To ask if your parents were high earners if you felt you missed out on anything?

[cardamoncoffee]

Last night I dropped dc off to his friend's house. Think Kevin McCloud's wet dream of a home; glass walls, on the sea, extremely minimal show house type of place. I know the boy vaguely; very polite, humble, privately educated as are his siblings. Three top of the range cars on the driveway (the boy just got a brand new car for his 17th) I did a bit of googling and both parents are hospital consultants and do a lot of private work too.

I work quite PT as one of the dc has ASD and very much needs me with him and suitable childcare was not an option. We will never be on the property ladder, although we rent a house which is falling to bits in a naice area and due to being budget savvy we go on holiday every year. I am aware that I have nothing to complain about, BUT, I couldn't help feeling really sad about how my ds kept going on about their home, the amazing style, the built in vacuum system and other stuff.

I work with disadvantaged children so my sadness is not logical or justified, just feel a bit crap that my ds is looking at another family as the perfect example (and they really do seem perfect!) My parents split up when I was young and my DM had to work long hours and it made me always want to be a SAHM because i felt I missed out on time with her.

My rambling AIBU is NOT about working parents, but parents who were high relatively high earners. Did you feel that although you had material things that you missed out on anything? Would you rather have had more time with your parents?

My father worked too much. We rarely saw him at all from Monday to Friday and not even every weekend either. He was constantly working, even when we were supposed to be on holiday he couldn't tear himself fully away from it. My mother didn't work outside the home so we had plenty of her time, but almost none of his. He did take us swimming or for a bike ride occasionally and we absolutely worshipped him as he only did the fun bits, but once we grew up we realised that he was a bit of a crap dad. He didn't really know us very well and was more like an uncle or something than a parent. He did love us but he really really loved his job. I know working long hours doesn't equate to a high income so it might seem like a separate issue, but my dad did have a really high salary and could easily have chosen to work normal hours, which I suppose is what makes it hard to swallow. Personally I don't feel that having a SAHM made up for my father's absence in our day-to-day lives and would never choose such an unbalanced set up for my own family. And I don't think the little bits of 'quality time' we got with him made up for it either.

Materially we were very comfortable - not super rich but no worries and we could always have everything we needed and if we weren't allowed something we wanted, the reason was never that we couldn't afford it. Nice house, nice garden, nice holidays. They definitely could have afforded private school but the state school was so good there was no need.

I do feel really lucky and it did give me a sense of security which I suppose is good for children, but I agree with Eledamorena that it can lead to poor work ethic and little understanding of how the world really works. I'm ashamed to say that it definitely affected me this way. It also dented my self esteem as a young adult as my parents gave me quite a lot of financial help - I felt infantilised but didn't have the confidence to reject it. I still don't really know whether I could have ever survived without all my massive privileges and leg-ups. This doesn't exactly make me feel good about myself, even though I have a professional job and am definitely standing on my own two feet financially now.

Comparison is the thief of joy (to paraphrase 😉)

things ma be what they seem but perhaps they are not. My sons were friends with the 4 children of two doctors who were at prep school with them We struggled a bit to find the fees, they had high incomes and inherited money on one side. They lived in a beautiful house in the country, had a huge garden and were lovely people. When dropping my children home one day the wife confided in me how unhappy her marriage was and they split up soon afterwards.

I've noticed before that I've been mistaken when I identified someone as having a charmed life. Friends who have recently completed their "Grand Designs" style house have to contend with a lot of physical and mental ill health amongst close relations. After a few minutes envy i always end up thinking i would't change places.

OP, a few years ago my life was pretty grim but at 50 I changed careers and retrained, I now have a well paid and interesting career again- could you retrain or gain a skill that would generate a better income?

Op, you're looking for someone random to tell you negatives that you can then apply to these people, and then make yourself feel better. That's not very nice to be honest.

Yeah, this too.

I know a girl who wanted for nothing financially growing up, who's just had a 100k wedding. I envy her life not one single bit, for SO MANY reasons.

Those reasons could equally apply to you OP OR the family you're thinking of.

@mummyjasmin it is so sad. I see it in the totally opposite behaviours they have with me and the housekeeper and the then their parents .. a total cry out for attention.

I must also add. I was never interviewed for that position, I showed up for interview and was literally handed the job on a plate, so obviously a case of they don't care who watches their children once it isn't them. :(

Having worked for them just makes me think that if I ever can have my own I'll do everything I can to reduce working hours to be there for them. I have nothing against working parents whatsoever it's a need of life if course to make money to survive but some people have too much money and not enough memories with their loved ones. Can't bury the money with you when you go!

My parents were never more than average salary earners and I was fortunate to get nearly a full grant which covered rent and books at university.

When I was younger, 10 and under I lived in an area where everyone seemed to have pretty much the same and I did pretty well for material things being an only child anyway.

When I was older, 11+, we moved to more middle class area where some people had higher incomes, bigger houses etc and I became aware that some people were more well-off but there still didn't seem to be much inequality.

We do ok but now live in an area where there are some very rich people - large detached house, two Range Rovers out front, private school, ski-ing holiday and luxury sunny holiday every year kind of wealthy. DDs are certainly aware that some of their friends have massive houses, more expensive cars etc but I don't know that they notice it as much as I do, or I think they do, as I didn't worry about it too much as a teenager.

I really work on letting them know how fortunate they actually are, I should say.

@sheebs yes I saw this too. A close relation of mine did lots of nannying around a very exclusive area of London. I was pleased for her, however I remember at the time thinking, I wouldn’t let her babysit my kids! Not that she was terrible, it’s just that she was very immature and scatty, I went out with her and a very high powered persons kids one day (professionally I shouldn’t have been there really), and had to remind her constantly to hold their hand across the road.

I was appalled really that so much of the outsourcing was not trained very highly. Those kids were being bought up to lower standards than me with my lower wage.

sheebs2018 :(

I have a 16 month old and because of my upbringing (witnessing financial hardship) I work f/t-ish (have purchased max a/l) and work 5 minutes away, also have the option to work from home if required. My husband works shifts, so when mum isn't looking after LO he does.
As much as I would love to work reduced hours I really don't want him to witness financial hardship as I had. My OH and I are definately not high earners btw.
I am hoping to reduce hours in a few years time - fingers x'd by then I will have bagged a decent role.

cardamoncoffee

I ll tell you what my children are missing out on because it is very very close to my heart.

I am SAH and have been from the time my eldest was born. I am now going to re-train (too long since I have left my high flying job and cant give a flying fuck of going bqck to this industry) because I am bored.
I stopped working because both my parents worked very hard and I would have loved to have one of them at home after school. But it is done now so I feel confident to go back to work.

We have an amazing lifestyle thanks to my husband career. He is flying because (i) he is bright and work hard and (ii) because he doesnt have to worry about the home.
So yes he provides for us all in an amazing manner. But the price my kids pay

(i) he can sometimes make it to their play, concert, etc. He tries very hard to do them. I have to diarise the events in his diary so I am on direct line with his PA

(ii) he never clocks off work. High flying comes with high money but with high responsibilities. Even this summer he had to fly back to London for work and clock on in on conf calls

(iii) my children dont see him at all Monday-Friday. They facetime.

(iv) i am attenting on my own every single school socials if it is not on a Friday. If it is on Friday, he flies in and join me. He is exhausted.

(v) having said that, he is a super dad. Very very involved in their lives both social, sporting and emotional because at the week end he triies so very very hard to be present. He can do that because he is very resilient and doesnt seem to need as much sleep as me. I am in awe.

(vi) even though I have his emotionnal support, I am constantly on my own dealing with a pre-teen puberty mood swings shit, homeworks, running of the house, i take them on holidays on my own, etc. He joins whenever he can. It is tough but we make it work. I couldnt work otherwise they ll have no one at home and would be raised by a nanny and I dont that. So i go without making my contribution to society.

How long are we going to carry on? It is up to him. We are 100% behind me for whatever job he wants to do. He said he might go back to teaching.

So yes our life is great but we miss him. All the time.

My father was high earning which was even more incredible because he was in care during his teenage years. My mum had a good and respectable job but that fitted round the children.
It was a glorious childhood- Dad did work long hours and was often away but was available when he was around and specifically took up a hobby with each of children.
He rode with me & played golf with my brother.
Mum worked very hard to keep it all together but it worked because their marriage was strong.
We went to local state school and so had lots of cash for considerably exotic holidays- Iceland in 1987 was one! But they didn't spoil us - jobs and pocket money was earned. I was out babysitting at 14 and had a pretty full on weekend job at 16 and worked all the way through uni.
I am now married and we are both high earners and very senior in our fields. I am part time but my part time is 3 incredibly long days & and working every other weekend. I often do well over 45 hours a week but just structured differently to full time roles.

My mum didn’t work when I was tiny, dad worked F/T we had no money to spare. Dad started his own business, mum started working F/T and after a wee while we had plenty.

In terms of how good they were as parents and how we were brought up, I barely noticed a difference except that we could go on school trips and days out to places we never got to go before. We didn’t get any more stuff than we had before, I still shared a room with my sister.

Parents are good or bad, how much money they have is irrelevant.

I think it's actually a bit pathetic to be in "awe" of someone because they have material things.

I have massive respect for people who have worked hard in their careers and are reaping the financial rewards but I don't look at their lives as any better than mine (single mum earning £8.75 an hour).

The people I am in awe of are people who are nice, kind and do a lot for others.

Children of high earners who are left with a nanny 7-7 five days a week absolutely miss out.

My parents were very high earners and I had au pairs and nannies growing up. My parents never went to sports days, Founder’s Days or any afternoon performances. My dad worked long hours and rarely attended any of my music/ dance recitals or gymnastics competitions. I vividly remember him working on family holidays and he rarely has any down time.

My mum went part time in my teens but that also coincided with the birth of my sibling and the “damage” was done, in that I do feel I missed out on a close relationship with her. I don’t remember my parents ever playing with me as a child, but they did take me to “experiences”.

But on the other hand, I grew up in an amazing house, had amazing holidays, received an amazing education, I was allowed to do any activities I wanted and go on any school trips, I went skiing with school every year for years, had dry ski slope lessons to facilitate this etc. I got a part time job as a teenager so I could a buy a designer bag my mum refused to buy me. Even while I was earning I still got a hefty allowance from my parents.

As an adult they paid for university, including my masters, and for a large deposit on a central London flat.

I feel lucky about my upbringing and it has afforded me a wealth of opportunities I probably wouldn’t have got otherwise, but like some other posters I had very little understanding of how the world worked. School and university were a bubble and the world of work was very eye opening. Another consequence was because my parents worked so much they outsourced everything, which meant I am a bit ashamed of how little I knew about how to run a household.

@Longlongsummer it's crazy. They're your children I'd want to know everything about a potential nanny. I provided references and they were not checked either as a previous family I put as a reference I remain very close to, only left that position as mom was made redundant. I asked her if they had rang and they never did.

@MummyJasmin I hope you didn't think I was slating working mom's if it came across that way I do apologise profusely. They are wonderwomen and I know the majority miss their children and love spending time with them. What I mean is these people I worked for would work as much as possible to be away from theirs by my view. As harsh as this sounds I feel the children were just brought into the world to complete the picture perfect lifestyle - big house flash cars good jobs .

And to the OP - I would not let this situation bother you although it is hard You sound like a fantastic mother and time spent with your children is worth more than money spent in my opinion. Please don't feel disheartened :)

My DPs were low earners and it's only now that I can see what I missed out on in terms of cultural capital. I'm not a high earner but my children have opportunities that I didn't.

I have some friends in the very high earners bracket, some retired already etc (late 30’s)
In all of those families, the Mum is at home (all once professional, driven high earners) some dads at home too or at home more often, being able to work from home/wherever..it really is the dream!
Hasten to add, they’re not without their problems (the same as all of us) but in terms of parental attention, it’s often more from what I’ve seen, they’re very lucky!

DH and I are reasonably high earners but we live in London so it doesn’t quite seem like that. We have a terraced house in a nice part of London. Kids go to prep school but the car is old and we don’t do fancy holidays. But the kids do have a comfortable life and we can afford DS1’s musical interests which do take up a lot of time/money. We have a lot of books. We did an international move once and we carted, according to the shipping company, 700 kgs of books. Our kids are tech and screen free for the most part. (They watch sport and we like watching sport).
Yes DH and I work long hours and we have a nanny. I work from home one day and DH on another so at least two days of the week we stop at 3-4 pm and pick up the slack later. DH is a very hands on father and as soon as his computer is switched off he’s downstairs with the kids or doing housework. We have a cleaner who comes once a week.
It is v v v important to me my children understand that they are privileged. We are from a country with v high levels of poverty and while I don’t do the whole ‘eat your food because kids in Africa are starving’ nonsense I do try and talk to them about the real world and how privileged they are.

The down side is that between the long hours and the small kids DH and I have v little time for each other or for any hobbies or outlets. None whatsoever. Our marriage is strong because we recognise that the kids are the priority now but every time we switch off from work we are there with the kids. We know friends who have nannies on weekends to enable couple time (this has been mentioned up thread) but that’s not our style. So yes I am sometimes/often exhausted. I work long hours, try and be there physically and mentally for the kids, DH and I do housework and cooking and life admin once the kids are in bed. Then we work some more. And then we crash. I have been trying to watch the new Bake Off episode but have fallen asleep within 2 minutes each time.
I am hoping that as the kids get older we will have more time for ourselves.

Also OP imo children don't tend to judge (although parents do). I went to excellent faith schools as my parents preferred that option due to their background so I mixed with a wide range of backgrounds. I never cared what car or size of house my friends had, why would I? What I am conscious of is that my children are growing up in a much less diverse environment than I did (I still live where I grew up).

Haven't RTFT as all the predictable self-righteous judginess on page 1 of comments wound me up.

OP, I think it's perfectly normal to feel a bit sad when your child comes home cooing about their rich friend's house. It sounds like you work very hard, and do very hard and important work. Perfectly normal to want to be able to feel proud of what you are doing, and OK about the sacrifices you have made - and to want to feel assured that perhaps others are having to make some sacrifices, too. If anything, that guards against bitterness, right? It helps you feel connected to the human condition to keep in mind that everyone has a cross to bear. Don't let the sanctimonious hordes of MN give you a hard time for being 'negative' or 'jealous'.

Btw I should say DS2 was v v sick at birth. Our money allowed us to not worry about parking fees and asking the nanny to spend a few extra hours. But the worry and the stress is the same as any parent. Our work was incredibly good (especially DH’s) in being supportive when our son was in the NICU. We were also able to afford OT and PT privately later on. Again I am v conscious of how fortunate we were/are despite these terrible circumstances.

No I didn't miss out. - the opposite. It seems really weird that you are looking for ways to put these people down because you are (presumably) jealous of what they have. it's not either/or.

Oh & quality of life is definitely more important to me than money alone. We could move out of London & have a much bigger home but my mum is around the corner & my in-laws about a mile away. I also have my siblings fairly close so my DC get to grow up around family who also assist with childcare & babysitting whenever needed. My mum is picking up the kids today & having them for the weekend as we have just got back from a holiday & I need a break from them! 😜 I also didn't go back to my pre dc career as it was too demanding & no flexibility. I like working so I have a fab part time flexible job in a school so I get loads of holidays & the best thing is it's a 10 min walk so no sweaty work commute but obvs earn less. DH could earn a bit more if he worked in zone 1 but he can work from home, be flexible & also has a very short commute.

DS`s went to private school their friends ranged from ordinary like us to frequent helicopter users. We had them to stay at weekends they appreciated the full fridge etc. They are still friends on FB. They are just kids trying to find their way in life their parents ranged from delightful to downright odd.