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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:

summersherewishiwasnt · 30/08/2019 07:48

Yabu to lie to your parents if the paid.
It’s your wedding is the default response in here, but it really isn’t only about you and your intended or why celebrate at all?

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 07:48

Our registry office offers a package specifically for this. The "legal" bit is just that. The ceremony after is the bit people actually want to see like vows and rings.

Im baffled that people seem to be so outraged about something so normal.

Beebeezed · 30/08/2019 07:48

Some people don’t seem to be understanding the post. The legal side is very unromantic and dull. I did it the same was you OP. I’d have been livid, complain please!

BaronessBomburst · 30/08/2019 07:48

Well, you behaved appallingly and I've no sympathy for you. You have effectively lied and conned people. Your parents believed that they were paying for a wedding, which turned out not to be.
You should have explained that the legal paperwork was going to be done beforehand, or even invited them to that too. I'd be angry and upset at being tricked like that.

User147897643556 · 30/08/2019 07:49

Congratulations OP!

Just forget about it. A complaint isn’t going to change anything for you or your family now. Ignore any family members trying to upset you the day after your wedding (whether they think you’re being unreasonable or otherwise).

AuntieStella · 30/08/2019 07:49

You appeared to marry in a ceremony which was unlicensed and therefore not legal, and someone asked an entirely reasonable question, and the celebrant was bound to answer truthfully, and your parents became aware.

My first reaction is that he venue had never heard of thus gphapoening before simply because no-one else has attempted to cover it up to the extent you have.

Did you really not think how hurtful it is to your parents to not even have been told? You made an error of judgement. Don't cars around for someone else to blame, but also don't let your bad feelings fester and cloud everything else about the day

44PumpLane · 30/08/2019 07:49

I totally get why you did what you did.... You wanted to get married at the beautiful venue of your choice, but the legal signature was not allowed at your venue so you sorted the paperwork the week before and had your wedding and got married (for all intents and purposes) surrounded by family and friends.

My cousin had to do this as she was having a single sex wedding in a country where it wasn't technically legal.

It made her wedding day no less her wedding day.

YANBU to be angry, this situation was created by the officiant. If she didn't want to be part of the secrecy she could have said and turned down the gig.

wowfudge · 30/08/2019 07:50

It's always someone else's fault isn't it? Not yours because you wanted some fake service at the venue. The marriage part is the most important. No wonder your parents were upset.

Soontobe60 · 30/08/2019 07:51

I think it's really shit that you didn't at least give them the option to come to the registry office if they wanted to see you actually get married. No wonder they were all upset.

When you book a register office wedding, you have to state if you're going to have guests other than your witnesses. This limits the times when you can get married, increases the cost and makes it a whole different thing. You'd be pressured into getting new outfits, having extra time off work, maybe having a meal afterwards etc, all because of a legal formality. Give the PP a break!

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 07:51

Everyone understands the post. I have attended several ceremonies like this myself. Lying to your parents and pretending it is a legal wedding when it isn’t, isn’t that.

lovemenorca · 30/08/2019 07:52

You got married yesterday

And here you are on mumsnet the following morning posting your disappointment about something

I genuinely feel sad for you

Bouffalant · 30/08/2019 07:53

This is perfectly standard OP, loads of people do it this way. You go sign all the legal papers at the reg office, then have the "actual wedding" with the celebrant.

I think a few posters above think you had a secret wedding. Why the bloody hell did mil ask? The celebrant should have kept her gob shut and said she didn't know. But I'm not sure if they're allowed to "lie", as it's legally a matter of public record.

Mil caused it, but I'd still ask the celebrant why she engaged in the conversation. She should have excused herself and removed herself from the conversation.

BaronessBomburst · 30/08/2019 07:53

Yes, lots of people do do this. It is normal to have the legal bit separately to the celebration.
But most people don't lie about it and cover it up.
That's the problem and that's why her family are hurt.

MrsEricBana · 30/08/2019 07:53

Sly
WTAF? Of course it's not sly. You have done nothing wrong at all. This is commonplace. I think you are correct to complain as you officially asked the celebrant not to say and she did. Of course you weren't sly!! Congratulations on your marriage.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2019 07:53

I've never heard of this before.

So Registrars come and do a fake second ceremony at a prettier venue?

Bizarre!

Notonthestairs · 30/08/2019 07:54

If asked a question the celebrant couldn't lie about it.
You could have explained this to your parents between the legal bit and the fun bit.

Now get on and enjoy your honeymoon.

Soontobe60 · 30/08/2019 07:54

It's always someone else's fault isn't it? Not yours because you wanted some fake service at the venue. The marriage part is the most important. No wonder your parents were upset.

Fake service! Wow, you're a nasty piece aren't you. Have you actually sat in a registry office wedding where there are no guests, just witnesses? It's as exciting as buying a bus ticket! The parents haven't missed out on anything. Trust me, I know.

neverornow · 30/08/2019 07:55

I know lots of couples who have done this, it's just a formality to get the official paperwork sorted. None of our family were invited to by DB's registry office marriage and we didn't bat an eyelid.
Explain to the parents that it was purely a formality and that yesterday was the actual, real wedding day.
The celebrant should not have said anything but I don't think it's much use complaining as it can't undo the upset.
I hope it didn't spoil your day

FudgeBrownie2019 · 30/08/2019 07:56

I think a few posters above think you had a secret wedding.

They did have a secret wedding. Nobody bar the celebrant knew they'd married a few days previously; they'd let their parents believe that yesterday was to be their wedding. That's lying, however you paint it.

sailorcherries · 30/08/2019 07:56

Did she say "oh did you know itsalltoomuch got married beforehand?" or was it in the course of a conversation and it came up?

This is your one wedding but this celebrant will conduct many weddings and it will be difficult to remember who knows, who doesn't and so on when it's something like this. I doubt she'd have it written on her printed ceremony notes in case someone noticed.

FilthyforFirth · 30/08/2019 07:57

Why wouldnt you tell your parents what you were doing? Seems so odd to lie about it. My parents would be devestated, as would most. It is the lying that is so weird.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 07:57

@Soontobe60
When you book a register office wedding, you have to state if you're going to have guests other than your witnesses. This limits the times when you can get married, increases the cost and makes it a whole different thing. You'd be pressured into getting new outfits, having extra time off work, maybe having a meal afterwards etc, all because of a legal formality. Give the PP a break!

All untrue. All wrong. All nonsense.

The reason I know is that I didn't do any of that.

When you book a Registry Office wedding you automatically have space for around 30 guests and it's up to you if you want to ask that many people or not. There is zero obligation to inform the registry office in advance.

We booked the cheapest slot available, and having booked it we emailed our parents and said "we're going to be getting married at this time and place and you're welcome to come along if you want to but but no pressure."

as for the idea that you would need to buy new outfits in order for your own parents to come along for a few minutes and see you complete a legal formality?!!

I can't imagine why anyone would think that was necessary. we just wore our normal clothes.

but all of our parents DID choose to come, even on a rainy January morning, because funnily enough it was important to them to see their children actually get married.

So I reiterate that it was really shit of the Op to not give her parents that choice and let them make their own decision. And then to try to force other people to lie on her behalf. Also shit

Karwomannghia · 30/08/2019 07:57

I know quite a few couples who got married in a registry office with random witnesses and then had their wedding in a beautiful place after with all their guests which was considered their actually wedding. However we did know they were already officially married.
She shouldn’t have said anything.

Buyitinbamboo · 30/08/2019 07:59

It's a normal way of doing things but most people don't lie to their parents about it! That's the main issue here

DocusDiplo · 30/08/2019 07:59

I'm sorry your special day was ruined. I am sure a genuine heart to heart with both parents will smooth things over. I would be majorly pissed off at the "celebrant".

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