AIBU to ask MIL to look after DC at our house instead of hers?

[MeganTheVegan]

Good morning ladies, I am in a situation and am wondering if IABU here. Totally prepared to be told that I am. We have two DC, one teenager (with SEN) and one younger (NT), both at school. I was recently very ill and had to give up work for a few months. I had treatment and now I am fine. I need to get back to work ASAP as my time out of work has pushed us into an awful financial nightmare. The problem is that we lost our childcare as we couldn't afford to pay for it during the time that I wasn't working.

I am thinking of asking MIL to pick both DC up from school and look after them at ours until me or DH get home (about 2 hours). They live very close to us but I don't want her to look after them there for several reasons. She looked after them for a few weeks at their house before and it was fraught with problems.

1. The house is very cold. PIL do not feel the cold at all, unfortunately my DC are very sensitive to cold. It is quite miserable for them during the colder months. PIL refuse to put the heating on. Ever.

1. PIL largely ignore them and there is nothing to do at their house. No food or drinks offered, no children's TV, no interaction at all, just miserable really. At least at home they would have TV and their toys, it would be warm, there would be food and drinks.

1. FIL is a terrible racist. Blames one particular race for everything that's bad in the world. Literally half of what comes out of his mouth is racist. My DC are not like that, but I do worry how it affects them.

1. When they looked after them before, FIL kept going on about what a burden they were, even though they're not. He is quite begrudging about everything though. This made them feel bad and I don't want to subject them to that again.

MIL is OK, although I know she doesn't like me. It's not the best solution to our problem but we are in the depths of dispair financially and I don't know what else to do. I feel bad about asking her to schlep over to ours and sit here for 2 hours and I know FIL will hate it, but would IBU to ask?

Many thanks.

Pingu I'm 50. All my grandparents were racist (pre war generation). They also thought single mothers were a shame and a scandal. And that people should know their place in society (esp women). I still loved them and enjoyed spending time with them, and I was able to do so without imbibing their dates views.

I would be more concerned that they dont appear to like their gc very much. But the OP and her dh are desperate.

OP where is your DH in this? They're his parents.

I'm a GP. I would do this temporarily but I'm not like your ILs

I can understand that in your situation it seems like a good solution to your problems. But it is a huge commitment to ask of someone and I think you are very optimistic to think people who have seen your kids twice in the last half year and going to now want to give up every afternoon to them. Also, even if they do say yes immediately, I would give it about three weeks before they come back and say they have changed their minds. I would work on finding another solution to this one.

I think it wouldn't hurt to ask if she would be prepared to do it sometimes, but if she wants to do it at hers, then your kids will have to suck it up. Wear thermals in the winter and take a book or console

Op this sounds really tough. However, you forget that you do have choices here. Where is your husband/partner in all this (you do keep dodging this bullet)? Why do you have to stay there forever - why can’t you come back to the uk?

I too think yabu, it’s far too big an ask for GPS who aren’t involved. They don’t sound nice either. But I’m with pp, if that’s what it takes to get you out of financial got water then ask them, but be prepared for it to be at their house.

OP what a shitty situation.

I hope you can find an alternative arrangement.

I know you aren't in the UK, but are your DC due to start their new school term in the next week or so? If so, you must be beyond stressed.

There's been little sympathy or understanding shown to you on this thread. I do agree with others, though, it sounds unsustainable.

Have you breached the subject at all? It doesn't sound like they'll agree to it from things you've said. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't even agree to the bit about having the DCs 5 days a week at their house, never mind at your house.

Could you start off by asking them to provide cover at your house for in the short term, until you can arrange an alternative? A local trustworthy teenager, maybe? How old is your youngest? Sorry if I've missed that.

1. Exactly how old are the children and type of SN support that is needed.
2. What country because it does make a difference

1. If they are completely unsupervised why not just leave them home alone?

I think maybe one or twice a week would be acceptable but every afternoon for weeks on end is too much. What would happen if you mother in law was sick suddenly. What would you do? I don’t think you can expect them to holiday when you don’t need them. That is unfair. Perhaps you and your husband can look at jigging your hours a bit so one of you starts earlier and finishes earlier and the other starts later etc

Tbh OP if the GPs have only seen you and the kids twice since Christmas despite living round the corner then it's safe to assume they won't want to look after them every day, regardless of where they do it.

I'm trying to think of alternatives for you...what about some kind of after school activity/sports?

Is there any chance of you or your OH getting flexible working/work from home?

As a grandma I have always preferred to do childcare at dd’ home rather than ours. I have done 3 days a week for 12 years now. I do 3 till 6 in term time. I would struggle to do 5 days though. It means not having a full day to yourself in the week.
I love doing it and will be sad when it ends. The boys are 13 and 10 now and I am 75.

Could you and your DH not use some AL for when GPs want to go away? What's your plan to cover school holidays as even if you both saved AL for that it probably wouldn't be enough. Surely it'll be even worse if that's when PIL are going away? I can imagine this working as a temp solution but not long term. How long will it take you to be more financially secure?

Something needs to give.

You can’t go on like this. These people are not the answer to your childcare issues, you’re only asking her because you’re desperate

You could ask... but I’d imagine fil would nix it anyway because it’d inconvenience him to have mil away for a second and he’d lose control of the situation- he’d probably feel like you’re using mil as a servant...

Your answer is to make some kind of move to get back to the UK, either you come back with the kids and dh follow, or dh go, get job and then you follow.

Is he doing all HE can to cover childcare?

That is extremely rude. I am doing all I can to keep a roof over our heads

Sorry OP, I just meant that if you’re not making money and are operating at a loss, then you need to park the stall for now and find a different job.

Is your dh expecting you to fund the financial shortfall? I don’t understand where he is in all of this.

If they've only seen your DC twice since Christmas they aren't exactly showing they want to be more involved sadly.

Also just asking them to holiday in the school holidays is too cheeky - prices are almost double and it's a dreadful time to go.

Is your dh expecting you to fund the financial shortfall? I don’t understand where he is in all of this.

Presumably OP's DH has carried on working as normal throughout her illness and therefore is already doing his bit. The shortfall is from OP being out of work now.

Shes not in.the UK so.most of ourcadvice might not be fit for purpose

I think you should ask, MIL might be glad to get away from FIL and come to yours on a couple of days. If she only wants them at theirs, then it's jumpers, snack boxes and something to keep them occupied. You can phrase it that it will be short-term until you can arrange long-term child-care, it will give you a breathing space. It won't be sustainable though as I do agree it's unreasonable to expect them to change their holidays.

OP Poor you. I think the solution is the excellent idea upthread of the job for the 6th former / Year 13. Advertise this as a structured paid job for a student and seek the school's support in referring suitable young people for the role. (Also do talk to the school about the issue generally to get their support).

On a longer term note, why are you trapped there? It doesn't sound like this is where you should be living- no support, virtually no contact with PIL, you hate it etc. If it were me I would not wish myself or my DC to be anywhere near the racist FIL.

Why can't you move back to the UK?

@MeganTheVegan I was an after school buddy for 3 teenagers when I was in S6. (Scottish system, so I was 16/17) it was brilliant. I got them home, made them a snack, made me a snack. Supervised homework and did my own homework too. It was like being paid to eat, work and watch TV (the boys were brilliant company too)

I did holiday days too and took them on days out.

I hope it works for you.

I also think you should get some advice about finances and benefits.

You don't mention what your OH is doing to help you work this situation out. It's his responsibility too.

So let me get this straight. You moved to another country to live near in-laws, who you've seen twice in 8 months? There's no childcare or welfare in this country? And you rent your house.

Why can't you move back to the UK?

Nothing more to add re asking your MIL to have the kids every day at your house - obviously that wasn't going to work given her level of interest in your GCs, and you and your DH were bonkers to think it would.

“Why can't you move back to the UK?”

I’m that people keep asking this. Even without other factors we don’t know about, OP and her DH are in a dire financial situation and can’t even afford a nanny for a few months, how do you think they are going to finance an international move?!

OP tbh under the circumstances I would ask the GP and see what they say. Otherwise you’ll never know what the outcome could’ve been. IF they say yes then send them with layers and iPads and take it week by week. It won’t be forvever

would love to move back to the UK, unfortunately I’m trapped here. Forever. Wish I was dead sometimes. If it wasn’t for the DC I would not carry on.

Oh OP, you are in a shitty position. You can only ask but the chances are the answer will be no anyway.

Oh sweetheart, your desperation and despair is palpable. How are you trapped? Talk to us and maybe we can strategise with you. We can’t ride in and rescue you but we can listen and who knows we might come up with ideas.

Can you move nearer to the school so it is walking distance and then have a local teen walk them home and sit with them until you come home?

Can you or DH change your working hours a couple of days a week? Go in early, home early....that sort of thing, to at least mean you only need support two or three days instead of five.

If you moved country to be near DH parents who seem less than interested, why not move back?

It would be a decent job for a sixth former tbh they could do some study at your house whilst the dc entertained themselves. Quite a few have cars as well so could pick up your youngest and bring them home. You'd need to make sure you provided snacks and wifi but I think you'd get plenty of takers.

It’s too much of a commitment for a sixth former imo. They have a lot of work to do for college and I think they would get fed up of being responsible for two minors every night of the working week for 2 hours. Plus I don’t think it’s fair to heap that responsibility of keeping them safe etc. I just wouldn’t.