To ask if your parents were high earners if you felt you missed out on anything?

[cardamoncoffee]

Last night I dropped dc off to his friend's house. Think Kevin McCloud's wet dream of a home; glass walls, on the sea, extremely minimal show house type of place. I know the boy vaguely; very polite, humble, privately educated as are his siblings. Three top of the range cars on the driveway (the boy just got a brand new car for his 17th) I did a bit of googling and both parents are hospital consultants and do a lot of private work too.

I work quite PT as one of the dc has ASD and very much needs me with him and suitable childcare was not an option. We will never be on the property ladder, although we rent a house which is falling to bits in a naice area and due to being budget savvy we go on holiday every year. I am aware that I have nothing to complain about, BUT, I couldn't help feeling really sad about how my ds kept going on about their home, the amazing style, the built in vacuum system and other stuff.

I work with disadvantaged children so my sadness is not logical or justified, just feel a bit crap that my ds is looking at another family as the perfect example (and they really do seem perfect!) My parents split up when I was young and my DM had to work long hours and it made me always want to be a SAHM because i felt I missed out on time with her.

My rambling AIBU is NOT about working parents, but parents who were high relatively high earners. Did you feel that although you had material things that you missed out on anything? Would you rather have had more time with your parents?

Not sure if this is what you are asking but,

I grew up with 2 high earning parents that worked long hours. Me and my siblings would go to morning and after school clubs/baby sitters until our parents got home.
I never felt like I didn't get enough time with them though, I respected and was proud of my hard working parents and knew we were lucky to have the money to go on lovely family holidays.

I had two high earning parents who both wanted to work and did so, my mum went back to work very early after having us. We had a nanny who worked around 7am - 7pm (shorter hours as we got older) as my parents were out of the house and even though my mum had Friday off I remember spending a decent amount of time playing in her office and being taken for lunch by one of the secretaries. At one point my dad worked away and flew back to stay overnight once a fortnight.

We had material things, private school and so on, but also had a good work ethic instilled in us and I'd say it benefits us more now with help for things like a house deposit / money for the grandkids. It's all relative though, the dc in that family are probably envious of the others they go to school with who have swimming pools etc!

At the time it would definitely have been nice to see them more but as I get older I recognise that they both genuinely loved their careers so I can see why they did what they did.

Am I the only person with two high earning parents who was never given money - no house deposit, never bought me any kind of car, new or old banger certainly. When I went to university (they made it clear not to would be absolutely unforgivable) they matched the basic maintenance grant still received by students from poorer families (shows age) and when I said I was getting a maintenance loan agreed it was a sensible decision compared to using my overdraft...

I also always felt they were disappointed in me for not studying medicine or law. I wasn't remotely interested in either.

Not randomly handing out wads of cash is one thing I don't think they were being unreasonable about, but actually my friends from less affluent families often had far more disposable money from parents - mine had a horror of spoiling us and an obsession with us learning the value of money where friends with parents who earned less had a horror of them taking out student loans, which were still newish, and subbed them instead.

Not one of my siblings has chosen a life remotely similar to my parents and both my sister and my sil were stay at home mum's for several years. We're all comfortable but not nearly as well off as my parents (though if we'd chosen their career we wouldn't have been either, they hit a bubble in which a two hospital doctor couple was really rather wealthy - the salaries wouldn't go quite as far, and the final salary pension wouldn't be quite as far, for a couple following in their footsteps especially with a similar fairly big family size today).

They don't give the grandchildren money either - £30-50 on birthday presents, less at Christmas.

I always thought it was only people who'd made money building up and selling a business who splashed the cash - we grew up knowing some very well off people and their parents were like ours or tighter - certainly didn't buy their children cars or give them house deposits, they had to wait to inherit (in their 60s...)

OP - I know quite a few very wealthy people, plus have an uncle, who retired in their mid thirties due to selling businesses and basically spend their time enabling their childrens' pursuit of hobbies and sport. Wealth and spending time with your children are definitely not synonomous.

Actually I think there is a price to pay. My husband is a high earner and it comes with stress and long hours. I have been part time to make sure someone can be there for the children but that has limited my career prospects. I’m debating going back to work full time. For me, you can’t have everything so what is best for my career won’t be best for my children and I don’t know what to do for the best.

What a strange post OP. There are good/ bad parents and functioning/ dysfunctional families all across the continuum of earning

My father earned well, my mother earned bugger all really, though to be fair this was nothing to do with any lack of ability, more lack of opportunity because in the 60s there wasn’t childcare in the way there now is

I don’t feel I missed out on things, in fact if my father hadn’t earned fairly well then perhaps I’d be more likely to have felt that way, particularly in my teenage years. It’s not just about having things, it’s experiences isn’t it? If for example most of your friends are going on holidays and you don’t, it’s easy to feel left out when you’re a teenager and peer pressure matters

I do however feel that my mum missed out, because I think it would have done her a lot of good confidence wise to have another focus apart from home and kids

Userzzzzz exactly, the is always a price. It might be a price worth paying, but there always is somewhere. No decision or life path is without a price somewhere, to someone. It might be the right decision, the pros may outweigh the cons, but nothing is without a negative reprocussion somewhere. Every silver lining has a cloud

It feels like WC families have more of a sense of community in their local area and I always thought I missed that. But I dont know if I'm romanticising that?

What a strange post OP. There are good/ bad parents and functioning/ dysfunctional families all across the continuum of earning

My question wasn't related to dysfunctional or bad parenting. For those who think it is a very strange question apologies, I did not experience extreme wealth which is why I am asking those who did if despite having a lot of money and material possessions if they feel they missed out on anything. The evidence is very clear for how disadvantaged children may miss out so I'm just pondering about the other side.

I personally think that there's a sweet spot, and it isn't two hospital doctors as parents.

As someone else says you need enough money. Exactly how much depends on living costs and house prices where you live.

Beyond the sweet sport of a bedroom per child, bring able to afford holidays (doesn't have to be 5* long haul, but some travel and exploration/ adventure) and some but not too many extra curricular activities, decent food and clothing, you can tip over to a point where having too much isn't good for children, parents are workaholics and/ or expect gratitude from children who've never known anything else and don't really understand what they're meant to be grateful for.

I think the sweet spot is enough money to have everything you need and some of the things you want, but not everything you want, and time.

Success is working 30 hours per week and being in the sweet spot, not working 65 hours per week and having everything you're supposed to want and paying someone else to spend time with your children and clean all those grand design windows you only see in daylight once per week...

Today 16:01 FloatingObject

It feels like WC families have more of a sense of community in their local area and I always thought I missed that. But I dont know if I'm romanticising that?

I think you are.
I think those families can have a strong kind of ‘territorial’ feeling that they belong to an area and have done for generations.
But sometimes that translates into hostility towards incomers to the community, even though it’s often the incomers who are very active and are the movers and shakers

FloatingObject I've concentrated on giving my children roots because I have never had them. I think that's specific to one specific type of mobile professional family though. My parents had the same jobs as the parents in the opening post, and hospital consultants have moved their families, if they have them, around a lot unless they wait until their very late 30s or early 40s to have them.

That is a price. If you move to a new city eight times before you're eleven years old and settle where the best consultant job for your dad is, where you have the wrong accent and no connections, then your parents send you to an out of area private school, you stand a high chance of being pretty rootless and unconnected to anywhere specific, and to feel as though you're lying when people ask where you come from, no matter how you answer.

I answer "where are you from?" with "my parents live in..."

I'm from the British isles, but no one specific location...

I'm not sure two doctor salaries would fund all of that!

@EdnaAdaSmith
I can soooooo relate, except replace moving regions with moving bloody countries! I think that's why I tend to romanticise these very rooted families.

My Dad was a pretty high earner. I don't feel I missed out on anything. He didn't make it to every sports day etc but I never felt we didn't get enough time together and always felt very loved and secure.

I don't know whether he ever felt that he missed on anything though. He worked long hours in a stressful job (obviously this isn't particular to high earners, lots of people do). He's never said that he would have done anything differently but I'm sure it can't have been easy.

Me and my DH are hoping to start a family soon and both work FT with long hours and commutes. Every option in terms of how we organise ourselves seems to involve some sacrifice for both us and also for future children (either earning power, time together or both) but I guess we will need to strike the best balance. So it's probably a hard choice for most people and there's always pros and cons to every situation.

(Sorry, that's a bit off-topic, but it's just got me thinking!)

She doesn't even look remotely flustered though.

I'm a high earner, though not quite to the extent that this family sound like they are.

It's easier not to look flustered as you can afford a cleaner, gardener, have someone do your ironing, etc.

Not that she won't still have a lot to juggle; I'm sure she does but you can afford to outsource a lot.

CottonSock might if they live somewhere cheap... but I agree, not these days. Doctors are very, very often the children of doctors - it's one of the most nepotistic careers... Both parents only children from a line of hospital doctors and the grandparents have already passed on(likely if the grandchildren are driving, in a professional family where people have children later) - very likely indeed in that case that there's plenty of money sloshing about.

CottonSock they are both consultants and do a lot of private work on the side. A quick google revealed they have a limited company which brings in a six figure salary too. They may of course be up to their eyes in debt.

Edna I know many doctors and their lives were very transient until they got to the top and shift working too, which intrigues me even more about this family as the children have always attended the same school. Fair play to them both, they work very hard and their children have turned out exceptionally well.

OP I get what you mean about being envious of the 'put togetherness' of the Mum.

If it helps, I'm a high earner but a bit of a slob and not at all put together! I'm sitting here mumsnetting when I should be working from home in leggings with holes in and a big grey T-shirt dunking chocolate disgestives into a coffee.

I dream of being one of those effortless creatures of grace and 'put togetherness' that does a morning yoga session and lives in a world out of a White Company magazine. But nope - usually covered in cat hair and biscuit crumbs

@EdnaAdaSmith. My dh is a (early career) consultant. I have an average but part time job. Not quite the same scenario but we would need to win the lottery to have a swanky house, private school and 3 new cars..We live in Wales. I'm guessing inheritance. Better start buying my lottery tickets

cardamoncoffee how on earth have they managed to both be in consultant jobs without moving? Unless they live in London, which sounds impossible with that house (I was thinking Wales...)

Or have the children always attended the same boarding school?

My parents were high earners. They were equals.P My father took 3 years off work when I was born while my mum worked part time.

Not every high earner works long hours.

We also weren't spoilt and although had books/music lessons/sporting equipment, weren't given frivolous designer clothes or fast cars. We helped out around the house. We were well behaved.

I also had a part time job from age 14 and throughout school and university.

Many children from lower income households didn't. It's about values not about income. I don't think there's much point in comparison.

Cross posted with the Wales reference!

My parents refuse to recognise it but doctors' salaries definitely went further in the 80s. My parents bought a huge rambling house with a lot of land in a fairly expensive area and sent 4 children to private schools, but I think it'd be one or the other in the same jobs these days - not both.

Ah a limited company, I need one of those then - could it be for the private work (tax management)? Back to point of thread though, my dh declines overtime and private work to be a hands on dad and generally helpful husband. (And the tax , pension palarva). We are not clued up enough to do something like set up a ltd co). I know this is what others can do to make the extra worth it in terms of tax.