Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:
butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 08:15

Signing the paperwork is the legal marriage paperwork - so the marriage.
The wedding is the celebration - the personalised vows, family celebration, meal etc.

londonrach · 30/08/2019 08:16

I think most parents would be very upset about this. Why didnt you just invite your parents to your actual wedding then enjoy the party a couple of days later. It is common to do this but people invite close family to both events. Congratulations by the way

butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 08:16

Quite often guests attending a wedding led by a Celebrant do not realise its not a legal ceremony- but those paying usually do...

Frazzled2207 · 30/08/2019 08:17

You were very U to expect the celebrant to "pretend" she was actually marrying you when she wasn't

Yabbers · 30/08/2019 08:17

So you got married officially without either set of parents? I think I would be upset if that was one of my children!

Why would it matter to you when they signed the formal bits of paper? A wedding is a celebration of marriage. What does it matter if the admin was done the week before?

If it were my child I’d be happy she found someone she loved, who loved her and was going to be making a life together. How they choose to organise that and celebrate it would be up to them. By the time they become adults I could trust them to do what’s best for them.

TheCraicDealer · 30/08/2019 08:18

Someone carrying out a legal function didn't lie. Sounds right to me.

Well the celebrant wasn't doing anything legal, that's the point! The legal bit was done in the registry office. Point still stands though that you can't expect a professional to lie when asked outright about it.

I know plenty of couples that have done this but they have all had their parents at the "official" ceremony and then had a nice meal or something after, even if they haven't let on to the other guests. Obviously to you it wasn't important and a bit of a non-issue, but I just find it bizarre that in the months or years of wedding planning it never came up that actually you'd have to have the legal ceremony somewhere else because your venue couldn't accommodate it, particularly when they were so involved. Just seems like there was an attempt to hide it from them.

Span1elsRock · 30/08/2019 08:18

You would have avoided all of this by being honest in the first place.

If you were my dd, I'd be heartbroken. Let alone having spent a fortune towards a "fake" wedding, which is essentially what you did yesterday.

You both need to say sorry to both sets of parents and fast.

Ragwort · 30/08/2019 08:18

What was the context of your MIL talking to the celebrant? Are they friends? Confused.

Regardless of how you choose to organise your wedding, it was wrong of the celebrant to discuss the details with your MIL unless she was put in a position where she couldn’t lie. And aren’t legal marriages listed somewhere public so that anyone can view the names of people getting married?

Personally, I don’t see the importance of watching people make their legal ‘vows’, I didn’t invite my DPs to the actual register office ceremony, but I did tell them about it and invited them to lunch afterwards so nothing was ‘secret’, and we paid for everything ourselves.

I hate the stress over weddings, I would honestly be delighted if my DS eloped.

Gazelda · 30/08/2019 08:19

I think you made a mistake in misleading your families.
But it's happened now, explain your reasonings to your parents and move on.
And for goodness sake get off MN! You got married less than 24 hours ago and should be basking in wedded bliss, not grumbling to online strangers about something that really shouldn't overshadow the happiness of your new marriage.

Ragwort · 30/08/2019 08:19

Span, seriously, you’d be ‘heartbroken’ if your DD married secretly Hmm?

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 08:20

Your new husband’s the sensible half of your partnership, isn’t he? Why on earth did you both decide to deceive your parents? They could have been the witnesses at your registry office ceremony and it would a lovely intimate way of uniting two families. Instead you decided to lie to them. What a brilliant way to start a marriage.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2019 08:20

Ok. Never ever heard of this before. Accept that it's a 'thing' now. - all the nice venues near me or I've attended have been licensed.

But afaics, the marriage was the first day. The party was the second.

All the Legal Stuff is the wedding/marriage.

And I don't get why it was a secret if it's so common theses days.

Littlechocola · 30/08/2019 08:21

Why are you on mumsnet the morning after your wedding?!

butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 08:21

Can I just point out that a Celebrant led wedding is NOT a fake wedding - no more than any religious or spiritual ceremony. It is just an alternative ceremony that a allows personalisation rather a fixed structure.

thinkfast · 30/08/2019 08:21

Where I have been to similar weddings the celebrant has announced to everyone at the outset that the legal ceremony has already taken place and that the current ceremony is personal to the bride and groom, but not a lawful marriage ceremony. I think it would be deceitful to hold a ceremony without explaining that. Query whether it might be unlawful to give guests the impression they were witnessing a lawful ceremony when they weren't?

Bitlost · 30/08/2019 08:21

You shouldn’t have lied about it. Your mil was probably confused. And I find that making your parents believe this was the real thing when you actually got married a few days prior is really silly. I completely understand your need for a more fancy ceremony and that’s totally fine. But why lie about it to your guests? It seems a bit self important.

My advice would be to enjoy your new married life, apologise to your parents and leave the celebrant alone.

More importantly, congratulations.

ImportantWater · 30/08/2019 08:22

I can easily see how the celebrant might have mentioned it. For example Mil says “back in my day you couldn’t get married in a barn” and celebrant says “ oh well obviously this isn’t the legal wedding, I am not allowed to do those”. Or Mil says “ those vows didn’t sound like a legal wedding, has the wording changed” and celebrant says “oh well this isn’t the actual legal wedding” - there are loads of ways it could have come up.

HennyPennyHorror · 30/08/2019 08:22

You should have told both sets of parents and asked them to come as witnesses. Then just had the "fake real" wedding with everyone else unaware.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 30/08/2019 08:23

People on here clearly do not understand what a Celebrant led wedding is.

People on here clearly do. The issue isn't the celebrant wedding but the OP lying, and expecting other people to lie for her.

The celebrant didn't hurt your loved ones, OP. You did. Turn your anger where it belongs.

Buddytheelf85 · 30/08/2019 08:23

Loads of posters missing the point. Of course it’s common to do this, everyone knows that m. What’s less common is lying to close family about it for no obvious reason.

InsertFunnyUsername · 30/08/2019 08:24

It was never going to work out, and you would have had to keep the "secret" forever. I would just apologise to everyone and explain you didn't mean it maliciously. And there is no point complaining, you shouldn't have put her in tha position tbh.

But i am surprised people would stop talking to their DC over this, its dramatic all round.

InDubiousBattle · 30/08/2019 08:24

Why didn't you just tell your families beforehand op? I imagine some fairly commonplace questions couldn't be answered by the celebrant without her having to lie for you.

kaytee87 · 30/08/2019 08:26

I didn't think you could get married in secret? Marriages are public affairs that anyone can witness afaik.
Does the celebrant know your mum though? I'm trying to understand why they would have been in contact and how she told her.
I don't understand why you didn't just invite your parents to witness.

Pekkanekka · 30/08/2019 08:26

*This is perfectly standard OP, loads of people do it this way. You go sign all the legal papers at the reg office, then have the "actual wedding" with the celebrant.

I think a few posters above think you had a secret wedding. Why the bloody hell did mil ask? The celebrant should have kept her gob shut and said she didn't know. But I'm not sure if they're allowed to "lie", as it's legally a matter of public record.*

This👆

Tonnerre · 30/08/2019 08:27

YANBU to be angry, this situation was created by the officiant.

No, the situation was caused by OP. There was no logical reason for keeping the truth from the parents, and it's silly to assume you can keep it quiet. At any point the parents were liable to notice that no-one had signed a register; or one of the guests could have pointed out that the venue wasn't licensed and asked when you were having or had already had the official ceremony.

Swipe left for the next trending thread