AIBU to consider trying for DC3 at 46?

[Hooliesmoolies]

I am not sure if I am being ridiculous to consider trying for DC3 at 46 (DC1 is 10 and DC2 is 8). I am not sure if my reasons are ridiculous. Honestly, I just don't think I'm ready for my kids to grow up, or rather I'm not ready to not have little kids. But then I worry that having any more is like replacing the ones I have, and I wouldn't want my children to feel replaced! They get old so fast, although I also love the age they currently are too. I was terrified that having my second would ruin the life of my first (although my reason told me it wouldn't). For my dc, I do worry that were I to actually be able to have a DC3 (which given my age is unlikely), that it would really ruin the lives of DCs 1 & 2 (actually, I think it would be more an issue for DC2). I came from a family of 2, DH came from a family of 3 and has always wanted more children (although not in any forceful way). AIBU to think about trying for DC3? Has anyone else had that 'my-kids-are-growing-so-fast-and-it-is-my-last-chance-to-have-them' feeling (actually, it was probably my last chance about 5 years ago), and had them? Or not? And has anyone been a sibling in that sort of situation and felt their life was ruined by the late new arrivals? A DC3 would mean very big life changes for everyone (in the way that a new baby changes anything!). We would get very little support from family because my parents are now quite old (not surprising given my age). But, I kind of think that I would happily give up on my career to spend more time with my kids (within reason, because financially I can't be a SAHM).

Like Random my first thought was of the much higher chance of multiples

I personally can’t think of anything worse but my 3DC would be thrilled, particularly DS12. My mum had a very close relationship with her only sister, 9 years older. As do my nephew and niece now both grown up and with the same age gap.

Obviously the decision is yours and your DH. We were undecided after DD10 whether to have another. We’d always said 3 or 4 children but found ourselves quite happy with 2. But I had this feeling that years down the line I’d regret not having a third and got pregnant straight away. Luckily DD 7 was and is really easy and a joy.

We were very content to stop then and DH had the snip and we’ve no regrets. However I’m not sure having a third when you were younger would have helped. Being quite close in age they are all getting older quickly and you’d still be in this situation now with no little one.

Save your energy, you'll be a grandmother in time, and can get your baby fix then.

@HattieMcNastie - I think your mum needs a health check. My youngest is 20 and I'm 52. I don't have any problems running around after him and would be worried if I did.

The age argument against mothers because they'll be exhausted always strikes me as odd when most senior politicians are in their 50s and 60s.

Parenting a child in secondary school can't possibly be more tiring than being head of state surely?

My youngest is 10, not 20! Stupid phone

@OrchidInTheSun “running around” after a 20 year-old? What on earth do you mean?

My youngest is 20 and I'm 52. I don't have any problems running around after him

Just how much 'running around' do you do for him? Does he have you up three times every night? Can you not leave him alone for one minute in case he hurts himself climbing? Are you constantly watching where you put things? Does he say '...but whyyyyy' and 'Mummmeeeee' ad nauseum?

I know you want to relive the 0-12 years (4-12 are the golden years of parenting imo) but your older children are entering the teen years and will need you more - not less. I found the teen years were very intensive parenting years - they needed us in a very important way.

Dh has much younger siblings. He loves them and as adults we all get on really well. But he did spend a lot of his teen years babysitting and I do think his parents ran out of steam a bit with the younger ones - they didn't really have the same childhood dh did.

I am 46 too and would not consider it. Mine are 11 and 15 and whilst I love babies and think another might be great, in reality, I don't fancy parenting a teen when I'm 60!

I was a late baby...my 3 siblings were 8 plus years older than me so they all left home when I hit puberty and to be honest it was really hard being the baby and suddenly having no siblings at home too!

I often felt out of joint and left out as they were all allowed to do things I wasn't.

What about the planet??!!

YANBU but I am 46 and I couldn’t imagine anything worse! Mine are 13 and 10

Your chance of having twins increases massively with age. That plus a family history of it would put me right off in your position!! But it's completely your decision and I understand what you mean 100%.

Let nature guide you? The odds are against you getting pregnant and having complications but if you and your DP and DC are on board, go for it.

Having been broody in my late 40s, I get it as I had both mine late in life.

I wish you the best.

I can’t imagine dealing with a toddler and kids in the throes of exams 😬

I have wondered the odd time though OP. I got pregnant easily twice and come from family on both sides of women getting pregnant older (my gran had twins at 43 and my great gran on the other side had her 5th when she was already a Gran) but not enough to actually try!

It's totally fine to try for another if you want to but if the issue is that you feel sad your kids are getting older what will you do in 10 years time when the next one gets older?

I think your chances of conceiving naturally at 46 are probably not great and you need to be honest with yourself about that.

Lastly, I gave birth to my birth child born in my later 30s, and we adopted in our late 40s, now in my mid fifties my husband and I have very little energy! Fortunately, although our kids are both a lot of work, we are able to cope with our two. I do think it is important to think how you will manage everything. Will giving up work to have another child be financially feasible for you?

Good luck.

Hello being chippy again! I would like to point out that being an only child isn’t the worst thing in the world @GetRid.

It's the very epitome of selfish, for all the reasons you pointed out yourself.

All parenting is selfish, until it starts!

well, usually, people have kids because they want them, then they end up looking after them and serving them for the next XX years!

I had similar feelings to yours and tried again at 44. I had my first ever MC in the second month of ttc and not a sniff since then. It is hard to get pg with your own eggs at your own age but not impossible. Staying pg is also 50:50 but not impossible.

have you considered perhaps fostering? would you? it sort of ticks all your boxes(no experience of fostering but..spekt..0-16 age range)..again(no clue as to facts)but ..may be less of a age/health risk...my boys are 15 yrs age gap.22 body recovery n 37 ,I think im just this shape now..is least of worries....x

My aunt was 46 when she had her youngest naturally and her eldest was away at uni. They’re all very close and have a lovely relationship.
I had my youngest at 42 naturally and my eldest was 8. They’re the best of friends and while they do bicker as siblings do, the love they share is immense! My favourite sibling is also over twenty years younger than me, we’re far closer than the one 4 years younger than me.
I won’t pretend it’s easy when you’re older but I don’t think it’s much harder than having one in your 30s.

Your 46 and you have children aged 8 and 10. At this stage your kids are at a good age as they can do more things for themselves and are not as dependant on you as they were at the baby and toddler stage.
At 46 you have a higher chance of having a child with special needs or have a higher chance of a multiple births. I know several couples with special needs kids and being honest they are all younger than you. They love their sn children but their lives are not easy.
It not only yourself that you gave to consider here re having another child but the 2 children you have already. How would you cope if you had a child with sn? How would having a sn child effect their lives as well?
In the next few years both of your children will be in secondary school which brings its own challenges. Then your children might want to go to college after this and most parents I know will try to help their kids out with these costs. You also have to consider you and your partners long term plan re jobs and retirement. I know people who when they get into their 50's up their payments into pension plans so they have a more comfortable retirement.

Yes I think you are being unreasonable. I think you need to spend time looking up the chances of having a child with downs syndrome or other disabilities at your age, and really really think about the impact that would have on your family,on the time you have for your existing kids, whether you'd both still be able to work etc. Don't just assume it won't happen to you and you'll beat the odds.

That alone should be enough to put you off.

Even if you had a non-disabled child the physical strain of a pregnancy and then a newborn will probably wipe you out for the best part of two years, so need to consider thst on the rest of your family as well. I'm a decade younger than you and pregnant with my third and last child and my goodness this pregnancy has been so much harder and more wearing on my body than the first two, I'm so done.

I would consider adopting or fostering if you still don't feel 'done'. Or if you really feel you want another pregnancy, at your age I would only consider it with ivf and donor eggs, which will reduce the risk of having a disabled child.

Oh OP, this is such a personal thing. I never felt broody until I wanted DC3.

DC was an unplanned baby when I was 31 (and had been with DH for years!), and I had DC2 2 years later as that is what everyone else in the NCT group was doing.

I found 2 small children, being a SAHM, parents and in laws abroad, very tough.

And then DC2 started reception and I thought - oh! I am not ready for this to be over. And had a miscarriage. And then had dc3 when kids were 6 and 8. And I turned 40 three weeks after dc3 born.

And I really enjoyed this baby and the gap made all the difference. It was like having a first born again, as others at school and so much older, but without the stress and post natal depression for me. But man, she was the worst sleeper of them all, and nearly broke me. I am 47 now and look at babies, and think ‘oh how cute, thank goodness that stage is over’. 😉

In terms of age gap- swings and roundabouts. Sometimes we look at the 13 and 15 year old and think ‘if we stopped here, we’d be free!’. But the 7 year old is a real character, and makes us all laugh so much, and in a way makes the older 2 a lot closer.

Being brutally frank... if you were late 30s, I would say go for it. At your current age, I think I would count my blessings and maybe get my baby fix somewhere else...

Everyone bigs up the young years but I was not a massive fan of the preschool years, and really really enjoy my teenagers more than I can articulate. On a good day. 😉

Chances of down's syndrome at 46 are 1 in 30

www.qmul.ac.uk/wolfson/services/antenatal-screening/screening-tests/calculating-the-risk-of-downs-syndrome/

Risks of ASD also increases with both maternal and paternal age.

Those are only two disorders, of many, where the risks increase with age.