To ask if your parents were high earners if you felt you missed out on anything?

[cardamoncoffee]

Last night I dropped dc off to his friend's house. Think Kevin McCloud's wet dream of a home; glass walls, on the sea, extremely minimal show house type of place. I know the boy vaguely; very polite, humble, privately educated as are his siblings. Three top of the range cars on the driveway (the boy just got a brand new car for his 17th) I did a bit of googling and both parents are hospital consultants and do a lot of private work too.

I work quite PT as one of the dc has ASD and very much needs me with him and suitable childcare was not an option. We will never be on the property ladder, although we rent a house which is falling to bits in a naice area and due to being budget savvy we go on holiday every year. I am aware that I have nothing to complain about, BUT, I couldn't help feeling really sad about how my ds kept going on about their home, the amazing style, the built in vacuum system and other stuff.

I work with disadvantaged children so my sadness is not logical or justified, just feel a bit crap that my ds is looking at another family as the perfect example (and they really do seem perfect!) My parents split up when I was young and my DM had to work long hours and it made me always want to be a SAHM because i felt I missed out on time with her.

My rambling AIBU is NOT about working parents, but parents who were high relatively high earners. Did you feel that although you had material things that you missed out on anything? Would you rather have had more time with your parents?

It's a dead end to compare yourself to anybody else. Nobody else has your unique set of circumstances and therefore your life. People without children, not through choice, will envy you your dc. Those who can't work, not through choice, will envy you your job. Those living in temporary accommodation will envy you your rented house. And so it goes on.

Yes, nice stuff is nice stuff, and money can buy opportunity, choice and ease. I had a pretty comfortable upbringing, but it didn't stop the usual suffering and hardships that accompany all human life.

There has been lots of thread on people who grew up without how they missed our. I think OP is just looking for information from the other side.

High earning parents doesn't really equate to anything though. I grew up with not much more than the basics and had a friend of high earning parents -big house etc.

We bonded through riding horses and our general disgruntlement that neither set of parents would let us have a pony (mine couldn't afford it and hers knew that it would be hard work). So, although she was generally privileged, we were both deprived children (in our eyes).

I think most people unless super secure would feel a pang of inadequacy at that house though! I find it helps to remember that I enjoy spending time with people, regardless of their surroundings. My parents house, spotless? Great. A friend’s house where you might have to clear a pile of knitting, books, and a cat off the sofa in order to sit down? Also great

I absolutely agree with this. My DC went to a failing primary school in a good area where many of the children with parents 'like us' sent their children to the many local faith schools. As a consequence, we we stuck out as the family with the 'big' house and certain kinds of jobs and I felt we were treated with inverted snobbery. However, one of my DDs friends lived in a tiny house that was always a mess, with pets galore, and the mother was so very down to earth and friendly and (gladly) unapologetic about the way she lived. All I remember is how friendly she was and how often she'd invite my DD over and include her in their family.

Now, my DC go to a secondary school where we have one of the smallest houses and I feel those pangs of envy, wondering if my teen DDs feel we are inadequate in some way. If they ever comment, I tell them they are free to choose the kind of jobs they want to do and lifestyle they want to have themselves when they are older. But I try to remember that nice people are nice people and rude people are rude people. Don't be apologetic for the house you live in. People aren't judging you as much as you assume they might be - and if they are - they're not worth your energy.

I feel like I haven't done enough for my children. We ear a decent living, but with our situation, we will never be able to move to a bigger house. We own ours but it's a 2 bed flat. We go on holidays and have a good lifestyle but dps credit history means we will never move on, and I don't earn enough on my own to buy anything decent or better than what we have.
I'm not afraid to admit I get very jealous of people who have the lifestyle I want. Not even the lifestyle, just the material things, big house, 2 cars, nice big garden, spare rooms and bathrooms, when I have 1 bathroom you can't swing a cat in and my dc share a room. I get extremely jealous to the point it makes me feel quite down.

Princess I live in a naice area but no where near the naice level of this home, so I'm not the poor relative of the area.

The children are quietish and very disciplined. Ds told me that he laughed as they were offered cinnamon swirls as a snack and they automatically sat up at the kitchen island and eat them with knives and forks. They also have to keep their rooms very tidy, the DM is strict that way so it's not a case of them having 20 cleaners a week. They are all in all a lovely family.

cardamoncoffee don't think like that - that's half the reason my mother was always so stressed. She had so many books about "having it all" and inspirational autobiographies of mothers of 10 with high flying careers. She made herself very unhappy believing that to be successful she had to have a high flying career, a successful husband, well educated, well behaved slim (that's another story) well turned out children, and a perfect "visitor ready" beautiful home.

I never wanted to replicate that. It's all for show, although I don't think she thinks that. Children don't want to live in a glass and chrome minimalistic show home with parents who are stressed to the hilt or absent.

Good enough is often better than perfectionism IMO.

Teens are impressed by novelty and shiny things, but that doesn't mean that they'd be happier actually living that life.

I'd have liked less time with my parents, particularly my mother. She didn't go to work and her world was very small. My dad earned reasonably well and we were well provided for but we weren't rich by any means.

I was materially very comfortable, but my parents had a horrendous divorce which scarred me for years and years. I still have huge envy for families that are 'whole' and never had to negotiate 2 sets of parents/new partners etc which continues forever. My biggest ambition as a parent is to have a happy marriage - but of course my children take that entirely for granted, as they should, as they have never known the misery of parents splitting up.

My point is, material wealth comes second to emotional security. If you can provide both, as this family seems to, then they are very lucky children.

Doesn't help that the kids who live in big houses with range rovers, make fun of my ds and the other kids from average income families. My dc have the same material possessions as these children but apparently at 10 years old, kids are using how many bedrooms they have in their houses as a way to pick on the less fortunate. I wouldn't give 2 shiney shits if it was just me and dp, I just want to give my children more.

My parents were high earners each with a FT job (from mid primary onwards). Not private-jet rich, but very senior public sector type well-off.

I really missed my mum being there after school, particularly when I was mid/late teens and there was no childminder or similar about either. I have promised to myself that I will try to be at home for my children post-school during secondary.

However, I did appreciate the financial security of what they did, and this continues to benefit me even now.

I couldn't help feeling really sad about how my ds kept going on about their home, the amazing style, the built in vacuum system and other stuff.

Honestly, children and teenagers often have really crappy taste -- a footballer has just moved close by, into the flashiest house in the village (well, a formerly a lovely old house that's been horrifically renovated by previous owners), and every child in the place is longingly ogling his stupid car and trainers.

Most high earning families I know have a SAHP/part time parent.
Most I know have two working parents, both successful in their own fields.

Completely agree @F33lguilty That's my experience, too.

I know quite a lot of people whose parenta both worked long hours and found it hard. I was determined to do differently and have a parent more available for my kids.

Grass is always greener. There is always someone better off

Does that family in their shiny house feel jealous of their friends with a yacht and never having to work because it was Daddy’s money?

I live in a huge house in a nice estate. DH is so mean we can’t get the boiler fixed. You never really know what’s going on.

@cardamoncoffee my parents were high earners and I spent a lot of time on my own as they worked long hours. I used to love going to my friends house as it was such a warm family environment and I was jealous.

Also my father was a very high earner for a time. We saw none of that money and lived in a rented block of flats in a dodgy area.

I used to wish he’d at least be home like the other kids dads weekends, my friends who were working class. I envied them.

@sheebs2018 aww that broke my heart.

Put it this way,

It’s not their wealth/high earning that would make it work.

They’re either good at managing and making it work, or something has to give.

I know many high earning families where yes something has to give. My kids will look up to their extravagant lifetstyle while their kids looked and said to me they wish they had home cooked meals and time to play with their parents instead of their memories with maids and nanny’s,

But it’s not always like that, many kids of low earning families don’t feel they missed out and many kids of high earning families likewise.

I think for a child what matters is family values and love, material things are nice and they come and go but aren’t defining.

It is often true that some parents rely on material things to compensate for their absence and usually because they have a lot of emphasis on that in their lives.

Your friends sound like lovely humble people though. I don’t think they sound like snobs who material things define them. So you need to get to know them below the surface and might find that their happiness isn’t because of material things but rather their family values which you can replicate in your life too..

As a nanny I’ve worked for incredibly wealthy families. The average live in nanny works 5 days 7-7 that’s often covering breakfast/bath and bedtime.

It often results in guilty parents who over compensate buy buying them stuff and giving into every whim. Children who don’t know the value of anything and have little respect as everything can simply be replaced.

My family are wealthy but they weren’t when I was growing up. And I think I appreciate their help and their wealth now as an adult then I would ever have done as a child.

Op, you're looking for someone random to tell you negatives that you can then apply to these people, and then make yourself feel better. That's not very nice to be honest.

Some will have more than you, others less, try to deal with your own feelings of inadequacy or envy and not desperately seek ways to bring others down.

My grandfather and father were very high earners, but it's not something you are aware of as a child, your lifestyle just seems perfectly normal to you.
Just to take your question at face value, I missed my parents, because I went to boarding school. I was deeply unhappy, it damaged me emotionally, and I would have given anything to have been in the comfort and happiness of our home rather than stuck in a cold and strict public school. I often wonder what a different sort of person I may have been if I had had loving parental support throughout my very troubled adolescence. (I am old now. Public schools were very different places in the 1960s).

Ooh I feel like you already know that something about their set up isn't as perfect as it seems. That's ok, I don't really get why you need us all to validate it for you?

My dad lived away from us during the week and only came home at weekends. He was a very high earner.

I don't really feel like I missed out. My mum worked but her hours were compatible with having kids so she was usually around. And my dad is a great dad - supportive, loving, very present when he was home, always on hand with advice.

I think ultimately it comes down to who they are as people. They're loving, kind supportive people and so as a child I felt confident and supported. I'm sure you're DC feels the same about you - it's who you are that matters, not what you do.

My dc are missing out on seeing their father 3 days a week as he works away from home and they're missing out on play dates because I'm working full time so it's hard to host them during the week.