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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:

cheeseandpineapple · 30/08/2019 08:28

Hard to know whether to complain to the celebrant without knowing context of what happened and if she’d been put on the spot but worth raising it with her because if it was a slip up she should know for future reference.

But regardless, your parents and in-laws are being unreasonable for making you feel lousy about it on the day of your wedding.

Just explain it to them and make clear it was admin and you didn’t want it to take away the significance of your wedding which is the one you’ll be celebrating in future too.

TrashPanda · 30/08/2019 08:30

@Rubicon80 Our local registry office has just had their Superintendent Registrar room done up and is now offering that for marriages, seats 6 people, the couple and 4 witnesses/guests. Not everywhere is the same and to say someone is talking nonsense just because you aren't aware is quite rude.

This room is the Superintendent Registrar's office.

It is designed for ceremonies where the bride and groom or civil partners are accompanied by a maximum of four guests or witnesses.

The ceremony is a straightforward undertaking for those who wish to complete only the legal formalities of a marriage or civil partnership.

OP I don't think you've done anything wrong and after clearly telling the celebrant she still passed on information that wasn't hers to divulge. I would give feedback on the issue so they are aware of the hurt caused.

rededucator · 30/08/2019 08:30

OP deliberately lied to her parents and PIL who helped pay towards what they thought was the legal marriage. I'm sure at some point post registry office the mother enquirer about how wedding plans were coming along or what she got up to at the weekend. OP deliberately failed to mention that she'd got legally married. She's been rumbled and wants to blame the ceremony woman now she's been caught out. If she'd been honest months ago the parents would gave gad time to get their head round it, they're would not gave been this on the day drama and everyone would gave had a much more enjoyable day. Hopefully a lesson learned.

ptumbi · 30/08/2019 08:31

So you got married officially without either set of parents? I think I would be upset if that was one of my children! - seriously? Even though the Bride and Groom had a big 'wedding party' with the dress and cake and flowers and stuff that you were invited to? You'd be upset not to be invited to the 'legal' signing of the wedding 'deed' ?

Way to make it all about you!

I'd be happy with whatever wedding event my child wanted. This ^ is why people get so wound up about pleasing everyone else at their own wedding day. It's ludicrous.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 08:32

It’s not just “admin”. Before you sign the papers you aren’t legally married. Afterwards, you are. Some people (most likely to be the parents) are going to want to see that, no matter how boring.

They also probably feel humiliated, as it must have been obvious to their own family and perhaps friends that they had been kept out of the loop by their own children.

DoomsdayCult · 30/08/2019 08:33

YABU. This is fallout from your own decision to deceive your parents. Of course they are upset. And your fury at the celebrant is of the “snitches get stitches” variety.

CherryPavlova · 30/08/2019 08:36

You shouldn’t tell lies as you’ll always be caught out.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 08:36

What did you say on the wedding invitations? Presumably you lied and wrote that you were inviting everyone to your wedding! I’m at a loss as to why you wanted to deceive your parents and wider family.

Frankly, by the time you’ve attended a few weddings (which no doubt both sets of parents have done by now) it’s pretty easy to spot the difference from a celebrant led celebration. The legal aspect isn’t there at all for a start.

If the celebrant was put in a position where they’d have to lie, are you honestly blaming them for this? Did you seriously expect them to be dishonest to keep up the weird pretence that this occasion was your actual marriage?

It’s a bizarre thing to do - and id say that even if I’d organised and paid for the whole affair myself. To do this to parents who have helped plan and pay for the event is just so wrong. You’ve not even had the respect to be honest about what you’re using their money for. I mean why on Earth not just tell your family that you were having a very short, no frills legal wedding and that the main event would be a lovely celebration after?

OddBoots · 30/08/2019 08:36

The way you did things is fine and shouldn't be a big problem, the problem was lying about it rather than telling your parents upfront then putting other people in the situation where you expect them to continue your lie.

I hope it is quickly water under the bridge though and that you can make peace about it with your parents and enjoy being newly weds.

Congratulations.

PuppyMonkey · 30/08/2019 08:37

Honestly, it makes me and go all this “oh that was the proper wedding because you said vows at loud” and “it was a secret ceremony so the second one doesn’t count.” It all sounds like something from 1690 or something.

It’s 2019, you did a legal thing and invited friends and family to a “do” at a later date to celebrate it. You didn’t tell everybody you’d done the legal thing first. The celebrant put her foot in it and told people. Oh well never mind. Nobody will die as a result of any of this outdated nonsense.

Now go and chill out and have lots of sex with your new spouse and move on.

Likethebattle · 30/08/2019 08:37

@Nanny0gg are you in Scotland? Up here you can get married anywhere the venue doesn’t need a licence. As long as the celebrant is legally able to carry out weddings you can get married wherever you
like. I got married on a beach in Argyll by a registrar.

Spinderellacutituponetime · 30/08/2019 08:40

We did exactly this. Legal part at Registry office and then a big celebration/ceremony of our own that everyone attended elsewhere. To us the wedding was the bit where everyone attended and watched us announce our vows to one another. We did explain to the guests though that we were going to the registry before hand. No one wanted to come to that dull bit though and it was very perfunctory. So I totally get what you did just think you maybe should have been open and honest about it.

Roussette · 30/08/2019 08:41

Our room at registry office held 4 people including us

Was it in the cloakroom? How does a registry office only hold 4 people?

Anyway to answer your OP, I think YABU. I hate hate hate secrets in families. If my DDs lied to me like this I'd be very upset. I wouldn't care a jot that they'd gone off and got married and then wanted to celebrate it, but it's the deceiving I don't like. Things like this always get out anyway, as you know to your cost.

No, you can't write and complain, it could have come out in any number of ways.

Buyitinbamboo · 30/08/2019 08:41

I don't know why people would think the celebrant is the issue. It could have come out a number of ways.

Mil: hello you must be the registrar
Celebrant: oh well celebrant but nice to meet you

Or discussing the ceremony
Mil: and then they sign the papers?
Celebrant: well no not today they've already done that part

She cant exactly outright lie

BrokenWing · 30/08/2019 08:42

You cannot expect the celebrant to lie for you, that's outside their role.

Its unfortunate the celebrant let it slip, but it is not their fault you chose to lie to those closest to you and likely to be hurt and offended by that lie.

I eloped and my parents were disappointed they weren't there, but I was straight with them, never lied about it or my reasons why so they respected them.

89redballoons · 30/08/2019 08:43

You can't ask the celebrant to hold herself out as conducting a legal wedding ceremony when she wasn't. Were you going to get her to have you sign a pretend marriage register? That would have been forging a legal document.

I've been to a good few weddings where the legal bit is done beforehand and the majority of guests are only invited to a celebrant-led ceremony, where rings are exchanged and own vows are said and lovely readings are read and hands are fasted etc etc.

I agree that in the context of the couple's relationship, the celebrant-led bit is usually more meaningful. I've also noticed that the legal bit does seem to matter more to some people, especially perhaps to older generations.

However, the legal bit must have mattered to you a bit because otherwise why would you have bothered with it at all? You could have just thrown a big party to celebrate your love.

You shouldn't have lied to your parents or put the celebrant in a position where she either had to compromise her professional ethics (by lying) or upset you on your wedding day (by telling the truth).

Roussette · 30/08/2019 08:43

Oh, and your parents paid for this wedding which wasn't a wedding

MadeForThis · 30/08/2019 08:44

I know quite a few people who had to do this in order to get married in the venue they wanted. It's common in destination weddings too.

The couple treat it as paperwork. No guests because they want to consider their wedding day as the day they said their vows in front of their friends and family. Their Anniversary is their wedding day. Inviting guests to witness the paperwork confuses this.

But I don't know anyone who didn't tell parents that this was happening. Some didn't reveal the actual date so there would be no confusion about their wedding day date. They just told parents that the paperwork had been completed.

cheeseandpineapple · 30/08/2019 08:45

“I would be upset if this was my child”

Maybe so but would you spoil the day that clearly they had intended to be their wedding or have the judgment to control your emotions and ask them about it after the event?

I get why the mother in law asked the OP’s mother on the day but once they both realised neither side had been invited, they should have just dropped it and not made a big deal about it.

Hollycatberry · 30/08/2019 08:46

You have effectively lied and conned people

This is insane. All the PPs piling in to talk about deception and lying, what a load of dramatics.
I cannot see the issue here. Yes the 'legal' bit of OPs wedding was conducted without her parents and parents in law in attendance. OP hasn't said why, but it's not exactly the exciting bit of what most people consider to be a 'wedding' anyway. But if they wanted to be there and are upset fair enough, OP should explain the decision.

I don't see how the parents have been deceived paying for the wedding. It's still a wedding. And it's what OP has considered to be her wedding day. It's not illegal to do that even if the date doesn't match the legal record.

And many people who get married abroad or in a religious ceremony will consider their 'wedding' to be the big party even if it doesn't contain the legal bit. It's really common to have a wedding split like this. I know someone who had their 'wedding' on a greek island this summer but only went to the registry office 3 months later. They consider the first date their wedding day!!

PP seem to think the parents were only happy to pay towards the wedding if it was 'legal' but there's nothing OP wrote that suggests that. It sounded that they were upset not to go to the legal bit which is understandable but completely over the top.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 30/08/2019 08:46

Having a separate legal service is very normal for all kinds of reasons.

Not telling your parents is really really odd.

Millie2017 · 30/08/2019 08:47

OP you start your post “so got married yesterday”.
No, you got married last week.
And there’s your problem.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 08:48

No @Hollycatberry, they were upset about being deceived.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/08/2019 08:49

You should have told them and invited your parents to the legal bit at least.

GorkyMcPorky · 30/08/2019 08:51

You've created this issue. Why didn't you just tell your parents the situation beforehand? Very silly. It's fairly obvious that at a conventional ceremony there'd be witnesses to the signing of the register, so the absence of that aspect would have made it obvious that your wedding day wasn't your legal marriage ceremony anyway.

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