To think that my need is just as great

[TheBananaInPyjamas]

...when travelling on the tube.

Sorry I know there's a few posts about this historically but things reached breaking point today so feel the need to vent!

I wear a "Please offer me a seat badge" as I have scoliosis and it hurts to stand for long periods of time, especially on a train when needing to support my self and prevent falling.

This summer it has been ridiculous trying to get a seat. Yesterday I was standing for ages and got stares from at least 4 people, who ignored me. As soon as a pregnant lady got on, someone stood up for her. Just to be clear - I'm not saying I need the seat more than her - but it was frustrating that people took her seriously and not me.

Today, I got on at the same time as a pregnant lady wearing a badge, and again, someone stood up, gestured over my head, and offered her the seat. Again, totally get that she needs it and would never take a seat from a pregnant lady but it was so frustrating as people just gawped at me. Was also cringe as I didn't see her at first so smiled, nearly said thank you, then she moved from behind me and sat.

Also today I was standing, out of the four seats in front of me, two were disabled/pregnant, one was asleep, and one woman was doing her make up..... blatantly saw me but I guess decided her mascara was more important. I find it so difficult to speak up in these situations, as she may have a hidden disability so did not want to say anything but had to bite my tongue to not say "are you quite finished....?"

AIBU to think that the "please offer me a seat" badge should have the same gravitas as the "baby on board?" Would you stand up for someone with this badge?

Sorry for rambling, just tired, pissed off and in pain!

The best is when other standing passengers notice and ask loudly if I'm okay, or ask for me

To be honest I don't think you can expect people to ask for you; that's quite passive and while it's great when it happens, you can't rely on it. People will subconsciously presume that if you haven't asked, you're okay standing today; if they've even clocked the badge. It doesn't tend to be the badge that people notice on pregnant women, it's the bump!

It is a call about whether you'd prefer to be uncomfortable and stand up but not have to ask or risk a cringe moment but be sat down and more comfortable, which might change day to day. I've worn a spinal brace on the tube and still had to ask for a seat on bad days - people are just going about their day, they don't naturally constantly reassess if someone needs their seat more than them.

It’s not like the badges give you a legal right to a seat or incur any special privileges, they’re just meant to make it slightly less awkward to get one. It makes me sad that people think you should have to ‘prove’ you need one.

I'd offer you a seat if I saw your badge but the likely hood of me seeing your badge would be very low and if you're walking unaided it likely wouldn't occur to me there was an additional need.

I too also think you need a stick orcrutch and to find your voice.

These threads turn into some sort of one upmanship - "I was 41 weeks in labour and no-one offered me a seat, so I stood for an hour" etc etc etc.

I'm pregnant, I have my badge, and honestly get ignored approximately 84% of the time. So if I feel I need a seat, I ask. It's a bit cringe, but if you need a seat, ask for one. Whenever I do ask, no-one has been horrendously rude, some rolled their eyes and looked huffy but what do I care? Would you rather I fainted on you?

Hidden disabilities are a thing, yes, and of course you never know if the person sat there needs it "more" than you. So ask. And I'd carry a stick if it helps convey the message that you have mobility issues.

If you’re a fellow standing passenger and you’re able to do so, it really does seem to work best if someone else can ask on the badge wearer’s behalf

By far the best way for me, but obviously as others have said I can't rely on others.

As a PP said, it is exhausting to have to ask and explain every day. It's not a nice situation.

Some really heart warming replies here, thanks everyone. Had my journey in today, travelling at 6.45 (vom) so got a seat on my first tube but not on jubilee line.

I find it easier to ask if there's a big problem, such as in the heatwave, or when the northern line was broken yesterday, I could say "Sorry, I know we're all hot and tired but if anyone can give up their seat it would really help"

Will have to grow a back bone (badum tsss) and just ask a bit more. Reassuring to hear that people genuinely don't see them though and it's not people being arses

I have never seen a badge and possibly wouldn't notice it loys of people would be the same i imagine. Maybe the people sitting not offering seats also have disabilities. If you really can't bring yourself to speak up get yourself another bigger brighter badge that makes it clear u have a spine problem and can't stand or a baby on board badge.Don't feel guilty I once had a really bad hangover felt terribly ill with bloated tum and period pain so on a crowded bus said to a man who didn't give up his seat "can I sit there please I am pregnant" he took one look at my fat stomach and said oh yes of course sorry!

The badges are quite noticeable...

@Sugarplumfairyfartface You lied about being pregnant, got a seat off someone who had no reason to give it to you, and you don't feel guilty?

To be honest I don't think you can expect people to ask for you; that's quite passive

But it also plays in to human nature. It’s easy for someone to say no to one person. It’s a me v you situation and people are happy to be 1v1. But when it becomes “me v them” it’s less easy to convince yourself you are in the right, you are now standing out from the crowd, going against the majority and far more likely to give in. Instead of being convinced the silent people around you agree with you, you’re convinced they agree with them. Takes a much harder nose to stay seated in that situation.

They’re not that noticeable. I travel by tube every day twice a day and I’ve never seen one, which is presumably not because noone’s wearing them. I think the Baby on Board badges are more eye catching. That blue blends in to the man’s suit. Blue text on a blue background is hard to read (for me anyway). I think it they had copied the design for the baby on board badges, the badges would be more easily identifiable. I will make an effort to look out for badges.

If I’m reading though, it’s not something I’d notice on a crowded train, where a bump tends to be at eye height when you’re sitting down!

Sorry, but you can't do make up standing up. Why did you focus on her specifically, weren't there other people who were also sitting down?

Maybe the people sitting not offering seats also have disabilities.

Maybe they do. But on the balance of probabilities, they can’t all have hidden disabilities. I think part of the issue is if people aren’t sitting in the priority seats, they seem to think they don’t have to offer a seat. I’d love to see these done away with and having a sign at every opportunity reminding people to give their seats up to those who need them.

For some reason i have this idea that the «please give me your seat» badges are issued on demand by TFL, ie anyone could get one without having to prove their need, is that correct?
If yes I can understand why people ignore them, highly probable that it is just a CF thinking they have found a way to get guaranteed seats.

By that logic anyone asking for a seat due to a hidden disability could also just be making it up in order to get a seat so would you ignore a direct request too?

Op, I understand completely what you are saying. I have inflammatory arthritis plus a heart condition, both of which make it very difficult for me to stand on the tube. I also have one of these badges but I'm too embarrassed to even wear it. I hate having to draw attention to myself and I hate having to admit that I have a disability. I'm so tired of having to constantly ask for consideration in everything that I do - at work, at home, with friends etc. I don't think people understand how difficult this can be.

I don't have scoliosis but have back and numerous feet issues which you can't see.

I have recently bought a flip stick. It's a folding walking stick that has a small seat on it. So you can use it as a walking stick and then fold the seat out when you need to sit/perch. It's been a life saver for me.

I'm not sure how it would work on the tube if it was really busy but it may help you for the bits in between and also having a stick of some kind visible may also help.

I honestly didn't know that there were badges. If you asked me for my seat I would give it to you no questions asked. So sorry you are struggling.

@meganthevegan

It was a packed train, she was in the priority seat to my right, then next to her was another lady with a badge like mine, then the next guy was sleeping and others further couldn't see me.

To my left was a pregnant lady, and two men sleeping.

She very may well have had a disability, which is why I didn't say anything, but was just feeling bitter as she got on the same time as me and beat me to the seat. Always an awkward one!

My tube station plays recorded messages saying please look up and see if someone needs a seat more than you, or something along those lines. They also have the same message displayed on the countdown board. Hopefully, this means TfL are rolling out an awareness campaign, but I think it would be enhanced by making an explicit connection with the blue badges.

I have to disagree with the PP who pays no heed to the badges as anyone can get them without proof. I’d rather err on the side of kindness and compassion than suspicion, personally, and let someone else take my seat when I don’t NEED it (even though I want it!).

I think you are too shy OP.

I commute on the tube every day. In all honesty I have never seen one of these badges (probably don't look at other people in the usual London manner) but would happily give up my seat if asked. I have never heard one of the announcements mentioned either.

I always offer my seat if I do notice someone who looks as if they need it more than me, but am usually reading or zoned out. Please do ask OP.

It's difficult for people to offer though because so many people get offended.
You may offer to a pregnant person in case they're not actually pregnant. Some older people are offended at being asked or they may not be as old as you think. Obviously we can't see hidden disabilities.

Badges aren't something many people notice because we don't look at everyone boarding public transport. If we did that would probably also offend!

So like anything else, we have to ask for what we need. Some people can be arseholes about it but I find if they are someone else who overhears will usually offer.

I’m unlikely to notice a badge but would move if asked.

I offered my seat to an elderly lady once and she got really offended. She was ranting about me assuming that she needed a seat because she looked ‘old’. I hadn’t said that she looked old or even why I was offering. I just said,’do you want to sit here’. I moved along the carriage.

Which means I'm cynical if you're wearing a badge.

The only two mistakes you can make here:

a) offering a seat to someone who doesn't need one and is pulling a fast one
b) not offering a seat to someone who does need one and is in pain

Only a total twat would rather avoid a than b.

I think you’re being unreasonable to think your need is automatically greater than a pg woman and her unborn baby. I suppose it might be but why assume it is? Everyone has their struggles. If you really need a seat either speak up, or choose a more appropriate form of transport. If you just “like” a seat, then ask and suck it up if you don’t get one.

I have a condition that often means I can't stand. I simply ask someone in a Special seat if I can sit down. Please. Occasionally that person says s/he needs it, in which case I ask someone in another Special seat - there are lots in each carriage on the Underground, also on buses and trains in many areas. I find it easier than a general ask which is often ignored, probably with each person hoping the next will shift.

I've never had abuse. It's not embarrassing, nor cringey. It's a simple request, just like 'excuse me please, I need to get off' at my stop. I don't mention my medical condition.

I think if you can't bring yourself to engage with other members of the human race (no matter how valid you think your reasons are) it's a bit unreasonable to expect them to peer at a badge you may be wearing or to interrupt what they are doing to check at every station if anyone getting on is wearing such a badge, or to work out that you want a seat when you don't say anything. I've seen people being abused for offering a seat that turned out not to be wanted.

There is a woman who gets on to stops after I do - long journey, she wears her give me a seat badge and always asks me.

I have a serious issue with one of my feet, which makes my balance dodgy but I never wear/ask for a seat because of it, nor did I when I was pregnant - my choice.

Two weeks ago - I said no and kept sitting, my foot was out of control pain wise and had kept me up all night. On came the volley of abuse - she needed she had a problem etc etc. Most of the time I will stand but on certain days I struggle - I just do not want to advertise my infirmities to the world. Few would believe it I did as I look v healthy.

You can ask - but accept the response with grace please

OP I've recently bought a foldup stick - it makes a lot of difference, thankfully.