To not let PILs in the house ever again

[IsThisYourSanderling]

PILs live abroad and occasionally come to visit for 5 ish days. Ostensibly it’s to see the grandchildren (DS nearly 3, DD 9 months). Really it’s to ransack our house and rant at us.

Yesterday, we went out in the morning - we invited them, but they chose to stay at the house. When we returned at lunchtime, they were busy destroying the living room, rugs up, sofa dismantled, all our stuff piled up on surfaces, washing machine going, hoover out. DS starts crying, MIL starts ranting about the mess (it’s a normal family home with a normal amount of low level mess and a bit of dirt where the hoover can’t reach, because we have two young children and no support or childcare, but she talks about it as if it’s a doss house - it’s emphatically not). We asked her not to go into the bedrooms but she had, taking laundry out and moving things about. They rearranged our furniture. They dismantled DS’s reading nook.

They have always behaved like this, ever since I’ve known them. DH is a quivering wreck around MIL, do I don’t mind doing most of the arguing, as he goes into shutdown (childhood habit). I understand, as I’m NC with my own mother and he steps up to deal with her when necessary.

Anyway, they’re staying in a village Airbnb. I don’t want them to come back to the house again. MIL was insulting me in front of DS as he cried. I was asking them to stop, telling them that guests don’t behave like this and that their priority should be connecting with their grandchildren. Each time he sees them they only succeed in alienating him more with this behaviour - how can he warm to them while they rampage over his house and insult his parents?

We’re meeting up today and I’m not sure what to say/ how to play it. They go home on Sunday. I don’t want them back in the house, as they can’t control themselves there. They can never just sit and chat with the children.

Also they never praise anything we do, or any effort we make. MIL can be nice at times. DH won a big award recently and she didn’t even congratulate him. Our HV told me how lucky our children are to be growing up in such a lovely home with such caring parents - all I get from PILs is constant low level criticism.

How to proceed while they’re here? WIBU to say they can’t come to the house anymore?

Have they cleaned the air B and B? Just asking cos my friend has one and she hates cleaning it. She’d be thrilled

Whoops sorry, her narrative that her son is a shambles and she’s a sorely wronged, long suffering mother who labours hard to fix his shambolic ways, for all the thanks she gets...

Yes * that’s obviously right

Yes whosorry, even

So the question remains how to play it today.

Stay calm and point out that you find their need to clean your house insulting. You want them to instead enjoy the time with your son, relax and have a good time.

I'd stay clear of any mention of them not playing with your son as that will only inflame the situation.

My PiL didn't understand polite hints. They only understood when they were banned from the house.

In that case your husband can 'checkmate' her narrative with his narrative
His narrative should be something like 'my parents are denied access to my home, no exceptions'

I wouldn't mind anyone coming to deep clean my house. But I certainly wouldn't put up with being haranged

I don't think YWBU to ban them from your house. Their behaviour sounds shocking. My DM has been known to make snide remarks to my DSis and I about the state of our windows/work surfaces/sinks, etc, but we've told her that if she doesn't like it, well, she knows where the door is. I'd be going LC if they way they speak to you is anything to go by: what possible good can your DC get from forging a relationship with these people? What happens when your DC are doing something that PIL don't agree with? By letting them get away with it, it's basically showing your DC that people are allowed to talk to you that way. They aren't, no matter who they are.

Thanks for the supportive comments, it’s really cathartic reading them and being reminded of how odd, controlling, and disrespectful the behaviour is. MIL has always been a major problem. FIL is the reason we haven’t gone NC - he is weak and an enabler for his wife (who he bitches about the minute she leaves the room - but he’d never say anything to her face and always, always begs people who do stand up to her to please not). He’s in his seventies, and his weakness is infuriating but it’s the result of a fifty year marriage to a woman who despises him. He is quite funny and good humoured usually, good with children, good and sympathetic relationship with DH when MIL isn’t around. We can’t have a relationship with him without MIL also being there, I guess that’s the problem.

They sound completely mentally ill tbh. Who behaves like that?
I would refuse to see them and take the children out with me. If your OH wants to deal with his idiot parents then let him. Maybe your house is dirty, maybe it is not.
If it is, suggest you start cleaning on your own terms for the kids sakes. If it isn't then bugger them

So her DS is incompetent in her mind and needs to be told. What do they think of you? Are you (hypocritically) not good enough for her poor boy and need to be put in your place?

Actually something like this happened to me in my job... I was a churchwarden and someone started cleaning the kitchen screeching 'filthy! filthy!'. Of course she got me into trouble. The fact is she was OCD.

‘femfemlicious

I wouldn't mind anyone coming to deep clean my housegrin. But I certainly wouldn't put up with being haranged’

But that’s different!!

OP does mind, specifically said no and they still did it. It’s not ok

Oh god mumofamenagerie have some of these What a cow. Yes to the manipulation. MIL once blocked FIL from sending DH some inheritance money from his dead aunt (FIL’s sister) until DH had agreed to buy the kind of car she wanted him to buy with it, First we liked another one, and she refused to transfer the money. It wasn’t her money, but FIL wouldn’t take charge and it was either go along with her, or not get it at all. She’d already given DH’s brothers their share but was withholding DH’s. Just very controlling.

I hope your DH put two fingers up at his mother once he had the money and bought the car you wanted?

DH is a quivering wreck around MIL, do I don’t mind doing most of the arguing, as he goes into shutdown (childhood habit)
Yet you think it's a good idea to let this woman have a rolew and influence in your dc's lives?!!!!

FIL CHOOSES to enable MIL. He CHOOSES not to have a relationship with you that's separate from MIL.
He's been like this his whole life - he didn't even protect his son from her abuse.

Stop making excuses as to why you can't put strong boundaries in place.

OP my friend had a MiL a bit like yours.

The MIL would empty her cupboards of stuff, would buy "proper" food, buy "decent" clothes for the kids, and generally insult her parenting and cooking. And cleaning lol.

My friend spent years being infuriated, insulted and angry.

She eventually got to a place where she was indifferent and just rolled her eyes. And laughed at the MIL's shenanigans.

The sooner you get to that place the better you'll feel.

I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour for anyone's sake OP (DH or FIL) tell her to GTF, and do not let her into your home again, you poor wee boy, that is bloody horrible.

SIL had controlling family, never saw her inheritance because she had married outside their religion.

I am pretty laid back but if someone started rearranging my furniture and then having a go at me in front of my children I would be pretty angry. It is infantelising to rearrange or clean someone else's home to your own preferences without their permission.

My ex MIL once used the emergency key to enter the house while we were on holiday and paint over our accent wall as she thought the room looked better white. She also threw away my cushions and bought new ones. There is no reasoning with people like this, in their heads they are doing your a favour and you are being a brat to object. She often called me and my ex H 'the children' to others which basically surmised her view of us.

Your DH is an adult and it is up to him what relationship he has with them, but you can certainly say they can't visit unsupervised or that you don't want to see them at all.

god, these kinds of stories always make me so sad. The thing is, as I get older I'm starting to recognize that a few of my female friends and acquaintances are going to be this mother or mother-in-law. It's weird, but just one or two women I know, I have this creeping feeling as I watch how they interact with their child, that this is where it is all headed.

I have sympathy for your husband. I look at these kids and realize this is what they are going to grow up with, and I can understand how it's difficult to undo a lifetimes worth of habits. For those people who just say your husband should stand up to her, I can imagine its really not that simple.

OP if you can get through to them and they accept their "help" isn't wanted, I personally wouldn't ban them from the house. That's a bit extreme, and whilst I appreciate that emotions are high, you can't take that stuff back.

I wouldn't have them back in the house, attended or unattended.

There's absolutely no need to allow this sort of attitude and behaviour within your own four walls. Clearly your DH isn't able to stand up to her any more than his father is - but YOU are, so you tell them that you will see them outside of your home but they are no longer welcome there. Tell them as well that you're sure that, since they think it is such a midden, it will be as much of a relief to them as it is to you for them to never have to set foot inside again.

I'd be outraged. I was outraged enough when my MIL and husband started rearranging stuff while I was away with my DSs in the UK - and she washed some antique jade grapes and completely trashed them because the antiquated covering on the wire stems just disintegrated. The worst part was neither of the fuckers TOLD me, they just waited to see if I'd notice (of course!). And then there was the bookcase incident.
But at least I can tell my MIL that her interference is unwelcome and she's not to do it - she has got that message and doesn't do it any more.

My mil used the spare key to enter my flat and totally rearrange everything in it. And I mean everything>. Furniture, make up, cupboards, drawers, clothes, kitchen, personal papers.
Differences is DH went spare, she nor fil, who was her enabler, was never in the flat again. I've no time for weak husbands who let their wives abuse their children for a quiet life.