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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let PILs in the house ever again

208 replies

IsThisYourSanderling · 29/08/2019 10:29

PILs live abroad and occasionally come to visit for 5 ish days. Ostensibly it’s to see the grandchildren (DS nearly 3, DD 9 months). Really it’s to ransack our house and rant at us.

Yesterday, we went out in the morning - we invited them, but they chose to stay at the house. When we returned at lunchtime, they were busy destroying the living room, rugs up, sofa dismantled, all our stuff piled up on surfaces, washing machine going, hoover out. DS starts crying, MIL starts ranting about the mess (it’s a normal family home with a normal amount of low level mess and a bit of dirt where the hoover can’t reach, because we have two young children and no support or childcare, but she talks about it as if it’s a doss house - it’s emphatically not). We asked her not to go into the bedrooms but she had, taking laundry out and moving things about. They rearranged our furniture. They dismantled DS’s reading nook.

They have always behaved like this, ever since I’ve known them. DH is a quivering wreck around MIL, do I don’t mind doing most of the arguing, as he goes into shutdown (childhood habit). I understand, as I’m NC with my own mother and he steps up to deal with her when necessary.

Anyway, they’re staying in a village Airbnb. I don’t want them to come back to the house again. MIL was insulting me in front of DS as he cried. I was asking them to stop, telling them that guests don’t behave like this and that their priority should be connecting with their grandchildren. Each time he sees them they only succeed in alienating him more with this behaviour - how can he warm to them while they rampage over his house and insult his parents?

We’re meeting up today and I’m not sure what to say/ how to play it. They go home on Sunday. I don’t want them back in the house, as they can’t control themselves there. They can never just sit and chat with the children.

Also they never praise anything we do, or any effort we make. MIL can be nice at times. DH won a big award recently and she didn’t even congratulate him. Our HV told me how lucky our children are to be growing up in such a lovely home with such caring parents - all I get from PILs is constant low level criticism.

How to proceed while they’re here? WIBU to say they can’t come to the house anymore?

OP posts:
Celestine70 · 30/08/2019 18:59

I wouldn't let them back in.

Babysharkisanearworm · 30/08/2019 18:59

In-laws. We invited you to our home to spend time with the grandchildren. It is not necessary or welcome to return to the chaos we saw yesterday or for you to bad mouth me at any time, let alone in front of the children. You have stepped over the line and disrespected boundaries.
It is clear that we have different ideas of spending time with the children.so in future we will meet outside the home so you can focus on them and them only.

CountryGirl1234 · 30/08/2019 18:59

Is simply tell them to piss off. They’re on a different planet. Weirdos.

MmeBoulaye · 30/08/2019 19:00

When you meet up with them, tell them you need to always meet on neutral territory from now on and future visits eg. park/cafe/restaurant because of how disconcerting and inappropriate their behaviour is. And say that because it makes you feel so uncomfortable, surely they don’t want to visit your house because they’re clearly uncomfortable too. Good luck!

Babysharkisanearworm · 30/08/2019 19:07

Oh and if I had walked into that after asking them what they were doing, my next word would be...
OUT!

LucyAutumn · 30/08/2019 19:07

How did you get on today OP?

CorBlimeyGovenor · 30/08/2019 19:10

Tell them that you have moved. Send me some family photos to stick up on my walls, the send them round to mine!

In their own way they probably thought that they were being helpful. Also, people get far more set in their ways as they get older and forget what it's like to be constantly cleaning up after children. I doubt that your DS, at three years old, would pick up on any 'insults' levelled at you. Particularly if you didn't react in front of him. Some people just are unknowingly critical/pessimistic. My mother is one of these. Whatever I do, it never seems enough. Her house is unbelievably minimalistic and clinically clean. She lacks tact and really has very little awareness of how her actions can be interpreted. Yet, I suspect that she is really very proud of me. She certainly adores her grandchildren, but would rather clean than interact with them. Now, as they're getting older and less hard work, she is more interested. Your PILs might not even be aware of how they are coming across! P.s. if you think that they are bad and overstepped the mark, I made the mistake of allowing my mother to look after my dog (long coated spaniel) when I was on holiday last week. Came back to discover a small rat like thing in its place. She had taken him off to the groomers (he's never been before) and had him shaved! All over!! So that he made less mess at hers during the week that he stayed there! Just be thankful that she's not your MIL.

MissPepper8 · 30/08/2019 19:17

I have a problem MIL, @IsThisYourSanderling (she's not come into my home and ever critised it) but she is full of opinions.. Generally a hard work person.

My solution, they live about an hour away so we always meet at a half way place. So places DS can have fun (farms, soft play, gardens, beaches) and we can go for food after and leave!!

Maybe suggest a day out with the kids and a meal after or fish and chips and then go your seperate ways for the evenings.

SaintWillibald · 30/08/2019 19:38

@CorBlimeyGovenor I would be heartbroken if someone did that to our dog without our permission but that has really made me chuckle Grin

Davespecifico · 30/08/2019 19:39

They’re not your parents, there his. It his his responsibility to keep them away from your house. You don’t have to let them back in. You need never see them again. They aren’t acting as good grandparents so no need for the relationship with the children.

Davespecifico · 30/08/2019 19:40

They’re not there

Tubs11 · 30/08/2019 19:56

Are you being a tad dramatic? Dismantle the sofa? I read that as they took the cushions off to hoover underneath and your little boy probably started crying because of the noise or maybe because he was tired? Are you sure she was ranting at you? I only ask cause reading between the lines it looks like you're seeing red and bigging this up for sympathy on MN so that everyone agrees with you. I'm not saying they weren't in the wrong but I'm not entirely sure its as manic as you're making out. I'd think very carefully before going NC, that is your husband's parents and your DC grandparents. Although I don't particularly love my PILs, I love my husband and want my children to have a close bond with them. I adored my grandparent growing up and I would never deny them the same. Talk to and set boundaries with them, it's amazing what can be achieved throw good communication!

LovePoppy · 30/08/2019 20:03

I hope today went well @IsThisYourSanderling. I sincerely hope you didn’t cave.

Something to remember, the enabler is worse than the offender. They’ve invested years keeping offender happy. They won’t let you rock the boat. The shit with the inheritance (fuck that btw) will seem like toddler tactics

Catastrophejane · 30/08/2019 20:12

Oh god - sounds like my ex- MIL. You could go down the reasonable route, but in my experience, people who behave like that just continue until you have to be rude and direct. I’d just tell her it’s not on. It’s your house and she doesn’t do anything in it without your permission. It will save you a lot of time...something tells me you’d never be best of friends anyway...

Davespecifico · 30/08/2019 20:13

Tubs11, the description may be a bit dramatic, but it just may be that she has absolutely nightmare PILS. If they are truly awful, they’ll win in any attempts to use communication, because they’ll manipulate the conversation.

Cherrysoup · 30/08/2019 20:16

I know it's pathetic but I'd been really looking forward to going through and sorting my packed books into that new bookcase, without having to take piles out beforehand.

No, I get it, it’s exactly the kind of thing I’d set aside time to do and really look forward to it. I think I would have emptied the lot and started again, even if it meant books piled up all over the floor for days.

Amcor · 30/08/2019 20:36

I get it too. I’d have to be in the right mood and then I’d do it really well and enjoy it.

How DARE someone unpack for you. That’s awful.

FelicisNox · 30/08/2019 20:43

I agree with @Apolloanddaphne.

YANBU, they are. If you are brave enough and DH agrees I would also mention the long standing negative effect they've had on your DH and how you will no longer tolerate their bullying behaviour.

They got away with it with him and now they are doing it to their grandchild: it's your job to protect them both so do it.

As others have said: they have more to lose than you. Remind them of that.

Ridiclious · 30/08/2019 20:48

I asked MIL for help with DD1 and 2 when I had D&V. She left them alone in the playroom while she mopped the kitchen floor! PILs can be useless at understanding other people's standards and priorities. YANBU to not let them in again. Meet outside the home by all means so they get to know their grandson but nope not in your house again.

ceilingdrum · 30/08/2019 21:14

No offence but I reckon you are potentially quite scruffy that's why they want to deep clean your house

acatcalledjohn · 30/08/2019 21:33

@ceilingdrum Oh well, that settles it. It must be acceptable behaviour from the PIL then. I'm guessing you missed this info in the OP:

MIL starts ranting about the mess (it’s a normal family home with a normal amount of low level mess and a bit of dirt where the hoover can’t reach, because we have two young children and no support or childcare, but she talks about it as if it’s a doss house - it’s emphatically not). We asked her not to go into the bedrooms but she had, taking laundry out and moving things about. They rearranged our furniture. They dismantled DS’s reading nook.

ceilingdrum · 30/08/2019 21:47

No I didn't miss that info I just know all the excuses.

NotSorry · 30/08/2019 21:58

No I didn't miss that info I just know all the excuses

Biscuit
Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 30/08/2019 22:26

No I didn't miss that info I just know all the excuses

Biscuit
Sunshine93 · 30/08/2019 22:30

ceilingdrum it doesn't matter if the OP's house is a shithole it doesn't mean the in laws are any less rude.

I really hope you didn't let them in. Don't let your children see you treated like this and accepting it. The cycle will continue. You need to break it.

And I doubt your house is anything other than normal. There will always be people who judge others because their house is not show home style immaculate. They are not good people. Anyone who judges a person by the neatness of their home is a judgemental twat! It's people that matter.