AIBU to consider trying for DC3 at 46?

[Hooliesmoolies]

I am not sure if I am being ridiculous to consider trying for DC3 at 46 (DC1 is 10 and DC2 is 8). I am not sure if my reasons are ridiculous. Honestly, I just don't think I'm ready for my kids to grow up, or rather I'm not ready to not have little kids. But then I worry that having any more is like replacing the ones I have, and I wouldn't want my children to feel replaced! They get old so fast, although I also love the age they currently are too. I was terrified that having my second would ruin the life of my first (although my reason told me it wouldn't). For my dc, I do worry that were I to actually be able to have a DC3 (which given my age is unlikely), that it would really ruin the lives of DCs 1 & 2 (actually, I think it would be more an issue for DC2). I came from a family of 2, DH came from a family of 3 and has always wanted more children (although not in any forceful way). AIBU to think about trying for DC3? Has anyone else had that 'my-kids-are-growing-so-fast-and-it-is-my-last-chance-to-have-them' feeling (actually, it was probably my last chance about 5 years ago), and had them? Or not? And has anyone been a sibling in that sort of situation and felt their life was ruined by the late new arrivals? A DC3 would mean very big life changes for everyone (in the way that a new baby changes anything!). We would get very little support from family because my parents are now quite old (not surprising given my age). But, I kind of think that I would happily give up on my career to spend more time with my kids (within reason, because financially I can't be a SAHM).

My teens all still hang out with us, amazes me how much they tell us.

It's different but they are great company. Lots on 1 on 1 time ferrying them around. Wish we had more money to do things with them and holidays especially.

I don't want them to move out!

The likelihood of you conceiving a healthy child past 45 is minuscule. It happens. But it’s the kind of thing that makes headlines in magazines, so similar to a life changing competition win statistically.

I wanted a third. Conceived at 42 and unfortunately the baby was disabled so I had to terminate. Carried on trying for two more years and the only thing we’ve ever got after that was a chemical. Strong line at 9dpo which led nowhere. Period arrived on time.

Just save yourself the heart ache OP. Have unprotected sex by all means but don’t go down the tracking and testing route. Look up stories about the climate emergency that’s in front of us and that will stop you wanting to bring anymore children into a very uncertain future.

You'd be totally mad, but I absolutely get why you're thinking it. I did have my last baby after a biggish gap, for similar reasons, but I was younger and still felt I could only just get away with it. A few years more and I don't think I would have gone ahead. It's very, very hard though - I love having children and having a young family, love everything that comes with it, even ironing on name tags to school uniforms. It's such a busy, vital time of life. I know I'll struggle when my youngest gets older, but you do have to stop somewhere

It is entirely up to you. I have been where you are in trying for another child in my mid/ late forties.
In my case this came about by having a surprise baby (DC5) at 43 and immediately unintentionally getting pregnant again but loosing the child mid pregnancy just as I had got my head round the idea that another late baby would be lovely.
Despite trying I never got pregnant again which at the time was tough - now my youngest is nearing the end of primary school as I am in my mid 50s and I am happy there are no younger ones.
In my opinion the risk of disability is overrated. 1 risk of one in 20 of downs means a 95% chance of no downs....
But the idea of trying at that age can become quite obsessional, given that fertility goes down drastically once you are in your forties.
The majority of babies born to women in their mid to late forties are born with the help of egg donation.
It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy away. I remember not applying for jobs because I thought I was going to have that last baby, being reluctant to plan more exiting holidays with my existing kids "just in case".
I know I was much less emotionally available to my existing kids as I should have been as I was so focussed on that elusive "one more baby".
Looking back now wanting another baby so badly took over my and unfortunately my children's lives (they did not know we were trying and our official approach was whatever happens will happen).

I’m 49 with an 11 year old and nearly 15 year old with ASD. The teenage years really can be challenging and I can’t imagine having to deal with that and a toddler. Plus the older ones wouldn’t want to do the things the younger ones wanted to do re: days out etc so you would be torn between doing best for both. I think just be grateful for what you have.

It seems to me that the real issue is not your age, or the potential effect on your existing children, or the age gap.
I think your motivation needs addressing- it seems to be coming from a place of not being able to accept your children are growing up. I think this is the issue you need to address.
Your children ( NOT babies at 10 and 8) ARE growing up and they need you to adjust to that and accept it. What is it that makes you unable to enjoy them as they get older?
Even if you were able to have a new baby, your existing children will still grow up and need you to parent them appropriately in their new phase.

Your update is very thoughtful and self-aware.

One thing that I struggle with is the idea of being definitively too old to do anything, and I think that it comes as a psychological shock to women to realise that the having babies ship has sailed, particularly if you have defined yourself as a raiser of children for that last decade or more. Nobody wants to think that age is holding them back. (I only just coped OK with no longer being eligible for a Young Person’s Railcard ) I feel that acutely because I only just sneaked in my DS at 43, but the other nursery Mums are younger and having more and I feel the same as them in every other way. However the bright side is that I did manage to have a DC before the door closed and I am eternally grateful for that.

Re your ongoing relationship with your teens, I have no experience as my DS is only 3 but can you think back to how you were as a teen? If you hated spending time with your parents, try to unpick why that was and see if you can find ways to stop history repeating itself. I’d say that parents and teens are probably more similar in outlook in terms of the types of things they enjoy than they were a generation ago.

Good luck!

bonkers in my idea. nobody needs 3 DC and to consider trying for a 3rd at that age is crazy.

Are you aware that the chance for a child with SN is significantly increased (not just down syndrome but also other genetics issues, most of which cannot be tested for prenatally). would you be able to cope with a disabled child at almost 50 and being a mum to two teens?

Your body, not you will decide.

Just as an opinion you are too old for a baby, and your reasons for wanting one at 46 sound- well- childish!

My mother had another baby at 46 and she and my father were EXHAUSTED bringing him up and agreed it had really been too old to have another one (though they loved him dearly - he was not an easy child either - no fault of his or theirs, just luck of the draw - for starters, he did not sleep through the night for at least the first two years).

I had a dc at 43. Mmc a week before 45.GP told me very very unlikely to carry a healthy dc to term.
Gap of 6 years between last 2 dc.
Has been hard to accept op.
Have decided to become a Crazy Lurcher Lady as the years go on instead...

I don't think I would be wanting to go through the menopause with a young child to deal with, too - but that's just me. I'm struggling with the start of menopause (peri? pre? not sure which) and the symptoms, and my youngest is 8. I am exhausted, forgetful, moody, tearful … I'm a real treat right now! I can't imagine going though this and having a pre-schooler needing attention, too. But you may sail through, you may be calm! I have also developed bad arthritis mid 40s and struggle to play the games my DS wants to play.

Hypothetical 3rd child is going to grow up feeling like an only child
And when your kids are going through puberty you will be looking after a baby
And when you have to teenagers and a toddler you will be going through menopause. ...
Also the high risk of your 3rd hypothetical child being born with some form of 'disability' is just too much...
Your Kids probably will resent you for it as well...

It's just not worth it.

I was 10 when my brother was born and I hated it. I didn't get a single lie-in until I went to uni, or any time with my parents. We fought bitterly all the time and hated each other - he was the annoying toddler and I was the annoying older sister.

We only started getting on well when I was about 23!

So I wouldn't do it.

Very foolish to even attempt at that age. The chances of having a child with SN is very high.

Teenager troubles when you are in your 60s? Hmm. I found it tough in my 40s. I am in my late 60,s and find my grandchildren exhausting

@argumentative ardvark, being a teenager isnt just about getting on with your parents or liking to do the same things. It can and often is a time of great unhappiness for the teenager , and the parents) A boiling storm of hormonal turbulence, uncertainty and struggles, and often great anger.

TBH I think you should be happy with the children you have. I had my 3rd at 45 when other DC were 11 and 7. I had no problem at all and my child is very healthy. The baby was not planned and was a big surprise. I was fit and healthy. I am now 52 going through the menopause my husband left me when daughter was 2 and it has been a struggle. It is hard to fill the holiday when you have a 8 year gap. I wouldn't change my daughter at all but it is hard work especially when you do not have family support . The others mums are half my age and all my family kids are grown up so have no support at all. But if you feel good, have money and support yes but things changes so fast.

@Confusedbeetle I wasn’t suggesting that having shared interests was the ONLY aspect of parent-teen relationships- I’m not an idiot! I was just commenting on one particular aspect.

Teenagers need a lot of support but in a different way to younger children. You realise how much you matter to them by the way the keep leaning on you for support. You become the stable centre of their world.
You get a lot back too. I am really enjoying the more adult conversations and the fact they are encouraging the family to try new things.
I am 50 and I am enjoying the freedom of not always needing to be on duty. DS1 is out playing sports with his team and DS2 is at home after a morning of sport. Consequently, I am sitting in a cafe with a coffee and a cake whilst on MN.

While the stats for natural conception are low I suspect it depends on indivduals lifestyle and gentics

thegoodshufu.wordpress.com/2017/09/21/hidden-hope-in-fertility-stats-for-women-40/.

I do know happy mothers in early 40s and FIL a twin was born to a 47 year old but I'd be looking longer term another likley 20 years before they are likely to be independent so 66-67 - in my maternal family that's very close to age people die while in my parternal family they go on till early 90s with only last few years being hard.

I'm in my late 30s and my children have a 6.5 year age gap. It's really difficult to do things with them. Most activities the 8 year old would like are hard with a toddler.

However, I guess you've thought of this and don't mind stopping doing certain things? I didn't really imagine it would be as difficult. I suppose it will get easier over the next few years.

Teenagers are all individuals so it’s impossible to say what yours will be like. MY 15 year old was a mess at 11-12 going through puberty. Now he’s like a extremely witty charming intelligent fun person to have deep meaningful conversations with. He notices the smallest changes in my mood and hugs me a lot. He’s also lazy selfish and annoying 😂 it’s fun but as they get older they need less hands on physical help but the emotional support steps up.
I feel the same as you OP but knowing that I did try and it wasn’t mean to be. If you do decide to try, put a timescale on it maybe?

I think YANBU. The more the merrier. However, as others have said, Mother Nature will probably make the decision for you.

I think I need you all to tell me that I my kids won't simply hate me as teenagers, and we will be able to spend lots of fun times doing stuff together.

I can't pretend that we're always living in harmony and bliss - lots of moaning during our summer holiday this year - but overall we get on fine with our DC, with the odd explosion when DH has enough of DD (14) staying on her phone too long or DS (11) declares that he's NOT going on a family outing as he wants to hang out with his friends (as has happened this weekend)!

Teenagers are funny creatures and I suspect that my DD is deliberately playing up to the "awkward teen" stereotype as she's fine when you have a good chat - she just wants to be independent and is currently determined not to be interested in anything DH and I suggest - unless you catch her unawares.