To not let PILs in the house ever again

[IsThisYourSanderling]

PILs live abroad and occasionally come to visit for 5 ish days. Ostensibly it’s to see the grandchildren (DS nearly 3, DD 9 months). Really it’s to ransack our house and rant at us.

Yesterday, we went out in the morning - we invited them, but they chose to stay at the house. When we returned at lunchtime, they were busy destroying the living room, rugs up, sofa dismantled, all our stuff piled up on surfaces, washing machine going, hoover out. DS starts crying, MIL starts ranting about the mess (it’s a normal family home with a normal amount of low level mess and a bit of dirt where the hoover can’t reach, because we have two young children and no support or childcare, but she talks about it as if it’s a doss house - it’s emphatically not). We asked her not to go into the bedrooms but she had, taking laundry out and moving things about. They rearranged our furniture. They dismantled DS’s reading nook.

They have always behaved like this, ever since I’ve known them. DH is a quivering wreck around MIL, do I don’t mind doing most of the arguing, as he goes into shutdown (childhood habit). I understand, as I’m NC with my own mother and he steps up to deal with her when necessary.

Anyway, they’re staying in a village Airbnb. I don’t want them to come back to the house again. MIL was insulting me in front of DS as he cried. I was asking them to stop, telling them that guests don’t behave like this and that their priority should be connecting with their grandchildren. Each time he sees them they only succeed in alienating him more with this behaviour - how can he warm to them while they rampage over his house and insult his parents?

We’re meeting up today and I’m not sure what to say/ how to play it. They go home on Sunday. I don’t want them back in the house, as they can’t control themselves there. They can never just sit and chat with the children.

Also they never praise anything we do, or any effort we make. MIL can be nice at times. DH won a big award recently and she didn’t even congratulate him. Our HV told me how lucky our children are to be growing up in such a lovely home with such caring parents - all I get from PILs is constant low level criticism.

How to proceed while they’re here? WIBU to say they can’t come to the house anymore?

You need to tell them that they upset your child by insulting you and his home in front of him. Tell them they can’t come into your house again because that is what is best for your DS from now on.

If they start shouting, crying or causing a fuss just leave. Don’t argue back with them, just calmly tell them that they upset your child in his home and you won’t let them do that again.

For the life of me I can never understand why anyone would want their children to have a relationship with toxic people just because they are related. Look at the effect this has had on your DH. Who’s to say they won’t do this to your DC’s too?

I would sit with your DH and decide between you on how much contact is healthy. He is in the F.O.G. and could probably benefit from going NC (and if up for it, some counselling too). Bare minimum would be no longer welcome in your home and don’t even be sorry about it.

Nah fuck em. They behave awfully in your house - new unbreakable rule, meet them outside of the home. Easier to walk straight away if they start being an arse too.

I wouldnt even meet up with them. Theyve clearly gone too far.

If you're meeting them today - is it in your home or outside of the home?
If it is in your home, as soon as they start getting up to dismantle the normality that is your home, you state very clearly "MiL/FiL, as you're unable to simply visit and not begin doing some form of cleaning/destruction of our belongings, we are going to have to ask you to leave. Guests, including family, simply do not do this sort of thing. We feel it is rude and quite unnecessary. You are more than welcome to stay if you will simply sit and chat or play with the grandchildren or have a cup of tea and some biscuits. Now, what's it to be?".
If it is meeting them outside your home you can have a similar conversation but perhaps couch it like you're actually asking them for their advice for a 'friend' who has visitors who behave in a similar way...so "MiL/Fil, I'm wondering if we could get your advice on something. Our good friend "Sarah" has these visitors and she simply doesn't know how to move past some behavior that they do while they are visiting her"
Outline, using similar examples of what they do in your house but it's happening to Sarah and then finish up with "How would you deal with a visitor like that? What nugget of advice would you have that we could pass along to Sarah?".
See what they say.
If you phrase it right, they may see some of their traits in these visitors of Sarah's and may cop on not to do it again. If they are oblivious to the comparison, then when they do it again in your house, use their own advice back at them.

Yeah i'm suspicious. I reckon they moved cushions, not dismantled the sofa.

Why did your ds cry? Was the whole situation confrontational from the start? To them dirt may be a bigger deal as they wouldn't have young kids around and would have forgotten what mess is like so maybe they were actually trying to help. If we left dm or dmil here they'd most likely Tidy, clean, and get carried away too. It sounds like all of you (including them) could be a bit irritable astound each other so idmake sure to limit you all being in each other's pockets, them being in your house, but seeing they live far away I'd suck it up a little for your child's sake

You have my sympathy, I really get this and while my own parents stop short of actually cleaning, they have a similar attitude that my housekeeping isn't anywhere near what it should be (it wouldn't be, even if the place was sterile. They'd find something) and they have on occasion gone through my belongings 'for my own good' so I totally understand.

I think PP saying that this shouldn't happen because you tell them they can't do that and that's it, problem solved must not have come across parents or in-laws who do this. Zaphod is spot on with the child and biscuit analogy. And while some people say they would be 'grateful', this isn't from a place of help, it's insulting and violating and that's why OP has used the emotive language she has. I can imagine your DS has a reading nook like mine has, OP, with blankets and cushions and a lamp (it's under his bed) and I know he'd be furious and really upset if a relative took it apart and tidied it all away while he was out. That's doing two things - spoiling a space that belongs to a child, and saying "that was messy and needed to be put away". That's so not their place and I'd feel just like OP does. It's doubly awful because they've upset your child.

I would tell them today that they have overstepped for the last time, and they are no longer welcome in your home for that reason. Tell them they've shown they can't be trusted with your home, and they can't be trusted with the feelings of your young family. If they push back, keep being strong. I completely sympathise with you DH too, I've been there. You can't just switch off years of conditioning and suddenly throw them out.

Good luck seeing them, OP.

A totally toxic and worthless relationship. Just flatly refuse to allow them back into the house . My DH takes our DS to a hotel for a couple of hours to meet MY parents who are forbidden from our home. I refuse any contact with them and my life is so much better without it....

Did they pay for any of your house? Just trying to work out why they might feel they are entitled to do what they like in it. Regardless it is ridiculous behaviour. Is there a cultural difference that could help explain their behaviour? I would just avoid them coming to the house until they go and then send them a letter saying that you do not wish to see them again until you have received an apology. Then ignore anything that is not an apology

YANBU They sound very rude, presumptuous, entitled, toxic and batshit crazy. I would make sure they know they are never to come to your house ever again. Right now. No more chances. Not even one more. And if they are upsetting your DS, then it's probably best they are not in your DS life, for his sake. They seem to cause him harm each time they see him. I would go NC - forget about LC. And ban them from the house and seeing DC again. Or at least until DS is like 12 or in his teen years.

Send them round to mine op!! 😂😂

That'd not be coming back into my house.

I would actually be grateful they had done all this cleaning

Was waiting for the obligatory daft comments like this, about being pleased someone else is cleaning for you and posters saying they’d love it and what are you complaining for.

Guests should not take it upon themselves to go through all your personal stuff without asking first or discussing it. It really isn’t hard to grasp this.

Go LC and ban them from the house. My mother is like this and will never change. It 's pointless even trying to get them to see their behaviour from anyone else's point of view. People like this just don't generally consider other people's feelings or accept they can be wrong about anything.

My mother has not been to my house or seen DD for months and we are all better for it.

I wouldn’t let them back in, and I wouldn’t be meeting them today

Sorry but I think it's as simple as you make it.

You're an adult and it's your home and your kids. Why anyone thinks that by virtue of them being relations, you're somehow powerless in the face of in-laws or parents is beyond me?

They don't behave in your house - they don't come to your house. It is that simple.

By “sofa dismantled“ I would take it to mean that the seat and back cushions were taken off, and the reading nook beanbag or chair taken away and book box/case moved.

It sounds like they moved everything to get in to clean behind etc. So rude in someone else’s home, especially along with the comments.

Don’t let them in your space OP. They cannot be trusted.

Why did your ds cry?

Really? A three year old arrives home to find the house in disarray, his special spot disassembled and people he doesn’t see very often shouting at his parents and you can't see why he would cry?

I'm child free and quite understand his upset!

It doesn't matter what the details are, they clearly have zero respect for the OP.

Meet them today to tell them you won't be inviting them into the house again. I'd go completely NC but maybe you can get your H to go LC instead? Not sure why you'd need to ask here though OP what they did was a dealbreaker. End of.

**I would actually be grateful they had done all this cleaning

Was waiting for the obligatory daft comments like this, about being pleased someone else is cleaning for you and posters saying they’d love it and what are you complaining for.hmmgrin

Guests should not take it upon themselves to go through all your personal stuff without asking first or discussing it. It really isn’t hard to grasp this.**

I didn’t think it was a daft comment. I thought the same, but then I don’t have a toxic relationship with my PIL unlike 99.9% of Mumsnet.
I’d have just let them crack on myself. If they’d have tried to “tell me off” I’d have told them if they are that concerned about the cleanliness then they can come round to clean my house more often.

Maybe your house just isn't very clean, OP.

And they thought they were doing you a favour.