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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 29/08/2019 08:21

On one hand you say you don't know her but on the other you are crying because she has decided not to come? I agree that its silly to invite her family, but if it was me I would have given her a small part in the wedding - even announcing that its cake cutting time or something would do. Weddings tend to either draw families together or blow them apart I find. To be honest, I think its great for you that your brother (her husband) has agreed to come without her so I think I would be pleased with this and move on. Rightly or wrongly he could have dug his heels in and boycotted your wedding.

sandyfoot · 29/08/2019 08:34

YANBU not asking her family. You don't know them.

It was a bit unkind to not include your SIL a bit so she doesn't feel left out. I think you should contact her directly and hold your hands up, tell her that you value her and your DB and try and sort it out.

Good luck

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/08/2019 09:21

I agree with ExpletiveDelighted.

It’s not her fault that she lives further away and this would have been a nice opportunity to welcome her into the family that she probably feels a little bit out of the loop with.

Topsecretidentity · 29/08/2019 09:38

If your SIL has children then you should have invited her children, OP. May be worth clarifying whether you meant to say she has 3 children (which would make your brother their stepfather). If it's the case that you haven't invited her children then I'm surprised your brother is coming at all.

Toastedstrudel · 29/08/2019 10:04

Mumsnet will say you can do what you want, it’s your day. But it’s not an excuse for shitty behaviour. Don’t invite her family but YABU to not have her involved in the wedding when your other sister in laws are.

That is rude and hurtful and it doesn’t matter that you feel you aren’t as close to her. Make an effort. It comes across as you don’t like her very much and she can most definitely pick up on that.

She didn’t decline because you didn’t invite her family, she likely declined because your feelings about her are clear and so she has decided not to subject herself to that. Hope she spends the day with people who care for her instead.

SaraNade · 29/08/2019 11:26

I wouldn't text her, that would seem to over the top and forced. You have extended an invitation, she, despite not even knowing you, expected to be in the wedding party AND her entire family invited. That is just not normal thinking, and I think you'd be a mug to go chasing after her like that. Just let it be. Obvious your brother is happy, he's coming, you are not risking losing your brother. Everything's ok. Don't worry about her.

SaraNade · 29/08/2019 11:29

@Toastedstrudel her SIL aren't in the wedding purely because they are here SIL, but because she has known them far longer, and is close to them. She doesn't even know her brother's current partner. I think you are wrong expecting the OP to have her brother's current girlfriend in the wedding for no other reason especially when they don't even know each other and aren't even close. I mean, who does that?
Would you have a brother's current girlfriend who you don't know, in your wedding party? Or would you have people who you are close to and have known for years?

SaraNade · 29/08/2019 11:32

And her brother's girlfriend is simply his girlfriend! They are not even married!!! So how can his current girlfriend, have the same status as her ILs who are married and she has known longer?

People on here seem to think a girlfriend is a SIL now.

Thesearmsofmine · 29/08/2019 11:47

I think it was unkind not to give her a role in the wedding when the their two sil are involved. If you get on with her it wouldn’t have hurt to involve her.
I don’t get on with my sil and have seen her less than 12 times in 4 years and we live pretty close to each other but I still gave her a small role in our wedding, the same role as I gave my sister and she was really pleased to be included(also pleased MIL!)

OptimusRhyme · 29/08/2019 12:04

I'm guessing she thought of herself and her children as part of your family. You have made it very clear she is not. I imagine she did expect her children to be invited if your brother has been a 'stepfather' to them for 4 years. How on Earth could she not insulted? This will make Christmas bags of fun.

GreenTulips · 29/08/2019 12:07

She doesn’t have children

Lweji · 29/08/2019 12:10

She doesn't even know her brother's current partner.

The OP knows her brother's partner. They have met a few times.

In any case, OP, you could make the case to your brother that he should foster a closer relationship between his family and his partner. Maybe visit for longer, get together in smaller groups, or invite you guys over to his town.

LolaSmiles · 29/08/2019 12:12

ExpletiveDelighted
But it isn't about a close family circle. If I remember correctly the OP said independent relationships have formed due to people being in the same sports club or something like that. The overlap between the families is not because they are related by marriage.

It would be a bit like me and SIL both going to a choir and having a friendship through shared interests or shared friendship overlaps and my SIL happens to be my husband's sister, Vs getting on well with someone because they're my husband's sister and we do some family things.

If a close friendship between OP and her brothers girlfriend was going to form then it could have. It's harder not seeing people regularly but not impossible. They've only met 12 times. It's nothing terrible, they just don't happen to have a friendship beyond getting on with brother's girlfriend.

Some people are friends with their in laws separate to their marriages. Some people get on with their in laws but it's really a distant family relationship. Neither are wrong, but people expecting them to be handled the same are being really oversensitive in my opinion.

Teateaandmoretea · 29/08/2019 12:37

I'm guessing she thought of herself and her children as part of your family. You have made it very clear she is not. I imagine she did expect her children to be invited if your brother has been a 'stepfather' to them for 4 years. How on Earth could she not insulted? This will make Christmas bags of fun.

She's her brothers girlfriend and has no children Confused. You only join families when you actually marry surely?

The thing that strikes me is we aren't 100% sure it's even why she's declined. Maybe they are splitting up and DB hasn't announced it yet. Especially as he has accepted.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 29/08/2019 12:51

She's her brothers girlfriend and has no children confused. You only join families when you actually marry surely?

There is no logic to this whatsoever. Come onnnnnnnnn.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2019 13:04

I can see both sides of this, you've got your other two sister in laws as bridesmaids and their families coming and she is rhe one basically excluded.

I can see why you didn't invite her family, but I personlly would have had all three as bridesmaids.

Bottom line is you treated her differently, irrelevant of reasons, and she's hurt and doesn't wish to come. You just need to accept it and let it go and not make this worse.

LatteLove · 29/08/2019 13:57

I don’t get why so many people think it’s a snub to not ask sil3 to be a bridesmaid. *Sounds like the other sils are bridesmaids because they have close friendships with the op, not because they are sils. Her bms are friends, two of whom happen to be sils.

Meeting someone 12 times in, presumably, a group setting is entirely different from having an actual friendship with them, no matter how nice they are. I cannot fathom why she would even want to be a

Totally agree

Ponoka7 · 29/08/2019 14:04

@Teateaandmoretea, you join a family when you show you are a Partnership.

Nothing to do with being married.

WorriedSENMum · 29/08/2019 14:19

OP please clarify if the brothers partner has 3 DC that were excluded or not, because this makes a massive difference to what would be the right thing to do! If they are her DC then 100% they should have been invited, but not other family members you have not met. I can see why she declined & your DB is not happy if her DC were excluded.

MulticolourMophead · 29/08/2019 15:08

My understanding is that there a 3 children of the SIL's siblings included in the 11 she wanted inviting. Not that the SIL has DC herself.

justmyview · 29/08/2019 15:27

I'm guessing she thought of herself and her children as part of your family. You have made it very clear she is not. I imagine she did expect her children to be invited if your brother has been a 'stepfather' to them for 4 years. How on Earth could she not insulted?

This

Original poster
ErskineChilders · 29/08/2019 15:31

Thank you all for your responses. When I originally posted the consensus coincided with my real life friends but now that my SiL has declined people on this thread feel that I have screwed up and I have to agree. It was done without thinking and absolutely no malice was involved.

My brother and sister-in-law do not have children; her siblings do. If we were to invite the equivalent family members of Sisters-in-laws 1 and 2 for SiL 3 it would come to 11 people…11 people we have never met. My mother has met her mother in passing.

I always liked Sister-in-Law and that is what she is…I am in my thirties with three children only now getting married, so I am not one to suggest that marriage informs relationships and it is reductive to think it does, time does and she has been on the scene long enough to be classed as such however, I do not have her phone number and when we sat down last night I realised I have met her just nine times and think that I have been on my own with her just once, in a pub for about 40 minutes before others joined us.

Well my mother did ring my brother as I always knew she would; he confirmed that it is because the other two are being treated more favourably that she does not wish to come. They were actually thinking of getting married themselves next year! My brother did admit to my mother that he was gutted that she had taken that stance and would have preferred it if she had agreed to come but totally gets her position. They have agreed now that they won’t speak further about it in their house. He is most definitely coming to my wedding and there has never been any suggestion that he wouldn’t from either of them. He believes that all brothers should have been treated the same but totally acknowledges that no malice was intended and they both accept that geography and circumstances mean that I am naturally closer to the others. The latter points were confirmed when my brother whatsapped me later. I felt very emotional and rang him and reiterated that no hurt was intended and I wished I could turn the clock back. The conversation ended well and we were friendly.

My crew are reassuring me that it’s not my fault. Anyway I accept that I am culpable and it’s cast a massive shadow over the day and the future relationship worries me.

OP posts:
pumkinspicetime · 29/08/2019 16:02

Why don't you try offering her a role? You know you accidentally messed up. You all seem capable of behaving like adults. Why not contact them and explain that you don't want the issue hanging over your wedding and the future relationships so you would like to try and make amends by offering her a role in the bridal party. She may not accept but you will have done your adult part to sort the situation out.

PianoTuner567 · 29/08/2019 16:19

What a load of crap. You’re not even close enough to her to have her phone number! Why should she get a role in your wedding? You’ve done nothing wrong OP, she’s ridiculous.

Teateaandmoretea · 29/08/2019 16:21

Hmmmm not sure I agree re you join a family just because you are someone's partner. Marriage aside the onus seems to entirely be on the OP which is totally one-sided to me. I'm with the OP's real life friends and think that MN is a strange place in lots of ways. For me her actions of throwing her toys out of her pram are immature and speak volumes. Unless there is a massive backstory if she had posted the reverse her arse would have been handed to her on a plate.