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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To invite people around MIL’s house while housesitting

244 replies

KissyThief · 29/08/2019 11:17

So this has proper annoyed me:

So my mil is going on holiday for a week and has asked my dh and the family to housesit and look after the dogs while they’re away. My mil just said keep the place tidy, walk and feed the dogs and treat the place like your home.

So I said to my dh that at the weekend if the weather is nice we can have a bbq and planned to surprise my partner with his best friend and family coming round as a belated birthday thing (we were skint for his birthday 6 weeks ago and it’s made me feel so guilty).

Anyway I ended up telling dh and things have completely blown up saying that the dogs won’t cope with new people and my mum wouldn’t like people she doesn’t know being in her house. And I’m just like the dogs coped during my ds1 first birthday party when we had around my mil’s and she said treat it like your home?

AIBU?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 29/08/2019 12:56

Incidentally, dog and house sitting isn’t necessarily a huge favour. When we were young we used to dog sit for pils- in a much nicer house than ours, in a much nicer part of the country and with a much nicer car to drive. And a freezer full of nice food....

BertrandRussell · 29/08/2019 12:57

But if the dh says they shouldn’t do it then they shouldn’t. Obvs.

FilthyforFirth · 29/08/2019 12:58

Of course you cant have people round. So weird that you think this is what MIL meant. I would be livid. YABU

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/08/2019 13:01

I think people are bit fucking precious here tbh. But maybe that's just because I have family on both sides where this wouldn't be a problem because they're not insane.

This is just a question of straightforward good manners, which includes how to behave under someone else's roof.

Bearing in mind the language of the above post, and the OTT dismissal of the homeowner's own wishes as 'insane', it's abundantly clear as to where manners are in very short supply around here.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 29/08/2019 13:02

The difference between borrowing the in-laws house for a holiday and doing them a big favour by dog sitting for them is massive.

Usually the MN attitude is that whoever is doing the favour should be in the driving seat and accommodated where possible. Certainly that is the universal attitude where childcare is provided, but a subsection MN does have the attitude that dogs are way above children, so perhaps see dog sitting as a favour the owner bestows upon the sitter

I think this essentially boils down to the fact nobody on MN appears capable of having a conversation with anyone face to face any more - nobody answers the door or picks up the phone apparently. That demographic consider actually asking MIL directly some kind of unforgivably cruel bullying tactic and the idea of actually having face to face contact with other humans inside a private residence a life ruining violation...

Presumably the in-laws asked the house and dog sitting favour of the OP without this being an intrusive, unbearable pressure to put on her...

user1493494961 · 29/08/2019 13:02

DH doesn't want them round so the answer's no.

Sakura7 · 29/08/2019 13:04

The majority do seem to think that putting yourself out to house and dog sit means you should put everything on hold and behave a though you are an unwanted guest on sufferance.

Oh give over. Nobody is saying anything of the sort. It has already been six weeks since the birthday so the date really isn't important. Why wouldn't you do it when you're back in your own house?

Favour or not, the MIL is clearly uncomfortable about having people in her house when she's not there. It really doesn't matter if you get that or not, it's her house and her boundaries. People are acting as if the MIL owes OP a pound of flesh for doing her a favour. I'm willing to bet MIL has done favours for her son and OP as well.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 29/08/2019 13:05

I think this essentially boils down to the fact nobody on MN appears capable of having a conversation with anyone face to face any more - nobody answers the door or picks up the phone apparently

Nothing like being melodramatic. Of course people still talk and answer the door or use the phone. None of that has anything to do with the OP as she clearly doesn't think she needs to ask as she knows better despite her DH's protests.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 29/08/2019 13:06

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone asking the MIL isn't peculiar - that's normal human interaction and courtesy.

The posters saying "how very dare you put pressure on MIL by asking her a question, if your DH guesses she might not like it he's definitely right, do not under any circumstances actually have a conversation with your MIL!" are peculiar.

Also the attitude that when doing someone a favour and saving them a significant amount of money you must behave as though they are doing you a favour - what's that about?

ChicCroissant · 29/08/2019 13:06

No, that's not a good idea IMO. Surely you can wait a week and invite them round to your own home?

DerbyMumOf1 · 29/08/2019 13:07

I really think you should hold it at your own home or at a friends. You may not mean to but you're taking advantage of the situation and your MIL

How would you feel if it was the other way around?

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 29/08/2019 13:08

"AIBU? MIL and FIL house and dog sat for us last week, which we were really grateful for, but on returning today it's clear from the amount of recycling that they've had some sort of party while they were here. It's one thing that they didn't ask but our dogs are rescues who are really anxious around strangers and large groups of people and I know they will have been really stressed by it."

People would be waving pitchforks and shouting about boundaries, and at least one person would advise going NC.

ladyme · 29/08/2019 13:09

Honestly, at my mum and dad's I wouldn't think twice! And I would be more than happy with my teen daughter having her best mate and family round for a bbq while I was away too. What's the big deal? Seriously? It's not a free for all advertised on Facebook.

However, if it was at my ILs and my husband thought MIL wouldn't be keen, I'd think it was strange but wouldn't invite them over because he'd know best.

SuzieSunshine · 29/08/2019 13:10

'So I said to my dh that at the weekend if the weather is nice we can have a bbq and planned to surprise my partner with his best friend and family coming round'
I'm confused - I've read this bit so many times but can't work out who the partner and his best friend are!! I thought she'd asked her husband so who is her partner & his friend? Not that it matters it's still not a wise thing to do!!

AmIThough · 29/08/2019 13:13

@SuzieSunshine she told her DH about the bbq but didn't suggest inviting his friend, as she was going to invite his friend as a surprise.

I had to read it 3 times before it made sense

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 29/08/2019 13:14

To be fair to those posters actually talking to the MIL in this situation isn't really necessary since the DH doesn't sound keen on the idea and its meant to be for his birthday. So not much point in asking if he doesn't want to do it.

However I do still find it odd that the OP didn't think to ask his parents first before coming up with the idea especially if it was supposed to have been a surprise.

RosesAndRaindrops · 29/08/2019 13:14

I'm finding it interesting that the people who say "yeah, it's fine" seem to be seeing it from a "I'm still the kid at the parents" point of view, or the parents saying "I'd be fine with my kids inviting friends over, why wouldn't I?"
I'm seeing it as more it's courtesy as all adults together to ask first, people and politeness and all that.
Not just take it as granted that I could because we're "the kids"in the scenario and it's always open to children, Mum wouldn't have a problem with us inviting friends round"
Adults with respect for each other. Ask.

corkmammy3 · 29/08/2019 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sakura7 · 29/08/2019 13:16

This is melodramatic. You're going to have to point out where anybody has said the above on this thread. Quite a few posters have suggested asking the MIL, and some have said that DH clearly doesn't want it and OP should drop it. I agree with the latter, why would you go behind DH's back and ask the MIL about the party when DH clearly doesn't want to do it and is worried about the dogs?

HiJenny35 · 29/08/2019 13:17

Nope not right to invite people over. Also you oh has said no and it's his parents home.

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2019 13:20

Your H says hell no and your MIL doesn’t know,. Those are the only opinions that count, yours or ours don’t.

AguerosAngel · 29/08/2019 13:26

Your DH has said his DM won’t like it and the dogs won’t cope.

Nothing more to be said.

Can the idea until you’re back in your own home!

minmooch · 29/08/2019 13:28

I wouldn't have a problem with this.

It's not a party. Just another family coming over for a bbq. I'm sure they are providing their own food.

Unless of course the dogs are very antisocial and would be dangerous to young children.

I'm sure op wouldn't leave house in a state etc

SuzieSunshine · 29/08/2019 13:29

@AmIThough Got it - so the DH and the partner are the same person!! Thanks for that - I just couldn't work it out!!

Beautiful3 · 29/08/2019 13:37

No way, that is so rude. I wouldn't want people I don't know in my house.

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