Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU to consider trying for DC3 at 46?

164 replies

Hooliesmoolies · 29/08/2019 23:30

I am not sure if I am being ridiculous to consider trying for DC3 at 46 (DC1 is 10 and DC2 is 8). I am not sure if my reasons are ridiculous. Honestly, I just don't think I'm ready for my kids to grow up, or rather I'm not ready to not have little kids. But then I worry that having any more is like replacing the ones I have, and I wouldn't want my children to feel replaced! They get old so fast, although I also love the age they currently are too. I was terrified that having my second would ruin the life of my first (although my reason told me it wouldn't). For my dc, I do worry that were I to actually be able to have a DC3 (which given my age is unlikely), that it would really ruin the lives of DCs 1 & 2 (actually, I think it would be more an issue for DC2). I came from a family of 2, DH came from a family of 3 and has always wanted more children (although not in any forceful way). AIBU to think about trying for DC3? Has anyone else had that 'my-kids-are-growing-so-fast-and-it-is-my-last-chance-to-have-them' feeling (actually, it was probably my last chance about 5 years ago), and had them? Or not? And has anyone been a sibling in that sort of situation and felt their life was ruined by the late new arrivals? A DC3 would mean very big life changes for everyone (in the way that a new baby changes anything!). We would get very little support from family because my parents are now quite old (not surprising given my age). But, I kind of think that I would happily give up on my career to spend more time with my kids (within reason, because financially I can't be a SAHM).

OP posts:

Trebla · 31/08/2019 01:02

I think it’s highly unlikely you’d fall pregnant by natural conception anyway. If you do, you are very likely to miscarriage. For those reasons alone I think it’s a bad idea to put yourself through it

Balls.

ShiftHappens · 31/08/2019 08:04

I wonder if I am wrong that the various genetic tests now possible can identify all possibilities. AS would not be identifiable

there are no tested identifying all possibilities. And there are currently no tests whatsoever to dx ASD/AS prenatally.

MyOtherProfile · 31/08/2019 08:40

And there are currently no tests whatsoever to dx ASD/AS prenatally.

Thank goodness for that.

ShiftHappens · 31/08/2019 08:51

Thank goodness for that.

do you have a child at the severe low functioning end of the spectrum and know what it entails to care for such a person 24/7?

MyReadingChallenge · 31/08/2019 09:06

Get a puppy?

My view is warped because I lost my mum when she was 50 so I think I’m more aware of how unfair life can be in this sort of way, so with two happy and healthy children already it seems like madness to me.

Frazzled2207 · 31/08/2019 09:09

I think you're being a bit unreasonable and selfish and it's your hormones talking.

I'm 42 and my youngest is 5 and yes in many ways I'd love one more baby. Doesn't mean it's a good idea though! My thoughts are that I've been very lucky to have two very healthy children, I really don't want to push my luck. I'm too old (not saying that 42 is too old but it is for me). Having an extra kid is an enormous carbon footprint (personally I think two people having two kids is justifiable though of course that's a whole other discussion). It will cost a fortune and we don't have room. Most of all though my kids have a lovely dynamic and I wouldn't want to mess that up.

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 15:15

do you have a child at the severe low functioning end of the spectrum and know what it entails to care for such a person 24/7?

Or even a 'high functioning' one who regularly has 2-hour meltdowns, explodes, blames everything on everyone else, whose obsessions tore your family apart and leave you considering suicide on a regular basis? Because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

MyOtherProfile · 31/08/2019 15:43

do you have a child at the severe low functioning end of the spectrum and know what it entails to care for such a person 24/7?

No I don't, and I can only imagine how difficult that is. But would you really rather a world where ASD can be spotted in utero and the option to abort being there without knowing that the child would be so severe?

Do you know that so many ASD children are not as you describe?

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 16:11

Why is it acceptable with other conditions then? Down's Syndrome can also vary vastly in severity, but no one blinks an eye at screening for that and the choices open to those who have such screening results, as well as a number of other conditions.

MyOtherProfile · 31/08/2019 16:19

I think a lot of people query that too.

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 16:20

They can query all they like, people should have the choice to terminate for such reasons, or any reason.

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 31/08/2019 16:24

Both my parents died in their mid 60’s - both unexpectedly. I was in my 30’s and settled - would have been much more difficult if I’d been 18/19 - worth considering.

ShiftHappens · 31/08/2019 16:28

I am pro choice - in any circumstances. Are you not?

Do you know that so many ASD children are not as you describe?

I have a HF and a LF child. The ASD community is part of my everyday life. I don't need lecturing about ASD. But I also live the reality of a child with low functioning severe ASD on a daily basis and I can tell you - it's not a life. Neither for DC1, nor for me and I will never get my life back as I will be caring until the day I drop.

cptartapp · 31/08/2019 16:34

My friend has just given birth to her second set of twins at 47. Her first set are 16!
Not a decision I'd make.

kenandbarbie · 31/08/2019 16:54

Well I was born when my dsis was 15 dbro 17 and mum 43. I was like an only child from the playing viewpoint, but not from the having a loving close relationship with my siblings viewpoint. We all had a great childhood. I've just had a baby myself at 43 but there isn't as much of a gap (6years to next youngest) as I had the others in my late 30s. However, they absolutely love their dsis. Argue over who gets to sit with next to her in the car, show her off to all their friends, play with her while I'm busy etc etc. she's been a great addition to the family.

kenandbarbie · 31/08/2019 17:05

This is actual offensive bollocks:

Never mind being unfair on your current kids, it'd be unfair on the new one. You'll be the same age as some of the kid's grannies at the school gates. The child will be embarrassed of you when s/he is old enough to realise that you're much older than all the other parents when you are standing on the sidelines frantically trying to fan your hot flushes away instead of joining in the mums race at sports day.

My parents were 43 and 44 when I was born and never once did I feel like this. They probably acted younger than other people that age due to having me and mixing with lots of younger mums and dads. My dad was still active and living a full life into his 80s.

AmeliaE · 31/08/2019 17:07

My mum had me at 41 years old. My brother is 16 years older than me. My sister 9. We had a great relationship but I was raised almost as an only child and they never played with me. The generation gap with my parents is abysmal.
Money wise, my father retired when I was still at uni so that had an impact on the family's finances.
I wouldn't have a baby past 40yo based on my experience but it's down to the mother or parents to choose.

firstimemamma · 31/08/2019 17:11

You're too mature and it's too risky (pregnancy, birth, potential problems with the child) imo.

tomtom1999xx · 31/08/2019 17:15

Chances of getting pregnant (naturally) at your age op are probably nil.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 31/08/2019 17:17

But would you really rather a world where ASD can be spotted in utero and the option to abort being there without knowing that the child would be so severe?

Yes, I'm pro choice

kenandbarbie · 31/08/2019 17:24

I think people are really overstating the chances of special needs, illness in your 60s and dying. Jesus, women have always had children in their 40s, up until menopause. It's natural. It's a different family dynamic, but one that in our family as both a child and as a mother I would recommend.

Another positive, my dnephews and nieces have a great Aunty/cousin relationship with my dc. They are in their early 20s now and my dc under ten. We have also been able to have dnieces and nephews to live with us when they were at college and starting out in jobs for a couple of years, accommodation savings for them and a stepping stone to independence and great role models for our dc. Like a built in family au pair.

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 17:28

I think people are really overstating the chances of special needs,

No, they are not, statistics bear this out, anecdotes are just that. It is very rare to have a healthy, full-term child at that age because well, your eggs are biologically the same age, your uterus is starting to lose its tone (it's not the same as it was at 20 something) and the body is ageing. That's just a fact. It's why IVF clinics won't use a woman's own eggs once she is past 42 and sometimes even younger, there are more chromosomal abnormalities. There is also increasing evidence that the rates of ASD increase with both maternal and paternal age.

soberfabulous · 31/08/2019 17:39

My DH was 45 when our DD was born. He's now 50 with a 5 year old. No one has ever questioned his energy or health (he is incredibly fit.)

Yes I KNOW it's the woman who carries the child etc but I do think it's interesting that men are not scrutinized in the same way as women when it comes to having children later in life.

ChiaraRimini · 31/08/2019 18:17

I'm your age OP and have a similar age gap between DC2 and DC3. DC3 age 8 is in many ways like an only child. She gets quite lonely at home without a sibling to play with so it takes more effort on my part to entertain her, arrange play dates etc. Her elder sibs are more like uncle figures to her now (age 17 and 19). It's quite hard to be dealing with GCSEs, A levels , uni applications at the same time as looking after a primary school DC.
I would obviously not be without her but I think it's quite hard for both of us as a result.

sodrained · 31/08/2019 18:30

My mum decided to have more kids at 42 and 44 she expects us now to babysit whenever she wants a night out, do school runs etc at first we all agreed now she gets told no as they are not our kids. I remember having my DD and changing her nappy and my mum just handing me my brother to change his too as what was one more to me? Horrible experience

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread