AIBU to ask MIL to look after DC at our house instead of hers?

[MeganTheVegan]

Good morning ladies, I am in a situation and am wondering if IABU here. Totally prepared to be told that I am. We have two DC, one teenager (with SEN) and one younger (NT), both at school. I was recently very ill and had to give up work for a few months. I had treatment and now I am fine. I need to get back to work ASAP as my time out of work has pushed us into an awful financial nightmare. The problem is that we lost our childcare as we couldn't afford to pay for it during the time that I wasn't working.

I am thinking of asking MIL to pick both DC up from school and look after them at ours until me or DH get home (about 2 hours). They live very close to us but I don't want her to look after them there for several reasons. She looked after them for a few weeks at their house before and it was fraught with problems.

1. The house is very cold. PIL do not feel the cold at all, unfortunately my DC are very sensitive to cold. It is quite miserable for them during the colder months. PIL refuse to put the heating on. Ever.

1. PIL largely ignore them and there is nothing to do at their house. No food or drinks offered, no children's TV, no interaction at all, just miserable really. At least at home they would have TV and their toys, it would be warm, there would be food and drinks.

1. FIL is a terrible racist. Blames one particular race for everything that's bad in the world. Literally half of what comes out of his mouth is racist. My DC are not like that, but I do worry how it affects them.

1. When they looked after them before, FIL kept going on about what a burden they were, even though they're not. He is quite begrudging about everything though. This made them feel bad and I don't want to subject them to that again.

MIL is OK, although I know she doesn't like me. It's not the best solution to our problem but we are in the depths of dispair financially and I don't know what else to do. I feel bad about asking her to schlep over to ours and sit here for 2 hours and I know FIL will hate it, but would IBU to ask?

Many thanks.

I don’t think your a CF. I think your in a financial pickle through no fault of your own and your trying to dig your way out of it. Your turning to your parents in a time of need, and I truly hope that if my daughter explained your circumstances I would do my best to help.

I can only suggest you and you DH have a frank discussion with your in-laws being open and honest about your situation. Perhaps ascertain if first they are willing to help at all, and if so, how much? Then take it from there.

I do sort of get her wanting them in her own home as it’s less disruptive, she can make tea/clean, her friends can come for coffee etc.

Get the youngest name down ASAP for wrap around. However, as you’ve stated, your dire financial situation will make this tough. Childcare is crippling, even on a FT wage without debt!!!

I genuinely feel you- I don’t think your a CF at all. Your doing your best

YANBU to ask them to come to your house. My PIL have started doing this now children are older. However it is only on a Monday - they pick up from school at 3pm and DH is home by about 4.30.
However we see a fair amount of them. It sadly doesn't sound like your PIL are too invested in the GC.
Which country are you in? Do they have after school activities like in the UK? Can you request some flexibility in work e.g. work through lunch one day & leave earlier? Can you ask to work a 4 day week?
Also if PIL aren't seeing you much could you look at moving back to UK?
In the meantime could you do as others suggested and try to find a 'mothers help'? So perhaps ask PIL to do max 2 pick ups?

@FrancisCrawford We're on the waiting list for next year. As for the older one and homework clubs, they can't really have our DC roaming around the school without supervision. There have been a few incidences in the past.

Sympathy and understanding in buckets from me having been in a similar situation recently

It’s better for your kids to be home based it seems

Is there a teen/adult you know who would ‘babysit’ even if not every night

Mil may benefit from a rest from fil from the sounds of it having said that she will still likely complain and it may form an invisible debt

Might be better to tag team with dh regardless as in my experience other people let you down

Hope your recovery is done with and you go from strength to strength

What if MIL asked OP to care for FIL 2 hours a days, five times a week for free. You think she would be entitled to ask for that, or is it just dc that get it for free?

Hardly a reasonable comparison as op works and has young children. And presumably MIL loves her gps whereas FIL sounds like a shit.

And lots of people do care for their parents/in-laws 7 days a week, and a helluva lot more than 2 hours a day, willingly and don't expect payment for it. Or maybe you think I should have charged my parents for looking after them in their final years or my MIL for looking after her now?

You do know op, that on Mumsnet it's considered a massive imposition to ask gps to provide childcare? And as for unpaid childcare?!! Well, that's outrageous! It's on a par with not charging your dcs rent as soon as they get a paper round

I agree it’s nice for GPs to look after their gc but 2 hours every single day in term time is not fair. From what the Op has said it doesn’t sound like PILs are overly enthusiastic Gp anyway.

I honestly think I’d move back to the uk with all this happening. You don’t really have a relationship with in-laws and I can’t in a million years imagine they’d step up and help you if they can’t meet you more than twice in 8 months. With all that you’ve been going through to not offer to have grandchildren to give you a little break or offer some financial help (I assume you had to pay for your treatment too if you have to pay for your children’s medication?). If they couldn’t/wouldn’t help when things were at their worst are they ever really going to agree to helping every day?

I agree it's too much to ask of your PiL long term and I wouldn't want them to do it by how you describe them esp FiL. You do need to find an alternative solution as this is better all round. I know it's hard to think of something instantly but there must be something. What would you do if PiL weren't in the picture at all?

You do know op, that on Mumsnet it's considered a massive imposition to ask gps to provide childcare?

You think being asked to to look after someone else’s kids for 2 hours, for 40 weeks, unpaid and to be expected to plan holidays etc around, it isn’t an imposition?

I agree it’s nice for GPs to look after their gc but 2 hours every single day in term time is not fair.

So you would sit by and watch your ds, dil and gdcs struggle rather than do what you can to help? I'd be really upset if any of my dcs felt they couldn't ask me for help in those - or any other - circumstances.

You think being asked to to look after someone else’s kids for 2 hours, for 40 weeks, unpaid and to be expected to plan holidays etc around, it isn’t an imposition?

Not for my own grandchildren I wouldn't no, when their parents are in a financial shit hole and can't afford to pay for childcare.

Why on earth did you move country to be near these people, who are at best uninterested and at worst downright neglectful and nasty?

Asking them to provide childcare is a terrible idea, I would only do it in a one off emergency when I had no other choice.

What about your parents/family?

Would your financial situation improve if you moved back to the UK (assuming that's your home country)?

@Medievalist Are you a GP on the younger side? I definitely see a difference in views from Baby Boomer GPs compared to younger Gen X GPs.

OP I see that’s bloody shit,I’m pleased your feeling better now.Please don’t feel responsible due to your prior illness.I wasn’t aware you are not in the UK.
I therefore can’t offer much advice.
I feel your pain though all the best.Please do give an update and work on your relationship with your mother in law.Im sure you could both get to like yourselves.

@adaline Op isn’t expecting anything, she is contemplating asking because that seems to be one of the last options she has right now.
The Gp are allowed to say no, that’s their choice.

Op isn’t being a CF for asking

The not seeing each other works both ways.

Have you tried a childminder? One that may take a 13 year old.

Can the DC travel by taxi and you pay for a babysitter at the house?

Put your youngest on the waiting list ASAP for the club.

@AnotherEmma I would love to move back to the UK, unfortunately I’m trapped here. Forever. Wish I was dead sometimes. If it wasn’t for the DC I would not carry on.

I think you are getting a hard time unnecessarily on here, OP. It's bloody hard trying to raise a family plus keeping a roof over your head.

It doesn't sound like they are the best people to ask for childcare anyway. But, if needs must, maybe there is a compromise eg asking them to help out 1-2 days a week instead of 5 days or asking them to help out for a few months until you can make alternative arrangements.

My Mum prefers to look after my children at mine as she says it means her home stays clean and tidy. I get why you want the childcare at your home, but you can't really call the shots when asking for a favour.

I think you should ask. I know some GPs do this and don't mind. Some wouldn't want to
You won't know until you ask. Be prepared for a no
If she says yes you could still look for alternatives

So you would sit by and watch your ds, dil and gdcs struggle rather than do what you can to help?

No I wouldn’t but I also wouldn’t commit to every day for two hours.

I think the fact that they are obviously so uncaring would be a reason not to ask.

Why is this all down to you to sort out though?

What's your husband doing to bring in more money?

Between the ages of 15 and 18 I looked after a 6 year old, a 3 year old and a baby for 2 hours after school whilst their mum gave piano lessons. I'd have jumped at the chance to be on hand for a 13 year old plus a younger school aged child.

Perhaps see if your Mil could cover 1 or 2 days after school care for you, and think about a teen for the other 3?

Why are you trapped? Have you sought legal advice?

Why can't you move back to UK?
Maybe this is what you should be posting about instead.

Why is everyone ignoring the fact that the grandparents are utterly vile? No way shouold you be leaving your children with racists who fail to supervise or actually care for them.

OP: I'm not sure what the answer is for you. Other than to come back to the UK wherte there is an appropriate social security system for people in situations like yours. Could your own parents help to get you back?