Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my need is just as great

160 replies

TheBananaInPyjamas · 29/08/2019 22:15

...when travelling on the tube.

Sorry I know there's a few posts about this historically but things reached breaking point today so feel the need to vent!

I wear a "Please offer me a seat badge" as I have scoliosis and it hurts to stand for long periods of time, especially on a train when needing to support my self and prevent falling.

This summer it has been ridiculous trying to get a seat. Yesterday I was standing for ages and got stares from at least 4 people, who ignored me. As soon as a pregnant lady got on, someone stood up for her. Just to be clear - I'm not saying I need the seat more than her - but it was frustrating that people took her seriously and not me.

Today, I got on at the same time as a pregnant lady wearing a badge, and again, someone stood up, gestured over my head, and offered her the seat. Again, totally get that she needs it and would never take a seat from a pregnant lady but it was so frustrating as people just gawped at me. Was also cringe as I didn't see her at first so smiled, nearly said thank you, then she moved from behind me and sat.

Also today I was standing, out of the four seats in front of me, two were disabled/pregnant, one was asleep, and one woman was doing her make up..... blatantly saw me but I guess decided her mascara was more important. I find it so difficult to speak up in these situations, as she may have a hidden disability so did not want to say anything but had to bite my tongue to not say "are you quite finished....?"

AIBU to think that the "please offer me a seat" badge should have the same gravitas as the "baby on board?" Would you stand up for someone with this badge?

Sorry for rambling, just tired, pissed off and in pain!

OP posts:
Womanager · 30/08/2019 07:58

@sinkgirl I have seen badges that attach to a buggy saying something like ‘please treat this as a wheelchair’ would that help do you think? They’re designed for situations such as being asked to fold the buggy on public transport.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 30/08/2019 07:59

On the rare occasions I use the tube I tend to avoid looking at other passengers so I wouldn't notice the badge. However I wouldn't mind at all being asked to give up my seat.

EllesBells123 · 30/08/2019 08:04

If you need a seat do a general announcement rather than ask any one person in particular. My husband had not long had back surgery and I was pregnant and a (well meaning) pregnant woman asked him directly to move so she could sit. He felt so embarrassed at being asked directly that he went to move so I said "no I'm sorry he can't stand for long periods". She rolled her eyes at me, I guess thinking it was an excuse to keep my husband sat with me but the fact is you just don't know if someone needs the seat more than you. I asked loudly on her behalf if anyone would mind and someone did stand up so she got a seat. It's a far better way to do it.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 30/08/2019 08:14

If you’re a fellow standing passenger and you’re able to do so, it really does seem to work best if someone else can ask on the badge wearer’s behalf.

If I see someone wearing either badge and no one offers a seat, I will try to ask them ‘would you like me to get you a seat?’ and if they say yes I’ll do a general bellow down the carriage: ‘could someone please give this person a seat?’

Normally at least three people spring up immediately and it saves having to target one person who may or may not actually need a seat for their own reasons.

0lapislazuli · 30/08/2019 08:19

I don’t see the issue here. Most people will not notice a badge or if they do, they might not understand it. Just ask for a seat. You’re the one turning it into an issue. Why are you expecting other people to comprehend the situation?

In case of pregnant women, it’s clear they might need a seat when they are showing. Even in that case they often get overlooked, because on the tube people usually just mind their own business and don’t stare at everyone entering the train.

You either just ask or suck it up.

Yabbers · 30/08/2019 08:21

I wonder if those who keep saying “just ask” understand how exhausting and frustrating it is for people with disabilities to constantly have to beg to be treated fairly, and explain their medical history to complete strangers.

OP, is the badge visible? Maybe make it more prominent?

It’s good to hear people are offering some people seats but yes, it’s shit nobody offers you one. I wonder if others are finding the same as you with this badge being ignored?

ZapADi · 30/08/2019 08:23

Also, no walking stick, although have considered a folding one for this sole reason!

I have MS. I can walk but my balance isn't great and I couldn't stand for long periods.
I got a folding HurryCane. It's great, handy when I need it, and people move out of my way in crowded areas rather than expecting me to squeeze/dance around them. People also give me a much needed seat. It's been a real eye opener, definitely get one.

Nomoremilk · 30/08/2019 08:26

You should do a general request, I wouldn't ask an individual.
I get a bit annoyed when I get asked as I don't want to explain my condition to a stranger and get an attitude back when I only explain I can't stand for long due to a condition.
As it happens I have rheumatoid arthritis which is quite severe at 27 but I am private about it.

Yabbers · 30/08/2019 08:27

Should also add, every request, no matter how polite leaves you at risk of a mouthful of abuse. Can you imagine having to risk that every day just to be able to sit down when you need it?

LindaLa · 30/08/2019 08:30

@lisasimpsonssaxophone

I'm not jealously clinging on to my seat. I have a disability.

The fact that the badges are just handed out can and do make it more difficult for the ones who actually need them.

I've asked for seats and been refused because they were tired.

A friend of mine was refused by a smirking arse, so leant against the seat to air his fake leg. He then offered to move.

ShirleyPhallus · 30/08/2019 08:31

Just re the posters / stickers around the seats, on most tube lines there ARE notices advising it’s a priority seat, pls give it up to those in need. Some of them actually say “please remember the need may not be obvious”.

On the jubilee line (I think) it’s actually printed in the fabric of the seat

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 30/08/2019 08:38

I found the easiest way to get a seat when I was pregnant at rush hour was to just loudly say would somebody please let me sit down whole pointing at the badge or the bump when that was more noticeable.

A DF of mine now does the same with her please offer me a seat badge. To all intents and purposes she doesn't look disabled in the sense of how people expect to see it (crutches/wheelchair/etc) but she is. Before the badges she used to have lots of people trying to get her out of those seats too, sometimes not stopping when she explained she was entitled to it.

Kaiser1805 · 30/08/2019 08:39

I think it mainly comes down to proper communication. Just politely mention it and I'm sure someone will be decent enough to move.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 30/08/2019 08:39

LindaLa I wasn’t saying that you do, you mentioned your disability and of course no one should give up their seat if they need it.

I was objecting to the idea that anyone seeing a badge should be ‘cynical’ about that person needing a seat. I just don’t think that’s a nice way to go through life. Reminds me of all the people making fuss about food banks because ‘how do we know they really need the food?’ I’m surprised the Daily Mail haven’t run a story about how people are gaming the system to get badges so that they can sit down when they don’t need to (actually tbh they probably have!)

Someone upthread suggested that OP should explain that she has scoliosis so that the seated passenger can make an informed decision to offer a seat. But the point of the badges is so that people don’t have to do that. What if the person needing a seat had bowel cancer or was recovering from a hysterectomy? Would you want them to ‘explain’ that too?

I think it’s just nicer for everyone all round if we see the badges, assume there’s a good reason for them, and offer our seats if and when we feel able to do so?!

bigKiteFlying · 30/08/2019 08:42

no walking stick, although have considered a folding one for this sole reason

DH has told by HCP once they found he was commuting on public transport to use the cruches past the point he actually needed them as it would give a visual cue to other passengers that he wasn't alright would need a bit more time and didn't want to be knocked and would benefit from a seat.

He said they were right - because he initally ignored the advise,

So I'd try a stick to go with the badge.

Myriade · 30/08/2019 08:43

I have a chronic condition that makes it hard for me to stand long distance too.
I vote for a stick and I’m not even sure I would fold it. You’ll have people saying they didn’t see it etc....

And to be bold and ask. As you said yourself, your needs are just as worth as anyone else.

Nomorepies · 30/08/2019 08:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Myriade · 30/08/2019 08:45

@bigKiteFlying, I agree with the cruches. It has to be big and visible for people to take notice (like a big and visible baby bum btw. I suspect women at the start of the their pregnancy often get overlooked too)

LindaLa · 30/08/2019 08:48

@lisasimpsonssaxophone
I agree that the world would be a nicer place if everyone thought like that but they don't.
Before I got ill, I would always give up my seat and see others do so too.
It just seems that since the badges have appeared (and become commonplace) people now refuse point blank.

Having seen TFL staff handing them out without any questions would make anyone cynical surely?

JustTwoMoreSecs · 30/08/2019 08:48

For some reason i have this idea that the «please give me your seat» badges are issued on demand by TFL, ie anyone could get one without having to prove their need, is that correct?
If yes I can understand why people ignore them, highly probable that it is just a CF thinking they have found a way to get guaranteed seats.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 30/08/2019 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CucinaBreakfast · 30/08/2019 08:51

Agreed that you do need to ask. I'm pregnant and before my bump was obvious I was happy to approach people sitting in the priority seats and ask to sit down please. Unfortunately it was often the older people (who probably needed the seat!) who got up for me, with younger people plugged into to ear phones heads down ignoring me.

You really can't expect people to be constantly looking out for a badge (although I would if i was sitting in a priority seat and didn't need it).

LindaLa · 30/08/2019 08:52

@JustTwoMoreSecs

Unfortunately yes.
I have seen TFL give 'bump' badges out too.

Not TFL staff fault though, probably infringes human rights to ask why you want a badge...

bigKiteFlying · 30/08/2019 08:53

*(like a big and visible baby bum btw. I suspect women at the start of the their pregnancy often get overlooked too)8

My pfb was up under my ribs so for most of the pg till last few days I didn't "look" pg I was working right up to last few days of due date and no one ever offered me a seat.

I think I did get occasionally get an offer with subsquent pg but don't know if that was becuase I had a young child/children already with me.

So pg woman being offered seat wasn't something i really experienced much.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 30/08/2019 08:55

Why do you think the staff should be asking, though? I guess I’m just naive but I would like to assume that if someone asks for a badge they must need it.

Sure, I can imagine there might be the odd piss taker but how common do you think they are, really? If I offer my seat to 50 people with blue badges and it happens that one or two didn’t actually need the seat then I couldn’t care less, to be honest!

Swipe left for the next trending thread