To not let PILs in the house ever again

[IsThisYourSanderling]

PILs live abroad and occasionally come to visit for 5 ish days. Ostensibly it’s to see the grandchildren (DS nearly 3, DD 9 months). Really it’s to ransack our house and rant at us.

Yesterday, we went out in the morning - we invited them, but they chose to stay at the house. When we returned at lunchtime, they were busy destroying the living room, rugs up, sofa dismantled, all our stuff piled up on surfaces, washing machine going, hoover out. DS starts crying, MIL starts ranting about the mess (it’s a normal family home with a normal amount of low level mess and a bit of dirt where the hoover can’t reach, because we have two young children and no support or childcare, but she talks about it as if it’s a doss house - it’s emphatically not). We asked her not to go into the bedrooms but she had, taking laundry out and moving things about. They rearranged our furniture. They dismantled DS’s reading nook.

They have always behaved like this, ever since I’ve known them. DH is a quivering wreck around MIL, do I don’t mind doing most of the arguing, as he goes into shutdown (childhood habit). I understand, as I’m NC with my own mother and he steps up to deal with her when necessary.

Anyway, they’re staying in a village Airbnb. I don’t want them to come back to the house again. MIL was insulting me in front of DS as he cried. I was asking them to stop, telling them that guests don’t behave like this and that their priority should be connecting with their grandchildren. Each time he sees them they only succeed in alienating him more with this behaviour - how can he warm to them while they rampage over his house and insult his parents?

We’re meeting up today and I’m not sure what to say/ how to play it. They go home on Sunday. I don’t want them back in the house, as they can’t control themselves there. They can never just sit and chat with the children.

Also they never praise anything we do, or any effort we make. MIL can be nice at times. DH won a big award recently and she didn’t even congratulate him. Our HV told me how lucky our children are to be growing up in such a lovely home with such caring parents - all I get from PILs is constant low level criticism.

How to proceed while they’re here? WIBU to say they can’t come to the house anymore?

OP, clearly you PiL are utterly in the wrong. But i'm really interested that you say they're from overseas. I know there are very different cultural norms in different countries about cleaning and moving furniture. In one (Latin) country I lived in, I had a cleaner and every time I got home after she'd been, the house was completely rearranged. It took a while until she got that I'd done it how I like, and didn't want it moved. In hot countries, people are obsessed with washing and bleaching everything all the time. It just culturally much more acceptable.
So while your MiL's behaviour is batshit and she's clearly nasty to you and your poor DH, she probably thinks she's being a 'good' MiL. And that you're a dirty English slob
None of this is a justification, but maybe a partial explanation.
And no, don't go and live near them. That was one of the reasons we moved away from my OH's home country. Unbearable. There must be another way to escape Brexit (she says hopefully)

No offence but I reckon you are potentially quite scruffy that's why they want to deep clean your house

Clearly, you did mean to offend. You are fooling nobody.

OP, your PILs sound like an OTT version of my mother. In your case, I'd see them in neutral territory, away from your home.

"Dear PIL
If you want to keep seeing your grandkids stop coming over once a year to yell at us about how messy our home is and actually interact with your grandkids instead of yelling at us, insulting us and shouting at us in front of them. This behaviour is not acceptable . Thank you."

Nope,never again would they be welcome to my home!
We had many issues with my in laws and 17 years ago my hubs put his foot down and said ENOUGH!We haven't seen those horrible people since.Our kids came first and now at 19,17 and 15,they are old enough to know the entire truth.They never want to see or meet them,ever.
Which is easy bc one is in prison😳😳😳

Ps and "It is impacting negatively on your relationship with them and they only see u shouting at us abd are therefore scared of you and you are only hurting your relationship with them. You may he "trying to help" but all they see is an angry shouty person and a big mess. They are small. Please realise that it is my job to protect them . Abd your job is to be a grandparent and enjoy them, and if you wabt to continuedoing so you need to reel in it".

And*

No I didn't miss that info I just know all the excuses.

Sorry. I didn't realise you knew the OP and her personal situation.

As for wondering how you dismantle a sofa - some modern sofas are sectional, and click together. They may have separated the sections to move it around.
It sounds like a horrible situation, and I would absolutely not allow them back in the house again. The whole relationship sounds toxic, for the whole family.
I hope your DS, and DH, (and you) recover from this latest stressful situation. Be strong. And my thoughts go to you and your family.

Learn all the most terrible insults in their own language and say them repeatedly until they become so outraged they leave your home and never return. Then block them on everything and live in peace for the rest of your life.

WOW - Tell them to stay at my house next time, i will go out and they can crack on! :)

I would let the visit end then I would write a letter (more personal) pointing all this out.

Be polite but to the point, stating in no uncertain terms that their future visits will consist of more contact/family time with the GC and yourselves, not cleaning YOUR home!

GL

They definitely wouldn’t be welcome in my home!

@glennamy how is a letter more personal than in person

@lovepoppy

I read the OP:

'DH is a quivering wreck around MIL, do I don’t mind doing most of the arguing, as he goes into shutdown (childhood habit). I understand, as I’m NC with my own mother and he steps up to deal with her when necessary.'

So to avoid making the situation worse for DH / children my suggestion stands, the ball is then in MIL court to accept the new guidelines or miss out in the future!

I read the op too.

How is a letter sent after the fact more personal than in person? You didn’t actually answer. Do you actually mean more likely to keep the peace?

all A letter is in this case is something for MIL to use against Op. she’ll show everyone she knows how horrible her Dil is.

A letter is in this case is something for MIL to use against Op. she’ll show everyone she knows how horrible her Dil

Yep. Always talk face to face. You can guarantee that a letter, email or text will be shown around and misinterpreted in every way possible.

That would be my advice for pretty much every MN family/friend problem.

I hope the afternoon went well

My mother, who does have issues around cleaning went in our flat with my aunties and cleaned the whole place whilst we were at work.

She got the land lord to open our doors for her under some pretext.

She then ranted none stop at us at gone midnight until another tenant threatened to call the police.
Apparently we had made her clean the flat She had, had to take time out of her busy schedule, how we lived was disgusting and how could we live like slobs.
She even came round one evening to get me to go home as it was obvious I couldn't look after myself.

We used to leave the flat at 7am to go to work then go and work at other places after work virtually every day.

The flat was somewhere where we could crash out.. We never ate anything more than toast and coffee or cereal there.

Landlord got a rocketing from us.

Very soon after I went NC changed my name and moved 200 miles away and disappeared.

It is not just MILs that do this sort of thing.

Huge hugs OP. My MIL can be a little like this, though nowhere near as bad as yours. My MIL also gives me constant low level criticism and in front of my kids, whom are old enough to understand her undermining me . She has never praised me and has a dig at all the things she did brilliantly with her kids and I don't do well enough, what I could do, etc. She regularly cleans my oven when I dare to leave her alone in the house.
Like you, we have no childcare or support and a child with SEN. Its hard, I feel ya! I have a DH who daren't say boo to her either and in our early days, it placed so much pressure on us. It was the only source of arguments. I chose (about 8 years ago) to start letting it go over my head and to be glad someone would do the oven, etc. It took me a while to be able to do this though.

I undersrand that your PILs are a notch up from this. Perhaps some neutral mediation with a 3rd party might help?

Wishing you the very best OP xx

Yanbu!

But quite apart from the cleaning, there is more than enough reason to go LC or NC if they make your son cry by shouting at you and turn your DH into a quivering wreck as part of a history of vile behaviour.

I agree with pp that your children do not need or deserve the toxicity.

Yep Im afraid you have similar parents to my own (and my Dh's), who also live a long way away - and unfortunately I think its their own unique and misguided way of showing they care and want to make up for all the times they cant help you. Its utterly frustrating and puts me right bak into submissive child mode.

Its pointless fighting it tho. Turn it into a joke - let them get on with it but give them a time limit. ie you can do what you need to this morning but then we stop and do something fun with the kids.

I think you'll find the criticism will calm down if you just let them do what they feel they need to. Honestly try and look at the positive side - its pretty cool sometimes to have someone do that deep clean for you. Take back control mentally and you'll be able to see this differently.

I also find that as the kids get past the toddler and baby stage they do this less as the kids really do have other plans for their grandparents ;)

Figamol, one has to be careful allowing critism and being undermined.
It can harm self esteem.

If these people have damaged your husband as much as you have indicated (your mil by being batshit and fil by enabling) keep these people away from your children. They have reduced a successful lovely man into a quivering wreck. The only reason I would expose anyone to that behaviour is an example of people to avoid. And I wouldn't want a child to learn that lesson! And If they do that to your house behind your back - what do you think they would do to your children. Nc or arms length.

I get it too. I’d have to be in the right mood and then I’d do it really well and enjoy it.

I'm the same re: things like the bookcase - it would have tipped me over the edge (seriously).

I am not quite sane when it comes to these things and I would honestly have sat and cried, and even if I had unpacked the lot and started again, the gloss would have been taken off my joy in it. I know I'm cracked, but I can't help it. It's a gut reaction and beyond my conscious control.

Time for DH to step up. This is your home. They are your children. You will live how you wish. If they don't like it then they can do one. Told my own mother this years ago. She sulked for a while but came round to my thinking. Didn't stop her dissing me to my own siblings, but they all knew what she is like. Be strong.

Thank you Cherry, Amcor and Schadenfreude - glad I'm not the only one!

The sad thing was that the bookcase is right outside the bathroom, so leaving piles of books all over the floor for days wasn't going to be practical. I'm sort of over it not really but to be fair MIL hasn't done anything like that since.

IsthisyourSanderling - have they been back? What happened?