To not let PILs in the house ever again

[IsThisYourSanderling]

PILs live abroad and occasionally come to visit for 5 ish days. Ostensibly it’s to see the grandchildren (DS nearly 3, DD 9 months). Really it’s to ransack our house and rant at us.

Yesterday, we went out in the morning - we invited them, but they chose to stay at the house. When we returned at lunchtime, they were busy destroying the living room, rugs up, sofa dismantled, all our stuff piled up on surfaces, washing machine going, hoover out. DS starts crying, MIL starts ranting about the mess (it’s a normal family home with a normal amount of low level mess and a bit of dirt where the hoover can’t reach, because we have two young children and no support or childcare, but she talks about it as if it’s a doss house - it’s emphatically not). We asked her not to go into the bedrooms but she had, taking laundry out and moving things about. They rearranged our furniture. They dismantled DS’s reading nook.

They have always behaved like this, ever since I’ve known them. DH is a quivering wreck around MIL, do I don’t mind doing most of the arguing, as he goes into shutdown (childhood habit). I understand, as I’m NC with my own mother and he steps up to deal with her when necessary.

Anyway, they’re staying in a village Airbnb. I don’t want them to come back to the house again. MIL was insulting me in front of DS as he cried. I was asking them to stop, telling them that guests don’t behave like this and that their priority should be connecting with their grandchildren. Each time he sees them they only succeed in alienating him more with this behaviour - how can he warm to them while they rampage over his house and insult his parents?

We’re meeting up today and I’m not sure what to say/ how to play it. They go home on Sunday. I don’t want them back in the house, as they can’t control themselves there. They can never just sit and chat with the children.

Also they never praise anything we do, or any effort we make. MIL can be nice at times. DH won a big award recently and she didn’t even congratulate him. Our HV told me how lucky our children are to be growing up in such a lovely home with such caring parents - all I get from PILs is constant low level criticism.

How to proceed while they’re here? WIBU to say they can’t come to the house anymore?

It sounds like you and your DH at least understand and support each other in dealing with your crazy parents. I would keep contact to a minimum in future and try to keep it on neutral ground to avoid giving them ammunition to criticise you. I'm sure you are wonderful parents, not least because you have obviously tried really hard to give the GPs a chance to be part of your children's lives despite their problems. But if they can't be a positive part of their lives, then you can cut them loose as far as your kids are concerned and your husband can see them separately if it suits him to do so. He, too, though, is under no obligation to endure emotional abuse from anyone, even if they produced him.

I don’t understand what happens after this kind of incident for you to be still meeting up. You got home and they were in full deep clean, you had a row, mil ranted at you, your son was crying, then what? You all said right then see you tomorrow for a nice day out? I don’t get how these things end well enough for you to still be on speaking terms, let alone them wanting to come over for tea etc.

@Figamol so, basically, OP should be a doormat and like it?

@LovePoppy Oh no not at all. Im speaking as someone who has had a hideous journey with my own controlling parents and had to go NC to get them to understand the damage they do to my self esteem. They still don't really get it.

But by reframing my thinking (trust me that was a lot of work with. a therapist) Ive found a way of still having them in my life but with boundaries. Criticism is no longer allowed but I find by meeting them half way on their sometimes unique behaviours, I found this calmed down on its own.

I wouldn't bother being polite. The fact that DH is an absolute wreck suggests that PiLs have bullied him throughout his life, and this is what they are continuing to do. Tell them to FUCK RIGHT OFF. This is your home, your life, and they do not have ANY right to terrorise, bully and harass you either in OR out of your house. They are manipulative, horrible people.

@Figamol I’m glad I misunderstood

Sorry but just tell them to FO seriously x

Firstly, change the locks - I'm assuming they have access to a key. There's helping and there's taking over, with an arrogant disregard for your feelings, property and privacy. I certainly would never let them in again unsupervised. If you go out, usher them out the door first, no need to be polite "After the last time you visited, we won't allow you to do it again - we'll catch up later - off you go if you don't want to come with us". I feel so sorry for your DH. It's not his fault and he's obviously been so bullied into submission he doesn't fight back. At least he's fine with you making a stand. Please update us on events. This is one set of circumstances I've never come across before. Good Luck!