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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
MsJRMEsq · 28/08/2019 16:19

Why would you cry about that? It's your SIL's family who you don't know and if they don't come then who cares? As long as your brother is there then that's all that matters.

Lweji · 28/08/2019 16:23

This sister-in-law, has (we have not met any of them) two parents, two step-parents, two siblings-in-law and three children.

How does she have two siblings in law but not siblings? Are the children hers, not your brothers? Her siblings (in law?)?

Jux · 28/08/2019 16:30

Is she 12? If not, she's ridiculous and unreasonable.

Not worth the trouble.

If your bro says anything about her family, the fact they're complete strangers is enough.

As your mum's upset, I'd let her do what she wants about it; she's a grown up too. If she can't point out to your brother - her son - that he's being a bit of an arse, then who can? (Yes, I know he's accepted, but not able to to tell his wife that expecting any of her family to be invited is ridiculous, makes him at least a little culpable.)

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/08/2019 16:32

Not inviting her family is perfectly normal and neither DSIL or DB should be expecting you to do so. However leaving her out if the wedding party when you have included your other SIL is a snub. You say you get on with her just dont see her as much. So ask your self if DB was actually a DS who you only saw 12 times in 4 years solely because of location would you have still asked them to be bridesmaid? I suspect the fact that you haven't included her in the wedding party is the main reason for the declined invitation

Lweji · 28/08/2019 16:33

Or the children, if they are hers.

31RueCambon75001 · 28/08/2019 16:35

Id say you are all so tightly knit she'd feel excluded. Also u dont know, your brother could be disinclined to get martied or vv

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/08/2019 16:36

Sorry, but I think crying about someone not coming to your wedding who you've only met about 12 times in four years is a bit of an over-reaction to say the least.

I am terrified of losing my brother

Why on earth would that happen? You do sound very dramatic.

You invited her; her choice not to attend.

Frankola · 28/08/2019 16:37

I'd leave it. Shes the one who looks like a plonked not you

Gillian1980 · 28/08/2019 16:39

I’d leave it.

you’re not obliged to invite her family, she’s not obliged to attend. Dragging it out will only increase the tension and drama.

Grainedmonkey · 28/08/2019 16:50

Yes what Gillian said. Your DB and SIl may well have been arguing about this, she has declined but he has accepted so I'd leave it be. If you push things he may back out in support of his partner.

Lweji · 28/08/2019 17:07

If you really want her to attend, I'd try to speak to her personally, not your brother.
I'd tell her that I like her very much, just don't happen to be as close to her as I'd like, and would love her to come to the wedding.

You need to fix this with her, not through your brother, if it's important for you.

Sarahandco · 28/08/2019 17:07

With hindsight, It probably would have been worth involving your sister in law to get to know her a bit better. I was also going to say, you could have invited her mum and dad to get to know them too. However, I can see there are step-parents ect so that pushes up the numbers and therefore you can be forgiven for not inviting that amount of people.

You could reply to her that you are sorry you were unable to invite her extended family due to number restrictions and that you would like to host a get together for your families later in the year so that you can spend some time together. Also, I would say that you are keeping the invitation open and if at the last minute she finds she is able to come then you would love to see her. - Something along those lines.

On the other hand, she could have just come with your brother, she has made a clear statement by declining.

Wexone · 28/08/2019 17:21

Hi I would agree with the majority here and accept it. But don't text your brother meet up with him and talk to him face to face. Be the bigger person and do not get petty or let it upset you. My brother got married last year and under no ciscumatsnces did i expect to have a part in the weeding (bridesmaid etc) or my boyfriends parents to be invited. However i was quit hurt when my future sister in law did not invite me or my sister to her hen party. This is the only part i would expect to have been part off. But sure it is what it is. I didn't let it get to me.

Notthetoothfairy · 28/08/2019 17:51

I don’t think YWBU but, if it were me, I would now say sorry to hear you can’t make it as I was hoping you would be a bridesmaid (she might then change her mind). If numbers are restricted, you should stay firm on the extended family.

charliedawg · 28/08/2019 17:56

You've invited - she declined. Next!

TidyDancer · 28/08/2019 18:05

I can see both sides of this tbh. I think SIL was probably unreasonable to expect her family to be invited although I can see why she initially may have thought they would be. As for her role in the wedding, I think you have unintentionally made it very difficult for her to come. It would've been uncomfortable for her to be there as the only partner not included in the wedding party. I get why you haven't included her but ultimately I think this is probably a poor decision on your part and in her shoes I likely would've declined as well.

ilikethisusernamethemost · 28/08/2019 18:16

Leave it. Don't say another word. She's done you a favour! YANBU to not have invited 11 strangers to you wedding and YANBU to not want her to be a bridesmaid. Leave her to her sulking. Stroppy child!
Don't let it upset you. You now have a space and you can invite someone else that actually means something to you and would want to see you get married. Congratulations and enjoy your big day.

GreenTulips · 28/08/2019 18:16

excluding her like this may mean you have cut off the chance to grow closer to them in future

It cuts both ways.

She declined to be at the wedding. Her choice.

AlwaysCheddar · 28/08/2019 18:43

She’s a cf!!!

Angelf1sh · 28/08/2019 18:50
  1. Yes you have to accept it, it’s her choice.
  2. Yes to are overreacting to her snub.
  3. Yes she’s only done it because you snubbed her.
  4. No YWNBU to have not invited 11 members of her family to your wedding if you don’t know them.
  5. No YWNBU to have not picked your SIL as a bridesmaid when you don’t know her, but YW absolutely BU to have expected her to be ok with that when the other two SILs are bridesmaids. She was obviously going to be upset by being left out like this and I’m not remotely surprised she’s not going, tbh I think you’re lucky your brother still is. You either ask her to be your bridesmaid or you accept she’s not coming and leave her to it.
Babysharkisanearworm · 28/08/2019 18:56

Leave it. The important one is your brother.

CharityConundrum · 28/08/2019 19:16

Who are these people who go to weddings and make judgements about the relationships between the bride and groom and the wedding party? All this talk of people asking why she's not a bridesmaid and thinking it's weird or talking behind her back about why she wasn't in the wedding party is really depressing - I assumed people would go along to be happy for the bride and groom, not to speculate about other guests!

MatildaTheCat · 28/08/2019 19:34

She’s being ridiculous BUT she likely to be a part of your family going forward so I would message her, email if possible, saying you are really sad she feels upset and unable to come. Say you were hoping to ask her to do a reading/ similar and that it would be so lovely to have the wedding as an opportunity for all of you to get to spend time together as a family. Explain that you understand she is hurt by the other in,was being invited but that you only have 50 guests and have known all of them as friends for many years and that you are really looking forward to getting to know her family, too in the future.

Say you value the relationship you have. You would be so pleased if she were to change her mind but respect her decision if she can’t.

If she still refuses to come then leave her to it.

MatildaTheCat · 28/08/2019 19:35

*other in laws.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 28/08/2019 19:39

@CharityConundrum I’m guessing you’re not familiar with the wedding boards or any wedding threads on here? Chocked full of people judging EVERYTHING, left, right and centre 😂