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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:
butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 08:51

To be honest a lot of the responses about the wedding being fake etc may be exact examples of why they didn't tell people.....

Having said that, as your parents were paying for the wedding it would have been better to have been open about the process.

PrincessScarlett · 30/08/2019 08:52

I really don't understand why you both lied to your parents rather than being up front. Your lying has made it a bigger deal than it needed to be.

The celebrant could have unintentionally let slip in a number of ways. Did they even know who your parents were? Your parents could have overheard or picked up on something.

I wouldn't complain to the celebrant but would try and repair the damage done by you not being upfront with your parents.

EmrysAtticus · 30/08/2019 08:53

I would be upset if DS did this although I wouldn't make a scene! For me the most important part of a wedding is the moment that the couple legally become husband and wife. I really don't like the receptions afterwards and would happily only attend wedding ceremonies and skip the receptions.

For me the moment a couple exchange the legal vows and sign the register is one of transformation and I would hate to miss that moment for my child. I would be particularly upset if I had thought I was paying to witness that moment and it then turned out I hadn't!

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2019 08:53

Let's actually ask the OP a question and see if she comes back to answer it:

Why did you want it kept secret from both sets of parents?

ChicCroissant · 30/08/2019 08:54

You lied to your parents and got caught out, OP. This is entirely down to you - your parents thought they were seeing you get married and contributing to your wedding but they were not. You had already married so the wedding had been and gone. You need to see it from their point of view.

Can you offer to pay them back, even if it is over a period of time?

I'm hoping this thread isn't true tbh, because it is such a cliche of someone putting the venue above the actual ceremony and guests! Also, if you are expecting someone else to lie about what you are doing then it's fairly obvious that it is unreasonable, massively unreasonable!

ArsenicChip · 30/08/2019 08:55

Your actual marriage was the quick boring legal bit. Your wedding was just an expensive overblown party. I think your parents have every right to be sad. Not telling them and inviting them was pathetic.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/08/2019 08:59

I just can’t understand why you didn’t pick a venue you could get married at. Especially as you knew it would mean a lot to your families who were also contributing a lot.

womenspeakout · 30/08/2019 08:59

You didn't get married yesterday, you got married the other week, yesterday was just an expensive party, and those who love you most and contributed so much (both sets of parents) missed that moment.

You've been walking around married for a week and didn't tell them.

It's kind of on you not the woman who was just being honest. I can understand why they feel bad, they missed their children getting married.

butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 08:59

cliche of someone putting the venue above the actual ceremony and guests!

Celebrant ceremonies are more personalised, more couple focused and often more family involved than a registrar ceremony- which is why more people are opting for them whether a venue is licensed or not.

Most people comment how lovely and 'better' a Celebrant Ceremony is over a traditional registrar ceremony so it's not fair to state the venue has been put above the ceremony. The issue here is the openness about the alternative ceremony to those close and paying for the wedding day.

Sarahlou63 · 30/08/2019 09:00

As my old granny used to say 'be sure your lies will find you out'.

100% your fault OP - hopefully you (and your partner, who I presume also lied?) will plead mea culpa.

PuppyMonkey · 30/08/2019 09:01

GrinGrin yeah OP, you DECEIVED people, you ungodly wench. The Lord will strike thee down for shame.

Or, you know, who gives a shit really?

womenspeakout · 30/08/2019 09:01

I just can’t understand why you didn’t pick a venue you could get married at. Especially as you knew it would mean a lot to your families who were also contributing a lot.

It's all about the aesthetic now, this place was probably quite beautiful, but useless as a place to get married, which is what the day's actually about.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 30/08/2019 09:01

What an excellent way to create drama and tension in what should have been a straightforward, happy day.

justmyview · 30/08/2019 09:02

A - Formal legal steps in registry office, followed by wedding celebration / party with more vows = fine

B - Formal legal steps in registry office, followed by a wedding celebration that you PRETEND is the legal wedding = deception = not fine at all

It's the deception that's caused the problem

OtraCosaMariposa · 30/08/2019 09:03

Or, you know, who gives a shit really?

Her parents clearly give a shit.

There's nothing wrong with choosing whatever wedding you want,having the legal bit first, having a celebrant wedding, having whatever kind of wedding. It's all good. But the issue is that she was trying to kid on that yesterday was the marriage ceremony when it clearly wasn't. And then trying to blame the celebrant for it.

OrangeSwoosh · 30/08/2019 09:04

We did this. It gave us the day we wanted and as a bonus, saved thousands as we didn't need a licensed venue. As far as we're concerned, our "illegal" wedding was our actual wedding, the legal wedding was just a formality. We didn't exchange rings, there was no music or readings, the vows were the legal minumum, we literally just turned up in normal clothes and signed the paperwork whilst we were out shopping! (we did invite immediate family though as there was no additional cost to do so because it was within the registry office capacity)

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 30/08/2019 09:05

It sounds like you're pissed off because your and your husbands choices have caused a fall out.

Yes plenty of people do what you chose to do. No I've never heard of anyone keeping it a secret because that's just weird.

It just looks like you wanted the party paying for so you chose not to tell your parents you would already be married. Had you have been upfront from the start they may not have cared or you could have got a slightly bigger room to hold both sets of parents or paid for the party yourselves.

Ohmygoodnessreally · 30/08/2019 09:06

Struggling to see how actually getting married ie signing the papers isn’t ACTUALLY the getting married part, in some posters eyes Grin

OtraCosaMariposa · 30/08/2019 09:06

You didn't "do this" though @OrangeSwoosh as your family knew the score. You weren't trying to pretend to anyone that you weren't legally married already.

InDubiousBattle · 30/08/2019 09:06

who gives a shit really?
The people who paid for it apparently. Op and her dh's parents obviously thought they were going to see their dc get married and we're lied to. Op could have just been honest, had the same wedding etc , just told them about it.

OrangeSwoosh · 30/08/2019 09:07

Just to add, it was obvious ours wasn't legal. She made it clear she was a humanist celebrant (not sure if yours was?) and there was no register to sign and no additional person (registrar) to officiate so it would have been pretty obvious sooner or later if people hadn't already known.

katesalwayslate · 30/08/2019 09:07

I wouldn’t be furious with the celebrant, it’s not that big of a deal. It probably just slipped her mind or she mentioned it by accident. Very weird and OTT of your parents to react like that and risk spoiling the day.

joystir59 · 30/08/2019 09:07

How very odd to not recognise your actual marriage as the point at which you got married!!!

PrincessScarlett · 30/08/2019 09:08

OP, did you actually tell the celebrant not to tell anyone? Forgive me if I've missed it but from your OP it just looks like you explained no one knew but not that you specifically told celebrant to lie for you. So celebrant has done nothing wrong at all.

katesalwayslate · 30/08/2019 09:08

Also if I’m honest it’s a bit weird of you to not just invite your parents to the registry office bit - you can’t really blame the celebrant that you guys told an unnecessary lie and she maybe forgot or accidentally let slip.