AIBU to consider trying for DC3 at 46?

[Hooliesmoolies]

I am not sure if I am being ridiculous to consider trying for DC3 at 46 (DC1 is 10 and DC2 is 8). I am not sure if my reasons are ridiculous. Honestly, I just don't think I'm ready for my kids to grow up, or rather I'm not ready to not have little kids. But then I worry that having any more is like replacing the ones I have, and I wouldn't want my children to feel replaced! They get old so fast, although I also love the age they currently are too. I was terrified that having my second would ruin the life of my first (although my reason told me it wouldn't). For my dc, I do worry that were I to actually be able to have a DC3 (which given my age is unlikely), that it would really ruin the lives of DCs 1 & 2 (actually, I think it would be more an issue for DC2). I came from a family of 2, DH came from a family of 3 and has always wanted more children (although not in any forceful way). AIBU to think about trying for DC3? Has anyone else had that 'my-kids-are-growing-so-fast-and-it-is-my-last-chance-to-have-them' feeling (actually, it was probably my last chance about 5 years ago), and had them? Or not? And has anyone been a sibling in that sort of situation and felt their life was ruined by the late new arrivals? A DC3 would mean very big life changes for everyone (in the way that a new baby changes anything!). We would get very little support from family because my parents are now quite old (not surprising given my age). But, I kind of think that I would happily give up on my career to spend more time with my kids (within reason, because financially I can't be a SAHM).

My DSis is 10 years my junior and she’s brilliant. My other DSis and I have a great relationship with her and each other. I wouldn’t worry about any age gap, or about your older children ‘missing out’ on things you can’t do with them because of having a baby in tow. Those things didn’t register. I went to Disneyland (as an example) in my 20s and had great fun. I went on outings and had a few breaks away with my best friend, or with school via things like DofE.

What you should consider is multiple babies and potential disabilities. Personally I would have definite tests and I wouldn’t try if I couldn’t contemplate ending a pregnancy because of issues. ASD is also much more likely with older parents though.

I wouldn't worry about the impact on your other children - I think they would adapt and probably adore their new younger sibling. I was the youngest of 5 children and there was a 11 year age gap between me and the eldest. No problem. But my Mum was still in her 30s when I was born.

However I would be very worried about the chances of a healthy birth. The odds for an unhealthy foetus went from 1 in 12,000 with my first child at 36 to 1 in 250 at 38. I did in fact lose my first pregnancy at 17 weeks - the baby died in the womb - it had Pataus syndrome (similar to Downs). As it was late on I had to go through induced labour and a D & C. It was traumatic (though I wouldn't have my lovely DS if that baby had lived). When I had the neuchal fold tests for my later pregnancies my Mum questioned me whether I would abort them if the results were not good and I realised that that would not be an easy decision to make. I had 2 miscarriages in the end. They made me very sad.

I also have a friend with a child with Downs. She is a very loved little girl but the responsibility is lifelong and her parents do worry about her future. It does impact on her siblings as more of the parents time and care is spent on his wellbeing despite them wanting to stay the same as a family.

I know this all sounds a bit graphic and negative OP but I wouldn't take the risks lightly. There are very few healthy live births at your age.

My best friend was a last minute daughter to a 47 year old mother and 50 year old father .
Her Mother died when she was 21 which devastated her and she is now main Carer for her father who is nearly 90. This has meant she had to sacrifice her own happiness for her elderly parent , no husband or children of her own , passing up promotions at work .
She once told me she wished her parents hadn't been so selfish to have her at such an older age .

Honestly OP, I think it is not a good idea.

When your DC is a teen, you and DH will be nearing retirement and won't have any money to help them out. That for me is the main thing - finances. At retirement, how are you going to help out your teen go to college and if relevant, Uni? How are you going to feed, clothe etc. when on a pension or reduced hours as you approach retirement?

Also, you will be 47 at least when born. As soon as I hit 47 the peri-menopause hit me. For a lot of women this is hell and they can barely get themselves out of bed, let alone look after DC and a baby!!!

I'm not usually ageist but I've come to a conclusion that women should finish with babies by 42 at the latest.

You’ve already said your 5yo would be devastated if you had another.
I personally think you are too old.

My mum died when I was 17 Pip and she was 50 ... these things can happen at any age, they really can.

I’m also saying this as someone who had my first and only child at 40.
He’s almost 10 and I’m almost 50, and I need energy to keep up with him. If he follows my pattern, I may not be much practical help to him as a grandparent in my eighties.

Don't.
It's the start of menopause making your hormones go crazy. And you really don't want to be menopausal for a few years with a pre-schooler.

You’re an experienced parent who seems to care deeply for children, you presumably have space in your home.. would you consider fostering OP?

Of course fostering in no way equates with raising your biological offspring in what is their permanent family for life (the challenges and rewards of fostering are very different). But it may give you an outlet for the nurturing you still have left in you and a sense of achievement you probably can’t even comprehend right now.

Of course I can’t say whether you would pass the rigorous assessment process or not but most LAs will do an initial home visit to answer any queries you may have, with absolutely no obligation to go ahead with a full assessment.

There's an 11 year age gap between my brother and I and it was absolutely fine so I disagree that your children would resent you! However, whether at 46 you would enjoy "starting over" is a different matter. The woes and risks of ttc, pregnancy, childbirth, the sleep deprivation, the toddler tantrums....? But you've had kids so you know what it's like. And my aunt had her last at 43 and was fine.

No, I wouldn't do it.
As it stands you have ten years to go until both your children are adults. Have another baby and you've added another 9 years to that (counting pregnancy by the way).
It will massively affect your current dcs lives. Mine are 8 & 11 and occasional I look after my toddler niece. She's an absolute angel and we all love her to bits and love spending time with her. On the odd day I babysit though, I obviously have to put her needs above the older ones needs. This is no problem because it's an occasional thing but if i permanently had a baby/toddler to look after, I'd feel really guilty.
Just think, how would you take your older dc to the cinema for example? There's very few activities which would suit all age groups. Or dragging the baby along to their extra curricular activities? What an absolute faff! Or helping them with their homework whilst dealing with a tantrum or changing a nappy?

Your life and your decision.
But having a child at 47 means that at 60 they will only be 13.
Sod that for a game of soldiers.
That child could be living you until you are 70+.
Not a chance.

But each to their own.

But I think that’s what she wants former

Agree with the menopause comments. My mum went through this period of sudden broodiness in her mid 40's. By 50 she was constantly shattered and really struggling with the symptoms of menopause. A toddler thrown into the mix is a ridiculous thought.

Each to their own of course, but I think it's unfair. A friend of mine at school was a surprise baby when his parents were in their mid to late 40s. His siblings were all at least 10 years older than him so he wasn't close with any of them. His mum died in her early 60s when he was 17. And his dad died at 70 when he was 22. Whilst we are all living longer and healthier lives and whilst tragically children do lose their parents at those ages and younger, you are increasing the odds of not being there for your child in early adulthood by having a child so late.

I had my last baby at 41 and I am now 45. I feel exactly the same as you and don't feel old enough to not have little kids and babies.

I still crave babies but I know it would not be sensible at all due to risks. Someone once said to me concentrate on what you have and not on what you could have. So I put all my effort into my children and am really enjoying each stage.

What they said really made sense and I am now sterilised. Now the option to have children has been taken away I feel I can move forward and not always think... What if!

My friend got pregnant at 49. Totally unplanned (their other 3 DC at uni/working away). She drew her pension at 50 (banking) and retired, so ok financially. She has health problems and doesn't feel she fits in to the young mum and tots groups around here.
I think the best way to describe things is that she is "coping" but certainly not living the dream.

There is 7 years between ds13 and ds6, they do get along but I do feel that the eldest is always having to compromise to fit in with the younger one, as an example on holiday he wanted to go to an attraction but could only do the things younger ds could also do as I couldn’t leave a 6 year old stood on his own whilst we went on a rollercoaster. Had a family day out this week to a big outdoor park with rides, park and big water area and he just walked around with us as he feels to old to be in that kind of place now, cinema trips have to be something youngest ds will watch so he does miss out on more. Tbh he never complains about this and I try to make sure he gets some 121 time but as I am the main parent at home during school holidays he definitely gets the short straw

I wouldn’t. Not because of the age gap, the kids will get over it, they may even like it. Different if they were teens, but 10 and 8 is still fine.

What would stop me would be your age. To me 46 is just too old to consider putting yourself through pregnancy and birth. You have two other children to consider should anything happen to you.

Also, do you really want to be 60 with a 13/14 year old?

Your body, your life, your choice of course. But to me it seems like madness.

Honestly I think it's a terrible idea. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
You have two children - make the most of what you have. X

I'm not trying to sound patronising but this is why many families get a puppy when their kids are at this age. This would give you something tiny and cute to nurture as your kids are needing you less. Totally get the desire for more babies though!! 🙂🙂

My SIL has her first at 44 and second and 47! But I appreciate that's not usual.

My eldest two are 20 and 22 and my youngest 8 and 10 but that's due to a different relationship and wanting more with him.
I'm 43 now and fell exhausted at the thought of having a newborn again!
It sounds like a bad idea to me but then who ever has great reasons for having children?!

Be thankful for what you have.

Someone I know succumbed to overwhelming broodiness in less than ideal circs and had DC3 in her 40s with more than 10 years between DC2 & DC3.

Like you, she couldn't afford to be a SAHM but lost her job soon after DC3 was born. It put them up shit creek financially as she has failed to find another job that justifies the child care she now needs and grandparents are too old to help.

Her DC3 is delightful but there were concerns during the pregnancy & in the early months which was very stressful. While I'm sure she doesn't regret DC3 (I fail to see how you can regret a child once they are here), their lives are so much more difficult. Holidays etc are a thing of the past and she will need child-care for another 10 years just as her older ones no longer need it.

Don't do it OP!

Bigger age gaps are fine, I don’t think it’s unfair at all. My eldest was 8 when my youngest was born and they have a wonderful relationship, DC1 absolutely dotes on him.

If you were ten years younger it wouldn’t be a bad thing but at 46 I think you will struggle to conceive naturally. Even if you do there’s a high chance you will miscarry or that the baby would have disabilities. I don’t think it’s worth the stress.

Thank you all so much for your comments and thoughts. Based on the evidence of my children already, it feels like it should be a great decision. It is so hard to think forward. I guess that whilst a child a 60 doesn't sound impossible, if I think to my parents it is the 70s which are really different. In an ideal world, I would want to have a good chance of parenting my kids at least to when they hopefully find a solid healthy long-term relationship. I know they would have each other, but for me, real independence didn't really come until I was emotionally secure (probably at about 34!!!!).

If my oldest has kids when I did I will be 70 when my grand kids are born (if she has them). I want to be a grandparent for her and for them.

I can imagine that the golden age of parenting is 4-12 (although I loved 0-4 too), and whilst I would love more of that, the idea of me wanting that and then as a result, potentially leaving a child in their 20's all alone in the world would be so wrong (only because I would have increased the risk of that happening). Having said that, it is true that could happen at any age. But with everything with an older pregnancy, the chances get bigger.

I really thought about having more when my kids were little, and my conclusion then was that if I could have had a big age gap I would have, but three under 5 or 7 I didn't want (at 40). I loved being pregnant but having two bad sleepers (4 years of waking every night generally more than once) was enough to say no more. At that point I thought that I would be too old in the future.

The fostering idea is an interesting one, but in thinking about it, it makes me think the pregnancy thing is a bad idea. I have friends who have adopted and it has been incredibly hard. Rewarding for both, but incredibly hard. One has done it as a stay at home mum, which wouldn't be an option. There have been so many additional difficulties, and whilst everyone dreams of a healthy neuro-typically child, that is clearly not always the reality. I wonder if I am wrong that the various genetic tests now possible can identify all possibilities. AS would not be identifiable.

Friends have also done the dog thing. One for exactly the kids are getting older reason. My kids are desperate for a dog, but my concern is that it would upset our wonderful cat (and I'd end up the primary poop-scooper).

It is so useful to know that the last chance saloon is a common feeling. I am going to admit something deeply shameful now, because it is the most rediculous, stupid and selfish reason to think about getting pregnant, but there is a small part of me that wants to still be able to have a healthy baby. I want to be able to have Dc1, Dc2 and Dc3 and live in that wonderful family of kids and fun for the next 20 years. Although I also want to stop working full time and spend more time with my kids now. Which is perhaps what I should think about first. I just worry that they will so soon be at the age where they don't want to hang out with me.

Is that the reality of teenage years? Maybe I am facing the double whammy of loosing baby years and loosing my babies with an incorrect idea of what those teenage years will be like. I want to spend so many more years hanging out with them, having fun, and being a family.

And honestly, is that not why people do have more kids when their first ones are a little older?

I think I need you all to tell me that I my kids won't simply hate me as teenagers, and we will be able to spend lots of fun times doing stuff together. And I perhaps do need a dog to adore

My advice as a 46 year old mother of teens? Enjoy each stage as it comes. Live for now.
Mine are only 13 but we still go on holiday, watch films, go on days out (yes they like games and hanging out with friends)

Don't fill the 'hole' with a baby or a dog or anything, because you might always be replacing something. Get to the root of why you feel this 'need' first and find peace there.