AIBU to ask MIL to look after DC at our house instead of hers?

[MeganTheVegan]

Good morning ladies, I am in a situation and am wondering if IABU here. Totally prepared to be told that I am. We have two DC, one teenager (with SEN) and one younger (NT), both at school. I was recently very ill and had to give up work for a few months. I had treatment and now I am fine. I need to get back to work ASAP as my time out of work has pushed us into an awful financial nightmare. The problem is that we lost our childcare as we couldn't afford to pay for it during the time that I wasn't working.

I am thinking of asking MIL to pick both DC up from school and look after them at ours until me or DH get home (about 2 hours). They live very close to us but I don't want her to look after them there for several reasons. She looked after them for a few weeks at their house before and it was fraught with problems.

1. The house is very cold. PIL do not feel the cold at all, unfortunately my DC are very sensitive to cold. It is quite miserable for them during the colder months. PIL refuse to put the heating on. Ever.

1. PIL largely ignore them and there is nothing to do at their house. No food or drinks offered, no children's TV, no interaction at all, just miserable really. At least at home they would have TV and their toys, it would be warm, there would be food and drinks.

1. FIL is a terrible racist. Blames one particular race for everything that's bad in the world. Literally half of what comes out of his mouth is racist. My DC are not like that, but I do worry how it affects them.

1. When they looked after them before, FIL kept going on about what a burden they were, even though they're not. He is quite begrudging about everything though. This made them feel bad and I don't want to subject them to that again.

MIL is OK, although I know she doesn't like me. It's not the best solution to our problem but we are in the depths of dispair financially and I don't know what else to do. I feel bad about asking her to schlep over to ours and sit here for 2 hours and I know FIL will hate it, but would IBU to ask?

Many thanks.

It all sounds so desperate.

To move for the sake of ILs & then discover that they're not interested.

Is lack of money the only reason for staying or are you the only one who would want to return?

Why can't you move back to the uk?

Why are you trapped?

Why are you "trapped" OP? I notice you've hardly mentioned your DH, is he supportive or is he part of the problem?

I don't think you're a Cheeky Fucker. I think you're desperately trying to dig yourself out of a hole and it sounds like a very lonely place to be.

Everyone else on the thread thinks I'm a Cheeky Fucker
I also didn’t think you were a cheeky fucker!
Some grandparents wouldn’t mind doing this at all and obviously some would. Don’t not ask her just because some people on here can’t imagine being tied to that schedule. Some older people who don’t work really don’t do much at all and would welcome the structure and feeling of usefulness. I think I’ll probably be one of those so I’m not knocking them. Some, of course, are very busy. Only you know what your MIL is like. Possibly, you wouldn’t have come up with this plan if you knew she was busy every day.
I wouldn’t hold your breath on them taking holidays in school holidays though.

For those who are asking why the OP doesn't move back to the UK, I would have thought it was bloody obvious. They have no money and even if they could afford to move back, if the DH says no, he may also say no to the OP taking the DC with her and she won't leave without them.

OP I am so sorry, it must be hell living somewhere you hate. If the PiL have only seen the children twice in eight months, I honestly can't see them agreeing to what you propose. Sorry that doesn't help at all and hope one of the other suggestions may be useful for you to sort out this problem.

PS Your not a CF - you're desperate.

I'm so sorry OP that it is so hard to find a solution. I'm sure you have your reasons for not mentioning the country you live in, but a lot of solutions would depend on what country that is.

For example, could you get an au pair? I don't know what countries operate that system. Or if you have a spare room, you could let it out rent-free in return for this help.

If you know the house gets cold, send them with an extra jumper. You say your house is child proof but if in primary and older then don' really need child proofing.
Talk to MIL about the fact the children were bored so she can plan activities /entertainment. (Mine get bored a home.)
Provide a snack for them to have. Or just ask MI if she could give them a drink and biscuit/ sandwhich.

@MeganTheVegan why don't you just ask and see what she says? I really don't see the harm in asking. The worst thing she can say is no.

All you can do is ask, don’t be surprised if she declines. I wouldn’t expect long term childcare from a relative, it’s better to fork out for ‘real’ childcare imo. Just saves a massive headache and means you’re not overly reliant on family who can be fickle at best. Their house and FIL sounds awful anyway.

i dont think youre a CF in the slightest.
Hardly unusual to help out your kids and watch your grandchildren.

Im pretty sure this is the first ever generation to take issue with it, its so weird.

. In pretty much every single culture grandparents help with their grandkids

You sound really stuck and sad. Honestly, I would help out my children, but not for 5 days a week. In this case though, I can't imagine they would even agree. They have barely seen you and you say they don't like you, so are unlikely to help out.

I imagine the finances make it impossible to relocate. I may have missed this but what is the situation with your family? Do you want to talk any more about your situation? If you could say roughly where you are then people in that area may have suggestions you haven't thought of

I know this thread is a long way down the list but I saw it this morning and haven't been able to post until now.

I think it's OK to ask, you are not demanding a service, this is a cry for help. I think you can ask for this help, but make it temporary, so just for one term, for example, while you get some money saved up for more formal childcare. Say how very very grateful you will be and how much you and your husband would value this temporary help. Give some reason for being at yours that isn't 'their house is cold and boring', say you will provide snacks for your MIL or whatever she would like. My Mum says anything is bearable or doable if it is time-limited, and if this is just for a term, she might say yes.

You and your husband are just asking for help at a tough time. It's reasonable to ask, I think, although it is also reasonable for her to say no.

Good luck, OP, I hope you get something sorted.

I also don’t think you are a CF, you are just trying to find ideas to keep your head above water

If you’ve only seen them twice in eight months how do you know their house is still cold and they won’t feed & will ignore them?

And sending them with an extra jumper's all well and good, but who wants to sit somewhere with a cold hands and face if they can be warm at home?!

You sound in a tough place OP, but you must realise that you're asking a lot.

Maybe ask if they could do a couple of days and see what they say.

But dispense of any thoughts of them moving their holidays, that is totally unreasonable.

Good luck.

Did you get sorted OP?

OP, being completely honest-does your market stall make you the same amount of money as say a supermarket job would, working the same hours evenings and weekends? I get that you might enjoy it less but financially, would you be better off?

They do take a lot of holidays but I was hoping they could restrict them to the school holidays, when we don’t need childcare

Ha, you sound like a friend's daughter who was furious that her parents had the temerity to book a holiday without checking it was convenient with her!
Reading about all the fuss made about taking children out of school for cheaper holidays, why on earth would anyone take a holiday in school holiday time if they didn't need to?