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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:

sailorcherries · 30/08/2019 08:00

And no one is disagreeing that the legal side was the formality and 'dull' or that many people do it.
We are disagreeing with the lying and secrets that went along with it. Most people would be very honest about it, especially to parents who are paying for the wedding.
The other posters who have attended similar weddings have all known the formalities have already taken place, which is entirely different.

Soontobe60 · 30/08/2019 08:01

@Nanny0gg

No, the registrar does not come to the venue as the venue isn't not licensed to hold legal weddings. A Celebrant does the ceremony. They meet the couple several times beforehand to decide what to put in the service, it's very personal to the couple and will include things from the wedding party too if wanted. For example, my DDs celebrant spoke to both mothers, bridesmaids and best man weeks beforehand to get a good idea of the couple. She met with the couple twice beforehand, once at the venue, and the ceremony was so personal to them. You don't get that with a register office, or a registrar at a wedding venue. It's very impersonal.
What the OP has done is very common in Hindu and Muslim weddings.

rededucator · 30/08/2019 08:02

Lovemenorca that was my first thought too. This celebration that you parents and in laws finished a matter of hours ago, it's 8am UK time,and you're on MN and thinking about letters of complaint. I feel sad for you and your new husband.

diddl · 30/08/2019 08:02

I thought that a celebrant couldn't legally marry people?

So if you had a celebrant then there would already have been a legal bit?

rededucator · 30/08/2019 08:02

*parents and in-laws heavily contributed to

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 08:02

@Bouffalant

This is perfectly standard OP, loads of people do it this way. You go sign all the legal papers at the reg office, then have the "actual wedding" with the celebrant.

Except that you don't just 'sign papers'. You actually make your vows to each other at the registry office.

Which is the actual wedding. Not the "actual wedding", in scare quotes, which is not, in fact, a marriage ceremony.

I think a few posters above think you had a secret wedding

Because she did.

Why the bloody hell did mil ask? The celebrant should have kept her gob shut and said she didn't know. But I'm not sure if they're allowed to "lie", as it's legally a matter of public record.

Nope. Not the fault of the person doing their job and telling the truth, nor the person who for whatever reason asked a question (and was right to ask it, so not that inexplicable really).

But the fault of the person who deliberately deceived their closest family and told a very hurtful and unnecessary lie.

Original poster

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 08:03

Our room at registry office held 4 people including us.

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 08:04

Why didn’t you just tell your parents about the formality wedding? I can’t understand why you would lie, and can’t understand why you can’t understand that this would hurt your parents.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/08/2019 08:04

This happens a fair amount. Three times at weddings I'm aware of, and when we were discussing venues for our wedding, two usually pretty normal people came back to tell us we couldn't legally get married at one - although we could, under a random exception, they'd clearly looked into it.

If someone asked the celebrant something legal; she couldn't lie. It's a bit different if she just bought it up in the ceremony (which happened at one of the weddings I was at; he said we were blessing the vows they'd made in the Summer and there was a tense moment before he carried on!) but it sounds like someone asked.

I'm sorry it affected your day but it's one of those occasions you have to be honest about. It sucks, but it's the major downside of having a venue that can't legally be used, or getting married intimately before you have a bigger party. Plus weddings are public record and it's pretty easy to get hold of details on them now; people want to record them on family trees and things - it would have always come out in the end.

I hope you can bounce back from this and enjoy being a newlywed.

NerrSnerr · 30/08/2019 08:05

I'm curious. In the pretend wedding did you sign a fake register and stuff or was that stuff missed out? I understand doing the vows in front of people but pretending to do the legal stuff seems odd. If you didn't do the signing of the register people would have asked questions.

LizzieSiddal · 30/08/2019 08:05

Surely your parents arent stupid?

They would know your wedding wasn’t legal with the celebrant as the things they say would miss out all the “legal” jargon.

Also the celebrant can’t lie to people. If someone asked them a question about the legalities- did you really expect them to tell porkies? You and your H have told lies to everyone but don’t expect others to follow suit.

You were mad to think you could get away with this!

Piffle11 · 30/08/2019 08:05

I’m sure the Celebrant wouldn’t have said anything IF they weren’t asked, but if someone asked them about a technical issue, the license, or knew them ... well, I completely understand why they wouldn’t/ couldn’t lie. What if someone knew that the venue was unlicensed and mentioned it to MIL? She could then have gone and asked the Celebrant... and what are they supposed to say? It’s not as though the Celebrant would have said to MIL ‘guess what? They actually got married last week - this is just pretend.’ If you feel you need an answer then send the email, but don’t go in all guns blazing, as you may find out they were backed into a corner. Explain your reasons to family: hopefully they will get over it. And congratulations!

Quartz2208 · 30/08/2019 08:06

Your DH is right you had perfectly good reasons this was the venue you wanted but you needed to do the legal bit but in your eyes this was the wedding. So tell them. The fact she told them doesn’t escape the fact it was the truth

The other thing is that maybe she just said she was a celebrant and your mil worked it out

LizzieSiddal · 30/08/2019 08:08

Instead of complaint to the celebrant, spend the time phoning your parents and families and apologising for taking them for idiots and thinking you could string them along in big fat lie.

00Sassy · 30/08/2019 08:09

I’ve been to a couple of weddings where the bride and groom were already legally married.
I’d honestly play it right down as a formality.
Just casually say ‘yeah, they can’t officially actually marry anyone there so everyone just gets the legal bit out of the way beforehand’

It’s honestly not a big deal and the legal ‘marriage’ wasn’t your wedding celebrations so nobody ought to feel left out for any reason.

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2019 08:10

Someone carrying out a legal function didn't lie. Sounds right to me.

However the OP and her partner accepted money from both their sets of parents to pay for the wedding (assuming that's what "they contributed a lot" meant) and lied. Doesn't sound right to me.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 08:10

@Itsalltoomuch19

Our room at registry office held 4 people including us.

So then your options were to either book a slightly bigger room if you knew they'd want to be there, or at a bare minimum to at least be honest with your parents and in-laws.

Instead of deliberately trying to deceive them and then getting angry with other people who won't collaborate in your lies.

Perhaps if you'd been honest you would be spending your first morning as a married woman cuddling with your new husband instead of posting angrily on mumsnet trying to blame other people for your bad decisions.

butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 08:11

People on here clearly do not understand what a Celebrant led wedding is. It is still a wedding and so the parents still paid for the wedding. Signing the legal paperwork at the registry office was not the wedding.

Did you tell the Celebrant not to tell anyone? If so I would email them to say how disappointed you are. If you did not tell them specifically then they are not at fault.

Bunnybigears · 30/08/2019 08:11

Surely it would have been obvious when there was no signing of the register etc?

NerrSnerr · 30/08/2019 08:12

Signing the legal paperwork at the registry office was not the wedding.

What was it then? If they hadn't had the 'celebrant wedding' they'd still be married so it must be a wedding.

Soontobe60 · 30/08/2019 08:12

@Rubicon80

www.manchester.gov.uk/info/200067/marriages_and_civil_partnerships/644/how_to_arrange_a_marriage/2

It clearly states on the above page that if you want to book a ceremony with no guests they have slots available at a reduced rate. The confirmation my DD received also stated that only two witnesses would be allowed in if this option was booked. We, as parents, didn't have that choice. We didn't think it was shit.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 08:12

Nice sophistry. The OP’s parents thought they were seeing two people who were unmarried get married, and they weren’t. It’s not the end of the world but it is a lie, and an unnecessary one.

00Sassy · 30/08/2019 08:13

Although I don’t understand why you kept that part secret either.
But what’s done is done and there’s very little point in this becoming a huge drama.
That would be a very sad start to married life.

LizzieSiddal · 30/08/2019 08:14

Signing the legal paperwork at the registry office was not the wedding.

What would you call it?

To many, the signing of the register is the wedding and legally, it is the beginning of the marriage.

OtraCosaMariposa · 30/08/2019 08:15

I completely agree that this isn't a terribly unusual way of doing things. I was at a church wedding in Germany last year, over there the only way of legally marrying is at the Town Hall. So if you want a church ceremony or any other type of service it's standard to do the town hall stuff one day and then the "wedding" next. There's nothing wrong with doing things that way if it suits you for whatever reasons.

The difference is the secrecy. OP lied and tried to hide the fact that they were in fact already married and tried to fool everyone into thinking that the "barn" wedding was the official one. Then for whatever reason she was caught out and is now trying to blame everyone else.

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