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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite people around MIL’s house while housesitting

244 replies

KissyThief · 29/08/2019 11:17

So this has proper annoyed me:

So my mil is going on holiday for a week and has asked my dh and the family to housesit and look after the dogs while they’re away. My mil just said keep the place tidy, walk and feed the dogs and treat the place like your home.

So I said to my dh that at the weekend if the weather is nice we can have a bbq and planned to surprise my partner with his best friend and family coming round as a belated birthday thing (we were skint for his birthday 6 weeks ago and it’s made me feel so guilty).

Anyway I ended up telling dh and things have completely blown up saying that the dogs won’t cope with new people and my mum wouldn’t like people she doesn’t know being in her house. And I’m just like the dogs coped during my ds1 first birthday party when we had around my mil’s and she said treat it like your home?

AIBU?

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 29/08/2019 13:40

Your DH knows his family better than you do. If he thinks she wouldn’t like it, you need to respect that.

MRex · 29/08/2019 13:41

Families are all different. I know for certain that my PIL would be happy with it, because one of their DC (not DH) has several times held BBQs when they're away. My parents would be happy with it too. In both cases assuming you don't invite too many people and clear up properly after yourselves. I would think it's polite to ask first though, and I know in both cases they'd really prefer to be there to join in. OTOH if someone's PIL had an issue with it then I wouldn't find that particularly surprising as I know our parents are all quite relaxed and social so others will be different. It's your DH's parents, he knows them best, if he thinks they won't like it then they won't. I did wonder if your terminology could be the problem though; inviting one family to a BBQ is rather different than holding a big party; the latter would really be inappropriate.

Fundays12 · 29/08/2019 13:42

OMG I can’t believe you think it’s okay to throw a party in someone else’s house without there permission 😱. You are not just cheeky but down right rude. Surely anyone over the age of 16 knows it’s unacceptable to arrange a party in a house that’s not there own. I would be furious if someone did this to me.

greenlavender · 29/08/2019 13:43

Nope I wouldn't.

EnidPrunehat · 29/08/2019 13:50

My kids used to have parties in my house while 'house and dog sitting'. Legendary they were. Apparently. Fortunately, by the time they had partners/wives/houses of their own they'd got out of the habit. Certainly, they'd not be entertaining anyone without clearing it first.

I'm a sociable person but I value my own quiet space and I'd be more than a bit 'meh' to get home from holiday nowadays and discover that adult dcs hadn't yet lost that reckless 'free house' feeling. I'd especially be unhappy about the dog being expected to party on without regard!

Your DH has the right idea here and YABVU. Wait until you get home to your own house.

ladyme · 29/08/2019 13:58

Having another family over isn't a party is it? If it is I must be more of a party animal that I thought. I even do that in school/work nights

MidCenturyVintageWoman · 29/08/2019 14:03

how many of the "you be insane it's family course it's alright" posters would be fine with MIL having a party with her friends at your house when you're on holiday without asking? No I wouldn't be happy with them having a party at my house when I'm on holiday, but this isn't happening in this case either - ITS. NOT. A. PARTY. It's a barbecue with one family and no alcohol. Why did you have to mention your husband's birthday OP? It's become a fixation on this thread. And again, if my in-laws house sat for us and said "Oh Avril and Ken came over on Saturday while you were away" I can't imagine I would give one tiny toss. I would probably just say "Oh how's his new knee?"

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 29/08/2019 14:04

Sakura7 there are two posts on the very first page saying exactly that - don't you dare ask her as it'd be putting her on the spot. The very first response is in a similar vein.

category12 · 29/08/2019 14:07

if my in-laws house sat for us and said "Oh Avril and Ken came over on Saturday while you were away" I can't imagine I would give one tiny toss.

If that were true of the in-laws in this case, the dh wouldn't be against it, would he? He'd think nothing of it. But clearly he knows how they're likely to react, which is not like you.

ladyme · 29/08/2019 14:09

@MidCenturyVintageWoman

No, I wouldn't give a toss either. It's family! They're not going to invite people who'd snoop or trash the place.

I have people house sitting at the moment (while I'm on holiday at my SiL's place). Hope they know that treating it as their own means just that.

FilthyforFirth · 29/08/2019 14:12

Has the OP come back? Or have they name changed? I can't see anything other than the first post.

elessar · 29/08/2019 14:22

Yes it's not ok.

It might not be a party but it's still strangers in their home, uninvited. It isn't fair to the dogs who may be unsettled by their owners being away, and if the other family was bringing children then that's strange children as well who may not be used to dogs.

Time and again there are posts on here about the risks of children and dogs. What if, god forbid, there was an incident with one of the friend's children? With the owner not present to appropriately manage the situation?

And regardless of any risk it's just rude quite frankly, party or no party.

Sakura7 · 29/08/2019 14:25

nothingsreallynewunderthesun

Ah now, there's a bit of a difference between the posts on the first page and what you've said. Saying it's a bit cheeky and pointing out that MIL might feel uncomfortable saying no is hardly equal to "don't you dare even think about asking her". Extrapolating that posters are terrified of basic human interaction is a bit of a stretch. There's nothing wrong with taking the DH's reaction as a gauge of how his mother would feel. Anyway, it's irrelevant as the DH himself doesn't want the party. Not sure exactly who the OP is so annoyed with.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 29/08/2019 14:30

You’re a CF. It’s not your home to use as you wish.

Aderyn19 · 29/08/2019 14:32

My mum's dog gets very stressed around strangers. He's nearly blind and gets scared. So we are very careful about where we take him - he's not aggressive at all but there's the potential for him to get snappy if frightened. What if mils dog is similar and ends up biting one of the kids?

It's not really doing someone a favour of you don't do it in a way that actually helps them. If your actions would cause mil to worry about her pet or her home while away, then that's not much of a favour.

Besides all that, your h said no and it is his parents' house, not yours.

Sewrainbow · 29/08/2019 14:38

I wouldn't do this. I don't think I would even if permission was granted as I'd worry a out damage etc.

I'd be cross if someone did it in my house without asking first.

RebeccaRae · 29/08/2019 14:47

I think it's fine to ask your MIL, but I wouldn't do it without permission. It's the kind of thing people can be funny about.

RebeccaRae · 29/08/2019 14:49

Also, I don't get why people are acting as though it's insane to ask if it's ok? Surely it's just good manners?

Also, if you're worried you will be told 'no' it's a sign you shouldn't be doing it in the first place!

BFPhopeful2019 · 29/08/2019 15:02

As it is seemingly a very small number of people and it is the kids playing and a burger in the garden, I don’t think it would be unreasonable. Provided there would be no trouble and all cleaned up, I’d go for it!

Cheeseandwin5 · 29/08/2019 15:29

If someone was house sitting my place and had a few friends over, I wouldn't mind at all. But the fact is that your DH has told you they wouldnt like it. What ever you think of that doesn't really matter. You know she wont like it so dont do it.
Also your DH wont enjoy it and I assume that's who the party was for.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2019 17:12

I'm not sure the op is doing them a huge favour either, there is clearly a reason she wants to have the party at her in laws house and not hers. She's only there for A week. It's been six weeks since his birthday. There is no reason the party needs to be at the in-laws in that week that we off fhe husband know of. The in-laws haven't even it seems left yet and the ops planning it.

So it would seem there is a benefit of them staying in the in-laws house. I'd assume they perceive it as better than theirs.

katesalwayslate · 29/08/2019 17:14

It is unreasonable if you don’t ask permission first.

Leeds2 · 29/08/2019 17:18

I would go with what your DH thinks is the right thing to do.

IamWaggingBrenda · 29/08/2019 17:35

You’re only there for a week ffs. Have the party at your own place when you go back home. YABU to expect to use your MIL’s house for a party.

SecretMillionaire · 29/08/2019 17:55

YABU I would be furious if I found out that someone I trusted to house sit had invited strangers into my home. I don’t operate an open house policy and like my privacy.

If you want a gathering have it at your own house on another day or ask them to find another house sitter.

What would happen if an expensive or sentimental item in the house was broken or missing after your gathering?

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