To ask if your parents were high earners if you felt you missed out on anything?

[cardamoncoffee]

Last night I dropped dc off to his friend's house. Think Kevin McCloud's wet dream of a home; glass walls, on the sea, extremely minimal show house type of place. I know the boy vaguely; very polite, humble, privately educated as are his siblings. Three top of the range cars on the driveway (the boy just got a brand new car for his 17th) I did a bit of googling and both parents are hospital consultants and do a lot of private work too.

I work quite PT as one of the dc has ASD and very much needs me with him and suitable childcare was not an option. We will never be on the property ladder, although we rent a house which is falling to bits in a naice area and due to being budget savvy we go on holiday every year. I am aware that I have nothing to complain about, BUT, I couldn't help feeling really sad about how my ds kept going on about their home, the amazing style, the built in vacuum system and other stuff.

I work with disadvantaged children so my sadness is not logical or justified, just feel a bit crap that my ds is looking at another family as the perfect example (and they really do seem perfect!) My parents split up when I was young and my DM had to work long hours and it made me always want to be a SAHM because i felt I missed out on time with her.

My rambling AIBU is NOT about working parents, but parents who were high relatively high earners. Did you feel that although you had material things that you missed out on anything? Would you rather have had more time with your parents?

Why woule a family with 2 high earning working parents see their kids less than one with 2 low earning working parents? That makes no sense whatsoever. Plenty of average and low paid jobs have long hours.

Dexy you are perfectly entitled to say that. I come from a very close family culture but must admit since reading MN I feel that I haven't been career focused enough, it just didn't seem that important to me. I don't actually care myself about a lavish lifestyle, if I have enough to live and a bit extra that is enough. MN has definitely been influential for me wrt how I look at a career from a woman's POV. In honesty though I wouldn't want to work a 50-60 hour week no matter what the financial reward, I'm too lazy for that.

I'm actually quite perplexed and annoyed that I feel this way. I'll go into work on Monday and give myself a kick up my own rear end.

My parents were high earners. Both of them had their own business which got big very quickly. I never saw them from roughly 7 through to 15. But their work meant I had nice things growing up, I remember one particular incident where I wanted the new ipod that came out and my dad bought me one if I tidied my room... that sort of stuff. I was bought a house at 21. A new car when I passed my driving test and paid my insurance etc But they instilled a work ethic in me which means I'm a relatively high earner too now.

I never had my mum or dad at sports day, very rarely did parents evening, but they instilled enough ethics in me which meant i knew i needed good grades to go to university and get a good job.

frag I think it is fairly unusual, but for example I know two families that keep two nannies on, 06.30am - 7pm or later, to facilitate two very demanding high earning roles. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad/wrong/detrimental, but I often look at these families and think that if I was in their shoes I’d be scaling back both my income and my outgoings (which is sort of what we’ve done really, though that’s another thread).

Fraggling this isn't about low vs high earners. Low earners need to work to live, which may involve long hours. There is no argument there as it isn't a choice. I suppose maybe as well I'm wondering do the children in wealthy families wish they had more time with a parent over material stuff; but again that is making the assumption that long working hours is a given, which isn't always the case.

(Ie the nannies work in two shifts)

cardamoncoffee MN has a very specific user demographic IMO and there are a very large number of posters who are aspirational financially and very defensive indeed.

A lot of answers will be from people who are themselves high earners or trying to be claiming on their children's behalf that their children are completely happy and don't miss out on anything, rather from the adult children who grew up in that situation. There are a lot of people married to higher earners which again is not the situation you describe.

My parents actually were hospital consultants - though my mother fell off the promotion track by having 4 children and didn't become a consultant until her late 50s. My father's career was prioritised and he became a constant almost as young as it is possible to, in his 30s.

We moved around endlessly to enable my father to chase each promotion in rapid succession.

As a result I don't belong anywhere - I'm rootless.

We were sent to private schools because this was financially an option and because my parents felt local schools weren't good enough - this has cons as well as educational pros when you already don't really "belong" - we were never part of the community where we lived.

My parents are now part of their community but they put down roots when their older children were already pre-teens and in private schools outside the local community.

My dad was never there at Christmas until I was a pre teen. This did matter.

My mum worked full time and resented that she had to prioritise the family because of their mutual decision to get my father promoted first. She was almost permanently very stressed as far as I remember. She'd come in from work furious that we hadn't noticed her park up and come running out to help her unload the shopping she'd done in her lunch hour. She'd cook dinner with her coat on ranting about how ungrateful we were as older children.

We had a series of nannies, two lovely two not so lovely. My mother is adamant that she taught us various skills and did various things with us but as the eldest I remember that in fact she instructed the nanny to do those things - she ensured they happened but she's rewritten her memory and is convinced that she did them. This is frustrating and involves a lot of tongue biting. It's my little sister's nanny's recipe I use for a lot of basics even now in my late 40s.

My parents didn't really know us as children but built up a snapshot "sound bite" version of each of us set in stone at about age 6 which they stuck with absolutely ignoring how we changed as we grew up. I clearly remember my dad telling his colleague about my ambitions and interests at a party when I was 15 - he was describing a kind of superficial version of my 6 year old hopes and dreams. Despite being around more my mum was the same, having each child's potential, strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes summarised as they were at early primary age and not noticing or remembering how we changed.

My parents were obsessed with us learning the value of money so we weren't bought cars or given generous allowances - that's fair enough though.

We did have a nice huge house and good education.

I think you are doing a lot of assuming here. For example assuming that to have a nice house you have to work long hours and never see the kids. It could be inherited wealth. It could be a lottery win. They could work shifts so they each spend time with the kids. The best thing you can do is concentrate on you. Stop comparing your insides to other people outsides.

There’s no automatic thing that children of higher earners will miss out on. If your income is low, they WILL miss out on the material stuff. Alongside that, they may have everything else, or they may have nothing. So you can find people with rich parents who had appalling childhoods, but there’s no overall causation there, even if there is for a given individual. It’s meaningless.

I think most people unless super secure would feel a pang of inadequacy at that house though! I find it helps to remember that I enjoy spending time with people, regardless of their surroundings. My parents house, spotless? Great. A friend’s house where you might have to clear a pile of knitting, books, and a cat off the sofa in order to sit down? Also great.

Both my parents worked long hours till I was early teens. I don’t think I missed out, I had a lovely nanny and saw my parents at bedtime (I remember I often stayed up to see them) and weekends.

I am grateful for the money they earned, not so much because of lavish house or holidays (they were savers not spenders) but because of the opportunities it gave me - eg private school, private dentistry (so much better in those days!), I was able to go to university without debt, they helped with my first flat deposit, and if they need care in their old age they will be able to pay for it themselves.

This is surely the problem with moving to a well to do area but not being well to do yourselves.You will always be comparing yourselves to the wealthier families.
I live in an average area in an average house which I'm happy with.If we moved to somewhere "posh" I'd feel like the poor relation for sure.Just be happy with what you've got.

What an odd post. I just don't see what point it is you are trying to make.

I don't know like pp's you can't judge a family on their finances.
I watched a programme on non surgical facelifts a GP turned dermatologist, the camera went to her home it had a white Lamborghini and Range rover in the garden.
When they spoke to the lady in the house she was the kindest most humble caring person, you could tell there was a lot of love in the home, she became a GO as her younger sister died in her arms as a child. I never saw a home as beautiful.
Good people make good parents not money although it does help.

My family were well off when I was growing up. Amazing house, amazing holidays, private school, brand new car at 17 etc. Didn't miss out on anything materially, knew I could sign up for ANY activity or school trip and would be allowed to go. I was aware I was lucky as although I had friends in the same boat, I also had friends on subsidised school places, comfortable enough but not big house and foreign holidays comfortable. As an older teen I had friends/boyfriends from the local high school with modest backgrounds, and my wider family were a mix of all sorts financially. None were anywhere near as well off as us.

I guess I missed out on feeling I had to work to earn a living. I know that sounds mad but I'm kind of amazed I came out of it with any work ethic whatsoever. My mother really valued education but my father just said I could always work for him. He was baffled when I took temp work during uni holidays so I could gain some work experience and hopefully be employable once I graduated! I'm embarrassed to admit I actually took a significant 'pay cut' in order to do this as I stopped receiving my quite ridiculous allowance when I worked.

I'm now a teacher and work with some kids in similar situations. Some of them have no clue about 'real life', how other people live, what it means to have to really work for something you want/need.

For the record, my family is broke now and I'm sooooo glad I didn't rely on those promises of a job etc and got myself a career of my own.

I agree wholeheartedly that a lot of the answers here are going to be written out of defensiveness, as there are lots of MN users who are aspiring to that exact life.
I have two friends who work and work and work (through choice), and rightly or wrongly, I do feel sorry for their children, who see them for a rushed half an hour in the morning and an exhausted half an hour before bed - if they are lucky. Some weeks they don't see them at all for days at a time. Both women are dripping in money and have a security I can't imagine.

It is not the life I would choose. Equally, I'm sure they look at my rented house, old banger, charity shop clothes and think they would never want that for their children. Different folks, different strokes!

My dad was a foreman in a factory, and my mum was a disabled SAHM so absolutely not high earners. I got a scholarship to a private school and was surrounded by people with wealthy families... I’m sorry to say I did feel the difference at times, yes.

DH and I are relatively well paid (household income of around £100k) and we live in a four bed detached house in the SE, but we can’t afford private school for our DS, and a couple of our friends can for their children. I hope DS doesn’t grow up resenting that.

I empathise with you OP.

My first ever friend in school had a beautiful house and the most beautiful garden with incredible views. She had a treehouse too! Which at that age (and even now) seems so magical!

Her parents with both dentists whereas we lived above a takeaway which my parents ran. My parents worked hard and were always there for us. However I can't help but wonder sometimes a childhood where you didn't witness money problems.

Thank you for the replies, it's interesting to hear mixed opinions.

I'm thinking it is more inadequacy about my role as a woman/mother rather than the house. If I was given that house it would cluttered and the silk carpet would be covered in cat hair. I'm sitting here on my day off MNing and drinking coffee when I could be Marie Kondo-ing my wardrobe or something else useful. The truth is that I don't have that much drive or energy. Culturally we are savers, anything above necessity is a luxury so even if we had the means the dc would not be bought high end cars for 17th birthdays anyway. I'm in awe of the mother, she became a consultant and international expert whilst having 4 dc before 40. The dc attended the same prep school all their lives so they definitely have roots and they are very lovely children.

Not my own parents. However I nannied for two high earners. 3 children ranging from 1 and a half to 6 years of age. Parents work full time as a doctor and lawyer.

The children are sweet. Have their moments like any child does. As soon as their parents arrive home it all goes out the window. Screaming, demanding treats and televesion, whinging, fighting with one another and I believe it is all for attention from their parents. Mum works part time, yet has another childminder for her day off and Saturdays. Spends this time socialising and shopping, which of course any parent is entitled to but every single week without fail she is gone from her kids on the days off. Anytime I am there when parents are i.e at my start time, children sat in front of tv or iPad. Parents could be eating breakfast say metres away and if the children approach they're told 'not now mommy/daddy time'. 6 year old actually said to me one day at total random - "my mommy never plays with me" it broke my heart!

Then of course material items. Best of everything. All designer clothes that cost crazy money, full room of toys. But no life experiences. Never go to the playground or park or anything with parents. Amazing 3 story house, cleaner daily, groundskeeper, they do no housework or cooking.

Soon into my job the littlest one was unwell one day as I was on duty. Extremly bad cough and shortness of breath, temperature and seemed out of it. I rang mom to tell her and was basically told 'hes fine give him some liquid paracetamol and let him sleep'. I wasn't happy with him not comfortable minding him so I took him to nearest walk in clinic who sent him straight to hospital where he stayed for 3 days. Mom said at one stage and I quote "could this not have happened another time I am so busy at work" :(

The icing on the cake for me is the fact all 3 of these children were conceived by fertility treatments. Not that children conceived naturally should be loved any less or more, but as someone who has tried and failed to get pregnant and to think of regular people who struggle also or cannot afford treatments, it upsets me.

Sorry for long winded post and I am sure this isn't the case with all high earners just my experience.

confusing post

at first I thought, well my dad earned well. Then I read your description and realised, not compared to what you are saying.

I suppose the answer is, he worked long hours and was away sometimes, but always made sure to spend quality time with us. I'd have been fine with 2 parents working a lot and spending quality time.

the quality bit is way more important that the time!

Actually minipie mentions that if they need care in their old age they will be able to pay for it.

That in my opinion is the single biggest advantage of wealthy-ish parents!

Anyone thinking hospital consultants haven't spent their children's childhoods working long hours doesn't know any ambitioushospital doctors still climbing the greasy pole. They work incredibly long, antisocial hours. Once they are consultants they have a lot of privilege and do far fewer antisocial hours, though if, like my dad and the parents in the OP, they do both private and NHS they absolutely will be working long hours.

My dad, I discovered, worked as much as he could due to being an absolute workaholic almost to addiction levels and finding domestic life hard - this became clear when he was constitutionally incapable of retiring and kept returning to increasing amounts of private practice work into his 70s.

My mum was incredibly stressed by holding the domestic fort in private but always put on a good show in public and absolutely adored being the hostess with the mostess - meeting her the OP would have thought her charming and unflustered. She was and is still charming, but she was almost permanently stressed and flustered but kept a lid on it in front of anyone but very close family.

I can't give you any help on your highly specific question, but I will say this.

My parents were very far from flawless, and we were also far from affluent. Not poor by any stretch of the imagination, but there were always choices to be made with the household budget, shall we say.

Their most significant weaknesses were that they were emotionally poor at handling their children, most especially as teens. I wasn't particularly scarred, but I was the most naturally resilient of the four of us.

However, if you look at the educational and opportunities they provided for us, it was pretty much spot on (all four children high performing in their life contexts, three in secure long term relationships). We had a rich supply of academic and educational resources freely available. Enhanced by first hand experiences. A rural upbringing which is very good for early child development, exploration child centred play etc. Academic achievement supported and encouraged at home. All clean, cook, and are financially sensible.

Outcome wise on objective measures, you'd say my parents did a pretty good job. But I wouldn't rate my parents on a lot of their attitudes (I have to struggle to write this because my mum is the 'obvious' culprit, but realistically my dad HAS to take some portion of the blame for what he went along with willingly).

The moral of this tale, if you can make one of it? You can't parent perfectly. You can't provide perfectly. You can do your best at both those things, your kid will still make up their own mind. As they should.

I still don't understand why you think that high earning people automatically have very long hours and never see their kids, while middle or low earning people will see their kids more.

That's not how the world works.

One of my best friend's dad is earns around £10m a year (partner in banking). She says she never saw him growing up and he works on every family holiday. However, her mother was SAHM so is very close to her.

I think wealthier parents can end up with children that are absolute spoilt brats and don't even recognise it. I have a few friends that are such, it's their parent's fault. Bought them a house, bail them out of situations etc. Bank of mum and dad being one of the biggest banks in the UK (If it were an actual bank obv) just shows that.

I grew up in poverty, but now I am a HRTP and owned my first home in a London Suburb at 23 with no help from parents.

There's no blanket answer, give your child love and give them support and help them achieve.

My dad made a lot of money in the 80s and my parents took huge pride in giving us everything they never had growing up.

They bought us the best education money can buy - unfortunately for me, that meant boarding school. For the first 20 years after I left I'd have said I was "fine" but it's having huge repercussions on my mental health now that my children are the age I was when I was sent away. I'm struggling to hold down a job. I'm sure it's not all down to boarding school but I have definitely grown up with a double-think thing that I had to be always grateful for this expensive education when actually I'd have liked my own bedroom and talking to my parents more than once a week. Of course having a high income doesn't inevitably lead to boarding and boarding doesn't inevitably lead to poor mental health, but I have made very different choices raising my own DC.

I'm sure it's tougher growing up with less in many, many ways, but I think a grander house makes parents happy, not children.