AIBU to ask MIL to look after DC at our house instead of hers?

[MeganTheVegan]

Good morning ladies, I am in a situation and am wondering if IABU here. Totally prepared to be told that I am. We have two DC, one teenager (with SEN) and one younger (NT), both at school. I was recently very ill and had to give up work for a few months. I had treatment and now I am fine. I need to get back to work ASAP as my time out of work has pushed us into an awful financial nightmare. The problem is that we lost our childcare as we couldn't afford to pay for it during the time that I wasn't working.

I am thinking of asking MIL to pick both DC up from school and look after them at ours until me or DH get home (about 2 hours). They live very close to us but I don't want her to look after them there for several reasons. She looked after them for a few weeks at their house before and it was fraught with problems.

1. The house is very cold. PIL do not feel the cold at all, unfortunately my DC are very sensitive to cold. It is quite miserable for them during the colder months. PIL refuse to put the heating on. Ever.

1. PIL largely ignore them and there is nothing to do at their house. No food or drinks offered, no children's TV, no interaction at all, just miserable really. At least at home they would have TV and their toys, it would be warm, there would be food and drinks.

1. FIL is a terrible racist. Blames one particular race for everything that's bad in the world. Literally half of what comes out of his mouth is racist. My DC are not like that, but I do worry how it affects them.

1. When they looked after them before, FIL kept going on about what a burden they were, even though they're not. He is quite begrudging about everything though. This made them feel bad and I don't want to subject them to that again.

MIL is OK, although I know she doesn't like me. It's not the best solution to our problem but we are in the depths of dispair financially and I don't know what else to do. I feel bad about asking her to schlep over to ours and sit here for 2 hours and I know FIL will hate it, but would IBU to ask?

Many thanks.

Too much to ask
More importantly - not at all satisfactory childcare

If you can’t afford a couple of hours childcare a day - then you are being paid below minimum wage!

Are all of MIL friends minted too? Could she suggest anyone who is retired but in need of money who might work a few days to pick up youngest and bring them home so sometimes the teen buddy looks after the two and sometimes the older person, with MIL tentatively pencilled in as emergency back up. You might find a parent or a few people willing to drop the youngest home if the school is nearby. How old is the youngest? When will they be able to walk home alone?

Considering your illness might your work be willing to negotiate a reduction in hours/ days for a short while? Could dh leave early once a week too? Hopefully if you are working nearly full time though losing two hours in childcare fees will still make it financially viable.

I didn’t read your post because it’s irrelevant, of course it’s not unreasonable. My mil does it this way, it’s easier for her in the sense that she has everything she needs.

Thanks @Jellybeansincognito, although you are in a minority of one. Everyone else on the thread thinks I'm a Cheeky Fucker .

I wouldn't be doing this, sorry - but unlike other posters, not because it's too demanding of your poor PIL (although it is true that if they are doing you a favour you have little control over the terms), but because it sounds dreadful for the children, on a number of levels.

Perhaps there's a responsible university or college student who might look after them for a reasonable price? or, yes, someone retired who would like to earn a little extra money?

I understand how difficult it's been for you, but the PIL arrangement is likely to break down before too long and leave you in the same hole anyway.

Do you have any friends who have kids at the same school as yours who could collect and look after them for payment for a couple of hours? My mum used to do this with one of my friends; her mum worked and my friend would come home with us, have snacks/drinks and her mum would pay mine weekly. Would something like that work?

You’ve seen them twice in eight months but want to ask them to have your DC after school. You can ask but expect a no

Where is your husband in all this? Why is this left for you to sort?

They do take a lot of holidays but I was hoping they could restrict them to the school holidays, when we don’t need childcare 😁.

I thought you were asking quite a lot before I even got to this bit. You're being extremely unreasonable to ask this of grandparents, although you're not the only one. I have lots of friends who take the piss with grandparents in this way.

You keep saying there’s no available childcare for the 13 year old - what did you do before you had to take the time out of work? You said you lost your oldchildcare, so there must be some option.

If they’ve only seen you twice since Christmas I can’t imagine them saying yes to having them at their house or yours. Going from once every 4-5 months to every day is a big jump!

I feel for you ,but asking someone to have them every evening after School ,and limiting their holidays to School Breaks is far too much to ask!.What about a chum of your younger son? would he be able to go to them after School do you think? .Many Childminders offer After School Care as well.The fact they dont have any heating on and arent forthcoming with snacks or drinks ,suggests to me they dont really want to have the DC there !.Can you change your hours at all ?Start earlier come back for after school?.Relying on an elderly couple is a lot to ask ,they have had their children and are entitled to some peace and quiet in their golden years!

Why is it too much responsibility for older teen? We had an A-Level student look after DC one evening a week (dc were approx 8-10). When student went off to uni she came back and did holiday childcare and dc still love seeing her even though student is long graduated and dc are older. She became like a big sister and it worked well for everyone

Are there any students near you? If so this might be a great job for one.

Is your child with SN entitled to school transport? I would check on this. And I hope you are claiming or have investigated claiming DLA.

That's a big ask - you want MIL to give up every single weekday afternoon for the foreseeable future to look after your DC for free - it's just not going to happen.

You need to look into paid options - like PP said perhaps a sixth former or if you're close to a university, what about a student looking to make some extra money? They can collect and then study at your house - I'm sure most would be happy to do so for some extra cash and access to coffee and biscuits!

Why would anyone pay to go on holiday in the school holidays if they don't need to!

I am coming to an age where I may have GC in the next few years. I will be happy to help out but wouldn’t want to sit in their house. I wouldn’t have my own things with me, would have things waiting to do at home, wouldn’t have access to my kitchen etc.

I wouldn’t want to sit for a couple of hours a day in someone else’s house whilst my dinner was waiting to cook at home.

I have just read the school holidays bit.....lol

My lovely parents had mine for two days a week when small. I took everything to them at theirs. Dad used to help them make toys in his shed with his tools, mum baked with them, they ran in and out of their sprinkler in their big garden. So much fun.

YAB massively U

I think you need to pay a nanny OP.

They’ve seen them twice since last Christmas and you want them to see them 75 times between now and next Christmas?

Not going to happen.

You’re not a CF, it means they don’t have to make their home appropriate, they won’t have to deal with mess at their house, they don’t have to buy anything special in or use any of their food. They can just come- look after the kids and leave.

Surely it’s much easier?

My son's secondary school has an extra curricular club on pretty much every day of the week - even doing homework in the library might be an option.

It’s a huge commitment even without the caveats.

Given the little choice you do have and it’s only for 120 minutes, load them up with snacks, entertainment (they could also do homework) and warm clothing. Sometimes needs must.

This gets worse. You live only 10 mins from the PIL but have only seen them twice in 8 months, yet you expect them to have the DGC every day, at your house, long term. And start taking their holidays during the school holidays. Why on earth do you think they will say yes to this?

Also, why would you be asking MIL for this help? Your DH should be the one having the discussion with them, and they may be more amenable if it's coming from their son.

Maybe an alternative is to find a job with opposite hours to your DH, so one of you works days and the other finds night shift work?

And other options? Like you and DH each work a day less and look after the kids +other kids and two days the other kids parents look after yours? That way you only need to pay for 1 day of childcare or ask GP. One day a week is such a lesser ask than every day.

Of course it's cheeky @Jellybeansincognito

OP has seen her in-laws twice since Christmas and now wants them to give up every single term-time afternoon for the foreseeable future, for free, to pick up the DC and look after them for several hours.

That's massively restrictive and considering they barely see each other, extremely cheeky!

If you've only seen them twice since Christmas, how can you imagine they would want to look after the DC for 200 days per year? When you don't even like them it's clearly going to be important to find a different solution.

OP you say you cannot afford childcare. Why is DH not contributing? It’s not just your financial burden; it’s his too. Childcare is something we both pay for. Just because you’re the one going back to work doesn’t mean you have to shoulder that entire burden!

As for expecting your PILs - who sound vile and who you never see - to only go on holiday in school holiday time YABU. I fantasise about the day when we can leave our DC and go for a cheap break in the sun. I reckon it’ll be another 8 years.