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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
museumsandgalleries666 · 29/08/2019 01:40

Why hasn't your brother arranged for your family and his girlfriend's family to meet after all this time? That's weird.

And there's no reason why you should ask someone you barely know to be any more involved in your wedding than any other guest. Brides usually have their girlfriends and sisters as bridesmaids.

1forAll74 · 29/08/2019 01:46

The SIL sounds snow flakey and silly, so would not get upset with this sort of attitude of hers.. Don't let anyone cause you upset on your wedding day.

AngelsOnHigh · 29/08/2019 03:29

No reason to invite SIL's family to wedding but I guess you have included her in some way.

When my nephew was married I received an invitation but it didn't include my DH. I immediately sent back an inability.

To this day I don't know why DH wasn't invited. He had always been close to nephew.

MangosteenSoda · 29/08/2019 04:58

I don’t get why so many people think it’s a snub to not ask sil3 to be a bridesmaid. Sounds like the other sils are bridesmaids because they have close friendships with the op, not because they are sils. Her bms are friends, two of whom happen to be sils.

Meeting someone 12 times in, presumably, a group setting is entirely different from having an actual friendship with them, no matter how nice they are. I cannot fathom why she would even want to be a bm.

Only thing I think should definitely be ensured is that she sits with her dp and your family group during the service and reception. It would be insensitive to effectively make her spend most of the day alone if your db is busy with wedding related jobs.

I’m shocked at how many people appear to spend their time at weddings trying to figure out who’s in the bridal party, who’s not and making judgments on that!

And as for the extended family invite, that’s even more batshit. Expecting 11 extra invites to a wedding of 50! I wondered if you were Irish OP (from your username), as Irish weddings do seem to be more extended family affairs, so that might make it less of a totally weird expectation. But your wedding is a small one, so it’s still wrong to expect that.

ReasonedCamper · 29/08/2019 05:33

OP, I understand why you are upset about your brother. It’s all very well talking a ‘her loss!’ attitude to her refusal of the invitation, but it means that your brother is attending without his partner, which will be upsetting for him,

I think I would point out that the other SILs are not bridesmaids because they are your brothers wives, but because they are your old mates.

Ditto their families: they are people you know, who also happen to be related.

Sp3849 · 29/08/2019 05:37

I agree that asking you too invite All those people is rediculous. However, she is your sister in law has been a part of your family for four years. Has made the effort too travel down and see you 12 times and I personally would have given her a role in the wedding. Too not give her a role the same as the others. Is making a statement that you don't feel the same towards her. Honestly ask yourself, how would you feel if she asked your sister in laws too be involved in something so special. But not you? I suspect her issue is more too do with that. It is done now and I wouldn't worry over it. Your brother is still coming and that is the most important thing really. If it is bothering you maybe contact her and try too extend an olive branch. Good luck

BarbariansMum · 29/08/2019 06:03

I think it would have been better to find some sort of role for her then to make it so clear that she's the lesser sil. But it's done now, and ant be undone.

YobaOljazUwaque · 29/08/2019 06:19

Of course you were reasonable not to invite 11 strangers who you have never met.

She is totally within her rights to decline the invite.

She won't be missed.

There is nothing to stress about here.

PurBal · 29/08/2019 06:38

I'd cry too.

Maybe she just needs to be somewhere else. A work trip or something.

Doesn't matter though, you'll probably have a better time without her there.

ExpletiveDelighted · 29/08/2019 07:11

I also think that expecting you to invite her relatives is unreasonable but I can see why she feels hurt about not having a role when the other SILs do, it would have been a nice way to make her feel more part of the family.

aweedropofsancerre · 29/08/2019 07:21

She isn’t your SIL , she is your brothers girlfriend of 4 yrs. Your brother is an ass for expecting 11 members of her family to come along to your wedding. She doesn’t require a ‘role’ she is not your friend and you don’t have a relationship with her. So move on, enjoy your wedding and have a stern conversation with your DB about his expectations.

Bourbonbiccy · 29/08/2019 07:26

I don't think you are being unreasonable by not inviting her family.

But you are being unreasonable by excluding her from the wedding party, thus treating her completely differently from your other SIL (despite the difference in relationship) and then crying because she declined. You are the one highlighting the difference in her to the others (which is bound to upset your brother) and I'm really not surprised she declined.

This would have been the opportunity to include her in your family more and make her feel more comfortable, sadly I fear you have done the complete opposite 😢😢

rosedream · 29/08/2019 07:26

I think you should have given her a role to show she was as important as your other SIL.
However I don't think you should invite her family.

I know you are not close to her but this was a way as saying that she is just as important and a very welcoming into the family gesture.
Yes it's your wedding to do as you please.
However I can see how this would make her feel desperate to the rest of the family.

rosedream · 29/08/2019 07:27

Separate not desperate

Didiusfalco · 29/08/2019 07:33

I’m looking at this from the sil point of view and I think the problem is she is being treated so differently from the other sils. She probably feels excluded and like you don’t like her.

Ponoka7 · 29/08/2019 07:45

"You see I have essentially treated her differently to two women who are of the same relation to me"

Yes you have and that's very hurtful.

In this type of situation, you don't cut one person out, you find something for them to do.

Your Brother will be hurt, you've said because they live further away, you don't regard them in the same way. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up not coming.

If someone isn't included in something, don't discuss it in front of them.

I'm unsure about not inviting her Parents. Unless four more people would have broken the bank.

That would have been the norm in your Mother's time (I'm possibly from that time as well). So I'm surprised that your Mother didn't mention it.

This is the problem about getting opinions from other people. They won't take into consideration how this makes your Brother feel and how this will impact on all your relationships going forward.

Teateaandmoretea · 29/08/2019 07:45

It's just occurred to me that my SIL's other SIL was bridesmaid at her wedding 17 years ago. I might get offended and start a retrospective family feud over it. Surely this has happened to loads of Mumsnetters?

Unless there is a massive back story she is being ridiculous. And tbh is showing her true colours.

I don't have an issue with crying, some people on here must be robots we all cry. But you need to accept that you aren't going to be close to this woman. Your brother is coming anyway though.

Ponoka7 · 29/08/2019 07:48

@aweedropofsancerre
"She isn’t your SIL , she is your brothers girlfriend of 4 yrs."

She's his Partner, not just GF. It's quite valid to call someone your SIL, even if they are not married.

BanjoStarz · 29/08/2019 07:56

@ponoka7

She’s still not a sister in law - the in law definition is “related by marriage”, if they’re not married then she’s not an in law.

OP, I think you should have maybe offered her a position in the wedding, something small like a reading? Mainly to show that you value that she is important to your brother.

LolaSmiles · 29/08/2019 08:00

I’m looking at this from the sil point of view and I think the problem is she is being treated so differently from the other sils. She probably feels excluded and like you don’t like her.
Except it isn't a case of "giving roles to sisters in law... Oh but not you". It's a case of "allocating roles to people I am close to and some of them happen to be in laws".

It's not selecting one sister in law to single out from a typical sister in law role. It's selecting the people she is closest to for roles where the holder is close to the bride.

Any adult (such as the SIL) who chooses to find drama where there isn't any needs to get a grip.

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/08/2019 08:06

It’s entirely your choice but I would probably have given her a role in the wedding given that the other two have a role, I wouldn’t have wanted her to felt left out. Inviting her family would be ridiculous though.

Swellerellamoo · 29/08/2019 08:07

Poor woman!
She's been sidelined and left out. She will feel humiliated.
I can see why she declined.

biggles50 · 29/08/2019 08:10

Send her a really nice message saying you're saddened to learn that she's declined your wedding invite. You hope she'll change her mind as it'd be so nice for your family to get to know her better. Finish with you hope she understands that you couldn't invite her family members as you've never met them but hope over time you will. Then leave it, it's a peace offering. Be glad you get along with your other sisters in law. I've lost my relationship with one of my brothers because of his wife, it's very sad. Good luck

GreenTulips · 29/08/2019 08:12

I've lost my relationship with one of my brothers because of his wife

Why is it her fault and not his?

ExpletiveDelighted · 29/08/2019 08:15

It's not selecting one sister in law to single out from a typical sister in law role. It's selecting the people she is closest to for roles where the holder is close to the bride.

Thus ensuring that one SIL, who is already less close to your family by virtue of living further away, not her fault, stays firmly outside the close family circle. Which is probably pretty upsetting. By asking her to be a BM or whatever she would have felt welcomed and you'd all have got to know one another better.