To not let PILs in the house ever again

[IsThisYourSanderling]

PILs live abroad and occasionally come to visit for 5 ish days. Ostensibly it’s to see the grandchildren (DS nearly 3, DD 9 months). Really it’s to ransack our house and rant at us.

Yesterday, we went out in the morning - we invited them, but they chose to stay at the house. When we returned at lunchtime, they were busy destroying the living room, rugs up, sofa dismantled, all our stuff piled up on surfaces, washing machine going, hoover out. DS starts crying, MIL starts ranting about the mess (it’s a normal family home with a normal amount of low level mess and a bit of dirt where the hoover can’t reach, because we have two young children and no support or childcare, but she talks about it as if it’s a doss house - it’s emphatically not). We asked her not to go into the bedrooms but she had, taking laundry out and moving things about. They rearranged our furniture. They dismantled DS’s reading nook.

They have always behaved like this, ever since I’ve known them. DH is a quivering wreck around MIL, do I don’t mind doing most of the arguing, as he goes into shutdown (childhood habit). I understand, as I’m NC with my own mother and he steps up to deal with her when necessary.

Anyway, they’re staying in a village Airbnb. I don’t want them to come back to the house again. MIL was insulting me in front of DS as he cried. I was asking them to stop, telling them that guests don’t behave like this and that their priority should be connecting with their grandchildren. Each time he sees them they only succeed in alienating him more with this behaviour - how can he warm to them while they rampage over his house and insult his parents?

We’re meeting up today and I’m not sure what to say/ how to play it. They go home on Sunday. I don’t want them back in the house, as they can’t control themselves there. They can never just sit and chat with the children.

Also they never praise anything we do, or any effort we make. MIL can be nice at times. DH won a big award recently and she didn’t even congratulate him. Our HV told me how lucky our children are to be growing up in such a lovely home with such caring parents - all I get from PILs is constant low level criticism.

How to proceed while they’re here? WIBU to say they can’t come to the house anymore?

Maybe your house just isn't very clean, OP.

Oh, do one. How dare you?

How on earth do you dismantle a sofa. You take the cushions off and hoover, maybe take the covers off if washable, you don't take it to bits. Are they buying you a new one?

If they're staying somewhere else, I would just be inclined to meet them out of the house every time.

They suggest coming round, you say 'why don't we meet at the pub/soft play/park' or wherever. They say they'd prefer to come to you, you say 'the park would work better for us'.

Either they get the hint or ask why. Then you say 'we feel you've been disrespectful to us in our own home. We still want to maintain a relationship with you, but we're not prepared for that to be in our home'.

And see what happens.

Sounds like they lifted everything off the floor and gave it a good hoover, and put a wash on.

Probably thought they were helping their busy son and DIL who have small children and no support.

The bastards.

Probably thought they were helping their busy son and DIL who have small children and no support.

Does that usually involve insulting and ranting their DIL and making their grandchildren cry then?

When you say dismantle I'm assuming you mean remove books from the shelf and cushions off the sofa to clean properly? If that's the case isn't that how most people clean regularly? It sounds like they think they are helping? I don't know why you would leave them alone in your home if they have a habit of doing this.

I'm torn because on the one hand you've asked them not to so that's a major overstep, and on the other hand it just sounds like they hoovered and put the wash on. Had you already cleaned before they came?

YANBU, @IsThisYourSanderling (brilliant user name, by the way).

My mum and dad will sometimes do little jobs around the house when they come and stay, but genuinely helpful things - eg once I came home when they were staying and my mum had cleaned the inside of the windows for me because I'd mentioned in passing the previous day that I must get round to doing them, and as they love gardening they'll sometimes do a bit of weeding or something. But they would never, ever in a million years rearrange furniture, go into bedrooms without asking, snoop in my laundry or criticise my housework! I'm kind of stunned that anyone would think that was OK.

And of course, it absolutely goes without saying that they should not be shouting at you or insulting you in front of your child. That's never OK.

You would be well within your rights not to have them at your house again, but if you do, I would make it very clear that a) you will ask them to leave the moment they start sniping at the condition of the place and b) they are on no account allowed to be there on their own while you're out and that if you go out, they must come with you.

The problem is there seems to be no repercussions for their behaviour bar arguing. It’s like a yo-yo, they’ve massively disrespected you and they’re not good role models for your child.

Why are you continuing to give them the time of day?

No we’re not coming to meet you today, your behaviour was disgusting and unacceptable, thanks bye.

I can empathise, OP! My mum does exactly the same if she's let in the house, it's horrible and stressful for everyone. And for those who think, 'Wow, how lovely!', it isn't done from a place of care, but of manipulation. It's not just cleaning, but things like rearranging my cupboards to be how she wants them and throwing things I love away, to be replaced with things she's bought (unwanted!) with a list of how much it cost. Any request not to do this and she bursts into tears and sobs, saying what a failure as a mother she is to have brought up such an untidy child. (I'm in my late thirties, have great qualifications, am married, have a good job and no debts, and try to be kind and helpful to others.)

There is nothing you can do to stop your PIL doing this if they are anything like my mum. I used to do a deep clean in preparation for a visit, and my mum would come in and swipe her finger around all door frames and skirting boards looking for any trace of dirt. Cupboards would be pulled apart, drawers pulled out looking for fault.

Don't let them in the house. Meet only at neutral locations. Good luck

@SoupDragon

I'm taking that with a pinch of salt as the OP also used emotive language eg they 'destroyed' the room and 'dismantled' the sofa.

YANBU. They would not be coming into my house again.

Personally I would not be meeting them elsewhere either, or exposing my children to them. If your DH is a quivering wreck around your MIL then that really tells you all you need to know.

I'm taking that with a pinch of salt

Oh right. So you're making shit up to suit your own agenda. Got it.

Don't bother explaining anything to them, just prevent them

My MiL did this kind of thing - going into our bedroom, when she stayed with us, and rooting through the clothes basket for things to wash I asked her not to, but she ignored me. Next time I went out I locked the bedroom door and hid the key over another door. When I came home she and FiL joked about what a job they'd had to find the key So the next time I took the key with me, and came home to find that my husband (now ex) had kicked the door in in a temper because he couldn't get in.

There's nothing you can do with people who don't recognise that you are entitled to any boundaries. My PiL were eventually banned from the house and had to stay elsewhere when they came to visit, weren't allowed through my door.

I could maybe put up with the cleaning downstairs, bit of hoovering, washing up. But to dismantle a childs reading area and go upstairs is just awful.

I do help with washing up, will mop a floor, tidy up toys for my lot, but that is where it stops. I have bought washing home when DD in hospital having babies.

What is unforgivable is the children being exposed to shouty grandparents throwing abuse around. I would not put up with that nor should you or your children OP. Your OH well he has to decide what he wants to do.

Thanks all, I’m reading but not able to reply till later. No apology from MIL today of course. We’ll keep them away from the house and not invite them back. Ffs.

@SoupDragon

If the OP comes back and confirms they actually dismantled the sofa, as opposed to taking off the cushions, I'll stand corrected.

To go to someone's house and clean, when they have asked for your help, is lovely.

To do it against their express wishes is absolutely the opposite - its' judgemental, undermining, and cruel.

Your DH needs to get some help - therapy basically - and take this on. We had the same issue and a few firm words did sort it out. You just have to be absolutely explicit that it's not helping, not welcome, and destructive to the relationship.

Oh by dismantled the sofa I mean removed all the cushion covers that are supposed to be permanently attached, ready to chuck them in the washing machine, which you’re not supposed to do. It’s honestly not a filthy house. ages resorting to doing that to the sofa because there’s not a huge amount else to do, but she wants to maintain her narrative

My DD has a corner couch that can also go longways straight.

It is taken apart to do a deep clean, so therefore dismantled.

When I'm babysitting and the children have gone to bed, I'll often do one job and then put it how it was.

You don't put a room into chaos, in someone else's house. Especially unasked for. I'm not asked to clean, but i know my DD doesn't object.

Tney should have at least been in contact with the OP and asked her when she was back, so they'd finished and the room back to normal.

They certainly shouldn't be insulting and criticising. Anyone who rants in front of the children should be banned from the house.

If they can't conduct themselves appropriately and aren't of any positive benefit, then stop the meeting up. It isn't worth it.

Do not engage with them over their behaviour, any explanations about why this isn't on will be used by them as tools with which to wrestle you into submission.
This is purely and simply a way to extend their power and domination over you, it's about their right to do as they please in your home undermining your power and authority positioning themselves as the king and queen above you.

Sounds like they lifted everything off the floor and gave it a good hoover, and put a wash on. Probably thought they were helping their busy son and DIL who have small children and no support.

How can that be consistent with dismantling the sofa and their son's reading nook, and going into the bedrooms and taking stuff out when they've been specifically asked not to? Let alone ranting at and insulting OP.

Maybe your house just isn't very clean, OP.

And they thought they were doing you a favour.

Yes, of course, you’re right.

If the OP’s house isn’t very clean that negates all her rights, and gives people carte blanche to trample over her boundaries and treat her like a child.

Fair enough OP, removing covers isn't on.

in their minds you are inherently inferior, underlings, mere children, they do not listen to the words explanations and justifications of mere children
Because in their minds you are mere children, whatever you say they just humour you and then do what they want
because they know best and they are in charge