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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/08/2019 19:59

I think @CharityConundrum it would be quite hurtful to be the only sil left out of being a bridesmaid. Especially when really the only reason seems to be one of distance rather than not getting along. The inviting all the family members is ridiculous and she should get over that but I think it would be very difficult to be sat as a guest wondering if all the other guests have realised you are the only sil not a bridesmaid. And it is natural to feel that the other guests have noticed it even if in reality they haven't. It can make people very self conscious.

MindatWork · 28/08/2019 21:00

Based on your updates I think you’ve been a bit disingenuous here OP - you’re presenting it as ‘AIBU not to invite 11 members if SIL’s family’ like she’s made all these outrageous demands when actually you don’t even know for certain why she’s declined, and you haven’t spoken to her (or your brother) about it directly.

There seems to be a lot of assumptions going on about her being a stroppy/spoilt/childish brat etc, but I’d just call your brother and speak to him like an adult.

Underworld345 · 28/08/2019 21:19

It is probably the part of not being included in the wedding that has bothered her, not the family thing. Surely no one in their right mind can be annoyed at you for that.

I probably would feel left out if I was in her position about not being bridesmaid. But I would probably suck it up and go to the wedding. Are you even good friends to the other sister in laws?

MamaOomMowWow · 28/08/2019 21:39

So the "SIL" is actually your DB's girlfriend rather than wife? I don't think it's old-fashioned to think that the fact they are not married is significant. They haven't made that formal pledge to be together forever. She's someone your brother has been dating for a few years.

To me, this makes it even stranger (and it was already quite strange) that she would expect to have her family come to your wedding and be a bridesmaid.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 28/08/2019 22:02

I can understand her feeling left out if your other sold have roles and she doesn't. I personally would have found her some sort of role. I would be tempted to call her up for a chat as she's clearly upset too (however unreasonably she is acting).

Ohyesiam · 28/08/2019 22:10

She and her family have a different/no relationship to you though, so why does she have these expectations?

asprinklingofsugar · 28/08/2019 22:16

This is what OP said in her other post about the issue before invites went out:

I am a long-time lurker and need some impartial advice. I went out with three friends last night and they all agreed with me but I want a second opinion.

I have three brothers. One brother has been married since I was a child so I have known my sister-in-law’s parents and siblings for over a decade and a half. Her younger sister was a year above me at school.

Second brother met my other sister-in-law through a family member and my DP by sheer coincidence is in the same sport team as my sister-in-law’s brother. We live in a city but it’s small.

Third brother stayed in the town where he went to university and lives with his partner of four years, a really nice woman. I do not know her very well, I see her maybe two or three times a year.

I am getting married in a few months. My parents are helping out as are my in-laws but we are marrying on a shoestring. Numbers are tight and it is not an extravagant wedding.

Sisters-in-Law 1 and 2 both have roles in the wedding and their families are all invited.

Well Future sister-in-law 3 happened to be around last weekend; I had not seen her for 7 months and Sister-in-Law 2 came in with her children and had ‘a message’ from her mother about my wedding....future sister-in-law 3 then realises that we are inviting the other sisters-in-laws’ families and that the other two have a role. She then assumes her family are invited. I have never met them. My own mother very briefly has met her mother once when she was staying with my brother and she popped in.

I do not want people that I do not know at my wedding and money is tight. I just changed the subject and said nothing directly but clearly she has said something to Brother 3 and he has now kicked off about his partner not having a role and how his in-laws are not invited. I have met brother’s partner a handful of times and have never met her family which consists of parents, step-parents, two siblings, two siblings-in-law and three nieces and nephew- 11 people.

Raynedance · 28/08/2019 22:19

I've just seen very compelling speech by Roberts lawyer. How comfortable he felt in the house, girls coming and going as he stands there.
Andy really isn't going to get out of this.

elvis86 · 28/08/2019 22:24

Totally agree with CharityConundrum. Who are these weirdos attending weddings and comparing who they think should have been in the bridal party Vs who actually was?

And who are these desperate people who want to be offered roles as bridesmaids for people they barely know as some kind of tokenism?

I'd be so embarrassed if someone I barely knew asked me to play a role in their wedding, and it was obvious I was only being asked because they felt they should.

I genuinely think that would get more people at the wedding talking!

Grainedmonkey · 28/08/2019 22:31

Raynedance what are you on about?

Dippypippy1980 · 28/08/2019 23:07

Your brother and his partner are really odd. Expecting 11 people you have never met to be invited to your wedding??? They should be embarrassed. If family unity meant so much to them surely they would have arranged a meet up of he families by now? A birthday party, housewarming part or bbq hen they first moved in together. But to expect he introductions to be made at your wedding is strange.

I do understand why she might feel a little put out that he other ladies are in the wedding and not her, but most of us would suck it up and make an effort.

She is going to be hard work.

WinterHare · 28/08/2019 23:08

t. They haven't made that formal pledge to be together forever.

This is ridiculous! Just because they're not married means jackshit. Formal pledge my arse. No-one needs to be married to have a truly committed pledge to be together forever. Can't believe people still think like this Confused.

OP I think by leaving one SIL out of a role st the wedding whilst including the other two looks like a snub. Even if not intended. It kind of makes her look like she's not as important to you as the others are. You're quite right not to invite her family members you've never met though.

GreenTulips · 28/08/2019 23:59

Just because they're not married means jackshit

Actually it may well do!! It will be interesting who she picks as guests and bridesmaids. I doubt OP and her extended family will be welcome.

MamaOomMowWow · 29/08/2019 00:09

No-one needs to be married to have a truly committed pledge to be together forever.

Maybe not, but the point is marriage is a very public and formal commitment. My DB has had several relationships which each lasted a few years. It was always impossible for me to tell whether each partner would be the one he would ultimately commit to or whether it was just another medium-term relationship that had nearly run its course.

I didn't invite DB's partner to be my bridesmaid (although she did come to the wedding) as even though they had been going out for about 3 years at the time, they weren't married and I'm glad I didn't because they broke up shortly afterwards anyway.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/08/2019 00:24

Well the link from the other thread reads very differently to the OP thread here. Totally understand the family. Nobody would have someone they have never met at their wedding but I do still feel sorry foŕ the SIL being the one left out especially as one of the SIL is obviously much older than the OP.

InvernessAdventure · 29/08/2019 00:35

OP has specifically said that the fact DB and SIL aren't married isn't an issue for her.

OptimusRhyme · 29/08/2019 00:39

Well you've made it very clear to her that you don't value her the same as the other two SILs. Personally I would have found her a role and spoken to her myself about not inviting her family. I think you have really sunk this relationship and if your brother stays with her it's going to be a very long road back. Could the poor woman have not done a reading?

BackforGood · 29/08/2019 00:40

I don't think the copied piece from the other thread tells it differently at all.

OP you have done nothing wrong here and no right minded person would expect you to ask her to be bridesmaid or to invite her extended family.

It is possible she genuinely can't come for an actual good reason, but, even if (as we suspect) it is some kind of weird strop, well, that says a lot more about her than about you.

There really is nothing to be crying over.

I quite like @MRex's suggested conversation, but whether you go with that or not, just be the bigger person - say to either her or BiL (whoever you would be likely to speak to in the normal course of events). "Oh, it is a real shame you/ partner can't make the wedding. In case anything changes, I can add numbers up until X date - we'd really love to have you there if you do find you can make it" and leave it at that.
Don't engage in any drama or let them manipulate you.

LellyMcKelly · 29/08/2019 00:46

This is insane. You’ve met this woman maybe a dozen times in 4 years and from what other posters have said she should be entitled to a feature spot at your wedding and 11 members of her family that you have never met to receive invitations? NO NO NO. Keep this in proportion. I went to all three of my ex DH’s sisters’ weddings and thoroughly enjoyed them.

My kids were bridesmaids/pageboys at one of them and that was lovely though certainly not a condition of us attending. At another my ex DH did a reading, but at no point did it even cross my mind that I should be part of the wedding party other than as spouse of a family member. At another we had absolutely no formal role and that was probably the most fun one! If my mum had received an invitation to any of them they have thought they were bonkers!

She has received an invitation, not a summons, to attend your wedding. If she doesn’t want to go that’s her choice. This is her issue, not yours. Let it go - there’s probably a lot more going on in her and your brothers relationship than you want to know for her to behave this way. Enjoy your brother and be glad he’s there with you to enjoy your day.

LellyMcKelly · 29/08/2019 00:48

Either that, or she’s looking for excuses to not go.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/08/2019 00:54

I dont think anybody has said the family should be invited.

But the bridesmaid is trickier especially as OP said the only reason she has seen her 12 times in 4 years is geographic. So presumably if they lived in the same town and could see more of each other she would have been givem bridesmaid duties like the other SILs?

LatteLove · 29/08/2019 00:58

Does it actually matter why she isn’t coming? Why do you actually care that she’s declined?

This. I know weddings can be emotional but I don’t get the tears because someone you barely know isn’t coming to your wedding.

Chocmallows · 29/08/2019 01:04

Your brother said yes, I'd accept this and move on.

wombat1a · 29/08/2019 01:08

Leave it, you don't know why she declined, for all you know she might have another wedding on that day from her circle of friends/family and her and your DB have decided to divide and conquer to put an appearance in at both events.

LatteLove · 29/08/2019 01:15

As for her being upset at not having a role, give over, she needs to grow up. She must know she’s not as close to you as the other SILs. It’s not like she’s a wee girl who would be upset at not being a flower girl.

My H is of a big family and there have been lots of “occasions” and I have never, ever had a “role” even although all of the other siblings and spouses have. I am not bothered in the slightest because I know there’s a reason why.

I would leave it OP. She’s not tried to prevent your brother from coming, and it sounds like she’s simply declined without making a drama over it. She’s been dignified enough, you can respond in kind.