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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let PILs in the house ever again

208 replies

IsThisYourSanderling · 29/08/2019 10:29

PILs live abroad and occasionally come to visit for 5 ish days. Ostensibly it’s to see the grandchildren (DS nearly 3, DD 9 months). Really it’s to ransack our house and rant at us.

Yesterday, we went out in the morning - we invited them, but they chose to stay at the house. When we returned at lunchtime, they were busy destroying the living room, rugs up, sofa dismantled, all our stuff piled up on surfaces, washing machine going, hoover out. DS starts crying, MIL starts ranting about the mess (it’s a normal family home with a normal amount of low level mess and a bit of dirt where the hoover can’t reach, because we have two young children and no support or childcare, but she talks about it as if it’s a doss house - it’s emphatically not). We asked her not to go into the bedrooms but she had, taking laundry out and moving things about. They rearranged our furniture. They dismantled DS’s reading nook.

They have always behaved like this, ever since I’ve known them. DH is a quivering wreck around MIL, do I don’t mind doing most of the arguing, as he goes into shutdown (childhood habit). I understand, as I’m NC with my own mother and he steps up to deal with her when necessary.

Anyway, they’re staying in a village Airbnb. I don’t want them to come back to the house again. MIL was insulting me in front of DS as he cried. I was asking them to stop, telling them that guests don’t behave like this and that their priority should be connecting with their grandchildren. Each time he sees them they only succeed in alienating him more with this behaviour - how can he warm to them while they rampage over his house and insult his parents?

We’re meeting up today and I’m not sure what to say/ how to play it. They go home on Sunday. I don’t want them back in the house, as they can’t control themselves there. They can never just sit and chat with the children.

Also they never praise anything we do, or any effort we make. MIL can be nice at times. DH won a big award recently and she didn’t even congratulate him. Our HV told me how lucky our children are to be growing up in such a lovely home with such caring parents - all I get from PILs is constant low level criticism.

How to proceed while they’re here? WIBU to say they can’t come to the house anymore?

OP posts:
Atalune · 29/08/2019 10:32

They do a deep clean? Is that right? How odd.

Just don’t leave them home alone? Hide the cleaning stuff?

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2019 10:33

Are they doing extreme cleaning? Dismantled the sofa? How?! Very bizarre behaviour. Have you said to them that they may not clean whilst in your house? And why were you out of the house leaving them in there, knowing how batshit they are?

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/08/2019 10:33

Offering sympathy - I once asked my PIL to come round to help me when I'd just had a new baby and the two year old toddler had started with a sickness bug. I just wanted someone to hold the baby so I could help the toddler. They came over and started cleaning like mad things, told me it was my lack of hygiene that had caused the bug (it wasn't, it was something he'd caught at nursery) and that I should get rid of the cats, as they were clearly making the children ill.

I eventually had to divorce to get rid of that one. Hoping you don't have to go down such stringent roads. I'd keep them out of the house, meet somewhere neutral and never let them in again. They won't understand your reasoning, so it's not worth telling them why.

MummyLikesCrisps · 29/08/2019 10:33

They sound very similar to my parents OP. I've LC now for my own sanity! Today, I suggest you sit down with them and explain how they make you feel (not that they will listen) and at the first sign of nonsense, stand up and leave!

underneaththeash · 29/08/2019 10:35

We can't leave my MIL in the house alone as she will try and "help".
Therefore if we go out, she goes out too.

I suggest you just do the same and if they try and do housework/washing remind them that you don't want them to.

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/08/2019 10:37

They dismantled your sofa Shock
You need to ask your husband what he wants

user1471441839 · 29/08/2019 10:38

This is wrong of your PIL. You and your family don't need such damaging behaviour in your lives. Keep strong X

katewhinesalot · 29/08/2019 10:41

They really wouldn't be entering my home again. It'd be up to dh to decide whether we continue the relationship outside the home or not, but enough is enough.

Do you want your kids to go into shut down mode every time they see their criticizing gp's?

elvis86 · 29/08/2019 10:46

Whilst I sympathise with threads like this and thank my lucky stars my family and in-laws aren't like that, I can't understand how these situations arise? Or at least why they arise more than once?!

First time you politely but firmly advise ILs that you don't need or want them rearranging your furniture etc.

Second time you remind them of the previous conversation and ask them to leave if they can't respect your wishes in your home?!

At least they're not staying with you! If you're even willing to see them again this visit (after MIL being rude about your house and slagging you off in front of your kid), I'd just tell them that as they can't respect your wishes in your home, it's not going to work them visiting you at home, and you're best meeting at a park or a pub etc.

It doesn't sound like your DH gets on with them. If they don't like your rules, they don't get to see you and their grandson. And it's a win for you!

They stand to lose out here, not you.

Apolloanddaphne · 29/08/2019 10:48

You need to tell them clearly that they have way overstepped the boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour. This is YOUR home and you have it how you want it and like it. They have no business interfering and imposing their own standards on your home and your life. Tell them that they are no longer welcome in your home as all trust has gone. You will go with them on days out so they can maintain a relationship with their grandchild but nothing more. If they return for future holidays you will continue use to meet them outwith your home. Do not argue with them. State this clearly and move on. Walk away if you need to.

Windydaysuponus · 29/08/2019 10:49

They clearly don't value a relationship with any of you tbh!! Why force one? Your dc need protecting from them not spending time with them imo.. Let dh see them if he wishes. Your ds likely won't want to!

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/08/2019 10:53

I think the thing with 'just telling them' is like when you just tell a child not to eat all the biscuits. They say all the right things, nod and agree and as soon as your back is turned they do it again. Because they have rationalised in their heads that their wishes trump yours.

Any reasonable person would realise that you don't turn up to someone's house and clean without invitation - it's a bloody weird thing to do! But these are not reasonable people. They think they are right and you are wrong (or not worth listening to).

Some people you just cannot 'tell'. You have to physically prevent (like the children with the biscuits).

Cheeserton · 29/08/2019 10:53

Fuck that! You say it's already a habit, keep them out.

KingscoteStaff · 29/08/2019 11:03

They DISMANTLED your SOFA??????????

Missingstreetlife · 29/08/2019 11:03

Are they safe to take dc out alone? If not I'd go very low contact and not let them in my home

DarlingNikita · 29/08/2019 11:04

They have always behaved like this, ever since I’ve known them

I don't understand how you'd let it happen more than once Confused If you must maintain contact with them, don't see them at your house, meet them out somewhere.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 29/08/2019 11:05

Did they put everything back together? If not, that's the first thing I'd have them do. Let it be the last time they come to your house. Send DH out with the children then you refuse to let them do anything other than right their wrongs.

I accept that's possibly impossible though. In which case, they never set foot in your house again. I hope they don't have keys. I'd read them the riot act and go NC.

Weezol · 29/08/2019 11:05

If your DH wants to keep in contact with them, he needs to do it independently and away from the house.

In all honesty I would not let them near the house again this visit, or facilitate any further visits. Your DS must have been terrified - they don't get to do that to him or you ever again.

I'm in my forties and my parents went non-contact with Dad's family when I was about three. I don’t miss them as I never knew them, and at various points I was given age appropriate explanations for their absence.

I was told the full truth in my late teens and I am very glad they went NC. He has sporadic contact with his siblings and it's clear his mother fucked them all up and then moved on to my cousins who are now adults desperately trying to break the cycle for their own kids.

Call a halt to this now for all your sakes.

MatildaTheCat · 29/08/2019 11:06

Change the locks (sounds as if they have keys?). Say nothing. When they try to get in and query this tell them you recently came home to a ransacked house and no longer feel safe.

Or simply request that the keys are returned and say why.

YANBU but it is hard. I had a similar time of it when DC were very young. MIL simply had to have stuff done her way. She rearranged all my kitchen cabinets while I was in hospital having DC1.

Jemima232 · 29/08/2019 11:06

I think the OP means that the PILs had taken all the soft parts of the sofa off so that they could hoover underneath.

I would actually be grateful they had done all this cleaning.

Missingstreetlife · 29/08/2019 11:06

I don't understand wleft them in your house if they have air bnb

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 29/08/2019 11:09

When you say dismantle the sofa what do you mean?

Remove the cushions and hoover under them? Or what?

And how did they destroy the living room? Was it flooded or something?

InterestingView · 29/08/2019 11:13

Is this some weird exaggeration? Have they actually took your sofa/reading nook/furniture apart or are you being dramatic? What wre they trying to achieve? Maybe your home is dirtier than you think and theyre doing it out of genuine concern for your children?

InterestingView · 29/08/2019 11:14

I have a feeling OPs house is really filthy and by dismantled she means moves the cushions and hoovered under them maybe? OP pics or it didnt happen. Just joking but I cant believe they'd actually unbolt sofas and furniture.

GatoFofo · 29/08/2019 11:15

YANBU, they sound controlling and unhinged. Who does that in someone else’s home?
Just be glad that they live overseas.

How does your DH feel? If he agrees, I’d be sure never to invite them to your home again. You can meet on neutral ground if they want to see their GC. And make it clear that if they insult you or your DH you will immediately end the visit.