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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider trying for DC3 at 46?

164 replies

Hooliesmoolies · 29/08/2019 23:30

I am not sure if I am being ridiculous to consider trying for DC3 at 46 (DC1 is 10 and DC2 is 8). I am not sure if my reasons are ridiculous. Honestly, I just don't think I'm ready for my kids to grow up, or rather I'm not ready to not have little kids. But then I worry that having any more is like replacing the ones I have, and I wouldn't want my children to feel replaced! They get old so fast, although I also love the age they currently are too. I was terrified that having my second would ruin the life of my first (although my reason told me it wouldn't). For my dc, I do worry that were I to actually be able to have a DC3 (which given my age is unlikely), that it would really ruin the lives of DCs 1 & 2 (actually, I think it would be more an issue for DC2). I came from a family of 2, DH came from a family of 3 and has always wanted more children (although not in any forceful way). AIBU to think about trying for DC3? Has anyone else had that 'my-kids-are-growing-so-fast-and-it-is-my-last-chance-to-have-them' feeling (actually, it was probably my last chance about 5 years ago), and had them? Or not? And has anyone been a sibling in that sort of situation and felt their life was ruined by the late new arrivals? A DC3 would mean very big life changes for everyone (in the way that a new baby changes anything!). We would get very little support from family because my parents are now quite old (not surprising given my age). But, I kind of think that I would happily give up on my career to spend more time with my kids (within reason, because financially I can't be a SAHM).

OP posts:

bloated1977 · 29/08/2019 23:33

I think it's unfair on your other children. There will be an almost 9 year age gap. My DD is 9 now and I love that she is becoming more independent and I think she would hate me for bringing a newborn into the household.

TheFastandCurious · 29/08/2019 23:34

I think it’s highly unlikely you’d fall pregnant by natural conception anyway. If you do, you are very likely to miscarriage. For those reasons alone I think it’s a bad idea to put yourself through it.,

user1473878824 · 29/08/2019 23:36

There will be probably a 12 year age gap between DSS and any children we have. I’ve never considered that “unfair” and it wouldn’t be.

RandomMess · 29/08/2019 23:42

It's a bit insane tbh! It's your hormones talking plus adjusting to the realisation that your life is changing as they grow up...

BizzzzyBee · 29/08/2019 23:43

Speaking as someone who effectively lost a parent because they had to dedicate themselves to caring for a severely disabled sibling - don’t do it. At your age there’s a high chance of the baby not being healthy, and that’s a lifetime commitment for you and potentially for your DC after you pass. My DS has effectively lost a grandparent too.

Eh1112 · 29/08/2019 23:45

There is a little under 10 years between me and my youngest sibling. I loved being a big sister again at an age where I could really appreciate and play an active role in caring for the new baby. I don't remember ever feeling jealous or that life was unfair. We have a lovely bond now too.

Original poster

Hooliesmoolies · 29/08/2019 23:46

@bloated1977 that is one of my big concerns! I worry my youngest would be devastated. However, I know it does happen, and part of me wonders if kids adapt okay. I'm kind of assuming they must. I kind of wonder if it is different for step children @user1473878824 - perhaps because I feel like it is easier for kids to understand why you might think about having more kids. I wonder if my 2DC (and in particular my youngest) might feel like they weren't enough. And I wonder if that is what I'm saying??

@TheFastandCurious I know that is true. My first two were conceived very quickly, which doesn't mean anything I guess 8 years later. I was sort of thinking that if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen. But making the decision to try clearly would mean I would be disappointed if it didn't happen, even if I know it is so incredibly unlikely at this age.

OP posts:

HattieMcNastie · 29/08/2019 23:47

I think so.

My mum was full of energy at your age. She's now 55 and struggles to even have the energy to entertain her grandkids for a few hoursi know every one is different but I couldn't imagine her having a 9 year old and doing school runs and things!

RandomMess · 29/08/2019 23:48

Increased risk of multiples as your ovaries Chuck eggs out in desperation.

Glances at triplet DNS conceived naturally at 46...

user1473878824 · 29/08/2019 23:50

@Hooliesmoolies that makes sense. Sorry I get a bit bristly @bloated1977!

GetRid · 29/08/2019 23:51

It's your hormones speaking. Last chance saloon before they conk out and you have the menopause.

I have had similar thoughts myself at 42, my DC are similar age to yours, but it wouldn't be fair on them. The baby would be like an only child as your older children would be leaving home when it was still under 10. Sorry but it's true!

So many other reasons not to do it too.

Northernsoullover · 29/08/2019 23:53

As has been said I would be really worried about the child not being healthy. I have two children with SN. The younger has slightly more complex needs. Its fine, we are getting on with life he's 14 now but I am 47. I could not do it now. I worry about his future and I would be concerned that at the age of 60/61 there is no guarantee of my own health being good. In this case I'd say if it aint broke...

Original poster

Hooliesmoolies · 29/08/2019 23:54

@RandomMess you made me smile. I think you are so right. My only doubt is that so many other people do do it, maybe it IS the right idea? Although in fairness people do not generally do it at 46 (not sure if that is that because biology won't allow it, or because it is a crazy idea).

@BizzzzyBee so hat is something I have considered too. Perhaps it is wrong to think that scans and genetic testing available now would help to understand what decision we were making. I know the chances are much higher, and that is also why the chances of miscarriage are high.

OP posts:

Ruralretreating · 29/08/2019 23:56

I’m 42, expecting DC3. DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 4. I was really worried as DS1 had trouble adjusting to DS2 but they are both super excited about DC3-to-be. Scans and tests all good re health. We’d decided to stick at 2 but reversed our decision as we were both very unhappy with it.

EvilEdna1 · 29/08/2019 23:56

As your children get older they still need you so much. More so in some ways. If you throw a baby into the mix it does change how you can be there for them. Also days out and holidays and weekends are so hampered with a baby and toddler when your older kids want to do stuff geared towards their age group.

thunderandsunshine01 · 29/08/2019 23:58

Kids adjust to change really well, so I wouldn’t be worried about your current children coping so much. I just don’t think it it’s fair to have kids that late in life. My dad was in his late 60’s by the time I was a teen and I remember not Letting anyone around my house because I was so embarrassed! Also think about how much you Still have to enjoy of your current children and the things you will get to watch them accomplish as they do grow up (marriage, careers, degrees, grandkids) each stage of parenthood is fab in its own right. Unfortunately, if you were to have another bub now they’d be no guarantees you’d be around to see some of those important life events for dc3.

ParkheadParadise · 30/08/2019 00:01

I wouldn't do it.

I have a 23 age gap between my dd's.

I'm 42, no way would I want anymore kids now.

MyOtherProfile · 30/08/2019 00:02

Apart of me wants to say go for it. Part of me wants to scream YOU ARE MAAAAAD! I was 39 with my last and I've been exhausted since she was born.

Original poster

Hooliesmoolies · 30/08/2019 00:02

Ahhhhh. You guys speak so much sense. These are the reasonable thoughts going round my head.

And on the other hand @GetRid, you are so right about that last chance saloon feeling.

I started thinking about it the other day when my little baby was very much acting as though he was no longer my little baby (which is clearly entirely reasonable, he is growing up).

And then some friends came round and started talking about perimenopause.

It really is that I don't feel like I'm ready for this all to be over so soon. I love my babies so very much, and it is wonderful watching them grow up, but they will be gone so soon. Is making that last longer a good reason to have more? However, it would NOT be worth it if my children felt rejected in anyway. @Eh1112 them all getting on would be my dream.

@RandomMess triplets would be my nightmare!!! We have a family history of twins. But I'm kind of thinking at this age, the chances of getting pregnant once would be hard enough, let alone twice!

OP posts:

edgeofheaven · 30/08/2019 00:04

Sorry but at 46 it’s extremely unlikely and if it even happened the risk of complications and developmental problems is much increased. You’re just facing the end of your fertile years and panicking. It’s too late for you.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 30/08/2019 00:05

Good luck to you. I’m 46 and have a 3 year-old. Don’t want him to be an only but we had to have IVF for him and I have not used contraception since he was born, not a sniff of another pregnancy. I have no known fertility issues other than age.

SweetMelodies · 30/08/2019 00:06

What are the actual statistics for getting pregnant at 46 naturally?

It’s a personal choice and personally, I’d be enjoying the new stage of family life with your kids being the age they are. I just feel bringing a baby/toddler into the mix really really limits things- days out, what kind of holidays and travel is suitable, how everyday life is structured. Then going through a good decade (and more) of having children at totally different life stages.

Original poster

Hooliesmoolies · 30/08/2019 00:14

The having another decade of kids is what I like the idea. Although I hear you I was thinking about how it would potentially impact on my kids. It would change holidays. It would change dynamics. And it would change my availability for them.

I was 35 for my first and 37 for my second. I think what is fooling me is that 8 years later, i don't really feel different. Less tired (both were dreadful sleepers), but not so different. Arrgghh. Head very much says NO. Heart (or hormones) keep bleating YES.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hooliesmoolies · 30/08/2019 00:14

@SweetMelodies it is between 0-1%. So VERY unlikely....but not impossible.

OP posts:

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 30/08/2019 00:17

Personally I wouldn't although I can't say it never crossed my mind

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