicine at 14. I knew what I was doing.

It's not a good choice if you want to be a parent.

Have a look at this BMA article:

www.bma.org.uk/connecting-doctors/b/work/posts/the-price-our-children-pay

LaBelleSauvage my post wasn't bitter - it was disbelieving.

You only hear half the truth when someone posts a couple of lines claiming something highly unlikely.

I chose a low income job (childminder) so I could be with my children growing up. My DDs occasionally complained about not having the same ‘stuff’ as their friends, missing out on annual holidays abroad, bigger, cooler houses. I used to feel pretty guilty, questioning if I’d made the right decision. My DDs are now in their late teens/mid twenties and have both told me separately and without me ever asking, that they’re so glad they had the childhoods they had, they don’t care if we didn’t have the same lives as many of their friends and they really appreciate all the time we were able to be together when they were little. They remember the holidays visiting grandparents, ‘camping out’ in our family room, going to the ‘waterpark’ we made in our back garden (little pool, bubbles, etc), and reenacting cooking shows in the kitchen. We had lots of fun and they managed without all the pricey toys, loads of new clothes, expensive holidays, but got lots of time with mom (my DH worked out of town a lot!). I recall watching an episode of the kids TV show Arthur (don’t know if you get it in the UK), where the father of a modest income family is talking to his daughter’s wealthy friend. He said that there are some people with a lot of money who are happy, and equally, there are some people with less money who are equally happy. Don’t agonize over what you don’t have or the lives of others you perceive as perfect. It’s a mug’s game. Focus on what is good in your life.

I have a friend who has an amazing lifestyle. She's an author who writes at home and he lives on the dividends from his business he's no longer involved in. One young dc,both at home all day, working at their own pace in an enormous modern house. Two sets of devoted happy parents in a lovely home filled with all the gadgets you could wish for and designer furniture. I'm not jealous. I used to be. But then I learned how to channel any jealousy I felt to work hard in the things I want to achieve. I'm not as well of as them, but live in a nice 3 bed house in a lovely neighbourhood and my life is always interesting due to challenges I take on,and interests I have. So, just channel your feelings into trying to achieve something. Your son is OK. You might be providing something his friend wishes he had. You'll never find out though.

I had 2 reasonably high earning parents. My dad had the option of earning ALOT more (law) but chose not to as he could be home by 7ish most nights and didn't have to work weekends. We still had the big house, private school, holidays etc. Not super fancy but as an adult I see how privileged we were.

I appreciate now that he didn't take the really high earning option.

However, some of that was inherited wealth. Maternal grandfather also was professional and died young so wealth passes down. For a lot of people that is how you maintain a good lifestyle and a good work/life balance (bank of mum and dad), especially nowadays.

@EdnaAdaSmith

Lots of doctors I know work part time and have families so that's a silly thing to say You seem a little underinformed...

(Regarding the statement "It's not a good choice if you want to be a parent")

LaBelleSauvage perhaps the world has changed. I speak as the offspring of two hospital consultants not as a doctor myself. I'd never in a million years have applied to medical school based upon being the child of doctors and knowing that I wanted children - I wouldn't have married a doctor if he were the last man on earth, based on having a doctor for a father and babysitting for friends of my parents, two of who's wives spent half cut hours telling me about their lives and advising me never to marry a doctor...

Nobody becomes a hospital consultant in their 30s working part time. Seriously tell me it's a brave new world and you've done that?

I don't actually care myself about a lavish lifestyle, if I have enough to live and a bit extra that is enough.

If this were actually true you wouldn't be starting MN threads to encourage people to tell you that other people must be fucking up their kids just so that you can feel better.

NewAccount I think most parents have a higher bench mark for their children than they do for themselves in terms of standard of living? Maybe that's just me.... I think this thread has spoken wrt children of high earners leading very happy lives filled with opportunities. There's no need for you to share how you've messed up, thanks

Nope!

Great holidays, including enriching ones, think Cuba to learn about communism, skiing in Switzerland etc
I was moved from the local school to a private one as I was bored (skipped Y1 shortly after).
Private piano lessons at home.

The rented a part of our house to the company they were working for and this was my mum’s place of work so although she worked full time she was only a door away. Full time (lovely) housekeeper to look after us while she was working though. My dad was away most of the week but we talked on the phone everyday (he had one of the first mobile phones on the market, early 90s if I remember correctly).
They paid for Uni + a rental studio + spending money.

No negatives, sorry...

Cardamom I think you've been pretty balanced - just pondering, not pointing.

My father was a hospital consultant and my brother and I barely saw him. One reason I'm still potty about Christmas is because that's when we all went for a walk on Christmas morning when we were little (when we weren't visiting the wards). Otherwise, didn't really get a word from him from one week to the next, as even if he was around when we were still awake, he was mentally preparing for work and we didn't register.

Some posters have already said they understand that, and are proud of their parents for working so hard. One day I'll be that mature , but really, we just felt a bit unimportant and lonely. It used to freak me out at friend's houses if their father would speak to us - I never knew how to react.

I had high earning parents, I am a high earner myself, and so is my husband. Yes, most jobs that provide a high income require working a lot of hours. However, in many professional jobs (particularly if you are the one in charge), there is a lot of flexibility and you have the ability to outsource quite a lot. I work anywhere between 30 and 70 hours a week, and I have a lot of flexibility to work when and where it suits me. So does my husband. I work from home at least one day a week, but I have a full-time nanny between the hours of 8:30am and 5:30pm each day, so in between conference calls on my home days I get to see my small children quite a bit. I also rarely have a problem leaving the office at 4:00pm and focusing on my children until they go to sleep, at which point I fire up my laptop and catch up on anything urgent. I can afford to pay for a dog walker, gardener, and weekly housekeeper to do cleaning, laundry and errands. My point is that having two parents with full-on jobs that pay a high income doesn't necessarily mean that you have no time to see your children. I am also fully aware that I'm probably that mother who makes others feel bad, because I seem very organised and unflappable and manage to "do it all". Part of that is just my personality, but a lot of it is the fact that I'm very lucky to be able to pay for a lot of help (so it "all" gets done, but in no circumstances is it all done by me!). Any downtime that I have is spent with my family, which is a real luxury. I make it a point to be very candid about the fact that I don't do it all myself with other parents, because I know the illusion of those parents who seem to do it all with ease is actually very damaging. We are all doing our best!

I had a very high earning dad. He worked long hours, but did make plenty of time for us. The thing that I have found hard is that I grew up rather sheltered due to being able to afford nicer things, multiple holidays a year, living in a very nice area, never had to do anything for ourselves etc. Once we were adults, we were no longer supported by our parents and whilst my sibling married someone who earns more than my dad did, so can continue in that lifestyle, I didn't. The reality of life hit me hard, like everyone else, I had to start at the bottom, with no money, which was incredibly difficult given the lifestyle I was used to. I hadn't been taught the life skills to work hard and manage money, everything had been done for me and it took me until I had children in my late twenties to understand the benefit of hard work. I'm mid thirties now and still find it hard to accept that I have a lot less than others in my family. In my twenties I felt like a failure, at times I still do, but I'm slowly getting better at not comparing myself to them. Over the last 18 years my mental health has really suffered, although I'm happier now. I love my husband, children, home and job, but sometimes wish I could afford to take them on holiday just once, as they frequently see their cousins going on fabulous trips and doing things they can only dream of.

The down side is that between the long hours and the small kids DH and I have v little time for each other or for any hobbies or outlets. None whatsoever. Our marriage is strong because we recognise that the kids are the priority now but every time we switch off from work we are there with the kids. We know friends who have nannies on weekends to enable couple time (this has been mentioned up thread) but that’s not our style.

This was us at the stage you were at. We did try to get to the gym sometimes after the kids were in bed but we didn't go out much together, didn't go away together, and didn't really have hobbies. We basically found our time together when out doing family things- often with other families we were friendly with. It was actually a lot of fun and I look back fondly on those years. Once the children got to the later primary school years, we started up hobbies again - dh did his sport but included the children and managed the youth programme at our club for example. Now we go out together a lot and go on holidays away. I don't regret at all the years we didn't do that. We had 2 busy jobs and 3 children - they were the priority.

Your son is admiring a new tech advanced house

He isn't saying one is better or worse, you are.