AIBU to ask MIL to look after DC at our house instead of hers?

[MeganTheVegan]

Good morning ladies, I am in a situation and am wondering if IABU here. Totally prepared to be told that I am. We have two DC, one teenager (with SEN) and one younger (NT), both at school. I was recently very ill and had to give up work for a few months. I had treatment and now I am fine. I need to get back to work ASAP as my time out of work has pushed us into an awful financial nightmare. The problem is that we lost our childcare as we couldn't afford to pay for it during the time that I wasn't working.

I am thinking of asking MIL to pick both DC up from school and look after them at ours until me or DH get home (about 2 hours). They live very close to us but I don't want her to look after them there for several reasons. She looked after them for a few weeks at their house before and it was fraught with problems.

1. The house is very cold. PIL do not feel the cold at all, unfortunately my DC are very sensitive to cold. It is quite miserable for them during the colder months. PIL refuse to put the heating on. Ever.

1. PIL largely ignore them and there is nothing to do at their house. No food or drinks offered, no children's TV, no interaction at all, just miserable really. At least at home they would have TV and their toys, it would be warm, there would be food and drinks.

1. FIL is a terrible racist. Blames one particular race for everything that's bad in the world. Literally half of what comes out of his mouth is racist. My DC are not like that, but I do worry how it affects them.

1. When they looked after them before, FIL kept going on about what a burden they were, even though they're not. He is quite begrudging about everything though. This made them feel bad and I don't want to subject them to that again.

MIL is OK, although I know she doesn't like me. It's not the best solution to our problem but we are in the depths of dispair financially and I don't know what else to do. I feel bad about asking her to schlep over to ours and sit here for 2 hours and I know FIL will hate it, but would IBU to ask?

Many thanks.

Where is your husband in all this? Assuming he is still on the scene as you are in touch with your in-laws, why isn't he helping to sort it out? Could he work more hours or could you work less? Could you take some time out or would it be too difficult to get another job?

I think you would be very unreasonable to ask your in laws to provide childcare, not least because you dislike and despise them. You are in effect seeking to use them until something better turns up, despite the fact that it will be a massive commitment for them. And you expect them to arrange their holidays around your childcare needs.....!

No heating, food or drinks(!) is bloody horrible.

You can't ask them to do this.

2 hours a day, every day is a massive ask. And no to take holidays apart from when the schools are off?

I cannot believe you think this is going to work.

About why we never see them... we try, honestly we do. We are always suggesting meeting up, but they always have an excuse. I don't think they like me.

Your child has SN has he got an EHCP.
Does your local authority provide any transport how far is your home from school because this will determine if your eligible or not for this support.
I ask as a mother of a child with profound needs.
That’s the difference.
I use an agency for care but the coach picks and drops her daily.
Three hours is what is needed for me to get back from time she’s dropped.I a
So have support from family if I get into a situation ie carer can’t come.
My work place is a GEM.
They have always been supportive but I don’t like to take the piss.
Do not ask for a buddy as it’s not acceptable due to your child’s needs.
This is really difficult and it’s only. If you have been in this situation that you can grasp the enormity of suitable care for our children.mines for life.
Your asking for too much.way to much regardless of how mean or Unmean they are.
I personally would hate to sit In a home thats not mine twiddling my thumbs.
There is a site can’t remember the name but it’s for daily sitters.know some parents with SN children have used this.
The main cost for the agency will be the initial pay.
Failing this if you have any schools around could you pop in and leave a card asking if one of the SMSA could do it with pay.
You are getting your DLA and other benefits I hope.
This would help
I can imagine your state of mind.
What about your husband what’s he saying after all they are his parents.

Massive ask. This is their retirement. Are you expecting them to restrict their daily plans long term for childcare? What if they want to go on holiday, out for the day etc etc. You're expecting them to curtail all that, possibly for years to watch two DC?! If they wanted to do it they'd offer. I wouldn't want to do it. It is a massive burden.
And I sympathise because I've had DC my DM wouldn't commit to watching for one hour a week after school for 9 months, and had to find other paid help. Please don't ask.

Could you get a job working evenings and weekends? It's what we do, we work back to back due to no childcare.

Your asking to much ...I thought you meant once when I read it ,now I realise u want every school day ..
Change your work hours to fit in with YOUR kids

I don’t think it’s such a great deal for a sixth former. Five days a week every week is a big commitment when you are going to have deadlines, parties, illness, tiredness...

Can't you pack them an after school snack bag with food and drinks and also some toys / devices for them to play with? Also get them some warm clothes / blanket to keep there is they get cold? When my in-laws looked after my lo I doubled up on loads of stuff like toys, clothes etc... so that he had stuff at their house as well as ours. Most of the main issues (Bar the racism!) can be improved by you taking proactive action and providing them. I think to otherwise ask your mil to spend a few hours at yours every day during term time is too much to ask. The tables will flip from your kids been bored to her being bored which doesn't seem fair if she's doing you a favour.

I think it’s the way you ask and saying it in a way that isn’t criticising their life and who they are as people. Just share your worries as a mother or get your partner to talk to them? I think your going to have to grit your teeth and just let them go to theirs because you don’t have the luxury of choice.

Talk to your children after they come back about their worries and teach them about racism. Maybe you can get your kids to pull on nana’s heart strings and say it’s cold? Or invest in a special thick jumper and slippers for nana’s house?

Op, it sounds like they are just not suitable to be looking after children full stop! FWIW, I look after my Dgs one day a week at his house and much prefer doing that. I would also be ok with looking after him at his own house if his parents were in the same situation as you, as I know he'd be happier there, and I'd be able to prepare his tea there too. But you're thinking about them being looked after by someone who has allowed accidents to happen and who is racist. What if your mil agreed but FIL came with her? You'd be unable to say he couldn't come.

I don't think it's a massive ask at all if gps are prepared to do 2hrs childcare Mon to Fri.

Hey MIL how about takong the dc back to our house, it will mean more time with them rather than in the car and they will be so much more settled. Also, it keeps the mess at my house. My mother and MIL would have much preferred that arrangement.

I think you're asking way too much.

2 hours every day. That's is a massive commitment and really curtails their own free time.

Making them take their holidays outside of term time. Why would you expect them to do that when it will be more expensive and much busier.

You really can't ask them for all that, OP, it's too much.

You do know op, that on Mumsnet it's considered a massive imposition to ask gps to provide childcare? And as for unpaid childcare?!! Well, that's outrageous! It's on a par with not charging your dcs rent as soon as they get a paper round.

In reality, many people would do whatever they could to support their close family. It absolutely doesn't seem like a big ask to me at all and hopefully MIL might see it as preferable to having them in her home. Some of the pps' comments might be appropriate if you were asking a friend to do this. But grandparents?!!!

I could never sit by and watch any of my dcs struggle financially and not help them if I was able to. I'd rather look after kids in their house where they will be far more easily able to occupy themselves than in my own. And as an adult, I'm just about capable of finding a way of keeping myself entertained 🙄.

I feel for you op, I really do. The way the vast majority of people on here view how families should operate is not mine.

Could you get a job working evenings and weekends?

I already work evenings and weekends. I have a market stall on Saturdays and Sundays and spend most evenings making stuff for my stall. Unfortunately it's not enough to cover the shortfall.

Still, there are people a lot more worse off than us, I know that.

2 hours a day, 5 days a week, middle of the day, in someone else’s house rather than their own? That is an enormous ask.

@Palaver1 We don't live in the UK so are not entitled to anything. Not even free prescriptions. Our teen is on very expensive medication for one of his conditions and we have to pay it all.

I already work evenings and weekends. I have a market stall on Saturdays and Sundays and spend most evenings making stuff for my stall

This sounds like an expensive hobby.

What is your dh doing to help?

Why don't you hire a babysitter 2-3 days a week to work at your PILs house. That way they can pick up with their car but then their house is just the venue. Babysitter can ensure adequate supervision for those afternoons. Cold can be sorted by jumpers and jackets.

@Iggly That is extremely rude. I am doing all I can to keep a roof over our heads. You think I want to spend all weekend away from my family?

You do know op, that on Mumsnet it's considered a massive imposition to ask gps to provide childcare? And as for unpaid childcare?!!

What if MIL asked OP to care for FIL 2 hours a days, five times a week for free. You think she would be entitled to ask for that, or is it just dc that get it for free?

It's exactly because they are family that you shouldn't take the piss and expect a massive commitment from them for a situation that is not of their making.

@FrancisCrawford They were both in After-School Care. However, the older DC is now too old and there is a very long waiting list for the younger DC.