AIBU to ask MIL to look after DC at our house instead of hers?

[MeganTheVegan]

Good morning ladies, I am in a situation and am wondering if IABU here. Totally prepared to be told that I am. We have two DC, one teenager (with SEN) and one younger (NT), both at school. I was recently very ill and had to give up work for a few months. I had treatment and now I am fine. I need to get back to work ASAP as my time out of work has pushed us into an awful financial nightmare. The problem is that we lost our childcare as we couldn't afford to pay for it during the time that I wasn't working.

I am thinking of asking MIL to pick both DC up from school and look after them at ours until me or DH get home (about 2 hours). They live very close to us but I don't want her to look after them there for several reasons. She looked after them for a few weeks at their house before and it was fraught with problems.

1. The house is very cold. PIL do not feel the cold at all, unfortunately my DC are very sensitive to cold. It is quite miserable for them during the colder months. PIL refuse to put the heating on. Ever.

1. PIL largely ignore them and there is nothing to do at their house. No food or drinks offered, no children's TV, no interaction at all, just miserable really. At least at home they would have TV and their toys, it would be warm, there would be food and drinks.

1. FIL is a terrible racist. Blames one particular race for everything that's bad in the world. Literally half of what comes out of his mouth is racist. My DC are not like that, but I do worry how it affects them.

1. When they looked after them before, FIL kept going on about what a burden they were, even though they're not. He is quite begrudging about everything though. This made them feel bad and I don't want to subject them to that again.

MIL is OK, although I know she doesn't like me. It's not the best solution to our problem but we are in the depths of dispair financially and I don't know what else to do. I feel bad about asking her to schlep over to ours and sit here for 2 hours and I know FIL will hate it, but would IBU to ask?

Many thanks.

I suppose all you can do is ask, she can say no. Every day though is a lot to ask.

@1300cakes It is a lot to ask, you're right.

Could you sell it to her as more convenient for her because the dcs would be making a mess in your house not hers.
Also if FIL is tight-fisted, she may welcome the chance to be somewhere warm for a few hours. And where there are snacks & treats in the fridge.
Are they on a small pension? Have you offered to pay her?

Is there anyway you could make your house particularly welcoming for her? She might jump at the chance to get away from FIL and maybe be in a warmer house too.

@Mintjulia They are minted. In spite of that, I always offered to pay but she would not accept.

I think it you are asking someone for a favour it needs to be on their terms. While your house might be more comfortable for your children it is likely to be less so for your PIL, what are they meant to be doing in your house every evening while your kids amuse themselves.

Can you not arrange an alternative solution now you are back to health? From your post you barely seem to like each other that isn't a brilliant basis for leaving two children with them every day. I think your FIL is right about it being a burden. Whether the children are independent or not is irrelevant your PIL are not free to do as they please during those hours 5 days a week, that is a lot and even if they generally don't do anything they would still feel trapped I imagine.

In terms of the children having things to do, can your children not bring things to amuse themselves?

It doesnt sound like a solution at all to me I think you need to find an alternative solution.

How long do you need MIL to help. It help her feel more positive if it was for a set time and FIL may be happier if she looked after them at your house so it doesn’t disrupt him

It would be long term unfortunately. Although only in term time.

Every day? You could ask but don't be surprised if she says no. It's a big commitment and just as your DC are 'bored' at her house, what is there for her at your house? Will it disrupt her own routine?

They're minted you say... If you are desperate and need help could your DH ask for a loan so that you can pay for childcare until you get back into n your feet financially?

You must think about it from her point of view before asking.
Your OP suggests you've focused only on your own/ your DC's needs so far.

@Elodie2019 Thanks for the suggestion of a loan from FIL, but that’s a whole other thread 😂.

Anyway, it’s extremely difficult to find childcare for a 13 year old 😞.

I guess I’m just trying to protect my DC from FIL’s nastiness whilst also keeping a roof over our heads.

If you are going to be working & on low income do check if you are eligible for any benefits or help with childcare costs.

I think it's way way too much to ask for free after school care every single day, on s long term basis. It's hugely restrictive on your PILs lives and what about when they go away on holiday or to visit friends etc.

Oh dear, I really feel for you. How can you bear to leave your children in the care of a racist bigot? Are there really no after school clubs locally?

Ps "only in term time" is about 40 weeks every year. It's a massive massive amount if childcare. You said your 13 yr old has SEN, can they definitely not manage after school at home in front of the telly, with younger DC at after school club?

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland They do take a lot of holidays but I was hoping they could restrict them to the school holidays, when we don’t need childcare 😁.

I'm a grandmother who does a lot for my grandchildren, but I wouldn't want to do what you are asking. Sitting at yours every afternoon for hours while your kids amuse themselves sounds pretty dire . Why can't your kids have their devices, toys etc over at her place ?

You're asking for way too much.

@Nextphonewontbesamsung There is no after school care for the 13 year old and a huge waiting list for the younger one.

Sorry OP but that's borderline CF!

Do you realise it costs so much more to take holidays in school holidays? And its bloody unpleasant as everywhere is much busier.

I'm really sorry you've obviously had a really tough year, but don't you have any other options financially? Can you downsize house or get a mortgage extension to cut bills for a bit, sell anything, get rid of an expensive car etc?

The last thing older people want to do, is to take their holidays in the school holidays ! You really are stretching the friendship !

Sorry but asking them to restrict their holidays is just unreasonable.

Have you looked into tax credits for childcare? The income bar is a LOT higher than for main tax credits. You could get 70-80% of your childcare costs back. There will be an online calculator somewhere.

@ShippingNews Thanks for posting your view as a grandmother. They could take entertainment and snacks, but there is still the problem of FIL and eventually the cold. They are also completely unsupervised and there were a couple of incidents where the DC got injured at their house. Our house is more childproof.

If you are going to be working you must be bringing in enough to cover school wraparound easily. If you have debts can you look at refinancing them to give yourself a bit of breathing space, then just seriously cut your budgets at home? It can't be forever.