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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider trying for DC3 at 46?

164 replies

Hooliesmoolies · 29/08/2019 23:30

I am not sure if I am being ridiculous to consider trying for DC3 at 46 (DC1 is 10 and DC2 is 8). I am not sure if my reasons are ridiculous. Honestly, I just don't think I'm ready for my kids to grow up, or rather I'm not ready to not have little kids. But then I worry that having any more is like replacing the ones I have, and I wouldn't want my children to feel replaced! They get old so fast, although I also love the age they currently are too. I was terrified that having my second would ruin the life of my first (although my reason told me it wouldn't). For my dc, I do worry that were I to actually be able to have a DC3 (which given my age is unlikely), that it would really ruin the lives of DCs 1 & 2 (actually, I think it would be more an issue for DC2). I came from a family of 2, DH came from a family of 3 and has always wanted more children (although not in any forceful way). AIBU to think about trying for DC3? Has anyone else had that 'my-kids-are-growing-so-fast-and-it-is-my-last-chance-to-have-them' feeling (actually, it was probably my last chance about 5 years ago), and had them? Or not? And has anyone been a sibling in that sort of situation and felt their life was ruined by the late new arrivals? A DC3 would mean very big life changes for everyone (in the way that a new baby changes anything!). We would get very little support from family because my parents are now quite old (not surprising given my age). But, I kind of think that I would happily give up on my career to spend more time with my kids (within reason, because financially I can't be a SAHM).

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 30/08/2019 01:53

You are being unfair, in my opinion. Why?

Enjoy what you have, many people can't have children and you have been blessed,

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 30/08/2019 02:11

It's your hormones speaking. Last chance saloon before they conk out and you have the menopause.

I agree that it might be a case of "last chance saloon!" Grin
I'm 45 and also feeling broody and sentimental about babies and young children as my own DD(14) and DS (11) are now tall and grouchy!

I have two friends who had their third children in their mid-40's, one at 45 and the other at 47. Neither regret it (although one was v. shocked and did consider a termination) but it's been exhausting.

Personally, I wouldn't have a third child now, but it might be the right choice for you.

Toneitdown · 30/08/2019 02:26

It's your hormones speaking. Last chance saloon before they conk out and you have the menopause.

I genuinely don't mean to sound patronising but this is so common. I know so many women who have experienced this! So I would consider the possibility that you're feeling the "last chance saloon" effect too.

The only proper reason you have given is that you don't feel ready to not have little kids anymore. That's not much of a reason and I feel like you yourself don't even really think it's a good reason, hence your post.

Obviously it's entirely up to you. I don't agree that it's unfair to your other children, as other posters have suggested, but I do think you should only embark on what will probably be a very emotional, expensive and difficult fertility journey if you have good reasons to.

Blondebakingmumma · 30/08/2019 02:37

There is an 8 and 10 year gap between my sisters and I. As a child I loved to play with them. We get on very well now as adults.

I say go for it!

Time40 · 30/08/2019 02:57

You sound like a lovely mother, OP. I'd say go for it. (My friend had her first and only at 45, and all is well.)

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 30/08/2019 03:05

My husband's grandmother was 46 when she had his dad. When he hit his teens (it was the early 1930's) he was such a handful they sent him to live with his aunt who was very no-nonsense & strict. They thought she could put the fear of god in him but it didn't take. Instead he got into much mischief and even rolled her car.

I was always healthy but when I was 54 I became chronically ill. I couldn't put an 8 year old through that.

If you really want another I think you should try, but get all the genetic testing done if you do become pregnant. Good luck.

Stripyseagulls · 30/08/2019 07:03

I am 46 OP with kids of a similar age and have also felt broody/ weird about the kids growing up.

But, I read somewhere that this is really common in mid life for other reasons too and that its almost preparation for the next phase of our lives where, after menopause, we are free of our child bearing years to explore the things we really want to do and become as women! I like that idea!! Kids always grow up and I think its about coming to terms with that too and not filling that gap with more kids!!

Aprillygirl · 30/08/2019 07:11

Never mind being unfair on your current kids, it'd be unfair on the new one. You'll be the same age as some of the kid's grannies at the school gates. The child will be embarrassed of you when s/he is old enough to realise that you're much older than all the other parents when you are standing on the sidelines frantically trying to fan your hot flushes away instead of joining in the mums race at sports day.

RandomMess · 30/08/2019 07:14

I'm a similar age to you op and both DH and I do feel the same especially as our DC are 14 - 17+ dad that we don't still have younger ones that keep you busy in a different way. Seriously my teens are full on in terms of taxi duties, they are semi nocturnal, you worry about exams and jobs and them at music festivals and their holidays abroad.

I could easily have a couple of pre-schoolers now but the thought of teens in my late 50s 😳😳😳😳

The fact there is a family history of twins 😳

I think it is different when someone has started their family post 40. Truly even if they adore each other they are at different stages when there is a larger age gap.

7to25 · 30/08/2019 07:15

I am 60 with a 15 year old....challenging.

Itsjustmee · 30/08/2019 07:15

I’m 46 couldn’t think of anything worse

OwlBeThere · 30/08/2019 07:17

My cousin was born when my auntie was 46 (and her older kids were in their late 20s/early 30s by then) and they are fine!!

RandomMess · 30/08/2019 07:17

Even after 3 posts from me being negative, honestly I understand the desire!!!! Thank goodness I had to be sterilised Grin

Bookworm4 · 30/08/2019 07:19

The thought of a 13 yr old when you are 60, that’s enough to put me off!!

GaraMedouar · 30/08/2019 07:22

I had the last chance saloon feeling at age 40! Really strong! So had DC3 at age 42. I am a single mother now, age 50 and aware that I'm going to have to plod along in my job until at least 65 if DC3 also chooses university. It's tough but rewarding, I wouldn't change having DC3 for the world. But 46 , and just thinking about trying to get pregnant, you'd be 47- 48 when you give birth, it might take longer to fall pregnant. Difficult. I wouldn't if i was in your position I think.

flapjackfairy · 30/08/2019 07:24

I love kids and have 5 rangeing from 29 to 5. The youngest 2 are foster / adopted ones.
I am mid 50s and can run rings round my younger (grown up ) children in terms of energy. I have 2 with complex needs and get little sleep a lot of the time but I feel great and love it.
We are all different so just because most people don't want little ones at your age doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it.
As others have said you could foster ? I know quite a few oldies like me with v yoing foster / adopted children .

HandsOffMyRights · 30/08/2019 07:43

I'm 46. DC are 13. While I sometimes feel that time is racing away,
the fact is that 46 is too old. Enjoy what you have.

Baguetteaboutit · 30/08/2019 07:43

I don't think that the age gap would be a problem at all really. I think people are completely obsessed by age gaps but that other factors, mostly personality, seem a more reliable factor in the dynamic of a sibling set. I'm ten and eight years older than my brother and sister and I'm as close to them as they are with each other, who have only 18 months between each other.

If you want to have another then you should go ahead and do it. Saying that, I wouldn't have another baby in my 40s. You're made of thought stuff than I am if you're considering it.

Baguetteaboutit · 30/08/2019 07:44

Tougher

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/08/2019 07:52

I couldn't imagine anything worse, but I had DC when I was 22 so not a chance in hell would I want to do it again in my 40s.

dreamsofprovence · 30/08/2019 07:56

Just to throw in an alternative view - all the big age gaps I’ve known have been extremely positive Smile

Witchinaditch · 30/08/2019 07:56

Your children will be fine if you choose to have another, how often do you hear a child or adult for that matter saying my life was ruined by another sibling? If you and your husband feel it’s right go for it but don’t worry that your kids won’t adapt because they will.

Jimdandy · 30/08/2019 08:02

I don’t think it would be fair on your family dynamic and the elder ones would feel left out. It would be a struggle to find days out or activities that you could all do. Suddenly your focus would be elsewhere.

Baguetteaboutit · 30/08/2019 08:10

Bear in mind, there are some full blown anti-natalists who hang out on Mumsnet who, rather than tell you their genuinely held belief that it is best for the environment to not have any/ more children, instead predict all sorts of hazards and difficulties in having a child for all sorts of trivial and unlikely reasons.

RuthW · 30/08/2019 08:18

Absolutely not.

I'n 51 with arthritis and a knee injury I didn't have when I was 46. I don't have the energy now to bring up a baby. Think of the child having a mother old enough to be their grandmother. Add that to the chances of having a disabled child you will not be able to look after for more than about ten years.

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