To ask if your parents were high earners if you felt you missed out on anything?

[cardamoncoffee]

Last night I dropped dc off to his friend's house. Think Kevin McCloud's wet dream of a home; glass walls, on the sea, extremely minimal show house type of place. I know the boy vaguely; very polite, humble, privately educated as are his siblings. Three top of the range cars on the driveway (the boy just got a brand new car for his 17th) I did a bit of googling and both parents are hospital consultants and do a lot of private work too.

I work quite PT as one of the dc has ASD and very much needs me with him and suitable childcare was not an option. We will never be on the property ladder, although we rent a house which is falling to bits in a naice area and due to being budget savvy we go on holiday every year. I am aware that I have nothing to complain about, BUT, I couldn't help feeling really sad about how my ds kept going on about their home, the amazing style, the built in vacuum system and other stuff.

I work with disadvantaged children so my sadness is not logical or justified, just feel a bit crap that my ds is looking at another family as the perfect example (and they really do seem perfect!) My parents split up when I was young and my DM had to work long hours and it made me always want to be a SAHM because i felt I missed out on time with her.

My rambling AIBU is NOT about working parents, but parents who were high relatively high earners. Did you feel that although you had material things that you missed out on anything? Would you rather have had more time with your parents?

Just read this back and it looks as if I am conflating high earners with no time for children. That isn't what i meant, my real question is what was the price to pay (if anything?) for having a lovely lifestyle.

Surely the question should be “if your parents were low earners, do you feel you missed out on anything”?

Why are you looking for negatives in this family’s lives? They sound happy/normal.

You sound jealous and like you’re trying to justify your differences.

What?? So parents with a high income spend less time with their parents. On the flip side you could say, A child of parents with low income might feel they’re missing out because their parents spend the day in the pub! BOTH of these are sweeping generalizations of course!!!!

As long as a child is loved and nurtured and feels cared form surely it doesn’t matter what sort of house they live in ? Children in a high income home can feel just as much lived as children from a lower income home.

Your child is just amazed by the friend’s house because it’s new to him, the novelty will soon wear off. I’m sure he’s friends with this boy because he’s a nice person and his parents most likely are the same.

Yeah OP this is a bit weird. You're not looking for reassurance or to vent about your situation (which of course sounds perfectly normal and nice!) You're fishing for people to say they felt 'second best', neglected, lonely.

You are looking for comfort through criticism of others. Not cool.

TheCatsACunt the family are totally lovely, very down to earth and seem very happy/'normal'. I'm not jealous of them, I am a bit jealous that I can't provide that lifestyle for my dc though. I am very aware of how families of low earners may miss out as it is part of my job. That is why I'm asking the reverse. I did make it clear that my feelings aren't warranted or justified, but still do feel a bit sad

There is no price to pay for having a lovely lifestyle, we have a super lifestyle here - probably work longer hours than some but that’s ok. But we have the same worries as everyone else - various illnesses, aging parents, children’s worries and issues, etc.

Most high earning families I know have a SAHP/part time parent.

Dexy I don't think I'm asking for criticism of others, I'm asking if people who appeared to have a perfect life on the outside really did. Obviously no one has a perfect life, but what if anything would you have changed about your childhood?

My parents were high earners. DF was away mon-fri every week and we had a nanny who picked us up from school. We had all of the material things but I am adamant that I will be going part time when I have children as I want to be able to drop off/ pick up from school and host play dates (my nanny was friends with the school mums rather than my mum).

My parents were not massively high earners but probably a lot higher than most of my friends' parents.
My parents were separated throughout my entire childhood so I very rarely saw my dad (the higher earner of the two) and my mum worked full-time and put me in a nursery full-time, from 6 months old. When I started school I went to a childminders after school and became quite close to their family as was already good friends with my CM's daughter (we are still friends now and we are 40!)
So, despite being given a lot of material things ( I could pretty much have whatever I asked for within reason), I didn't see my mum or dad that much. Growing up it was normal for me so it didn't bother me. But, as an adult with two of my own DC, I feel sad that I didn't spend more time with my mum and dad as a child. I love them of course, but I am not close to them at all and have nothing in common with them so find it hard to be around them. I could try a lot harder to be honest.

I am not a high earner, more mid range. DP (DC's step dad) is a high earner, but he came from a fairly poor background so is very careful with his money and we do not spoil the DC financially, but we do give them as much attention as we can (ie I WFH in the hols as much as poss) and I tell them everyday I love them and cuddle them because I didn't get that as a child. I think that is far more important than providing 'things' and a spotless house that looks like a museum.

I know one family who missed out on the Dads presence as he worked away. However this could be true of low earners and military parents.

OP in the nicest way possible, you are being a bit ridiculous here (sorry). Your son is amazed by this house etc as it’s something shiny and new he hasn’t seen before. It’s no reflection on the probably lovely childhood you have given him.

I had lots of friends who were richer than me when I was teenager and I did sometimes feel a bit envious of some parts of their lives but equally I felt lucky to be included in those parts despite not having rich parents myself. My rich friends didn’t “suffer” for having rich parents and in any case you can have horrible rich parents or horrible poor parents, as well as lovely rich parents or lovely poor parents. In my experience level of wealth does not seem to be linked to how good or bad a parent you are or how happy your children are.

I empathise, my DS17, when he was younger early teens complained constantly about our small house, our lack of exotic holidays, his lack of designer wear etc. He went to private school but also competed in an extremely privileged sport where money is required big time. We are no way poor but we are also not in the league of his peers - think private jets, chauffers etc. Any how his friends who are all lovely are regularly round our tiny house (compared to their mansion's) . They think we are cool parents ( not sure why ) . And his friends are envious of his close relationship with us . He as also realised money is not what makes you happy, family is.

OP look if you genuinely want to know i probably had a childhood similar to what your son has now and i don't want the same for any kids I might have in future so we spend all of our energy now ploughing money into pensions, property in 'gentrifying' areas and trying to climb the greasy pole at work so we can be more like the family you describe in your OP and less like our own families growing up.

I suspect that's not what you wanted to hear but you did ask.

I strongly believe that above a certain minimum level there is absolutely no correlation between happiness and income. Either for adults or children. Other things are much more important - quality of relationships, health, freedom, sense of purpose etc. I don't think there are necessarily downsides to the high income lifestyle (in terms of a happy childhood), but I don't think there are necessarily benefits either.

Well if it helps I grew up fairly privileged & preferred sharing a room with my siblings instead of having my own (I had the choice) & even though we had holidays in 5* hotels or our holiday home some of my favourite holidays were when we stayed in a caravan (I thought it was so cool) & camping in the rain.
My mum was at home for at least a decade but we still had au pairs as my mum did lots of activities, didn't bother us at all. My dad did work long hours & was out very early in the morning so I didn't see him much during the week but he was very hands on at the weekends & cooked the fun food. My parents did separate later largely due to the pressures of my dads work but they are amicable & we didn't have to leave the family home or anything so it wasn't a huge upheaval. My mum was quite tight so we never had branded trainers or anything & it never did us any harm.

Crikey of course you feel sad that you weren't able to provide all that, it sounds amazing and we'd all like to provide more for our families! Thing is though, it's only natural to look at other people's lives and wonder if you got it all right or wrong, and if other people somehow had the answer. No such thing as a perfect life, some people get it easier, others just seem to catch all the rubbish that the world has to offer. It's great for your son that he can spend time with his lovely friend in that amazing home, and then come back to his loving family where he gets all the love he needs. I also think it's ok to feel a twinge of jealousy sometimes, as long as it isn't eating you up.

Growing up I lived in a 3bed semi in a nice area and had a friend whose father had a helicopter and they had a jacuzzi room plus swimming pool. I knew they had more money than my family but as much as I enjoyed going there, I was never bothered that we didn't have that stuff. It didn't really occur to me as a child so I didn't feel I was missing out. I had a lovely and balanced childhood.

Dh and I have more available money than our parents did and enjoy lovely holidays but my dc don't seem to have any awareness re cost of these. I think they will appreciate it when they're older although they might turn round and say they would have preferred a bigger house and caravan holidays.

However, if you are surrounded by people financially better off than you and spend your time comparing and trying to keep up, then yes that is a recipe for unhappiness.

Though the one and only "rich kid" in the class can also feel like the misfit too - perhaps not trusting people to like them for what they are, not what they have.

I find that when people notice our (nice but not Chelsea!) lifestyle, they tend to ask me questions like "what hours do you work?" and "how long did you take off for maternity leave?" (My kids are older so it's a long time ago!). It's like they have an internal scoreboard to justify everyone's lifestyle: money versus moral high ground. It is annoying.

Most high earning families I know have a SAHP/part time parent.
Most I know have two working parents, both successful in their own fields.

Conker I am very aware that I am being ridiculous This family seem to 'have it all', I am in total awe of them. Four dc, a perfect house, lovely parents who I assume work very long hours to have this lifestyle and not a squiff of arrogance or entitlement from them. As I said I work PT and can hardly hold things together, maybe on reflection I am jealous that the mother in particular seems to be superwoman. She doesn't even look remotely flustered though.

I’d say it’s the very middle earners who have to put the hours in, both parents, and more likely to miss out on time with children

Surely very high earners earn so much that one parent stays at home anyway?

I think there are unhappy / dysfunctional families at every point in the income spectrum. And I do think there is a particular dynamic among some very wealthy families where the time:money trade off is taken to the extreme and they don’t see the children very much at all, to the detriment of those children.

You have to earn a lot as the only breadwinner these days to get & pay for a mortgage, save for 2 pensions, save for job loss etc.

She probably has a lot of help in the house, though, OP. It's easy not to be flustered if someone else is cleaning up.