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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite people around MIL’s house while housesitting

244 replies

KissyThief · 29/08/2019 11:17

So this has proper annoyed me:

So my mil is going on holiday for a week and has asked my dh and the family to housesit and look after the dogs while they’re away. My mil just said keep the place tidy, walk and feed the dogs and treat the place like your home.

So I said to my dh that at the weekend if the weather is nice we can have a bbq and planned to surprise my partner with his best friend and family coming round as a belated birthday thing (we were skint for his birthday 6 weeks ago and it’s made me feel so guilty).

Anyway I ended up telling dh and things have completely blown up saying that the dogs won’t cope with new people and my mum wouldn’t like people she doesn’t know being in her house. And I’m just like the dogs coped during my ds1 first birthday party when we had around my mil’s and she said treat it like your home?

AIBU?

OP posts:
verticality · 29/08/2019 12:37

Absolutely not. Even if it's just a couple of people, you don't invite them to someone else's house like this! Why can't you use your own place?

BertrandRussell · 29/08/2019 12:38

So. Let’s be clear. Your son and his wife are house and pet sitting for you.
While they are staying at your house, they invite another couple round for dinner.
This would make you angry.

Is that right?

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 29/08/2019 12:39

YABU. You aren't a teenager with a free yard.

Don't do it unless you've explicitly checked with MIL.

NameChange92 · 29/08/2019 12:39

You're doing them a favour. I don't think having a single family over for a barbecue is a big ask. That being said I would ask your MIL if she'd be ok with it beforehand.

Bwekfusth · 29/08/2019 12:39

I think people are bit fucking precious here tbh. But maybe that's just because I have family on both sides where this wouldn't be a problem because they're not insane.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2019 12:40

It doesn't even sound like your in-laws have gone yet. And you're planning it in advance to be at their olace and not yours. Why? And Why have you not asked your in laws?

It does seem like you would rather have them at your in laws house and you don't want your in laws to know in advance.

BertrandRussell · 29/08/2019 12:41

This is another one of those “I live in a different universe” things.

LizziesTwin · 29/08/2019 12:42

Gosh, I’ve had house sitters and have young adult children. I’d let both use the house how they wanted as I’d be pleased to save on the dogs going into kennels. But my children just ask first, DD had friends over before Carnival on Monday, we were away & from the amount of recycling there were quite a few, no problem to me. DD1 often has friends over when we are away, not an issue.

KnifeAngel · 29/08/2019 12:43

You are being a CF it's not your house.

Deathraystare · 29/08/2019 12:43

For once we are all agreeing with the husband!

Imagine if the MIL did it to the poster!

RosesAndRaindrops · 29/08/2019 12:43

I'm interested to know how many of the "you be insane it's family course it's alright" posters would be fine with MIL having a party with her friends at your house when you're on holiday without asking?
I mean, MN is usually about MIL overstepping boundaries by picking up a pair of stray socks and washing them, but now it'd be fine to have a BBQ party behind your back? (even though MIL's friends birthday was apparently 6 weeks ago and they've waited until staying at yours to host one, maybe it's a bigger nicer house?! Grin )

wildcherries · 29/08/2019 12:44

You asked your DH, who said MIL wouldn't like strangers in her house and that the dogs won't cope. That should have been the end of that. Especially since you said the party was for him. He doesn't sound keen, so why would you do it?

Have a get-together at your own house.

MagneticSingularity · 29/08/2019 12:46

I wouldn’t mind it if it were my son and DIL but they would certainly have the courtesy to ask me first if I was ok with it. Some people don’t like having strangers in their home when they’re not there and, since your DH says no and you seem strangely reluctant to actually ask your ILs, I’m guessing your ILs are if the type who wouldn’t like it. It comes down to respecting their boundaries, yes you’re doing then a favour but you are still guests in their home. Act as if they would still be there - if you wouldn’t just invite other people over to hang out in their home if they were there without running it by them first, why would you do it when they’re not there?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 29/08/2019 12:46

While they are staying at your house, they invite another couple round for dinner.
This would make you angry.

It wouldn't make me angry but it would bother me that they didn't think to ask first especially when the dogs are anxious around strangers.

What would make me angry is my partner ignoring me when I said my mum would not be ok with strangers in her home and it wouldn't be fair on the dogs. Surely he know better than the Op so why wont she listen to him?

BertrandRussell · 29/08/2019 12:46

“MIL having a party with her friends at your house when you're on holiday without asking?”

I might be a bit Hmm at a party- but another couple round? Wouldn’t even register.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2019 12:49

As said, it doesn't sound like the in laws have even left for holiday yet, why is the op wanting the party to be at the in laws house and not her own, and why not just ask them, unless of course she knows her husband is right and the dogs wouldn't cope and her in laws would be uncomfortable with strangers in her home.

The op is only there for a week, have her party at her own house.

Sakura7 · 29/08/2019 12:50

If DH has already said no, and the party is supposed to be for him, then why are you making an issue of it? If you go ahead he'll be pissed off and it won't be very enjoyable for either of you, will it?

It seems to me like you were holding out specifically so that you could use MIL's house behind her back. Why didn't you have the gathering at your own place sometime during the six weeks since DH's birthday?

Blondebakingmumma · 29/08/2019 12:51

For everyone saying you would be fine with it, it really has no weight in this issue. You are not the one giving up your house for a BBQ. It is the MIL’s house. OP’s husband has already said that his mother wouldn’t like it. This makes the OP a CF for even consider going ahead without asking MIL’s permission

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 29/08/2019 12:51

MN is insane sometimes.I wonder whether it's the time of day or the thread title - threads attract really different demographics it seems, and this one has brought out a majority with properly peculiar attitudes.

You are doing your in-laws a big favour.

Some people must be under the impression that you're homeless and she's offered you a roof or something.

House and fog sitting is doing a big favour.

Talking to family members rather than tying yourself in knots second guessing how they might theoretically feel about possible scenarios is generally very helpful.

We're not all agreeing Deathraystare though the majority do seem to think that putting yourself out to house and dog sit means you should put everything on hold and behave a though you are an unwanted guest on sufferance.

Just bloody ask your MIL out of politeness OP, if she appreciates that house and dog sitting is a favour you are doing her, not somehow some kind of opposite-land favour she's doing you, she'll be fine with it and it's just your DH tying himself in knots for some reason.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/08/2019 12:51

This is another one of those “I live in a different universe” things.

tbf though it's her DH, the PILs actual son who doesn't want to do it, he presumably knows his parents better than the OP and what they would or would not be comfortable with. I don't see why asking the PIL is such a big issue..........

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 29/08/2019 12:52

Dog not fog, though who knows whether FOG is actually at play here or with some posters...

RosesAndRaindrops · 29/08/2019 12:53

It's not another couple round though, is it?
So I said to my dh that at the weekend if the weather is nice we can have a bbq and planned to surprise my partner with his best friend and family coming round as a belated birthday thing (we were skint for his birthday 6 weeks ago and it’s made me feel so guilty

It's best friend and family, for a birthday BBQ. Not just another couple round. People would really be OK with MIL doing that without asking? Even though her partner had told her that you wouldn't like it, and the dogs wouldn't cope, just thought meh it's all blown up and could I just do it anyway?

misspiggy19 · 29/08/2019 12:54

You asked your DH, who said MIL wouldn't like strangers in her house and that the dogs won't cope. That should have been the end of that.

^This. You have your answer there.

KatharinaRosalie · 29/08/2019 12:55

'MIL was petsitting, we just got back and found out that she had asked several friends over to our house for a party, without ever mentioning it'

I bet must MN would be screeching about boundaries and going NC

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 29/08/2019 12:55

this one has brought out a majority with properly peculiar attitudes.

What's peculiar about telling the Op to ask her MIL or listen to her DH for whom the BBQ is supposed to be for as he doesn't think its a good idea?

I also don't think its peculiar to ask permission before bringing people into someone else's home whether you are doing them a favour not surely that's just basic manners?