AIBU to ask MIL to look after DC at our house instead of hers?

[MeganTheVegan]

Good morning ladies, I am in a situation and am wondering if IABU here. Totally prepared to be told that I am. We have two DC, one teenager (with SEN) and one younger (NT), both at school. I was recently very ill and had to give up work for a few months. I had treatment and now I am fine. I need to get back to work ASAP as my time out of work has pushed us into an awful financial nightmare. The problem is that we lost our childcare as we couldn't afford to pay for it during the time that I wasn't working.

I am thinking of asking MIL to pick both DC up from school and look after them at ours until me or DH get home (about 2 hours). They live very close to us but I don't want her to look after them there for several reasons. She looked after them for a few weeks at their house before and it was fraught with problems.

1. The house is very cold. PIL do not feel the cold at all, unfortunately my DC are very sensitive to cold. It is quite miserable for them during the colder months. PIL refuse to put the heating on. Ever.

1. PIL largely ignore them and there is nothing to do at their house. No food or drinks offered, no children's TV, no interaction at all, just miserable really. At least at home they would have TV and their toys, it would be warm, there would be food and drinks.

1. FIL is a terrible racist. Blames one particular race for everything that's bad in the world. Literally half of what comes out of his mouth is racist. My DC are not like that, but I do worry how it affects them.

1. When they looked after them before, FIL kept going on about what a burden they were, even though they're not. He is quite begrudging about everything though. This made them feel bad and I don't want to subject them to that again.

MIL is OK, although I know she doesn't like me. It's not the best solution to our problem but we are in the depths of dispair financially and I don't know what else to do. I feel bad about asking her to schlep over to ours and sit here for 2 hours and I know FIL will hate it, but would IBU to ask?

Many thanks.

We don’t own our house, we are renting. And there is no available childcare, even if I could afford to pay for it.

Re the issues such as the cold, send your precious ones in jumpers etc! If you are seriously expecting them to give you this huge amount of childcare for FREE you need to take anything they can offer on their terms.

Ps. What's your plan if when they say no? Because I seriously think at most they might give you a day or two a week.

I would try to find a babysitter op....perhaps an older teen?

Have you tried putting out notices for an older teenager eg a 6th former at your teenagers school, to come & mind your 13 yr old? How serious is the SEN, do they need care or just someone there in case of emergency.

If you are renting can you move somewhere cheaper to save money.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland The thing is, they need to have a car in order to pick both DC up.

So it's not just childcare it's a pick up too. Are neither walking distance? Can your teen manage the bus with friends?

OP you really need to work out your budget etc because I think you are assuming your PIL will agree to this and I really can't see why they would in a million years, so you need to find a back up plan. A child minder may agree to have an older one for a low price as they won't count towards ratios.

Can your teen manage the bus with friends?

No, definitely not. I am not being precious, my older child was babysitting when they were 13 years old, but my current 13 year needs a babysitter.

Providing free childcare every day in their own house is a huge commitment, never mind in yours.

Seriously OP you're asking for far too much.

Can you do some evening/weekend work while your partner is home, to top up your finances a bit? Eg at a local pub or supermarket.

That’s unanimous then 😞. Thanks for posting everyone, I won’t be asking PIL to look after the DC.

They do take a lot of holidays but I was hoping they could restrict them to the school holidays, when we don’t need childcare

Oh dear.

I know you've said that you've had a bad time but this is really not going to work is it?

I think long term this is a big ask. I think you need to look at alternatives. Ask MIL to help out short term while you find another solution. I think a refinancing or asking for a loan is a good option. A local babysitter with a car. Maybe a parent from your child’s school would like to earn a little bit of money on the side and could collect your children as well as their own.

Yeah, I think you are asking way too much. You want them to do this every week day during term time? And reschedule their holidays for term time? My parents are super-nice, but I wouldn't ask this of them.

Can you ask your in-laws for some financial help to sort out proper childcare?

I really don't know what the solution is for you, but I really hope you can work something out.

Thanks @BlackCatSleeping.

I think you can ask for help OP but maybe make your request open ended, ask for after school care help and see how many days they volunteer. Even a day or two saves you money if they don't mind doing it. I just wouldn't ask for the full week. If it's only a day too it's easier for you to work around if they go on holiday (another school mum might be willing to help you the odd day, especially if you can return favours)

my older child was babysitting when they were 13 years old, but my current 13 year needs a babysitter.

Would you ask your older child to look after the other two? I imagine the answer is no for several reasons:
-The commitment/ responsibility is huge
-It eats into their day, every day
-It restricts what they can do with the rest of their day
-They would be doing it for free

Most people would see this as very unfair. Same goes with your MIL.

Anyway, that's by the by as you're not going ahead.
I hope you find a solution OP.

@Elodie2019 My older child lives in another country. We moved to DH’s home country so that DC could have a relationship with their GP (the PIL). Sadly, they don’t really seem interested in our DC. In spite of living only 10 mins away, we’ve only seen them twice since Christmas.

I have been mulling this over and the best I can come up with is seeing if a year 13 ( 17/ 18 years old) from school could travel with them and supervise for the two hours.
The age gap would be enough to give the year 13 some authority .
This would only work if it was purely a supervisory role, maybe they could do studying whilst your two occupied themselves .
It did cross my mind that they might be able to drive the dc home but that opens a whole new can of insurance worms !
Good luck, you do seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place . I hope the situation gets resolved soon and that your health continues to improve.

@Trumpton That’s a really good idea for my teen. They would be like a buddy, I guess. I might approach the school to see if they can suggest one of their older pupils who might be looking for extra money. Actually, the more I think about it, it’s an excellent idea.

I will then just need to work something out for the younger one.

I'd agree with that idea - my DD had a similar problem and she put a query on the school Facebook page. The daughter of one of the teachers applied - 20 yr old at uni. It's working really well . She just takes them home and then does some study while they occupy themselves. And she gets some pocket money so it's a win/ win situation. Good luck op.

Thanks ShippingNews. I will look into it.

What size is gp house? Would they have a corner where the kids could set up a snug with TV, dvds, games console, snacks (you provide) and just have them there to vaguely oversee. That wouldn't be such an ask if they're the kind of gps that like being present but not engaged.

I wouldn’t ask school about an older teen looking after your younger teen personally. There’s too much responsibility on them for one.

Maybe ask MIL two days a week and look for a reputable babysitter/childminder the other three?

Where’s DH in all of this? Sorry if I’ve missed it. Hope you find a solution OP, I know childcare can be difficult.