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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my need is just as great

160 replies

TheBananaInPyjamas · 29/08/2019 22:15

...when travelling on the tube.

Sorry I know there's a few posts about this historically but things reached breaking point today so feel the need to vent!

I wear a "Please offer me a seat badge" as I have scoliosis and it hurts to stand for long periods of time, especially on a train when needing to support my self and prevent falling.

This summer it has been ridiculous trying to get a seat. Yesterday I was standing for ages and got stares from at least 4 people, who ignored me. As soon as a pregnant lady got on, someone stood up for her. Just to be clear - I'm not saying I need the seat more than her - but it was frustrating that people took her seriously and not me.

Today, I got on at the same time as a pregnant lady wearing a badge, and again, someone stood up, gestured over my head, and offered her the seat. Again, totally get that she needs it and would never take a seat from a pregnant lady but it was so frustrating as people just gawped at me. Was also cringe as I didn't see her at first so smiled, nearly said thank you, then she moved from behind me and sat.

Also today I was standing, out of the four seats in front of me, two were disabled/pregnant, one was asleep, and one woman was doing her make up..... blatantly saw me but I guess decided her mascara was more important. I find it so difficult to speak up in these situations, as she may have a hidden disability so did not want to say anything but had to bite my tongue to not say "are you quite finished....?"

AIBU to think that the "please offer me a seat" badge should have the same gravitas as the "baby on board?" Would you stand up for someone with this badge?

Sorry for rambling, just tired, pissed off and in pain!

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 29/08/2019 22:18

Can you just ask to sit down. 'excuse me I've got scoliosis and I can't stand for long, could I sit down please?'

I'd move, I might not notice a badge tbh.

ShirleyPhallus · 29/08/2019 22:19

I’m sorry but some people just don’t look out for priority badges at every stop

You really need to learn to speak up - stand by the priority seats and ask “would someone please give me a seat?”

CharminglyGawky · 29/08/2019 22:19

I would probably not notice a badge. I would notice an obvious baby bump.

StinkyWizleteets · 29/08/2019 22:21

Do you ever ask for a seat?
My eyesight isn’t good enough to read a badge and it would be impolite for me to stare at you trying to work out what it said.,

StoneofDestiny · 29/08/2019 22:23

Never seen a 'please offer me a seat badge' and would have no idea it was meant to indicate you needed a seat! I assume many people might be in the same position and assume it was a joke!

Never seen an 'I'm pregnant badge' either - but at least I'd understand what it meant - and why it was worn.

Who issues these badges?

ViaSacra · 29/08/2019 22:23

I think you realistically need to be more upfront about it and ask people sitting in priority seats to stand for you.

Most people aren’t going to notice and also be able to read what a badge says unless you’re standing right in front of them and facing them (whereas a baby bump is a much more obvious indicator).

Do you use a walking stick? When I was recovering from surgery and needed a seat on trains, I carried a walking stick with me and found that I was always offered a seat.

Original poster
TheBananaInPyjamas · 29/08/2019 22:23

Hi guys,

Wow quick replies!! Sometimes I do ask when it's bad, but honestly it's so embarrassing and cringey. I've asked before and got blank stares, someone once didn't believe me, and began talking to her friend saying it was really cheeky of me. It's so demoralising sometimes.

The best is when other standing passengers notice and ask loudly if I'm okay, or ask for me. I do need to learn to just ask each time though, before it gets bad!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBananaInPyjamas · 29/08/2019 22:26

Also, no walking stick, although have considered a folding one for this sole reason!

Badges are issued by tfl and they do announcements...jubilee line has different coloured seats. (Where the make up lady was sat. She did read the badge too!)

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 29/08/2019 22:27

I have never heard of those badges or seen one. I don't think they're quite as well known as you think. People will not know what you're dealing with from a badge...I think you're going to have to ask.

HennyPennyHorror · 29/08/2019 22:28

yes to the stick OP. It's a visual clue for people....any decent person seeing someone with a walking stick will stand up for you.

Malvinaa81 · 29/08/2019 22:34

If desperate, pick someone who looks decent, and reasonably healthy-looking, and say that you are feeling very unwell and could you have their seat.

It may not be easy, but it's better than pain.

If they refuse move away.

KellyHall · 29/08/2019 22:36

I've never noticed a badge but then people in London do generally try to avoid looking at each other, I find. I regularly stood on the tube when pregnant too, I don't think pregnancy is a disability although it can of course very adversely affect some people.

If I were you, I'd ask for a seat. Yes, some people are wankers but you know what they say "if you don't ask, you don't get"!

InDreamland · 29/08/2019 23:36

When I'm not pregnant and see that "please offer me a seat" badge I always give up my seat for the person so they can sit , even if I'm not in the priority seat. People on the tube are often oblivious to their surroundings or simply selfish and blatantly see but then choose to ignore. I'm currently pregnant and have been blatantly ignored many times despite the bump and badge. There are decent people though who are more than willing to give up their seats. I get the uncomfortable feeling of needing to ask though as people sometimes can be rude ......... there was even an article in a paper once where a bloke started shouting at a pregnant lady who asked to sit in a priority seat when it became free as someone else tried to sit in it and she rightly was left feeling quite shaken and upset. It's a hard one really. Not everyone is selfish on the tube but many are. Maybe find a way to make the badge more visible? They are larger than my "baby on board" badge but I notice they're a blue colour and I don't think they stand out as much as the white badge which is often worn on a dark colour so stands out more. I saw another pregnant lady this morning who was wearing her badge on her tummy which is closer to eye level of those sitting down which I thought was clever (not that I'd wear mine there).

Lockheart · 29/08/2019 23:53

Lots of people on their commute will just zone out or be absorbed in a book / phone / music. If you need a seat but no-one has noticed you or offered then you need to speak up and ask. In my experience someone will almost always be willing to offer, but badges are much less noticeable than baby bumps!

margaritaproblems · 30/08/2019 02:43

How do you know the others don't have scoliosis or spinal injuries?

Because she was doing her makeup?

So you can't be disabled and wear make up?

SilverySurfer · 30/08/2019 02:53

Sticks do little to impel people to give you their seat, unfortunately. I used to regularly stand in front of a man sitting in a priority seat while I clung on with two walking sticks which just resulted in their broadsheet newspaper being held ever closer to their face.

managedmis · 30/08/2019 03:02

Definitely ask people to move for you. Chances are they will.

littleorangecat22 · 30/08/2019 03:24

Ask.

If I saw someone wearing a badge that said "please offer me a seat" I''d probably think it was something they were wearing for a work event or something. I wouldn't immediately make the connection that it meant offer a seat on public transport. However, if I see someone with one now I'll definitely offer them my seat!

Goatcurious · 30/08/2019 05:52

I know it would be a hassle, OP, but what about e-mailing the tube companies, and trying to garner pressure for them to put up posters around the priority seating areas?

There should be posters saying something like "If you see someone wearing this badge, please give up your seat for them," rather than the generic signs of a wheelchair, that they have on my local trains & buses.

In the meantime, just ask - it's the only way.

And maybe we all need to educate our children about how important it is to offer our seats up, especially when we see these badges or when we see anyone elderly or in pain.

Original poster
TheBananaInPyjamas · 30/08/2019 05:58

*margaritaproblems

How do you know the others don't have scoliosis or spinal injuries?

Because she was doing her makeup?

So you can't be disabled and wear make up?*

Well exactly, that's why I didn't say anything to her, because I didn't know her situation, and this is why I feel awkward asking because I don't like to assume. If someone asked me for a seat and I wasn't wearing the badge I'd be so embarrassed to say no, so I didn't want to put her (or others) in the situation. I said it here a little tongue in cheek, but as I said in my OP I didn't want to assume.

Thanks everyone else for the supportive comments. Think I do need to be a bit more confident and ask - although as you can see from above that's one of my worries - that other people need the seat and I just don't realise!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBananaInPyjamas · 30/08/2019 05:59

Ugh bold fail above!

OP posts:
Sparklybanana · 30/08/2019 06:23

I vote stick too. People are obviously noticing people in need so it’s just the badge they don’t see. I have never seen one - are they big?
Make it obvious or play out your pain. If I saw you standing I probably wouldn’t notice even if you were wearing a gorilla suit. If I saw someone wince or hold on in obvious pain I’d be up like a whippet.

PooWillyBumBum · 30/08/2019 06:26

Please do ask. Some people are just dicks but my husband - who is partially sighted but can happily stand on the tube for ages - wouldn’t be able to read the print on your badge but would be able to make out a pregnant or older person.

To be honest I’d probably struggle to make out your badge if I’d left my glasses in my bag!

Silvercatowner · 30/08/2019 06:34

I'd say 'crutch' - one, or even better two - rather than stick. When I use my crutches (actually much more comfortable and supportive than a stick) I find people are much more willing to help.

MarinaMarinara · 30/08/2019 06:37

When pregnant with dodgy hips/balance I used to (loudly and not to anyone in particular) ask if anyone would be kind enough to let me have a seat please. A general question means you are not putting one individual who could theoretically have a hidden need them self on the spot but still getting your request out there. I got offered a seat every single time without fail.

I do have a loud voice, quite a bit of confidence and a pretty high embarrassment threshold though and I can completely see why you could feel uncomfortable doing that.

Of course, you shouldn’t need to. If I noticed a badge like that I would offer you a seat. But given people are being rubbish I highly recommend the loud general enquiry option.